Don't push yourself to do anything if you don't want to.

It's good that they're calling today, do try to explain to them what's happening. And you said they've been understanding and helpful before so I'm sure they will be this time too.

Do you know what time crisis will be phoning? I hope you can speak to them and they properly listen to you.

I'm trying to make myself call them.

I called them. They helped me dispose of the stuff I burn with and then just told me to distract. Not sure what I was expecting.

Well done for calling and throwing the stuff away. What's the best thing to help you distract and stay safe?

I've cooked and eaten lunch and watched drs. Am sort of thinking about doing some colouring now.

Really panicking about tomorrow. I have to go tk the job centre in the morning and then have a drs appointment tomorrow afternoon to get a sick note. If I don't get one I will be really screwed.

I should go out now to the pharmacy and look for a wedding gift. And work out how to get to the wedding. And call the water people. And I cant do any of it.

So frustrated with myself.

Well done for phoning crisis, I know they often just say the obvious stuff that you'll already have thought of but it sometimes helps to hear it from another person. It sounds like you're trying really hard with distractions, keep it up. Try not to panic so much about the things you need to do, they will get done when you're able. I hope everything goes ok tomorrow, have you seen this GP before?

Crisis can't see me until Friday. And tomorrow is going to be so stressful and I really just argh.

I've only seen 1 gp at that surgery before and she was so bad I made an official complaint.

I hope everything goes ok Lillie, you can do this. Be very kind to yourself after your appointments and phone crisis if things get too much.

How has today been?

I have survived it. Jobcentre lady was really nice as was the gp so I will choose to see her in the future. Still quite panicky but hoping this will pass.

Well done I'm glad people have been helpful. Time to relax?

Trying to.

But I feel like an utter failure and having to claim benefits and getting signed of work and having a large wound to redress just proves I am.

I think the opposite. Trying to claim benefits and seeing people who can help and taking care of your body sounds like the opposite of failing.

I agree with Auror.

Also agree. You're still here, still fighting, managing to do really hard things and tackling difficult decisions and that's not failure in the slighest.

Agreed times three. You're obviously trying so hard. I'm glad your appointments went well, maybe you could have regular support from the GP for a bit if you think it would help.

Need to feel pain. To atone for the evil.

I miss Alice. I miss having someone close who cared and was nice and talked to me.

Just looked at jobs. So sad that I'm not a dental nurse jn training anymore.

I'm sorry you're feeling all this hurt. You can have a good job in the future and close connections, I know it might not seem like it right now and in this moment you don't have everything that you need but it is possible. You don't need any sort of punishment or judgement from yourself, please try and be kind and understanding with yourself.