April , I had a text from Hayley about a week ago , she has her driving license back that Dr says :) I THINK that she has had a friends funeral very recently so that may still be at the forefront of her mind , I will text her to say she is missed on the ward if you think thats a good idea??

Hmm, thanks for letting April know Mark. Although I did ask a couple of days ago. But yes, I think that text would be a good idea.

*hides*

Oops Helen I must have missed that post! :S It wasn't on purpose , sorry . I'll send a text now :)

It's okay, I know we move really fast sometimes in here. Hope she gets in touch xxx

Hayley Has been unwell recently and is moving home and is off on her hols soon
She sends *Huggles and waves 4 all*

Awwww, sending her huggles too, hope she gets better soon & the move goes okay x

Aw thanks Mark. :) I'm glad to know that she's okayish at least, hopefully will be back on the ward but taking her time to get her "feet back under her," so to speak, if need be. :) *huggles*

Hels, how are you doing now?? *cuddles gently* I'm glad that they are a bit worried about you, but I know it must feel awful. At least they care enough to worry though, ey? (Sorry if that sounded stupid...)

I have an awful headache and I think it's med-related as I've had to cut down my Tegretol from 800mg/day to 200mg/day in about 2 days, since I'm running out of it and it hasn't arrived in the post yet. I know, I know, I should've ordered it sooner but I couldn't. :( I feel so stupid. It's a mood stabilizer so no wonder if I start going a little more crazy. :'( Feel really awful though, and Jarrod doesn't appreciate it and wants to go for a hike after church. I feel... just... like I'm not cared about enough?? Maybe I'm too needy, maybe that's it............ :crying:

*hides again and cries some more, since I've been a veritable fountain of tears lately* :'(

I'm feeling calmer than I was? *hugs you and then curls up*

And I'm glad to hear that. :) *cuddles*

Massive headache... ugh... :'( I wanted to play cello but... no time. Not right now anyway. GRRRR. And I really don't want to go on a hike later... not unless my headache gets better. :( But I don't know how to tell Jarrod that without it sounding like yet another excuse.

:crying:

*sits*

*sits facing the corner banging her head* I wish I hadn't. stupid. Idiot.

*cuddles everyone*

I hate this waiting, still feel like just telling everything, but would still have to wait..

*cuddles helen* waiting is horrendous. are you refering to the text incident a few pages back?

*hugs Kat* Whats happened?

*Hugs Nicole* You okay?

*Hugs Helen*

I'm referring to texting my dad's partner by accident during the night. She just text me again...my Dad wants to phone. I'm not sure I can handle it.

*cuddles Kat & Mark back*

Oh look, I'm of some use now my mum wants me to do something. I'm not pathetic, stupid or worthless. I'm not a cow or a bitch at this moment. Of course not. The only time they don't say those things is when they want something off me.

Oh wait, I spoke too soon. The Mother is on another rant. About how crap 'those kids' are. About how we can't do anything right. It wouldn't be so bad if we all stuck together, but 9 times out of 10, they turn on me too.

Damn them all.

*cuddles Lia* I'm sorry honey

*glomps April* I spies you

*Huggles Lia*

I spots an April too *Hugs*

*huggles for all*

*sits in corner with her box of wine*

OK, rant over. They just annoy me sometimes, 'They' being my family. It's not always outright insults, it's little things. Small critisisms like 'you're not wearing that are you?' or 'that top's really creased, you should have ironed it'. Just things that make me feel bad about myself for the rest of the day and as it's all the time I've come to the conclusion that I look **** everyday and am just a rubbish person. But then again I might be over reacting. I don't know.

*Hugs to all who want them.* Useless right now, don't have the actual energy for individuals. I will do so later.

*hugs all*

Lia, you're not a rubbish person at all sweetheart.

Lia , that doesn't sound like you over-reacted to me at all , it's totally understandable that you feel that way , I would too.*Hugs*

*Hugs Beki* Be careful with a whole box of wine . Don't mean that to sound patronising :S . Whats up?

Why am I so dirty?

