Well at least I'm not alone with that then! I hope your exam results go well, I'm sure they will but do make sure you talk to someone about them if you need to. :)

I just spoke to our student advisor, and she's confirmed that the results letter says that I will be able to resit the exam I missed in August as for the first time, so it won't be capped at 40%. So that's good. She also said: "And by the way, well done on your other modules. I really don't know how anyone can get 80 or 90 percent in an exam - it really is quite exceptional. You have a lot to be proud of!" So that's good too, at least I know I did well in most of my other exams.

And a skidpan day is driving hehe. I don't know exactly what it involves (I'm sure I'll write here about it heh!), but it should involve handbrake turns at least and learning how to skid/react to skids, and it's at the police college in Hendon so I'm happy. :)

Well done on the modules, and I'm glad you get to sit the one you missed :) And, from the photos on FB, looks like you had a great time zooming around in the police car haha :-D

I do this too. It's like a defence mechanism; cover up the emotion with cold hard facts. But this will only make you feel more alone... Try and let people know how you're feeling, they (and all of us on here of course!) really do care about you Liv

It was absolutely brilliant, driving a marked police car is the best feeling ever! And the guy who organised it said that a) He will give me a reference for the Specials/police; b) We can go back and have a tour around Hendon; c) we can possibly drive a fast car, depending on what's there (he was gonna try and let us drive a Lamborghini for a bit today, but he had to go off and do some police stuff heh).

But yes. It was nice. And it was all completely normal, so that was extra nice. :) Next Wednesday my mum starts radiotherapy, so I'm glad we got to do it before all that starts.

I'm meeting up with one of my friends tomorrow, so I might try and mention what's going on if it comes up. And I told one of my friends by text today, he's always been there for me at uni, so I'm kind of opening up a bit more now.

Glad things are going a bit better for you now.
I know it must still be hard, and you will still get bad days but at least you have some fun times and some positives to look forward to. Keep updating this thread as and when you need to. And I really hope your mums radiotherapy goes well and that you manage to explain some of your feelings to your friends.

What if.
What if what if what if.
Too many what ifs.

Now stop overreacting, yes?

How can I talk about it if it might all be absolutely fine again in September? Until we know what's going to happen, I don't need to talk about it, right? If they can remove the tumour in September (which is likely), everything will be fine again. So there's nothing to talk about. Right? There's nothing to talk about.

But what if. What if they can't remove it all? What if it's still too close to the artery? What if it comes back? What if it goes away and then comes back again? What happens then?

I want to cry. But there's nothing to cry about is there? It would be silly to cry now and then find out everything's fine in September, wouldn't it? And it will be fine. My mum's down to the minimum amount of pain relief possible, hugely reduced amount. She's responding really well. So being scared is stupid, right? I know she will be fine. Everything will be fine. Yes?

*hugs*

I know how it feels. My dad went through cancer. It hurt me so much. I can't remember the exact statistics, but the odds were very low of his survival. But now it has been two years since it has been gone, and he is healed.

There is hope. I will be thinking of you.

xoxo

There are what ifs in any situation. What if I walk out my door today and get hit by a car? What if I get mugged?

I did exactly the same when my mum died. What if they hadn't gone out? What if the car had been 30 seconds later? What if they had driven home instead of walking?

Ultimately "what ifs" help no-body. If the treatment works or not, if the tumour is removed or not, are impossible to accurately judge.

Yes your situation is difficult. And there are so few certainities that it is easy to dwell on possibles, but you will drive yourself mad with "what ifs". Its hard but try to just take one day at a time ok. The treatment at present is going well. That is the main thing.

I can't tell you everything will be fine. I'm not a doctor, I don't know. Even the doctors don't know. But I can tell you that whatever happens you have to strength to cope with it.

Its not stupid to be scared, or to cry.

I am sad or angry tonight. I'm not sure which. Maybe both.

I don't know who to be angry at though, it's not anyone's fault. Maybe just at the cancer. I know it's pointless, but I still am.

