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Too Shy 10-08-2010 11:21 PM

I am a really, really bad person. I can't really explain why but I am, and I am an awful awful person.

And I'm so f**king self-absorbed because let's face it, what right do I have to be anything other than happy. So many people go through so much worse than this. I am so selfish and ungrateful and all I do is moan. I don't talk out loud about this, not unless someone asks directly, but I need to so much and I'm f**king pathetic.

asparaguscabbage 10-08-2010 11:46 PM

How can you say you're a bad person with no evidence? Would the police arrest someone without evidence? No. So how can you be a bad person without the evidence to prove it.

& although it may be true that some people go throught worse, most people don't face such a close experience with the trauma of cancer.

You know what you need to do. You need to talk to someone out loud. Don't wait for help, because you won't gt the support you need. You need to ask for it. Please talk to your mum, family, friends, a nurse... Anyone. Just someone.

Please?

Thinking of you x

Too Shy 11-08-2010 08:12 AM

Someone from the hospice is coming round today (on my mum's birthday too heh), so I might be able to talk to her today. I dunno how long she's coming round for, but otherwise I can see if I can talk to her on another day.

Thank-you, x.

makedamnsure 11-08-2010 08:57 AM

Gemma is right darling, you are not a bad person.

Regardless of other peoples problems, what you are going through now is scary and uncertain and difficult. You have every right to get upset.

Talk to the hospice lady if you can.

And happy birthday to your mum. I am sure you will all make sure its a good one.

asparaguscabbage 11-08-2010 11:45 AM

Happy birthday to your mum :)
That sounds like a good plan, don't be afraid of asking for support x

asparaguscabbage 12-08-2010 12:48 PM

How did it go with the nurse?

Too Shy 12-08-2010 05:41 PM

Well I didn't speak to her as such, but she did introduce herself so I know who she is now and she seems really nice, so that's a good start. :)

My mum finishes treatment today, so that's good. Now we wait for 3 months to see if the cancer has gone away, otherwise surgery hopefully. But hopefully it's gone already. :)

And I did my exam today, the one I missed in May. So the rest of my summer is now officially free, yay. :)

asparaguscabbage 12-08-2010 05:48 PM

All sounds good :) But don't go back to hiding behind positivity when you feel like crying, promise?

Have a wonderful summer :D

Too Shy 16-08-2010 09:47 PM

The hospice nurse is coming round again on Thursday.

Today she phoned my mum and my mum said it upset her afterwards. The nurse wants my mum to start taking morphine again because she is getting back pain again, but my mum doesn't really want to take morphine again. The nurse said it could be because the tumour has grown again and is pressing against stuff, which was why she was getting the pain originally before she was diagnosed.

It might just be inflammation or something though from the radiotherapy, right?

3 months wait to find out. I'm so scared it is growing back or something. It's just side effects from radiotherapy though, it has to be. They wouldn't have done the radiotherapy if they didn't think it would work, and a few weeks ago they said the outward signs look good.

Today I went training and I was scared of everything. I was scared of being near people and I cried for ages and my mind went blank and I just wanted to hide, I didn't want anyone near me. I want to back off from everything. And yet at the same time I want to just scream because I need help, because I can't do this by myself. I need someone to just hug me for a while.

Maybe I will try and talk to the hospice nurse. Maybe I won't. Maybe it's a waste of time. Maybe everything is ok anyway and the tumour has gone. Hopefully.

asparaguscabbage 16-08-2010 10:01 PM

Please talk to the hospice nurse, it won't be a waste of time. No matter what the outcome is in 3 months time, you are still struggling now. Receive the support you deserve.

My mind is sort of blanking out right now, but worrying won't change anything but your own perception.

Is there any way you can sit quietly with someone you trust now/tomorrow/in the near future, and cry and let out all the anxiety and vulnerable feelings?

Take care x

Too Shy 17-08-2010 01:19 AM

I might try and text my best friend tomorrow. I'm not very good at starting conversations though, I don't really know what to say. She's been my best friend for 13 years and in that time she's seen me cry once, but I don't really start conversations about difficult stuff. When my mum was diagnosed I just texted her straight afterwards and said 'Hi, how are you? My mum has cancer.' Which wasn't too bad. But I dunno what to say now really. 'Hi, I am struggling'? 'Hi, I am worried about my mum'? It all sounds kind of strange.

I just need a hug. I don't really hug anyone except my mum. I've only hugged my best friend about twice and that was when we were drunk, heh. I still hug my mum obviously. But I need someone else to just hug me and let me cry and stuff. So maybe I will talk to my best friend.