*hides in the corner & cries...*

*sits with April*

Oh Lia I'm sorry you feel that way but I really don't think you are *Hugs*

*hugs April* * Hands tissues *

*Hugs JK* How are you this ?Morning?

No, but I am. I really am. I've been told I am. I feel like I am.

*Sits with April.* What's the matter?

xx

Oh Luke , what happened ? Are you okay? *Hugs*

Oh Luke thats terrible . Could you complain to the Police complaints commission (sp?) . You won't go to prison for that though.
I'm sorry your depression is kicking in too :( *Hugs*

*cuddles Lia* You're not dirty, hon. No matter how you feel or what people say. At least, to me, you're not. And you're not to most of the wardies either, I'll bet. I think that you're a sweet, kind, & lovely person, and that I've been blessed to get to know you. :) That's my honest opinion of you.

*huggles Luke* So sorry to hear that!! Sounds abso****inglutely ridiculous to me... like the police were being very very unreasonable. :( Is there any way that you can try to explain, or something? (Sorry, am very unknowledgeable about how the police work at all, in the States or the UK... so I apologize if that was a dense question...) I hope that you manage to keep your head above the water... wish I could help more. :( But I'm here if you need to talk to someone!! may not understand all of the ins & outs of the judiciary system but I can lend an ear (or an eye, as the case may be, hah).

*cuddles Mark* How're you, big bro?? Haven't had an update from you in a bit... sorry, am just worried about you since you said you've had suicidal thoughts etc. :(

*cuddles Hels* How're you doing now, sweetie??

Me, eh, I'm surviving I guess. :-X I don't really know what's wrong, but this is part of what I posted in my LJ:
"It feels kinda like I have been dragged through a wringer a few times... and then tossed on a shelf somewhere dusty and sad. I don't know. Does that even make sense? I am kinda okay, but kinda not, and am not quite sure how to determine what that "kinda not" really is all about. :-/ ..."

I don't even know what's wrong. Not really. And it's driving me crazy. :(

*hides in the warren again* :crying:

Hey April , Today has been mainly okay , although I did read a post , get treiggered and cut :( maybe I cut before I read the post , sorry I'm a bit fuzzy as to the order of things. I was suicidal all week but at least not today thankfully , I can feel the depression coming back on for tommorow already , I'll fall asleep a bit low and wake up totally crap again , no huge scary Dr's appoinments though , I'm really waiting on my Lithium levels to find out if I can increase it , I'm making loads of typos so I have been correcting as I go , I hope this make sense , I'm not sure how safe I feel .......*Hugs April* thankyou for asking . I HOPE that the okay feeling comes tomorow but I my gut feeling tell me "no you'll feel awful" :(

*cuddles everyone*

Luke, I'm so sorry that's happened.
April, cuddles tight
Lia, you're not dirty, especially if it's not the reason I'm thinking of.

Well...my Dad phoned and asked me loads of stuff, but wasn't making me discuss particular things. I ended up emailing him (well it's his partners email), told him in basic detail what has happened. He's really upset and angry but least I know J will be with him and will look after him like I asked. Both told me I'm really brave and want to see me tomorrow. Dad really wants to give me a hug, bless him =[ Want one too, it's like when he first left and I used to cry every night wanting him and his hugs :'( He's upset and angry aswell, but not with me....

You're welcome, both Mark & Luke. :) *cuddles*

Mark, please try & contact someone if you feel dangerously suicidal... I mean, like if you're planning on actually doing something. (To me, ALL suicidal feelings are dangerous, whether they are passive or not. Hope that makes sense!!) Oh and yes you did make sense... I hope that it wasn't one of my posts that triggered you and also hope that it wasn't too bad of a cut, please try & keep it clean/sanitary... I know you know that but wanted to remind in case you forgot. :) *gentle hugs* I'm here if you need to talk, just shoot me an email or message on FB or something.

Luke, I'm so sorry, that sounds like utter ****. :( Don't have much advice to give, as was evidenced by my last post, but hopefully you can get some legal advice etc. Maybe you will be able to get through by pleading not guilty... as I said before, really don't know about judiciary systems. :( Sorry.

