Now it looks like I'm going to have to meet up with my friend tomorrow. We haven't seen each other since she was really rude to me when she was in hospital. I cancelled on her last weekend so I'll probably have to meet her tomorrow or risk ruining our friendship further. I actually wouldn't care if I didn't have her friendship any more, as harsh as that sounds, it's going to be hard to build up things with her again and social contact is hard enough as it is. I just hope she's not going to get onto me and upset me. I'm seeing the crisis team at 6.30pm tomorrow so at least I'll be able to say I need to be home for that.

How'd it go?

Hope you're okay.

My friend ended up cancelling almost as soon as we had confirmed the plans, which suited me. Avoidance. I wish I had agreed to an appointment with my CPN this week to get some support but nothing is going to change no matter how many times I voice the same things. The informal crisis team aren't seeing me any more and despite them trying to get everyone to meet me in the hope that it would make it easier for me to phone them I still don't think I can phone them unless everything's completely messed up and I get through to someone I know will listen. I really hate phone calls.

I wish I could find a way to be at peace with what I can and can't do right now. My week ahead will be filled with the usual looking around the same shops but buying nothing because I need nothing or spending money just for the hell of it, trying to occupy myself with reading and TV and the internet, going to the gym group. It's not fulfilling but I can't think of anything that would be. People tell me I'm doing a lot (well they said that when I was going to three groups a week) and that it's ok if all I achieve is going food shopping but it's just not enough for me. I feel almost paralysed though, I really can't do many things, but I need something more.

Need to be dead. :-(

How is today going? Can you put it in words?

Emotional ache, sharp emotional pain, emotional ache, sharp emotional pain. Repeat. Same as always.

I was going to try going to a reading group at my local library today and I was at the library about 20 minutes before the group was due to start and I was waiting behind a lady in the queue to speak to a library assistant. I saw some older ladies and heard one of them saying they needed more chairs and I wondered if they were the reading group and I freaked out and left. I can't do any 'normal' group activities. I was thinking of asking if a support assistant could support me to go but I just don't know if I could cope in a group that isn't specifically for people with mental health problems because my mental illnesses affect so much of what I do and how I relate to people and react to things. Everything is completely hopeless.

I see no way that anything can change and I'm finding things hard to cope with, hard to face up to this crap every single day.

Then I think about my brother and all the 'normal' stuff he has to face and he's probably similar to me in that he needs time to himself and that he feels anxious, so he'll be suffering and I can do nothing to help. I've been trying to say to myself that me getting distressed over what my brother might be going through isn't helping him but then I say that it's not fair for me to ever feel ok if I'm not actively doing something to help him feel ok.

No one can help me. I don't meet any criteria for needing immediate support and I've tried so many longer term things. No hope. I've had enough.

I'm sorry no one is giving you appropriate care. It must be difficult. Do you have any friends you can meet? Even just for coffee?

Thanks for your reply.

I don't really have any friends that I am comfortable with meeting up with. The friend that I met up with sort of regularly was the one who ended up in hospital and now our relationship is strained and we haven't seen each other for a while. I get on ok on my own if I can find something to occupy me but I have few interests and lack ability and confidence to try many things. Life is a lot about relationships though, I'm awkward and anxious around people and I especially don't like to get too close to people because they will then want to spend more time with me. I am a useless human being.

You are in no way useless. I'm sorry you struggle with friendships. I don't have many friends offline either.

I've said "I want to die" out loud many times today in the hope that it will somehow bring my death closer. I can't imagine having to face a future that goes on and on with this emotional pain. I need kindness, comfort, and reassurance, from someone who knows me and doesn't judge me but that's wrong. People will want me to be able to reassure myself, I'm an adult after all. I'm hurting. I don't think I can phone my CPN tomorrow or whenever because I have an appointment with her on Tuesday so I should try and wait for that instead of causing her more work. Relief is very, very temporary. I'm tired of holding on to life for my brother's sake. I honestly don't care if there could be the possibility of a positive future for me, I'd rather just die right now. If I was dead I wouldn't know about the future anyway so I wouldn't really miss out. Life is too much to cope with. I'm sad that every day is so hard.

I really need to stop doing this, getting by. I want to find a way to die. There is absolutely no other solution. But I can't even figure out a sure way to die. I need someone to do it for me. I can't continue this hopeless existence. No one will help me because I'm probably safe. I don't think there is any 'help' that is right for me anyway. And my notes from my last 2 psych ward admissions have arrived today and there's bound to be so much upsetting stuff in them as there always is. I don't know if I should read them right now or try to protect myself but whatever I do it won't change what is written there.

I exist far too much. I am dangerous. My words and actions can have huge negative impacts on people. I don't want to be responsible. I don't want to hurt people. I'm scared. Things about me will hurt other people even when I don't mean them to. I try hard not to do anything to cause people pain but I can't be fully in control of how I'm perceived. It's too much responsibility knowing I will hurt others. I know everyone probably affects some people in a negative way in their lives, but I feel totally evil. I'm so sorry. I can't be perfect so I need to die.

So many people perceive me negatively. Can't people just take what I say to them as being the truth? I do not mean to be a bad person, I am hurting. So desperate. Please someone end this torture for me.

Three hours with crisis team and the police last night. They drained me and I was irritated with myself and emotional. I kept saying that I know what support can be offered to me and none of it will help me so I don't need any support. I'm just glad a dodged hospital, I couldn't even be doing with the effort it takes to get an assessment.