Does that make sense? I just cried for ages and I don't know why.

Maybe you're angry at the lack of control you feel you have?

It's ok to cry Liv, emotions are hard to explain sometimes x

Yeah, I think it might be that. Lack of control and lack of certainty, not knowing what's going to happen and everything. It's like, the questions I want answers to are things like:

Is it possible for the tumour to go away with the radiotherapy alone, so no need for surgery?
Will they be able to remove the whole tumour?
Will she feel ill during the radiotherapy?

And that's all the kind of things they can't answer yet, because nobody can know. All the signs are good, so that's really positive, it's just that sometimes it's hard to remember that. The radiotherapy starts today now, so at least they're doing something to remove it. I was doing a lot of reading about pancreatic cancer earlier and it does seem like radiotherapy and being able to remove the tumours is rare, so it's really good that my mum has responded so well and is so young and everything.

I think maybe I need a break from uni work, but there is a lot of it to do, and revising for the exam in August. My psychologist when I saw him said that he thought I was using revision to avoid everything else. Maybe he was right. Somehow it's July now, I'm off until September, and I still seem to be spending my summer doing uni work. But hopefully that will take some of the pressure off in September.

These are the kind of things you should ask the doctors or nurses.
They may not be able to give answers but might put your mind at ease a bit.

From my (very limited) understanding of chemo and radiotherapy I think that radiotherapy only prevents any further growth, rather than shrinking a tumour like chemotherapy will do. So it seems that surgery will be needed.

I would imagine that she might feel ill during radiotherapy, but probably a lot less ill than druing the chemo. But I am by no means an expert.

Its fine to feel angry. I think Gemma got it spot on that you are probably angry at the lack of control and certainity.

Thank-you. That is what I thought about the radiotherapy - as far as I can see it's to try and move it away from the blood vessel a bit so they can remove the tumour with surgery, I'm just not sure how it all works. I am going to try and find the contact details the Macmillan nurse gave us later, and then I might try and ask her some of the questions I have. Even if they can't answer it might be easier to hear it from them. At least we know the side effects from the radiotherapy and chemo will only be for a while. 28 sessions of radiotherapy and it will be finished, so that's not long at all really, which is good. Thank-you again, I really appreciate it. I know I keep repeating the same kind of things in this thread, but it's kind of helpful just to kind of 'think aloud' if that makes sense.

I'm actually going through chemo right now, so if you have any questions, you can ask me and I'll do my best to answer them!

Most tumors don't go away with only radiation. I think that it depends on the type, location, and overall health of the patient.

Here are some examples:

My grandma's both have cancer and both had radiation, but they had it for different reasons.

One of my grandmas has a tumor in her brain. Chemo can't pass the blood barrier into the brain, so the only option for brain cancer is radiation.

My other grandma had breast cancer and had radiation after she was done with her chemo. Her heart was really damaged by the chemo, so her doctor said that if her cancer ever came back, she couldn't have chemo anymore and would only have radiation.

Most doctors are able to remove the whole tumor, but still additional treatment is often needed.

I haven't had radiation yet, so I can't talk from personal experience. However, my grandma didn't feel sick. She felt really tired though. Something that I would watch out for is dehydration. Because you're tired and sleeping a lot, and still having some after effects from the chemo, a lot of the time people forget to drink water. This can cause kidney problems.

I would ask your doctor or nurse though, because treatment plans vary from person to person and doctor to doctor.

Katie

What if it is my fault.
What if I caused this.
What if it doesn't work.
What if they can do surgery but they can't remove it all.
What if the surgery is successful and then it comes back.
What if I'm just being selfish and overreacting about all of this.

The cancer returns within 2 years for 80% of people.
25% of people live past 5 years if the surgery is successful.

What if I stop thinking about stupid what ifs that I can't even do anything about anyway. What ifs don't help so I'm just being stupid, yes?
What if I am struggling with the lack of certainty.
What if I need to control something.
What if I am starting to think about stupid stuff again because I'm not actually coping that well.