*hides* :(

Hels, hon, I'm so glad that it turned out as well as it did!! :) I bet you're upset and all right now, I would be too having to dredge all that up from your past etc., but well done!! I told you that you could do it. :D So very proud of you. <3 And I'm glad that your dad's not upset at you... don't see how he could be really but keep on hanging in there, and hopefully you'll get to see him soon & get a nice big bear hug. *gentle cuddles*

*spots Lia & glomps*

Oh and this is a very relaxing song... it's a medieval chant (and is in Latin!!) and is somewhat religious but I'm sure that even those who aren't Christian here could probably appreciate the quality & skill of the Anonymous 4 singers. :) If you do object, please let me know & I'll remove it...

[ame]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WSHUwpTezK0&feature=PlayList&p=BB31D138263 CCFF9&playnext=1&index=16[/ame]

EDIT: also wanted to say that I listen to Anonymous 4 when I'm very anxious, they're good for helping me calm down. :) Just shut your eyes and try to relax to the song for a bit. Deep breaths, all of that.

April , it was not one of your posts that got me triggered , it was in vets support butI forgot the name of it hmmm . Also thankyou I might e-mail you tomorow if I remember I said that , My whole head feels like fuzzed like I've OD'd but I haven't , ......great thats given me the idea , sorry I have to go to bed now .

Asleep is the safest plave you can be.

Go to bed before I S.I. again , sorry

Hey all.

No Helen, that's not the reason. I can't explain. I just am.

I'm glad you're a little better today Mark and I really hope the depression doesn't come back for tomorrow. We're here to support you if it does though. :)

April- your song really is relaxing, it's lovely, but keeps being spoiled by the 'do du' of msn everytime I get a message. Do you have anymore like it? Thanks for sharing. And thank you for the things you said. I like to think I help people here, but I don't really seem to make much difference. I hope you're feeling a bit better now and the epic music helped to calm you. Did you ever go for that hike?

Helen- I'm glad things seem to be going well with your dad and his parnter and at least they know now so the telling them is over :) Really well done on getting through this, I completly freaked when it was me and cut and had a panic attack and refused to speak to my friend for weeks.

xxx

Thank you April. I am upset and all, been crying for hours on/off. Still haven't stopped yet. I didn't tell them much really, just basic stuff..but gets the message across? Thank you for being proud. It's not fully sunk in yet that I've told. My bestie said it's probably shock. Yeah, seeing him & J tomorrow evening. *cuddles back*


Respect that you can't tell me, but you're really not honey.

Thanks Lia. I just keep crying and getting angry aswell :S So yeah...handling it safely. J at one point said they needed to know I was ok (think they've needed to know that all day to be honest) and I was honest and said to say I am, would be a lie, but I would be safe til I saw them tomorrow night...

*hugs all*

Luke I'm really sorry that happened to you.

Mark I hope sleep helps, sorry you cut and as others have said keep it clean

Hels I'm really glad you dad isn't upset with you and yes like April said really brave to tell him so much, proud of you.

April-did you manage to get out for a hike today? also nice song, and I have no objection to music which has religious content, some sacred music is amazing, the requiems by Mozart and Britten, also do you know Allegri's Miserere, so beautiful.

I feel dead inside, been staring at the screen for the last few minutes, just nothing, don't know how I am meant to feel, but its not good, feel hurt in a way I guess, but don't know what to think.

Thanks Oliver, means a lot. Don't intend on telling anyone else in my family now. My mum knows (told her last April), my eldest sister, possibly two others of my sisters and that's pretty much it :S Nobody else needs to know....

*curls up*

*cuddles Oliver & Hels* Oliver, what do you mean, how you "should" feel?? There is no "should" to feelings, except in some situations... and even then they can be flighty - they're feelings after all. Sorry if that seems rather blunt or offensive, just how I see it... I guess I just don't want you to feel like you "must" feel a certain way when whatever happens. If that makes sense? Anyway... what has happened? anything in particular that's making you not know how to feel, can you pinpoint it??