And maybe the hospice nurse. I don't know, I get a bit self-conscious and feel like I'm overreacting. I haven't properly talked to any of the nurses since the day my mum started chemotherapy.

asparaguscabbage 17-08-2010 11:20 AM

I guess she knows that you sometimes have difficulty expressing emotions? Texting her is a good idea though, don't worry if you think it sounds strange; she'll understand.

You definitely aren't overreacting, I wish you could see that... Take care x

Too Shy 17-08-2010 12:16 PM

She probably knows I find it difficult sometimes. It's usually ok because we do talk about stuff, I just don't say how worried I am. Like when I found out about my mum we went for a walk around our neighbourhood and she asked a few questions and then we stopped talking about that and we just talked about silly stuff instead and it was good.

But I will try and text her and tell her I am worrying a bit. Probably in a few days I will feel better again anyway, it's just the back pain I am worrying about in case it has grown back [however unlikely]. And the hospice people said it will be difficult for a while anyway because apparently it's normal once the treatment stops, which is why they're coming round more recently.

Too Shy 18-08-2010 12:48 AM

I know, I will get drunk. That will solve everything, right? No. Maybe not. Let's do it anyway. Let's get so drunk I don't have to think anymore. Let's stop being angry because I don't know what I'm angry at.

asparaguscabbage 18-08-2010 09:45 AM

Did you get a chance to text your friend?

Well, you know drinking won't solve anything; the problems and emotions will still be there once the alcohol's worn off.

I'm not thinking well right now, but please take care of yourself and remember I'm here for you x

makedamnsure 18-08-2010 10:34 AM

In the long term alcohol won't help. But I guess no-one can blame you for wanting a few hours escape.

Please do try and talk to your friend, and to the hospice people.
You don't have to go through all this on your own.

asparaguscabbage 20-08-2010 09:55 PM

Liv I saw your last 2 posts, but wasn't in the best state of mind to reply, sorry -hugs-

I'm glad you cried (not meant to sound as cruel as it does!) because I really think you needed that release of emotion... Sometimes a few tears can sort of, empty you of the frustration and give your brain a chance to mellow after.

How are you doing now?

Too Shy 20-08-2010 10:31 PM

I talked to my best friend for a while on Facebook. It's the first time I've really gone into detail about how sad I felt. She told me she's always here if I need a chat, she said she doesn't know what it's like but that she's known me for a long time (heh), and I'm going out with her and her son tomorrow for some cheering up, so that's good.

I still feel like I am completely overreacting. I know I keep saying that, but I can't stop feeling like it.

At the same time I still feel really sad today. Probably because I keep reading stuff. I know it doesn't help but for some reason I need it. I need to hurt, I need to justify it, I need to hear people talk about it. I need it to be real because sometimes I feel like I'm overreacting and it's not a big deal, and then I read the prognosis and the statistics and I think it is a big deal.

I hate the fact that we talk [well, my mum talks, we listen] about not knowing how many years she's got left like it's normal now. I keep saying it's fine, that she'll have 10, 20 years, but we don't know, and in all honesty it's very very unlikely. Possible but unlikely. I hate the fact that it's normal, I hate feeling this alone, I hate feeling this sad.

But crying helped. I feel like crying again but I don't know why.

asparaguscabbage 20-08-2010 10:41 PM

I'm not surprised you feel like crying to be honest.

I understand the need to justify your emotions, but it really won't do you any good. Statistics won't determine the future, no one can say exactly what will happen. Maybe the unknown is scary, but I guess that shows how we've got to make the most out of every moment.

That's probably your mum's way of dealing with this; make it normal, drill it into her own mind until she simply accepts it. Could you talk to her and say it upsets you? Or say you'd rather enjoy the present than talk too much about the future?

Have a good day tomorrow, friends and kids are great for cheeriness :)

Too Shy 20-08-2010 10:56 PM

I don't know, sometimes I wish I could say it but I'd feel really selfish. It's her way of coping with it because she's trying to be realistic, I guess. She talks to people about it like it's normal, but then sometimes I hear her on the phone and she's crying or I hear her with the hospice nurse and she cries sometimes. I just stick with saying it will all be fine, she'll have years and years left, that we don't need to make memories because it will be so long that we'll have forgotten them.

At the same time though I want to pretend it's all normal too. I'm going back to uni in a month, and I haven't told anyone at uni what's happening [our student advisor knows but none of my friends]. I feel so guilty about going back to uni, just in case anything does happen [however unlikely], but I know I have to and I know my mum wants me to do well, and I want to do well. It's so lonely up there because I need a hug, I need people to talk it through with sometimes. But at the same time I want to go back to uni and be a normal 21-year-old. I want to get stupidly drunk as often as possible just so I don't have to think about this, and I don't know why because I don't think it will help and it doesn't make it go away.


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