You're not weak or failing, or anything horrible you see yourself to be. You're dealing with significant early trauma. I don't know what your early life experiences are exactly, but from things I've seen in this thread it looks like you had far, far too much responsibility placed on you as a child. I'm sorry if I've come in like a bulldozer to say that, I just think it's really important because it means of course you don't feel equipped to self-soothe, nor maybe imagine ever being able to.

I think it really, understandably frightens you at the thought of professionals not being there, partly due to not having good support in other areas of your life/other nourishing relationships. It doesn't sound like there's any plan to make you stop seeing professionals though, so it's okay to need them. It is okay to need people and not be able to do it on your own. Most people can't do it totally on their own. If you've been what you've been through, that's especially hard.

Something that really helped me was essentially to develop an attachment to my yoga group. They're my community where I can go to feel accepted. It's hugely supporting. I don't know how exactly you'd go about finding something like that, but I would recommend it. A lot of people find that support in religion. I've been thinking about joining the Quakers recently but I'm still building the courage to attend! Maybe a professional could help you with something like this? Something with mental health sensitivity might be best. Not as something you 'should' be doing, but something just for you, something that's there to hold you and help you. Failing that, have you ever looked into counselling charities or other mental health charities which might be close to you? I am looking into where I might be able to go if I get discharged from services, not so much because I plan to, but as a contingency plan. I need to know that if I need help, a professional relationship WILL be there... And I think it's okay to need that.

Sorry for rambling, hope I haven't made things worse or said anything too hard. I'm thinking of you.

Thanks, I will acknowledge your reply properly at some point.

No one is here but i have nowhere else to go. Breathing Space finished at 2am and the samaritans scare me. Wandered for about an hour but the men weren’t giving me proper guidance about where to go. I was scared. It’s dark and I thought a lot about suicide but i’m still here, there seemed to be no appropriate method at this time. I’m not sure in what form i exist anyway. This is all just imagination. No one can help me because i don’t exist and neither does anyone else. But i need to reach out to something. There’s something i’m supposed to do outside but it’s unclear and i can’t keep wandering. There’s no one to help me make sense of things. All the imaginary people in the world have disappeared. People who exist in some form like my cpn and my support worker are off right now and no one else will understand me. I set off some kind of alarm, someone is monitoring my house. I know they always see me. They must have alerted someone that i had left my house at a time that is unusual for me. I need out of this imaginary world. Stop thinking about me. I don’t want to be chained here. Talking to myself but myself isn’t even real. I am a ball of pain, evil, and trauma. Alone. Scared.

Don't know what to do. Go it alone I guess. Why should I even think I need to reach out anyway? Grow up and get on with it. All of my treatment team minus my psychiatrist and my CSW who I can't talk to are off right now. I don't think anything is serious enough for me to phone the duty CPN. There's nothing anyone can even do. I'm trapped.

Could you give the duty worker a try?

I don't know when it's right to call duty, I've always assumed that it's only ok when someone is suicidal or someone is concerned that a person is really mentally unwell. I rarely contact them myself, most of the time it has been when professionals or NHS 24 have put me in touch with them. I just don't want to be wasting their time because there's nothing they can do anyway. I'm seeing my CPN a week on Friday but I worry that I won't be able to tell her the main things that have been going on because she has been away for so long that there is so much to say but at the same time when there is so much I can end up saying nothing at all. There is no real crisis at the moment, no need for any proper support. I just need to get on with it. I'm seriously just a failure of an adult, a failure of a partial human.

Reading over this and, wow, I seriously don't exist. What are these words? Who is this thing? It can't be real. It doesn't connect but it deeply connects. I am not supposed to be in this body or in any body.