Crisis came to see me again today and told me that I need to accept that I'm not going to be able to kill myself and use the energy I put into that into figuring out ways to make my life better. It's not an easy exchange. I don't choose to feel suicidal, it hits me and I know of no pain relievers so death always becomes the answer. Crisis said no one is happy all the time, that people just go through a daily routine. They must think that my baseline mood is as neutral as other peoples. I'm not asking to be happy all the time I just can't deal with so much distress that can suddenly come out of nowhere.

I'm trapped in life because I will never get suicide right. I have no idea what could help make life easier or more bearable and I don't think anyone else has any ideas either. The police said life shouldn't make me feel trapped. They had to send the adult at risk letter to the social work and said maybe they could offer me support like a befriender or something. The police didn't think the support I have right now is enough, I think they were surprised at my minimal social contact. I have fought for more than half my life and have found no solution to easing my pain. There can't be one.

(And I'll post my apology here for not being able to support other people at the minute.)

I really hope no one thinks I'm being overly dramatic with what I post here and that I just want attention. I am genuinely hurting.

I haven't read my medical notes for a couple of days, trying to protect myself, but I read a bit again tonight because I NEED to know what they say and I want to get them read and over with as quickly as possible. There are two nurses who write very negative things about me, no one else does, it's very upsetting and what they write is completely wrong. I'm going to post an example because I wanted opinions on if this is even professional or if they shouldn't write certain things. In some of my previous notes I read some things and mentioned them to a good nurse and she said she didn't think they were even allowed to write some things, personal judgements. Anyway, one note says:

'approached staff at 8.30pm and started rocking back and forth blaming everyone for her problems, making statements regarding mental illness and contradicting herself throughout one to one interaction. She denied this but member of staff and student pointed out statements she had made and realising this began to cry, however no tears evident and terminated interaction voicing other members of staff believe her, probable attempt to divide staff. Making feeble excuses for her recent actions and feelings.'

There is so much of that which is factually incorrect and to me it seems blatantly harsh and judgemental, e.g. using the phrase 'feeble excuses.' I remember the incident and I was very, very upset so I'm sure I was actually crying but if I wasn't it wouldn't mean I wasn't upset, I often try to hold tears in. I remember the nurse said I had said something and he actually had got it wrong and I was upset because he didn't believe me that he had got it wrong rather than me being upset because I had been caught out contradicting myself. There's plenty more in that short note that is upsetting and wrong. These two nurses consistently write things like this about me and if it was true that I was doing these things I would be ok with it but it hurts that I am being honest and that I try my best to do good by people yet I am being perceived as a terrible person. It hurts because I have absolutely no way to prove that I am being genuine and if I stated I was being genuine these nurses would likely think I was lying.

Before I had read these notes I sent a card to the ward (this morning) to apologise for any stress and problems I caused for my risky behaviour that I sometimes carried out in the ward, because I think they deserve an apology for whatever impact my behaviours may have had on them when I was unwell and unable to cope. Now I'm very worried about how the card will be received. I believe that the majority of the staff will see it as a genuine apology but it will probably add more fuel to the hate fire of the nurses who hate me.

I will talk to my CPN about things tomorrow, I just wanted to get some things off my chest here because I'm really upset and I wish I could harm myself worse than I have. Sorry this is long, thank you if you have persevered with reading.

To be honest I find that entry to your notes disgusting! I worked on acute wards for three months, albeit as a student nurse and I have never read or entered a note that is so judgemental and presumptuous, furthermore, notes are supposed to be structured in a certain way and include certain things which that one clearly does not. I would go as far as to say that nurse needs to undergo further training on note writing as well as patient empathy!

I'm not a nurse or anything but I agree with the above.

I'm sorry that you had to read that, have you read all of it or just some? I don't think it will be beneficial to read your notes tbh

Thank you both. I have read the majority of my inpatient notes over the years, I have about a months worth left to read. I know it's not really helpful to read them but I want to know what people are writing about me. I think it's important to know how I'm being perceived. I knew these two nurses were against me anyway so I suppose I don't really need to see written proof of it. I've spent nearly £70 on this batch of records and since they're here I'll probably end up reading the rest. My CPN said she doesn't think I should read them because it'll be like reliving some of the difficult times I had in hospital.

I decided last night on a suicide method, not one I'm comfortable with but it was one that involves the least people having to deal with my body and I thought of a way I might be able to make it easier for myself. I am terrified of the physical sensations but was 100% sure it was the right thing to do. I did sleep a bit and wake up thinking, why should I kill myself over 2 nurses, but of course I'd be killing myself over more things than that. My CPN wanted to put support in place to help keep me safe and said one of the things she would have suggested was an admission to the ward but hearing my experiences of it she didn't think it would be a safe place, which I agree with. She made an appointment to see me again on Thursday (I don't deserve it) and she got the crisis team to phone me tonight and every night for about 2 weeks I think. I have accepted support but I really wish I would just face up to my fears and get on with suicide. This life is far, far too difficult and painful to be something I want.

I don't know what to say, other than that I really believe that things can get better for you.


I'm really glad that you'll be seeing your CPN on Thursday and that the crisis team are going to be calling you. You definitely do deserve the support. You don't have to be alone with this.

Thank you.

I seriously wish I would just be brave and get on with suicide. There are no life paths that are right for me. How things are now is as good as they can be. Hopeless.