Thanks For The Hugs Claire . I wish I knew what to say to make you feel better too :S *Huggles*

*hugs everyone* then sits in the corner

*Hugs Louise*

*Spots and Glomps April*

*hugs Mark*

I have no words today. This is lovely. I have counseling today and once again i'll go in and tell my counselor I can't find the words to say what I need too. ****.
And you know how busy I am? I still found time to go buy a tool and hide it in my room.... Somedays I hate myself.

*Hugs Felicia* OOps I missed your above post :S sorry Felicia , don't hate yourself though , you don't deserve it

I hope the councilling goes ok. could you write what you have to. say down on paper then give it to your councillor

Feels low today :(

I'm sorry you feel low, Louise. *hugs*

I need to get up and get ready, but I don't want to. I don't want to face today. sigh. I suppose I have to though.

Just a thought and sorry in advance if they have been in and I've not noticed but, Has Kat (Katnovia) been in recently ? Has anyone seen her about this thread or the site in general?

*hugs everyone* sorry i cant catch up right now.

but mark - she hasnt posted for almost a month now... hope she's safe

*hides in the corners where nobody has to see her*

I hope she is ok.

*hugs laura* sits in the corner with you. anything you want to talk about?

*Hugs Laura*

*Hugs Louise*

*hugs ward*

I spy a Mark and Louise awake and active in the ward! *HUGGLES!!!*

*toddles all around, over and under ward to give all other wardies appropriate tlc they can accept*

blah....
mmm I'm hungry....
It's time to put ludwig away and get reggie out in 35minutes....

*sits pondering what to munch*

*Hugs Helen* how are you going with/out your hearing aid? Did you get a new one perhaps?

*Hugs Hayley* Hmmmm Houmous maybe? :P

oooh if only I had some hummous then that'd be a good idea, but I deliberately didn't buy any this week cos of, well ED issues :( stupid woman that i am. I will ask for help when Eoghan deploys, I'm 29, I need to get a grip, but I can't ask for help yet, brave face on and all that! I feel torn, i don't want him to go, but I want help...I guess if he wasn't going I'd get the help cos then I wouldn't be doing the brave face to protect him. Blah...

*goes to stare at food in cupbaords and contemplate*

I . Know . The . Feeling .

Please get the help when Eoghan is deployed , I understand why you are keeping your brave face on until then *Hugs Ya*

hugs hayley

*hugs everyone*

Mark, they've changed all appointment stuff again, so can't even go to my local hospital about it. Anyway, Mum's sorted an appointment out for me next Thursday. Been booked in as a service apparently. Well, that'll show them it's bloody broke!! Am praying so hard that I can have a new one on the day :'( Or even just a loan one (as it's the 'aid' that's broken, not my mould). Crying with frustration but least it's not a college day...

Talking of college :p We got told today in one of our classes that we have to do stuff infront of the class in two weeks time. However, as I'm not here, they've moved our group a week forward. So then my group get to sit & watch for all of that lesson just because of me :P Was quite pleased in a sad way about that :D

Oh & my bus pass, well the photo ID bit, still hasn't turned up. So I finally phoned today & they're sending out a new one. So that better be here by Thursday. Sick of paying out £3.50 on daysavers every day!!

*Hugs Helen* At least they are in the process of 1)Fixing your hearing aid and 2)Getting your Bus pass :) Good luck standing up in front of the class , things like that petrify me .......

Hmm I'm getting triggered :S I was picking at a wound just now but I just want to injure *Sigh* will it never be over ? Sorry.

Has there been a specific thing that has triggered you?

No Claire , I tend to get more triggered in the evening anyway , but I think just there being no other occaision between me and my 30th , I'm not ready to be 30 , I cannot cope , I should be a better human being by now , by 30 I SHould be married and HAPPY and I'm neither .

cuddles all. then curls up in the corner.

*Hugs Jill* whats up Jill?

Mark, really, you are human and a good one at that. There is no rule anywhere that says by thirty you need to have done x, y or z. I know it's not really the same, but I haven't done or had a lot of the things that 'normal' twenty-two year has.

What's up Jill?

Thanks Claire :)

just life sucks, when it rains it pours. i cant handle much

I'm around for a little while if you need to talk Jill :)

*hugs mark, helen and jill*

Jill and Mark I am here if you need to talk

cheers mark, and louise, its all good, im okay.well im not really but kind of have to be. hugs you both

Thankyou Louise , I'm just FED UP , I cannot be a 30 year old injurer , it's not usual , and yet I have cut this evening . My 30th birthday has been the Date I set to stop injurering but It's dawned on me that that is SO unrealistic , but I will have been harming for 16 years soon , It's just.......Too Much :(

I've just been to a 'meeting' with my support worker and two people from the voluntary crisis team. They want me to stop calling when I feel suicidal or am going to self harm or overdose, i.e when I am in a crisis. I thought that's what they were there for! Seemingly it's just for people who want to chat about their day etc. I've to go to the gym twice a week and call them to let them know how I get on. As much as I want to move forward I feel like they're taking my coping mechanisms away from me. Nothing gets me 'out of it' like overdosing. And, I guess I am attention seeking like my medical notes say, I want the attention and care that comes with going to hospital even if it is negative attention.