I was eating my dinner in the kitchen and had the window open because the kitchen was hot from cooking. I realised that if anyone was outside they'd hear my cutlery on the plate and would know I was eating and I don't deserve to eat. There I was piling food onto my fork and taking mouthful after mouthful. Greedy and undeserving. I cried. I am the only person who doesn't deserve food. I am bad for allowing myself to eat. Not one single person is like me. I am the middle of all evil, I create it all. I am poison and I should be destroyed. I am completely worthless. I need to be taking steps to get rid of myself no matter how painful or distressing the process is.

I phoned the voluntary crisis team and tried to make sure they weren't busy and they said they weren't but 7 minutes into our conversation said she had to go on a visit. I'm not important. I'm hurting and I need pain relief from a human. I need to destroy myself. Please do it. Nothing is touching this despair that has travelled with me throughout my life. There is no living solution. I don't feel real enough to kill myself but I know that killing myself is what I have to do. I can't do anything risky in case my brother finds out. I can't even self harm well enough. There's no one left to reach out to now, I reached out and got nowhere.

There is no escape. There is no relief. Life will go on and on like this until the point when it gets even worse. I am so scared. Set me free.

I have a blade but I don't need an inanimate object, I need a person. So low.

*Sits with you*. I'm sorry I don't have many words. Wish you weren't feeling so awful just now.

Thank you, you are kind.

There is no immediate help for feelings only immediate help for behaviour. I can't act on any feelings. I need help but objectively it probably seems like I don't need help. I'm safe. No one cares about anything else.

I'm sorry you're feeling so awful at the moment. I think sometimes it's true that there isn't a lot of support if you're considered to be 'safe' but that isn't always the case. Sometimes you get the right person at the right time and they're able to offer something helpful or at least help you feel a bit less alone with it all.

I really hope that you manage to try and reach out and speak to someone. And I know it isn't the same, but we're here for you. Thinking of you xx

Thanks Hannah, I appreciate your support.

It's just quite hard right now because the people I trust the most (CPN and support worker) are off. I was supposed to have an appointment with a different CPN on Tuesday this week but it had to be cancelled. I asked my CPN once if she had enough people who asked her if she was ok and she said she does but she's quite good at reassuring herself and taking care of herself. I can't imagine being able to self soothe and to not need someone external to offer reassurance. I really do feel like a scared and upset child and there are no adults around to give me a hug and protect me. People see a 32 year old adult not how I feel inside. Even the people who understand why I feel this way and that I never had comfort as a child or was able to fully be childlike they still look at the fact that I am an adult and I have to behave like one no matter what I need. I'm not meaning I act out or anything, I just feel like I need a lot more external reassurance than some people but the focus is always going to be on me sorting things out for myself. I hope that doesn't sound like I'm not taking responsibility, I'm just unable to do some emotionally kind things for myself and I don't want to be distressed all the time so I need people around. I have grown up physically but haven't really moved on emotionally. I was actually better at just getting on with things when I was a child/teenager/younger adult. I feel so alone right now and very low.

I think you expressed yourself very well there, and I'm sorry your CPN and SW are off that would and has stressed me out before, it takes time to build up trust and if your childhood has been less than ideal it's completely understandable to crave comfort and support as an adult from someone you trust. I know it's not the same as 'comfort' but have you looked at whether there are any creative writing groups and such in your area? I seem to remember you go to a book reading club but there might be more options as well as that? Just human interaction, even if not exactly what you need might help a little?

Thank you. I'm not great at creative writing and the group I was more comfortable going to had to stop because they lady didn't have time any more. There is going to be a creative writing group starting again with the organisation where my support worker is from but the person taking it doesn't really have knowledge of how to facilitate creative writing groups and when I went before it was pretty much boring and stressful.

