*hugs*

I'm sorry things are so hard right now, and that you feel the need to self harm.

Are there self soothing activities you could do that might help you relax?

While it is good to be around family at Christmas, it doesn't mean illness automatically goes away. I hope you sleep well and that the next few days are kinder to you X

Thanks. I had a really bad sleep but did eventually manage to get some sleep. I have been out for a walk and might go out again later. My brother is still in his bed. It hasn't been majorly bad so far but I did only spend about an hour and a half with him last night before going to bed.

I've taken my first reduced dose of Aripiprazole today too. I'm not sure how long it will take to have an effect, if it does have an effect, but I really can't crack up while my brother is here.

I've nearly slapped my head a few times this morning but I'm good at not doing it in front of people and I consider it being in front of my brother even though he's in his bed because he might hear.

I'm sorry you're slapping yourself. Instead, when you get the urge can you care for yourself? Put moisturiser on, do your make up (even if you remove it straight away!) Have a nice drink etc

I second Tamo's suggestion.

I'm sorry you haven't slept too well but I hope going for a walk has helped.

Does the Aripiprazole usually have an effect quickly for you? I hope the reduced dose helps.

Thanks. The slapping is kind of automatic but I can restrain myself enough when people are around.

The reduced dose might make my symptoms stronger, I'm working towards coming off it completely until I find out for sure it's not affecting my heart. It's my psychiatrist's plan.

I have a similar thing, hitting my face, it's kind of automatic if things are going wrong/I get upset, so I can relate. Doing something self soothing may help in general though.

I see. Hopefully the reduced dose doesn't have noticeably less of a helpful effect!

How is your day going so far? X

Thank you both.

I'm so tired of life. It's a pointless battle.

Right now all I want to do is self harm but I can't manage to do it to the extent that I want to.

Things with the men and the other world are pushing on me inside but I can't express it on the outside. I'm seeing my CPN tomorrow and don't think I'll be able to communicate anything well enough, as usual.

I should be doing things relating to the other world but something in my brain stops me. I know I'm holding on to see my CPN anyway. I feel totally insane, in the wrong place, mute to explain these things. My words don't explain anything. I am alone.

I'm sorry you're having such a tough time. I hope your CPN does hear you tomorrow and that maybe you can both have a think about how the reduction of aripiprazole might be managed. I don't have many words but I'm thinking of you.

Thanks. I don't think I'm going to manage to get anything across to my CPN and what's the point anyway? I don't want to do this any more. I feel like I can't cope yet I have to continue breathing and suffering. If I buy the final amount of X today I'm going to have to get on with it. But why not just kill myself instead? I'm in such emotional agony. This is torture.

Do you think things are worse than usual at the moment? Would extra support be an option or possibly a hospital admission if so? I know there's a lot of conflict around that for you, which I completely understand. But might it be an option?

Things are definitely worse at the moment but even my usual is difficult. I don't know about a hospital admission, my CPN didn't suggest one so I must not need one anyway. I can't get extra support because of people having to take holiday time.

Everything today has felt too loud and I've felt too exposed. Things are so overwhelming.

My CPN showed the results of my most recent ECG to my psych and he faxed a prescription to the GP surgery to put my Aripiprazole back up to 10mg. I had written some things for my CPN and she acknowledged how hard it must be. I am grateful for her acknowledgement. She was talking about how many calls the duty CPNs get at this time of the year and how there are so many people suffering. It's really sad. :(

I don't want to hold on any longer. And yet I continue to hold on.

I wish I could ask how to be brave and kill myself. I don't want another year and I'm not needed in another year.

I'm hurting so much.

I'm not asking for anything from this, it's ok.

I'm so sorry you're hurting so much, I'm sending you so much love <3



We're here for you.

Thank you.

I don't know what to do. I don't want to have to feel this agony any more.

It's a long shot but is anyone getting in touch with you today?

x

No. I'll be getting a visit from crisis on Saturday. The last time crisis came they just had a general chat with me and I didn't get to say anything about how I was feeling. I'll probably be mostly fine anyway (i.e not in any huge physical danger) so it doesn't really matter. I just wish it was easier for me to get in touch with people.

I'm glad they are coming to see you soonish. I would disagree that you are in no danger just because physically you are okay. I wonder, if the appointment was to be really helpful, how would that look for you? If you were able to get in touch with people easier do you know what you'd like to say?


x

I'm not even sure of the answer to either of your questions. I don't know if anything would even be helpful, I guess I just need a kind person and to be able to talk about how I'm feeling. I don't know how to put it into words though that will actually express anything.

There was no Aripiprazole in my prescription for today and the next two days. I'm not sure when it'll get sorted out. It's not going to fix anything but I think I was a bit better on the Aripiprazole.

I'm tired of this fight but I can't imagine anything better only things being worse.

I need to overdose soon. For the sake of the world and to punish myself. I stupidly have to wait until the buses are running again though because I would almost 100% be likely to go for help afterwards as long as the men are happy with what I've done and the time that the poison has been in my system. I don't want to die painfully after overdosing or even cause myself permanent damage.

There's no solution to anything.

I want to be able to self harm to the extent that I am feeling emotional pain but everything I do is so minor now and it doesn't help. I don't know what else to try because self harm is the only thing that seems relevant. Some forms of self harm give ok release but not enough damage and I want good damage.

The world should ignore me. I can't deal with myself.

Sending you lots of hugs. Sorry I have no advice.