*screams in frustration* such a simple thing with no rational reason for paranoia or anxiety yet i was and still am anxious... the meeting is over and my stomach still hurts,my back still hurts and i'm still jittery (for lack of a better word)... i fail at normal life. aside from the grr-ness of that this morning was good. ran into a friend i haven't seen in... since easter... on the bus... with j talking **** and being another of his friends and not hardly ever hearing from him i thought he wasn't willing to be my friend anymore... debated between thinking i was a **** person and that j was spreading rumors but had never asked. we hung out for about 10 minutes before i had to go to work... might have to put effort into being social and going out soon. i hate going out to be social though. the people are usually too much unless i have a distraction and even then i always feel self conscious about everything... maybe i'll have him and his fam come over for sushi night or something. i just have to make it a weekend instead of a friday so i can get the sushi made in advance and just have to slice and serve instead of still making it when they've arrived. but then i dunno if his wife likes sushi (or would show up, she thinks d is too intimidating so she avoids us when she can) let alone his little girl (who is almost the same age as my youngest... like 1 yr diff maybe 1.5 yrs diff). *shrug* i'll figure it out eventually. either way i need to get j's stuff out of my living room first. then it'd be nice n cozy.

...oh yeah before i confuse everyone i had a special staff meeting with the rest of the support staff today...

... another thing i find interesting about my friends wife thinking my husband is intimidating? she's at least 6 ft tall... d is only 6'4", i know he's much broader than her but seriously seeing them next to each other there isn't that much size difference. but then i find her only tolerable not friendly in general so maybe it's just her outlook and attitude. she couldn't remember me or my name for the first yr or so i knew her. my friend would remind her of my name and when she asked if he was sure we met before he'd have to remind her i'm david's wife then she'd remember me. i hate that. it's not like i have a plain common name she'd easily forget, ya know? anyway i'll quit whining about it.

*goes off to catch up on posts*

Oliver- hope your g/f is ok. let us know how she is plz.
mark- glad your rent is fixed and apt is cleaned up... less to stress over at least.
kat- i'm glad your op went ok. honey filled candies rock for throat issues and coughing :)

i know i was gonna add other stuff but i can't for the life of me remember what it was... sorry guys if i left you out it wasn't intentional just a brain malfunction on my part.

*cuddles everyone*

Oh Crimson I'm sorry you are having so many issues , Its sounds the best solution would be to make the sushi in advance and keep it in the fridge and make a weekend of it , And it must be SO infuriating when you are just known as "Davids wife" UGG Poor Crimson *Hugs ya*

heather, there was some bad stuff that went on with mercy in australia, but the rest of the stuff i just think is baloney, i've done some research on it and why would so many people go there if the bad stuff were true? :-/ and anyway, most of the so-called "research" available is blogs by different people, who can say whatever the hell they want to against mercy and can't be prosecuted for it or whatever. but thanks for the suggestion - and sorry if it seemed like i was attacking you, i really wasn't intending that effect!! *cuddles* how are you doing?

crimson, i'm sorry for the **** day you're having but you are not a fail. it may feel like you are but you definitely aren't!! you have so much to deal with every day - as do we all - that i think it's a miracle we're all still around. :) and i am thankful that we are, 'cause you all are wonderful people. *cuddles*

kat, glad to hear that the op did indeed go well. :) that makes me happy to know... what's a g.a.? and a chest infection is no good. :( *cuddles gently*

i spy mark and kahlia!! *glomps* :) kahlia, no worries about not being supportive right now. you've done a fair share of supporting, now it's time for you to be supported... it's so hard to support a lot of people when you're in a really bad place yourself, as i'm sure we all know!! :)

*cuddles hels and lindsay* lindsay, are you a Christian, or would you be offended by a Christian song? because there's a lovely one by britt nicole i think you'd like if you're not the latter. i won't link it here but it's called "don't worry now" and it applies to your situation (i think). anyway, you can look it up on youtube if you like.

i'm so tired... and tired of being tired... and worried about jarrod... gahhh. :'(

I'm emotionally exausted , Early bed again I'll try despite not sleeping well for a few nights.
*Leaves hugs and hot choccy ( Calorie free ) on the table and waves goodnight to the ward :)

*huggles/waves at everybody*

Well it's just after 0500 hours - or 5:00 am for those who prefer 12 hour time, and I've gone another night without sleep. *sigh* Getting way too regular. . .