This week has been so difficult. Things came to a head last night, not entirely mental health related and I can't discuss things on here or in my house in case people hear me. I was terrified about some things and found out that my tinnitus contains a subliminal message that I need to decode to stop it from influencing me badly. It wasn't safe at home and I was trying to calm myself down and see if I could talk to someone face to face today because I couldn't talk on the phone either because the people would be listening in on my calls. I just kept panicking and everyone was in danger so I had to do something. I walked outside for a while to risk making a call on my mobile but not say exactly what it was about, 101 seemed like the only appropriate number. The person who answered said I should stay on the street where I was and the police would come to me since I couldn't talk about things over the phone or in my house. I didn't need mental health assistance other than that I was distressed but they wanted to take me to A&E to get the message in my tinnitus looked at. I kept saying no but they weren't taking no for an answer and I knew I was wasting their time saying no so I let them take me.

I was assessed by a psych nurse who knew me distantly from one of my admissions. I tried to explain what was going on. She asked what my diagnosis was and everything went completely downhill as soon as I said BPD and she started nodding. She said something like is this because my CPN is on annual leave? She was angry and said I have plenty of support in the community. I'm sure she thought I was just trying to get attention and I had wasted everyone's time and I am an awful person. She said I could go home and she'd get duty to phone me in the morning. I said this isn't mental health related. She again reacted like I'm a fake. I kept apologising. As soon as people know I have BPD they make so many wrong assumptions. I know everyone hates me.She said she read my notes and that people don't hate me that's my opinion but it was obvious that she was annoyed with me and was just trying to hide it because she had to be professional. She told the police I have plenty of support in the community. Clarifying that it's not ok for me to ever contact anyone else because I have so much support and I'm greedily asking for more. I think she assumed I wanted to be admitted to hospital. I think the police were then annoyed with me after she spoke to them. They took me home and looked around the house and said no one was there. I said sorry and they said bye and left, they didn't tell me I had nothing to be sorry for so they were obviously annoyed because throughout the time they were with me they were telling me I didn't need to be sorry about anything.

Everyone hates me because of my diagnosis. I can't reach out to anyone about anything ever again. I will be terrified at home. I will let the people do whatever they want to me. I will attempt to decode my tinnitus myself to see if I can prevent other people from coming to harm. I care about other people but they all hate me when they find out I have BPD. I am a worthless human made extra worthless by my diagnosis. I am a bad, bad person and even though some people say I'm not it's confirmed by most people that I am a terrible person. I am just a person with BPD. Everything I do is to get attention or cause trouble. It's my fault I have BPD, I am fully responsible. These are peoples beliefs about me, all because they hold BPD central to me and make assumptions. I know I'm a bad person but I care about people and I try to do good. When BPD is mentioned people don't believe that I can be anything other than selfish. People will always stick stereotypical labels on me and interpret everything I do within those stereotypical beliefs. I have zero worth because I have BPD. The world knows it would be better off without me and everyone is waiting for me to kill myself. If I had a different diagnosis I would be perceived differently and treated differently. Everyone hates people with BPD and I am very sensitive to being hated. I can't make people see who I really am because they can't see past their interpretations of what someone with BPD is like. No matter what I have inside it will never be seen for what it is. Everything has to be about selfishness and seeking attention.

There will now be police notes and further NHS notes about me and what a waste of life I am. They will inform anyone who has contact with me in the future, from the NHS or the police, that I am a fake and I know exactly what to do to get attention and I don't need additional support at all. I am a greedy, selfish, time waster. I am sorry for who I am and I am sorry for who I'm perceived to be. I should never have been born and I don't deserve to take one more breath let alone have support from services. The nurse who assessed me thinks I'm a fake because I haven't expressed full on distress to anyone for a while. Those police men had never met me before and now they will wish that they had never been kind to me and gave me their time. I am poison. I am just BPD and that's all I'll ever be.

Oh Lins *hugs gently* that is a disgusting reaction whatever diagnosis it is, but I do understand (although have been rediagnosed with other things) what the BPD/EUPD label can carry in terms of how people treat you. You Don't deserve that treatment and it is completely unacceptable how you were treated. I wish I could do something for you. But what I DO know is how caring and lovely you are and that no diagnosis can change that fact. I don't trust people easily and I would put my life in your hands.