*Hugs Lindsay* Thats ridicullous ! Of course you should have the crisis team to call when you are in a crisis , Geez . Is there anyone other than them that you call in a crisis ? The Samaritans might be there for you , I've never called them but I've e-mailed them and they seem to be genuinally caring people.

Mark, there's people out there who are older than you and injure. Hell, one of my best friend is 37 and until recently she was still self harming. You can reach 30 and not be cutting...

My mum is being mean to me again, telling me I'll never amount to anything. I want it to stop now :(

*hugs mark and agrees with what both claire and helen have said*

*hugs helen* im sorry about your hearing aid, that sounds incredibly frustrating. Also, hope that the bus pass shows up soon, thats ridiculous having to pay so much everyday you have college.

*hugs louise* how r u doing?

*hugs lindsay* wow im sorry that the crisis team is treating you like that. I wish I had some advice... maybe try what mark said and call the Samaritans and see if you can get support from them? Here if you need to vent.

*hugs sarah* don't listen to your mom. You can and will amount to something. I'm sorry she is saying those things to you

*hugs hayley, april, jill, oliver, and everyone else*

Its storming.. which normally i love... but its hailing and i have to walk to class in about 25 minutes and its a 1/2 mile away.. ouch :-( i hope it at least stops hailing by then.

^ I'm 40. I didn't start hurting myself until I was around 28.

why does life kick someone when there allready down. fu8ksake, sorry =[

Is there anything you want to talk about?

*huggles everyone* i hope your all ok, sorry i havent been doing much, really struggling a lot at the moment and finding college hard :(

So tense, the yelling has stopped but I know its coming back :(

*cuddles all*

Sorry I've not been posting much (again). I really need to get my head around things... only problem being, I don't know really what I mean by that. Just "life in general" I suppose. GRRRR. >_<

Am trying to be creative, more positive, and more inspirational. Thing is, I don't know if I can do it. I know I'm not making much sense, but... the creative project has has HAS to remain anonymous for now. For awhile. Probably, forever. Ugh. So... I can't really tell you what it is. Ahaha. >_<

In other news, today has been an okay day. Mailed out my job training forms and am utterly petrified about going. :( Spent some time with my dad at uni - everyone looks SO young, haha... and yes, I did think that even when I was a student there. :P It's just weird thinking that the freshmen this year were born well after I was. Heh. Anyway. I also got "pulled" in by the library and ended up checking out four books that I'll probably not read. Oops. They look really good though and I am going to TRY to read them... it's just... well, I tend to get carried away by wanting to read etc., even when I know that I don't have the concentration for it. GRRRR. I also had coffee and a healthy, nommy lunch. :)

*extra cuddles for all*

*hugs april* hope that your creative project, whatever it is, goes as you plan. Your day sounds like it was pretty good. Oh and, I always think the freshman at my uni look ridiculously young heh.

*hugs sarah* im sorry about all the yelling and that you are feeling the tension. I know that has to be horrible.

*hugs nicole* good to see you around though! I'm sorry your struggling, always here if you want to talk.

*hugs jill* what happened? Hope you are staying safe

*hugs claire and mark*

I dont know what to say about myself so i'll leave it at that. *hides*

hugs everbody. im okayish just have shed loads going on right now, just seams to be one thing after another right now. =[

Hey all. Wondering if anyone has any comments on the poem I just wrote for English. I'm kinda edgy about the class reading it, but it's annonymous, so that makes it a little better. Actually, it makes it much better. Anyway, the topic was 'home'...I hope it's ok.


Home To Me


In the depths
Of the dark in my mind
There's a world there
A world of my kind.


Where hope lingers
And pain is gone
There is no one to tell me
What I am is wrong.


Life is precious
But time is so short
I am soon pulled back
To a world of this sort.


I'm not missed
I soon return
To a world I love
This is what I learn:


Strength is unbreakable
I can survive
I learn what it feels like
To exist whilst alive.


I fall away now
As I sit and see
The world that is
A Home to me.

I like it very much Lia.
*goes back to hiding in my invisibility shroud*

Thanks Crimson. How are you tonight? If you feel like talking, you never can tell with invisible people.

:) I' m ok... trying to get caught up at work, prepping for a possible phone interview, trying not to get too excited about being totally debt free in 2 weeks, drooling over the outfit I might be able to get soon (mind you I never spend any where near the amount on clothes normally... this skirt, this shirt, this coat, these boots, and these earrings :D)... REALLY hoping I get this job.
And last but not least trying not to kill my in-laws for screwing up my clean apartment in less than a week after I scrubbed it (literally right down to the walls, scrubbed it) spotless which took me 2.5 days.

*hugs everyone and runs off for more work :(*