Anyway, I apologise if/when I miss someone, I'm not exactly firing on all cylinders right now:

Kat: Glad to hear you are home, and that the surgery appears to have gone well. Sorry though to hear that you may have a chest infection from the G.A. Have you had reactions to anaesthetics before? I hope that you are going to be able to get plenty of rest to get your strength back. *gently hugs you*

Helen: *glomps you* Walking in the sunshine, especially with friends, can be some of the nicest things to do. I hope you are doing okay sweetness.

Mark: Just checking what I read, which was that there was a bureaucratic error and that is why they didn't pay your housing benefits? Does that meant that they are going to pay them back to you? It can be really hard to have to keep putting on the "happy mask" and a struggle to put it on and keep it on, and sometimes even to take it off. I hope you are managing to stay safe or just trying to take care of yourself. *hugs you*

Crimson: I'm glad you ran into your friend. Those "chance meetings" can be really good for the soul. They can really give you a lift. I'm sorry you had troubles with your anxiety at the meeting. I hope that is passing. *cuddles you*

*sigh* Time for a coffee and a smoke. :-(

yeah sometimes i have to plan stuff out pretty far. i like to cook and on top of plain old liking to cook stuff on my own its cheaper (though the appliances take up a ton of room lol)... i make my own bread and custards and doughs and honey butter and cookies and sushi, etc etc and all that other wonderful stuff and i will make my own pasta, yogurt, beef (and other meats) jerky, fruit and veggie chips and fruit leathers soon... i'm working on expanding my appliances to include pasta making additions to my kitchen aide (less room taken up by attachments to a machine i have than to get a new machine with its own attachments), a dehydrator (hopefully it arrives next week), and a yogurt maker... but with all the make it myself i tend to need a wee bit of extra time to prep for things :) cooking is a good distraction sometimes, especially if you have someone as a sous chef. i'm gonna stop talking about cooking though i could go on forever :blush: *hugs back*
have a good nights sleep *crosses fingers*

thanks april :) *cuddles back* i just hate feel a way i think is irrational. it's just infuriating. and i totally agree the people in here are wonderful and awesome too.

yeah they certianly are. sadly 'chance meetings' is usually how i run into my friends. though i think part of that is i've never been a partier and even if i was before i have kids and most everyone else i know doesn't or is a new parent. *cuddles* i am feeling a bit better now. hope your sleep cycle gets a bit better soon.

*grabs a no cal dark chocolate hot cocoa with mini mallows* the work day is half over and so is the week *mutters: thank gods* i dunno how much longer i can take r being on half days and trying to juggle everyone's requests and everyone's jobs... we'll see how it goes. her doctors note expires end of next week.

Hey guys. I hope everyone's OK.

Once again, I don't know how I feel. It's numb most of the time. Numb and scared. Scared when I think of the future. Of living. But it can't even be a simple suicide, because I am scared to die. Stuck in a stupid Limbo. We once studied a poem called Limbo in English, it's pretty relevant to how I feel actually.

Long dark night is the silence in front of me.

The nights are so long, this never ending darkness that I am all alone in. It's so quiet, so lonely and I am stuck in it. Sorry, I am getting all poetic and weird now. I'll shut up. I probably sounded like a total ****. Stupid.

*cuddles lia* i don't mind poetic posts. :) and you don't sound stupid or like a total ****.

lia, i agree with crimson, you didn't sound stupid or like a **** or anything bad... i liked your post, actually - not the topic, but the poetic'ness of it. *cuddles if that's okay?* i wish that i could help you more... but i'm in a bad place myself at the moment... :-S hope you feel better soon though, and i'm glad that you're in a limbo instead of having your mind made up to die. it may not be very comfortable, but still... you are strong, stronger than you know... keep pushing forward, til you break through & see the light of day. we all can do that, and will, hopefully.

i'm really not doing that great right now. i just want to cut... or purge... or die... i'm so sick of living. and on top of everything i'm struggling with, i'm worried about jarrod. think i'll post about that in my r/v in a bit as i don't want to take up space here really with my fruitless worries. :-S (but what if they aren't fruitless?...)

i'm so tired. my bestie was just over for a little over an hour which was wonderful... so nice seeing her. we're going to surprise jarrod with something but i'm not allowed to say what... and he's having a *coughadultycough* op tomorrow so i'm supposed to think up something with which to surprise him when i get home from work. :-S

*hides in the warren*

updated r/v....

if you don't want me typing that anymore, please tell me..................