Hels, once again, must say, very proud of you. :) Well done. <3 Are you feeling any better now?? and I'm glad that you were honest with your dad & J. :)

To answer the question that several have asked me (okay, maybe two people, lol - but they still count!! :P) - nope, Jarrod & I did not get out for a walk today because it rained. Poop. I hate rain. But it did cool the air down some. Will be getting ready for bed shortly, which will be good... and then tomorrow comes & I've got to not ****ing sleep the day away... because I've got to clean, because God forbid, I've got company coming the next day and my parents will be horrified if they find out that I didn't clean up much. >_<

Sorry, end of rant. :(

I still don't really know how I'm feeling... funny. Tired, I guess. Probably, like Mark, the safest and best place for me right now is bed. Will be taking showers in a bit, as soon as I hang up my clothes to dry from doing laundry. Ugh. Hate doing that as I feel like I must be so finnicky in hanging them up precisely straight & all. Touch of OCD, heh. Stupid me.

*hides in a hole and cries some more*

*hugs April* No that didn't sound blunt or offensive, your right, there is no should do how anyone should feel. I do know exactly whay it is, I shouldn't say, I want to in a way, but it involved me doing something I really shouldn't have done, **** I don't know

sorry you didn't get out for your hike, and cleaning sucks, my mum keeps looking at my room in such a disgusted way

*hides*

Aw, Oliver, don't say if you don't feel comfortable saying, but my PM box/FB inbox are always open. As are many other people's on here, I'm sure, who will support you. *hugs*

Oh and Lia, wanted to tell you to just search "Anonymous 4 chants" or something similar in YouTube, should pull up some good songs. Anonymous 4 is - believe it or not - the name of the group. :) It's 4 women who usually sing acapella... I was introduced to their music in my Women & Spirituality class last spring and fell in LOVE with it!! :D It is so calming... :)

*glomps Jess, Hels, Lia, and Kahlia, since I spy them!!*

Thank you darling. I do feel a little better, think I've finally stopped crying...

Hey. Glad you're feeling better Helen. :)

*Hugs April and Oliver* Sorry, way too tired for anything else right now.

Does anyone ever just want to cry, but physically can't?

x

Lia, all the time *hugs* I'm sorry you feel that way.

I miss my dad so much right now, I want to revert back to my childhood years and write a letter to him on a balloon, release it and hope it makes it to him in heaven. I know it won't though. I don't see why I would do that... I just want to talk to him so badly.

*hugs Lia* yeah I know the feeling, wanting to cry but can't, its really horrible.

*hugs April* thanks, I feel ashamed of what I did, I shouldn't have done, but what I found out by doing it has made me feel hurt, but I'm not sure what is going on and I can't say anything to the person becaise then they will know what I have done. grrrr sorry I'm rambling ****, **** I just don't know what to do.

*hugs Hels* glad your feeling a little better

*hugs Felicia* I'm really sorry your missing your dad

Hello all. I'm sorry I haven't been around too much lately. Really I've just been dropping in to give quick hugs and a very self-centered update and that's about it. I've been a very bad ward-mate and I'm really sorry.

But there's something I wanted to let you all know about. I'm going to chuck it behind a HIDE because I know that suicide is a very touchy subject - don't worry I'm not talking about mine, I'm talking about a reactin to it - and I don't want to risk anyone, even though this is definitely in a positive sense.

Having said that the mere mention at the start won't be so positive, and I would rather protect you all, then risk someone getting triggered, because you guys mean so much to me. And no I am not just saying that. I may not be able to show it at times, but it's true.

Anyway, here goes. . .The reason that I bring this up? Yesterday was the "dreaded" August 1st and although I feel hurt and some pain, I felt no desire to do anything dangerous. It's the first time since these "incidents" happened. I feel a little uneasy about - but I guess that would be normal considering I have had these feelings and urges/sensations for so long. But still ... a major improvement.

Maybe things can get better with time?

*hugs Kahlia* I'm sorry to hear your story, but I'm glad to hear things are getting a little easier and I'm glad youu felt no desire to do anything dangerous.

I've updated my rv thread, which explains why I feel hurt and angry. sorry I swear a lot in it, just to warn people, shouldn't be any triggers.

Morning wardies. Why I'm up before noon I'll never know. Sleep just seems like such a waste of time.

How's everyone this morning?

x