I'm glad you were honest about how you're feeling MH wise. Your health is important, please keep being honest.

I struggle with lying and there aren't many ways to spin "caused this third degree burn myself" tbh. I know I need help, it's just that I don't know what help I can realistically get...I wish MH care was more straightforward or at least more accessible.

Yeah, I hope they can offer you something useful. How are you getting on?

Not great tbh. Everything feels pointless. I don't know what I'm even meant to say if they ask me what's wrong. I don't see any solutions.

How did you get on? How are you today?

I'm okay. MH were shit. Asked me why I didn't phone crisis and when I said everything feels pointless they were like "yeah, okay, you'll be safe? yeah, okay, bye".

Can't say I feel inclined to phone crisis tbh.

I have an appointment at the Burns Unit tomorrow & I'm trying not to stress too much.

I'm sorry MH were so awful. You need and deserve support offered to you and sorted out for you. Is there anything you would have liked MH to do for you?

I don't know... everything feels pointless so not really. I guess if they wanted me to phone crisis, they could have listened to why I struggle to call them.

I'm going to my appointment now, and after that I've got work, and after that I'm seeing P, but it all feels like too much and I just want to go somewhere and get drunk so I won't feel like this.

What makes it hard for you to phone crisis? We will listen, I know that might not be as helpful though. I know the feeling of everything being too much. I hope you can get through your day ok. Will you talk to P about what happened or not?

It's because frequently when I've reached out for professional help, including for physical issues, I got shut down or discriminated against. I also struggle with making or answering phone calls, especially if I'm not sure how they're gonna go. And everything feels so pointless too.

It really helps to talk on here. I know people care & understand. I really appreciate your support <3

I told P about the burn & the hospital stuff (it was hard not to because I have a massive dressing on my arm). They took it okay but asked me what happened and I couldn't really say anything. It's just the crushing weight of pointlessness and pain and so so so much loss. I can't talk to them about this stuff.

That pointless feeling is a huge crushing one, I know that it can start to define everything. I'm sorry you're having such a horrible time. That's not fair the way you have been treated, did you ever put in a complaint? You should be able to access support without discrimination.

*hugs*

I've never put in a formal complaint even though I've experienced institutional racism so many times. I haven't done it because I was either too ill or I thought people wouldn't believe me. There were times when I could have just said "this person hasn't followed procedure" but I found it too difficult.

I've mentioned to some professionals that I've been denied help I was entitled to even when I've requested it, and they've always been so confused - "why would they do that?"/"they're not meant to do that!" I don't think a lot of people understand the extent to which medical bias can impact access to healthcare & support.

That's really awful, I'm sorry you've experienced so much discrimination. Is there anyone who stands up for you?

How are you today?

I've got friends who stand up for me & I work for a charity that deals with this kind of stuff. Discrimination has made me so reluctant to reach out though...

I'm...not great. Been trying to ignore urges and stuff. I feel hopeless. I feel like I am becoming less and less. I need to be constantly doing stuff but I'm starting to feel like I just want to be alone.

I think if you avoided people you might feel like you are even less than you feel now. I know it's hard to be around people at times though. Are you managing to find things to occupy yourself with? It would be good if you could find a way to relax when you don't have much to do so that things weren't so difficult during the quieter times. Well done with trying to ignore the urges etc, you are so brave and strong, please keep fighting.

I don't know. At least it won't feel like I want things I can't have.

I can't get over the P stuff. I feel broken. I was right, I'm nothing, and never meant anything. P never looked forward to seeing me. No one looks forward to seeing me. I'm a chore.

I can't relax. I haven't been able to relax in a long time. I feel anxious and unsafe and on edge all the time. Can't focus long enough on things that don't occupy all my attention.

*hugs*

This all sounds like such a battle, does nothing give you even a tiny bit of peace? Have you spoken to P about this or is this just the way you're perceiving how they feel about you? I don't think you could generalise things to no one looking forward to seeing you because I'm sure that's not true.

Not really. Spending time with P used to give me peace but I've destroyed that too.

I haven't spoken to P about this recently. We spoke about it in November/December & they tried to reassure me. I'd told them it's clear I'm an afterthought & they don't really want to see me because they plan things with others first and then they remember I also exist, even though I'd specifically asked for things to be planned in advance. They said it wasn't intentional & they wanted to make it better. It's only gotten worse.

Say, a year ago, P and I would spend a couple days together, and when I was going home, they'd say "So when am I seeing you next?" or "See you Thursday probably". Now, they plan things with everyone in advance & sometimes don't message me at all for a while. Then they send me messages like "Hey, I'm busy all week but I'm free tomorrow, wanna come over?". This is meant to be a commited long term relationship.

The truth is they don't want to spend time with me because I'm not fun to be around. I'm annoying and I talk too much, or I'm too anxious & depressing. They've said before how, when we first met, they never thought we'd end up together - I'd had various public breakdowns & they must have thought I'm "too much". I think that's how they feel now too...