What if I'm just stupid and pathetic and selfish and annoying and overreacting and immature and irritating.

What if I'm terrified of losing my mum and need to cry.

I really, really need some support. I'm really really sorry to be so self-absorbed, I am trying not to be.
I am a bad person. This is my fault.
It's what everyone says isn't it. Staying positive helps, being stressed won't help.
Think how much stress I must have caused them over the years. It is my fault, I caused this and I didn't mean do.
I want my mum to be ok again.
I'm so scared the surgery won't work. We don't even know if they can do the surgery yet. I think they will be able to. But what if it doesn't work. What if there's a tiny bit left and it spreads.
I am a really bad person, I'm really sorry.

You need to STOP looking online!
My dad was diagnosed two years ago with cancer and seriously, looking online just makes you crazy!
I've certainly been down the blaming myself route as well, and that will lead to nowhere good.
Even though i'm pretty much in your situation, I still don't know what to say... mainly because I know nothing I say will make the situation, or how you're feeling, any better. No one really knows what it's like unless they've had a parent with cancer in the latter stages. Forgive me for not reading the whole thread, but from your last couple of posts i'm just assuming that is the state she's at.
My dad is no longer receiving treatment because there really is nothing left to do.
Be thankful that she's still getting help. Those kind of treatments are really heavy going and she's really going to need your support.
You just need to surround yourself with positivity. Be around friends and family and really make the most of things.
Remember, it's not just the people with cancer that can receive help, there are plenty of places out there that offer help to those who have a loved one suffering with cancer.

Please listen to what you're saying. Cancer is a genetic malfunction; how could you have caused that? Short of shooting your mum with gamma rays, there is no way that you could have caused any of this. I promise.

"What ifs" will only make you feel worse. Maybe focus on what's happening now, not the uncertain future or the past. And your parents only ever got stressed about you in the past because they care so much, but that is having no effect on current issues.

You are such a good person, I wish you could see that. You're supportive, caring and kind, definitely not bad.

It's ok to cry Liv, you're safe. I'm here if you want to talk x

Thank-you, I really really needed to hear that. BeautyFiend I'm sorry to hear about your dad too, I know it's a horrible situation to be in. x

My mum's cancer isn't in the latter stages, I don't think. As far as we know it hasn't spread (Stage 2/maybe Stage 3 I think, so it's not too bad in that sense). It's just that it's not operable at the moment because it's so close to an artery. The chemotherapy shrunk the tumour so that's good, but it didn't move it away from the artery.

The radiotherapy finishes in two weeks. Then we can find out if it's operable but I think they said it can take up to a month to find out. I hate all the uncertainty so much. It's positive that it hasn't spread as far as we know, but sometimes it is hard to focus on that.

I stopped looking online for ages because it makes me feel so bad. I don't know why I've started again lately. I only really started 'cos I looked up the surgery and what will happen but then I started reading more and I don't know. I was trying to find someone like Macmillan or Cancer Research where I could e-mail them to get support or something. I've got the number of my mum's nurse but I'm rubbish with phones and everywhere just seems to have helplines, I don't really know where to go for support.

I just cried so much I gave myself a headache. I haven't cried for ages, so maybe it's good. It doesn't feel good though. It feels selfish.

Just putting it out there...if you EVER need to talk, I'm only a PM away :) I have cancer right now, and I'm doing okay. As far as stages go, stage 2 basically means that the cells have advanced, but they haven't spread to the lymph nodes or other organs (that's stages 3&4). I'm sure you already know all that though, but in a lot of cases, a lot can be done for stage 2 :) Keep thinking positive -if not for yourself, for your mom. Cancer wise, it really helps me feel better and I think in turn helps me get better!

Thank-you, much appreciated. :) My mum said she spoke to the consultant today, and he said all the signs are really good, so that's positive. Hopefully my mum can be one of the few who beat this type of cancer. :)

And I hope you're doing ok, good luck with everything. :)