^ i dont mind <3

i prefer when you say so april... lets me know when to check. like now :)

hmmm... anything else tipping you in that direction regarding jarrod, april?

how irritable he's been... how impatient with me (although most guys would've given up a long time ago)... how he's expressed that he doesn't feel like he has a direction for his days now that he's on furlough... *adulty* issues... ummm... there's more stuff but that's the main bits. :(

i feel awful. just want to cut and cut and cut... :crying:

take care hun... what would cutting actually help? [long run]

you're probably right. but i have no idea how to approach the subject with him. sorry *cuddles*

Hi April.
I'm sorry you feel so bad. I don't really know what to say that could help, which is odd because I am usually full of words. Just think about everything you have held on for all this time, and at the risk of sounding like some nancy off Titanic, never let go.

You're worries aren't fruitness, if they're making you feel bad, they are important.

Smile- it makes people think you're up to something.
xx

P.s why did the monkey fall out of the tree?

Because it was dead.

Sorry about the stupid joke, but my English teacher told me it and it made me laugh so much, so I thought I would share to try and make people laugh to make up for being such a misery before.

*Hugs to whoever wants them.*

crimson - i've already talked with him about it and he does think he's depressed. it's just that... well, i don't know if he plans on talking to anyone about it. he's just waiting now to go back to work (he took a 3 month furlough to keep from being laid off, no pay but still have health insurance). he says that even though he hates where he works at least it gives his days some sense of purpose. i don't know though. i guess he just plans on "toughing it through" the depression? whatever it is, it's not too bad yet... but i'm worried about how bad it'll be before he's called back. :-S

thanks for the joke, lia. :P it actually made me laugh really hard and when i told it to my husband he put it as his facebook status... "a joke from april..." lol. so thank you. :) *hugs* and you weren't a misery before, no worries, love.

i really don't feel good mentally... want to cut so ****ing badly... know right where it would be... and i'm listening to a somewhat triggering song too. not wise but i really like it... not because it's triggering but because it has a good ending. :-/

*hides in the warren*

for some of us we just won't ask for help until we see no other way. on the bright side he acknowledges how he's feeling.
i'm doing the same thing song-wise... what are you listening to?

lolz @ lia's joke.i like that one

Having a really bad night :'( Nobody's around to talk to though.

mama mia:
i hope your night goes better. PM me if you need to talk.*hug*

Thanks honey.

*hugs helen* im sorry you had such a bad night hun. Always around if you need...

Sorry for the lack of replies everyone.. long couple of days. SI stuff is getting pretty bad *sigh* I wont waste ppl's time.. sorry. (and I know you will all say that it wouldn't be a waste of time.. but i just feel like a broken record sometimes so yea)

it wouldnt be a waste of time :P
poke me on fb :)
<3 [and yes i did say 20 min ago that i was getting off :P]
take care <33

*Offers hugs to those that want or need them, and waves to those who don't*

Hiya hope everyone is ok. I am nervous as all buggery I am going to do a speech infront of over 100 people. I hate crowds, bright likghts and public speaking. Oh bugger what did I get myself into?

*Runs to nearesr corner, hides under and invisibility cloak and cries*

*HUGS MID,Heather,Laura,Helen,recovoningrobin,Crimson,Ap ril,I'm just me,Lia , Kahlia and all else whom I must have missed sorry*

Kahlia , My Rent goes straight form the Benefits people to my landlord , I don't touch it , I don't even know what it is exactly , so they seem to have sorted out the problem themsevles :)

Waking up triggered just sucks beyond beleif , I'm not fully triggered but then I'm not fully awake . I have an appoinment with my nurse this morning , is gos a little like a counsellors appoinment at the begining even though that not her role, she is good at it and I like her. Then onto more detox nurse stuff.

Last night didn't get much better heh =[ I was in such a bad mood. Not so much now I've had some sleep :D But I do have a wonderfully shitty cold & hayfever on top. Plus my ear ****ing hurts (all that blowing I think!!) Ugh. Anyway today should be good, but I won't be around for a few hours now so...

*leaves hugs for all who need them* :)

*gently cuddles everyone who sent her cuddles* thanks everyone. reading and thinking of you all. wish i could do more. back off to sleep again, i ache.

good morning/evening/afternoon everyone...

*cuddles all*

i really do not want to go in to work this morning... i am probably having a "hissy fit" but i am sick of doing grunt work, sick of not applying psychology as much as i could be had i been more well - or had i not confided in professors as to my mental state - when they decided where to place me. less than 2 weeks and i will be done, but still, i am so ****ing sick of being there. i love the people but i hate not really doing anything with my nearly-earned degree!! :'( anyway...

i really need to work on applying for res. i don't know. i'm just really, really scared about it... :(

i'm so tired of life. just... so over it. can't it be done? can't i go "home"? :'(

played wow for a bit this morning, got a few quests done and a few achievements accomplished. my little blood elf hunter is now halfway through level 13. :) but anyway.....

