I want out. (update post 29).
 

I've been feeling down and suicidal for a while now and tonight I'm just stressed to the max, there's so much to do and I've binged a lot and I hate myself.

I don't know what I'll need from this thread long-term but right now I just need somewhere to write and be with people where I can be honest.

I'm really, really struggling tonight. I'm stressed with uni, food, my complete fail at finding volunteering. Spending too much money. Being a giant loser basically. I know I got into honours and that's great, it's the only reason I'm not killing myself right now but what sort of reason is that if I'm just, ugh.

For the first time I'm starting to assess my life longterm and realise. I'm not getting better.
Sure I'm doing things but really, I'm back where I was years ago.

I really dont know what to say beautiful. I'm in the same place too atm:(

I'm here to listen if you wana talk and remember you can always txt me (I snuck my phone into hosp:p)

thinking of you xxx

I'm sorry you're feeling so bad at the moment lovely. You don't deserve for things to be so difficult.

I think maybe you aren't giving yourself enough credit love. Things are really difficult at the moment, and it's important to acknowledge that, but you have also achieved so much. You've been for so long without self-harm and you've learned healthier ways of coping, you've managed university and work, you've graduated, which you should be so proud of, and you've got into honours, and that's great because it means you're taking steps to make your future better.

What is it that you feel needs to change at the moment? Maybe you can work out a way to take small steps towards making things better.

Can you reach out for some help just now? Please look after yourself, try to be nice to yourself. You can get through this. I'm here, always, if you need someone or want to talk about anything. xxxx

I'm sorry you're feeling so bad, Aimee. To me it sounds like you have achieved some really great things but you're pushing them aside because you're focusing on what you feel you're not doing right. Uni is very stressful, it's natural to feel that stress and i'm positive others will feel it too but will recognise that it's normal. You're not 'abnormal' for feeling this way.

I know it's hard but it would be good if you could re-frame the things you're thinking and realise just how much you have achieved and continue to achieve. There will probably always be things that you think are going wrong but you can set small goals and make plans to work through them. I'm here if you need me.

Thank you all. Really supportful and helpful advice, so thank you I appreciate you all taking the time to write to me.

I'm wondering if I should see my psychologist?? Things are getting out of whack, my spending is really starting to hurt me. But that could just be because I think I have bipolar II and I want someone to notice. Not the spending, there was no logic behind that, the appointment I mean. Not that any one would consider that any way - I'm the patient, what do I know? But I'm considering bringing it up. Is it worth it? Would mean I could try mood stabilisers again and maybe my behaviour would even out as a result.

Listing them may help, Dash. I know I've done a lot of good. Even just one thing - getting into Honours - is the biggest achievement in my life, and something others admire of me for doing. So I know I need to keep plugging along at it - no point throwing it away.

Starling - hi:) What needs to change? I need to stop binging and comparing myself and spending money and being fat. Like, lose a bit of weight. And get some work done.

I appreciate what I have achieved. How it's pretty impressive. I'm impressed with myself regards to the course I'm in. Maybe I just need something else to keep being impressed - like marks - and then I'll stop putting myself down as such. We don't have any marks back so I don't know how I am doing.

Thank you for listening xxxxx

Aimee,
You have done so much to be proud of. Honours! Wow! I'm glad you can appreciate it.

I think you should see your psychologist. To let her know how hard things are. She may have some advice or suggestions. I think its worth it, what do you think? How would you feel about going back on meds?

Thinking of you
Ash

Hi Aimee,

I think one of the things you think need to change is loosing weight is a dangerous path to go down. I know you struggle with food sometimes and the issue is how would you know when to stop? When would be enough? You are more than a number on a scale and you have so much to give to people, I think you need to be careful with that aspect of things.

I think it is worth seeing your psychologist. It can only help to see someone and talk about your feelings and if they do suggest mood stabiliers you might as well try whatever you can - you don't have to suffer and feel like this and if something can help make things easier it must be worth a go?

I hope you are proud of yourself for getting into honours. You say other people admire you for it but I hope you admire yourself for it, given the struggles you have had, and you have achieved something amazing, and you deserve to be proud of yourself.

xxx

Thanks Ash. I've kindof answered your other question here because I felt like I was de-railing from the ED board topic, but thank you kindly for replying to both my threads! :)

I don't really have a current diagnosis because I have been 'well' for a long period prior to this. I did have traits of borderline (that would be my past self-harm) and long-term depression. But I believe I may instead have bipolar type II which comprises the mood issues of borderline and my low depressed mood, and taking into account my shopping and flighty ideas. Perhaps even my binging. I've thought so for years but never wanted to be "that person" who diagnoses themselves before going into a session.

The problem with borderline - and I know it's nobody's favourite diagnosis - is I haven't self harmed for nearly four years now and I don't fear abandonment, and have a pretty steady sense of self, but not many psychiatrists have listened when I have discussed it.

I'm actually currently on antidepressants. I've been on mood stabilisers before and they reduced my binging (!!) but. I don't remember what happened. I feel like maybe it would be worth trying them again though I am hesitant to risk side-effects. My current anti-depressants are good for my clarity, they make things I read clearer.