Thank you. I appreciate that most people who know me better don't judge me by stereotypes, it's just hard to be put into a box by so many people who don't even take the time to get to know who I really am.

People with BPD get the opposite of what they need, they get the opposite of what any human would need in the same situations. Someone who doesn't have BPD who reaches out for help would be acknowledged and encouraged and supported not told they are attention seeking. Someone who doesn't have BPD and attempts suicide would be met with gentle compassion not anger. Someone who doesn't have BPD and tries to be a good person would be perceived as a good person. Someone without BPD who is sensitive to people hating them for no reason would be reassured and it would be genuine reassurance not a cover up for the real feelings of hate that other people feel towards them. People with BPD are in chronic emotional pain and then just have that responded to in ways that give them additional emotional pain. Why are we seen as so different to other people, and not just different but different in a negative way?

I have good professionals treating me but I feel so, so alone at the same time.

Nights are so scary. When I'm in bed there are lots of noises and I have to evaluate what they might be and if it's safer to take action or not to take action. I'm trying to figure out if they are cat noises or not mainly. I know there is one scratchy animal in the loft and that's possibly ok but I need to be alert to any people. I was really scared last night and stood near my bedroom door for a while listening to what was on the landing because something made a noise that seemed human and I was trying to trick it into not knowing I had got out of bed so I could listen closely but it was obvious I had got out of bed. It was even more obvious when I got back into bed. Nothing attacked me anyway. I wouldn't be able to phone for help from my bedroom because whoever was outside would hear me. I feel vulnerable and wished someone was with me last night.

The CPN who had to cancel her appointment with me came to my house on Friday and said she had heard I was in A&E and wanted to see how I was doing which was kind. She asked what happened and other things but I struggled to get my thoughts and words together. She assumed I wasn't saying anything because it would be upsetting to talk about so she didn't give me time to sort out my thoughts. I obviously couldn't talk in detail in the house anyway. She either said to phone duty if I need them or phone and let them know how I'm getting on so I wasn't sure if I was required to phone them or not. I didn't phone them yesterday because I was so anxious.

I found a new way of self harming that I hadn't tried before and did that quite a lot yesterday along with other forms of self harm. I'm so much more triggered than usual and I want to cause myself as much damage as possible. It's hard not to go for night time wanders too, I just feel so distressed and closer to a crisis point.

I was thinking about my assessment at A&E and realised that the nurse didn't really ask me any assessment questions. She asked what had happened and I struggled to get my words together, then she asked what my diagnosis was and then started being really firm and telling me what she was going to do. She never asked about my feelings or safety or anything. It reminds me of times in the past when I've not even been assessed at all despite nurses requesting it, where the mental health nurse just came to the cubicle and said "I am not assessing you, go home and stop wasting our time." I am a waste of time. I need to stop reaching out. I really need to just die. I can't stand this.

Leaving love. Sorry I have no advice.

Thank you.

I am unheard by most people. I went a walk with my CSW. The CPN I saw on Friday had spoken to her and she wanted to know what was happening last week. I told her and she asked if wandering outside to find the entrance to the other world was normal for me/do I do it often. I said no and she said that's ok. Isn't it concerning that things are more difficult right now? She also said that the CPN told her she had come to see me and the CPN thought I was ok. Seriously?! WTF does not ok look like then? The CSW told me to put last week behind me and that this week will be different. We're all allowed to have an off day. I honestly think this has been more than an off day. No one seems to be able to see how difficult things are.

Life is too painful and it can only get worse. I absolutely do not see anything ever getting better and it's completely pointless for me to live other than to allow my brother to avoid losing another family member. He's not doing great. He'll be stuck in the mental health system soon too. I need to end this torture. It doesn't seem to be simple although at the same time it does seem simple. I'm really lucky with the lack of pressure and stress I have in life, how on earth am I going to cope when I'm faced with external pressures? I don't want this. I don't want anything. Just kill me and donate my organs.

But I don't fully exist, I feel so disconnected. What the hell am I?