*hides in a corner in the warren and cries*

:snoozle: :snoozle: :snoozle: :snoozle: :snoozle:

How are you now April?

How is Julie?

urg. hating this. *curls up in a bundle of cushions and duvets and tries to get comfy* someone hit me with some heavy painkillers..and sedatives..and perhaps some laxatives...

i am soooo tired. it's only 8:30 am and i just wanna go back to be already... not that i wanted to get up...

I posted on my R/V thread

http://www.recoveryourlife.com/forum...80#post2335180

Morning Crimson How are you ?*Hugs*
*Hugs Kat *
*Hugs Lindsay*
*Morning Julie*
*Tackles April*

*hugs Mark back* Not feeling as crap as yesterday. Tired. Minorly triggered. Stressed. But I'm not hyperfocused on visualizing injuries I could make... *shrug* Beginning to think this is as good as it gets...
How are you this morning?
*leaves hugs for everyone not around right now*
I played a bit of WoW last night... Lurial is halfway through lvl 25 now.

today just gets better and better.
anyone figure out a way to make it possible to put our physical selves in here? i would like to step into my computer and physically be hiding in the warren, thank you.

updated my r/v thread... i was going to put it in here but thought better of it.

Added I line to my lastest R/V thread , just and update , not importent , I'm not important.:( I feel so empty

*cuddles mark*
read your r/v. you are important. not to nag but, you did clean and dress your wounds right? i'm sorry you feel so crap. *sits and holds your hand*

*hugs mark and crimson* i read both of your r/v threads. I'm sorry that you are both struggling so much right now. I wish i had more words but I'm not in a great place myself right now so i don't know how helpful I would be.

*hugs april* i'm sorry that you don't like your internship. I hate to say it, but a lot of internships are grunt work, so at least yours isn't too long. You'll be able to get a more applicable job later, and it always looks good to have an internship on a resume, whether or not it was mostly paperwork stuff. I hope that you get res stuff sorted out. I think i would be scared of applying and all that too :-/ Oh and I've been reading your r/v too. I'm sorry you and Jarrod are having so many problems.

*hugs helen, lindsay, kat, julie, and everyone else*

Well, I successfully avoided SIing last night. Quite impressive since i did not fall asleep until 6am, my mind was racing and completely awake even tho my body was exhausted. I slept until noon tho. Ugh, feel like my whole day is wasted now. Still kind of feeling like cutting this afternoon... Hope that the urge/anxiety that goes along with that goes away before work tonight. Ugh. Im so confused about some thing *sigh* I might put some in my r/v thread if i have time.

great job on no si last night laura *hugs*

<3 good job not cutting last night :) stay strong hun <3

updated r/v... sorry i'm not reading other people's right now, will later, i promise. am not doing so well mentally... selfish i know but... :crying:

that's not selfish hunny that's honest. *cuddles*

I've done the best to care for my wound although in the end I got fed up with it bl**ding over and over that I put a plaster on it and sellotaped over it VERY hard to apply pressure.

April , you're not being selfish , you have to look after yourself as a priority, it's good sense and besides I think it's in the rules :)

Well Done Laura on not cutting :-) Proud of you

my sister called me selfish today, basically, or at least that's how it came across. :'(

feel awful. want to cut so badly. but laura, sweet, well done on not cutting last night!! *cuddles* hopefully you can keep it up. and thanks for being honest with us about how you're doing. i know how hard that can be.

i'm terrified about filling out these apps for res. :'( i don't want to be away from jarrod for 6-12 months... i am so ****ing scared. i don't think it's reasonable to be this scared, but i don't know... :(

*hides in a hidey hole* :crying:

Righto, I'm going to try and sleep now 9.40pm is late enough to sleep ( Or attempt it) right? I hope everyone has a good Night/morning/afternoon whichever timezone who happen to find yourselves in.
*Leaves hugs and cammomille tea and a jar of honey on the ward table*

pleasant dreams, mark... *cuddles and tucks you up in your ward bed* :) hope you sleep well... hope you get to sleep quickly.

i'm so exhausted. just fixed supper - actually fixed it - for the first time in awhile. made salsa ranch chicken on a bed of (frozen) veggies... it actually turned out pretty decently for something i just fiddled 'round with for the first time. heh.

but i'm full and don't want to finish my portion. :'( feel so fat and icky...

sorry, if that was against the rules or too triggering or something i can take it down and will if you let me know...

It was , It was to early to go to bed a expect to even rest , just so uncomfy and hot , I jast paced the flat a few time in the semi dark and found myself back on the ward:)