There are always more options than you realise. Have you tried everything that there is to experience in life? I'm guessing not, so how can you say there's nothing out there for you?

I think you should still ask your CPN about other support options. You don't have to take them but wouldn't it be better to find out what they are first?

Thanks for your replies.

I think the main thing in my life is that I am in so much emotional pain that is hard to tolerate and there is no quick fix so I just want out. Maybe if I was better at coping I could look at more long term things. My CPN always says that she's glad I've been trying things and that it's ok if I decide to not continue with activities etc that I'm trying or I don't want to do some things. I worry about an option being presented and I completely fail at it from the beginning because I'm too anxious or low or can't get out of bed on time etc.

I don't know if I should phone my CPN today since I'm seeing her on Wednesday. In this exact moment I'd say I'm reasonably safe but that will likely change soon. I'm getting tired and upset of facing trauma from within myself so often. I'm not really interested in life and I don't contribute much so there is no point in me being alive.

But there are things you can contribute and DO contribute. And so what if you don't contribute anything? "Life" is a massive complicated umbrella and we're all tiny drops of rain merely rolling over the top of it! Just because we don't appear to have a massive influence doesn't mean we're not allowed to be here. Life isn't measured or justified by a person's contribution.

I understand not trying things because of the fear of failure. I actually understand that a lot. I don't like things I don't know or can't predict... and yes, I've failed epically at some things but other things have honestly been a surprise. I generally don't try things unless I'm being "strongly encouraged" by someone else (don't want to say "pushed" or "forced" even if that has been the case!")

Failure is only a step in the path towards something different. There's nothing wrong with trying things and "failing" - all you're doing is discovering what is or isn't right for you. One person's "failure" is another person's "achievement". What I'm trying to say that failure isn't final.

I think you should ring your CPN today. It's what she's there for! But see how you feel later. It might be useful just to talk this through with someone you trust.

Thanks. I really need to find distress management/reduction techniques. I think that would help a lot in what I felt able to push myself to do. I also need to learn to cope with my worries about my brother or ideally find some way to help him. I'm terrified of being hit by a hammer of emotional pain suddenly, as happens most days. It is completely overwhelming.

My CPN did say I could phone her today, and another CPN reiterated this when she saw me on Friday, but I feel like I shouldn't waste her time when I can speak to her about things on Wednesday anyway. It's the extended hours/crisis service she's on today since it's a bank holiday and they only have one mobile phone that takes all the incoming calls and I wouldn't want to prevent someone else from getting through. Maybe she could phone me back from a landline, I don't know. I'm not sure what I'm going through is something I should reach out about or just wait.

How can you find the distress management/reduction techniques? Is that something your CPN could help you with?

I understand it's overwhelming. If it happens every day, is there something you can you do to predict when it might occur so you can manage it better?

If she said you can phone then that means she wants you to and that she thinks it'll be helpful for you to do so. Try not to worry about other people getting through. Calling back from a landline is a good idea though if it worries you. It's ok to put yourself first!

Thanks. Maybe my CPN could help with managing distress, I'm not sure. I have seen a number of psychologists and I asked my last psychologist if we could focus on coping with emotional pain but I'm not sure if we really did that. My psychiatrist thinks I might need to see a psychologist again at some point. I feel like I've exhausted a lot of support avenues.

There are always more avenues! And often it depends on the psychologist too. I can only speak from experience with counsellors but some are rubbish, some are ok... and then some actually "get you", if you know what I mean. Just takes a while to find the right person who has the right ideas that actually make sense and prove effective.

Thanks. I'm unsure if there is a solution for me, I feel like I was never meant to be born and that I'm not a full human being so can't survive like one. There is so much to work through, so many skills to try and learn, and I won't have the time to do that or the opportunity or patience from other people (and from myself). I'm quite against working on myself anyway while my brother is struggling, he has no support and says he doesn't like talking about things and I worry that things are going to get more difficult for him. I don't want to be ok if he's not.