Thank you xxhappydaysxx I really appreciate your advice, particularly the first paragraph which is certainly important things to think about.

It's understandable that you are questioning the BPD diagnosis (if it still stands) it doesn't sound like it fits at all. Maybe instead of going into the session (if you choose to do so) saying 'i think I have bipolar II' let her know that you feel you don't fit into the BPD category and talk about the symptoms you are having. That way you aren't being the patient that diagnoses themselves.

I'm glad the anti-depressants are helping, especially with clarity which is really important when you are studying. It might be also worth talking to your Dr about the possibility of mood stabilisers. Since you seem to be having trouble with that.

I must have missed the part about the eating. You don't need to lose weight, you need to maintain a healthy weight (hypocrite much?). But I know how hard and impossible that sounds. I agree with what xxhappydaysxx said too. When will it end? At what point will it be enough?

Thinking of you
Ash

Thanks Ash. It means a lot to me that my ideas are being listened to instead of dismissed. I've always been too scared to bring this up. So thank you :)

I think I shall try and book an appointment soon. At the very least she can help me work through my binging and shopping which are both upsetting me a great deal.

Thanks again x

Thanks Dash, Ash.

I feel worse today. I woke up feeling so sad, my mood lifted while I was at work but then more bad things happened and I feel out of place and I don't understand how I am going to get out of bed, let alone how I'm going to get all my uni work done! I can't go on like this!

Hey Aimee,
Sorry you feel worse today. Sending warmth and comfort your way.
Did you want to talk about the bad things that happened or just leave it alone?

Maybe you can't go on like this. Maybe you need more support. Have you thought any more about seeing your psychologist? It might be a good idea since you are feeling so bad.

Thinking of you
Ash

Hi Ash.

Thank you. I'm just struggling with being so sensitive today, so if I explain it it's just all petty. I've been thinking about seeing my psychologist but I may instead consider seeing a counsellor at uni. I don't know why but going back to my psychologist seems scary and like things are way out of control, and I don't want to quite believe that yet.

I know today's been hard for you, so thanks for replying it means a lot x

Sending many loves Amy. I think it's a good idea to speak to someone, if counsellor is less scary for now then try that to start?

As for the work you need to do break it down into a list. Much easier to tackle little chunks.

Xxxx

Thank you, Sam & Dash. Appreciate it a lot.

What I need right now? I need a break.

And maybe I need to be heard and I need to not have to do a presentation on Wednesday. But, since I do have to, I need to do readings for that and learn and I need to be better than how I currently am.

But mostly I just need some time out.

I'll make a list, that's a good idea. I just read some information about being overwhelmed with uni work that was on my uni's counselling page and that was helpful. Then I start thinking about the presentation and I get overwhelmed all over again.

I'm sorry, this is silly and it surprises (and humbles) me that you are both spending time supporting me through this. I hardly deserve it. I appreciate it, though. x

Aimee,

It doesn't matter if it's petty or not, if it's affecting you then it's important.
Sensitive days are hard, sorry you are having one.

I think acknowledging things are getting out of control is a good thing. Seeing your psychologist still sounds like a good idea, but if seeing the counsellor at uni is easier or better for you then great!

I can understand needing to be heard, that's why I'm keen for you to see a professional in real life. I think it's important.

It must be pretty nerve-wracking having to do the presentation on Wednesday. All you can do is do the reading and prepare for it best you can, then try not to worry about it. So much easier said than done I know. The list is a good idea, break it down.

You do deserve the support Aimee, you do.
Thinking of you
Ash

You most definitely do deserve the help.

How important is the presentation? What do you have to do for it that you haven't yet done? Is there anyone else doing it too? You may find they have similar stresses with regards to it.

Can you plan something nice for afterwards to reward yourself for gettig through it? Preferably not food or shoppig related since your having issues with those. Could be a lovely walk in a park or many cuddles with your puppy or a catch up with a friend or doing some nice crafty things?

Awkwardly, after reading your reply, I'm skipping uni today. I can't face that girl who knocked me down to size and I can't face getting our of bed.

As a compromise, I'm seeing my doctor today. I made it a double so I could tell her how bad things are even though I know theres not much she can do. Sometimes it helps just to talk to her.

Sorry, I'll reply to the rest of your helpful points when I wake up a bit more.

Aimee what I'm so proud of is that even though you're having a bad day today you still made that appointment and reached out. That took a lot of strength and hopefully that appointment will be a place where you can be heard. I still would suggest seeing your psychologist though. Your psychologist will be best placed to help you with your diagnostic concerns. Having some clarity there will help I'm sure.

Like every other poster here has said you have not gone backwards. You've achieved many things and continue to achieve every day. Part of that involves recognising when you need help and allowing yourself to access it. *gentle hugs*
If you want to talk about how you have been feeling today we are here to listen.

Thank you so much. I saw my doctor. She pointed out what I had already realised - that this happens every time this year. Every beginning of Autumn, every April, I'm in her office telling her things are shit.

Anyway, she convinced me to see my psychologist and to my luck there was an appointment Wednesday evening. And my psychiatrist too, but that appointment isn't until the end of May.