Edit: and I haven't phoned my CPN, I think the extended hours team finish at 4.30pm so it's too late now. I don't really want to talk to the informal crisis team when they start. I guess I could try Breathing Space again but I always worry that I'll end up being put through to NHS 24 and then will spend ages waiting for phone calls or getting assessed and ending up in hospital.

I'm starting to feel a bit panicky. Don't know what to do with myself tonight. Don't know what to do with myself ever.

A small part of me thinks that I should use one of my 'admission cards' and request to go into hospital, that it might provide a bit of respite and the chance to reset things, but it's too much of a worry for my brother. And I'd have to sort out where my cats would go because the cattery they used to go to has downsized or maybe closed altogether. Plus I feel like the ward staff don't care as much or take me seriously when I have a planned admission rather than an emergency admission. I don't want to end up being admitted in an emergency though, I'm not even really allowed to be, I'm supposed to be able to predict when I need to go into hospital to avoid things getting worse.

The way to break this chain is to die.

The way to break the chain is to use the support that's been put in place to help you get through things and to be open-minded about trying new treatments.

Your brother is a functioning adult. He has a partner and other people to talk to if he needs or wants to. But it is entirely up to him. If he thinks he's fine just getting on as he is then that is his choice. Surely it would make him happy to see that you're progressing with life? In all honesty if you died then he would not be ok at all, and wouldn't be ok for a very long time, if ever. He has the choice to improve things now but you would make that a lot harder for him if you died. I'm not purposefully trying to guilt trip you - I'm just saying the honest truth.

Would you feel up to discussing a planned admission with your CPN?

Thanks. I always feel hopeless because the distress comes back very frequently despite what support I have. I know my death would affect my brother badly and I don't want to hurt him but I hurt him while I'm alive too and I don't know if I can cope with much more of life.

I'm not sure if I could discuss a planned admission. I don't think my CPN would be annoyed or anything because she has repeatedly said it is an option but I worry that people think I just like to be in hospital (which I don't) because that has been a belief of some of my previous professionals. I also told my CPN before she went on holiday that I was getting back to my usual level of distress, but again she said it was ok if we needed to increase my support again after decreasing it. I maybe should discuss it, there's a lot of negative points to hospital and I don't know how to make up my mind on my own. My last planned admission seemed to help I think but I thought about discharging myself on the first night because it was a struggle to be there.

Too much.

It sounds like it would be worth discussing it with someone - you don't have to make up your mind on your own!

Thanks. I will try my best, I change my mind about what to bring up with my CPN so often because my moods change and I can't bring up absolutely everything I have thought about since I last saw her.

I feel really sad, really hopeless. It's hard to see a way forward. I don't mean to be so pessimistic it's just that everything feels so terrible inside and outside.

Maybe just write a note now while you can think of specific things to mention.

I know you don't mean it. Pessimism is so much easier than optimism (and I'm totally guilty of it myself).

I have no words but agree with NonPerson.
It really is okay asking for support especially when you need it.

Lindsay, i just popped on tonight an DI feel the need to say this: being in hospital is always a million times better than being dead. Go to hospital if you think you need it. Don't second guess yourself, it is completely justified. Hospital exists to help people like us. Not the other way around. You are not a burden. If you need the help then you deserve the help, simple as.

Very well said, Zurg!

How're you doing tonight, Lindsay?

Thanks everyone.

I'm feeling really panicky. I don't think I should mention hospital, it seems like a bad idea. If my CPN brings it up I'll discuss it though. I actually wish something could be done for me medication wise but my psychiatrist is anti meds in BPD and I'm not sure if he considers me to still have depression and anxiety alongside BPD. I want to knock myself out but that would be a waste of time. I need to stop existing completely.

Hmm, just because your psychiatrist is anti-meds doesn't mean that works for everyone.

Good luck this afternoon. Don't feel ashamed to ask about the other options that you might have. It's better to discuss the options and dismiss them than to not mention anything at all. Did you manage to write some notes down?

Rooting for you. =)