Wish me luck. Court tomorrow. Should be okay, just very scary. I feel dead. I don't want to feel anymore.

*hugs everyone*

good luck sweetie <3

Good luck sweet <3

Thanks guys, that means so much to me x

good luck, joc. i know you'll be ok :)
*hugs*

Urgh, I am in a crap position right now with a friend.

Oh well.

I really don't feel good. Mentally.

:(

*hugs april* you okay? sorry ur not feeling well.

*walks over to corner and collapses* i quit.

Hugs to Kiera.

I CAN'T F'ING STUDY. My brain won't work and the Voices are talking again....

*cuddles Laura* What's up, sweetie?

I'm home alone right now and I really want to cut & b/p. There's a ton - a TON - of food in the fridge that we made last night and they wouldn't notice if a bit was gone, would they? And there are knives in the kitchen, too, and food in our room (the one that we "borrowed" from our friend's daughter - we're still at his house). AAHHHH!!!! *wants to cry*

Last night was so tough. Vince wanted to know why I looked down and when he guessed that someone did something to me that made me hate myself so much, it all unraveled. Didn't cry but it feels like I have a PTSD hangover right now... hate the memories, hate the thoughts, hate them!!!! I want to die... I am so sick of my life right now. It's so hard to think positive thoughts, so difficult to control the urges, so so difficult!!!! :(

Hugs? support? :'(

*cuddles kiera*

*hugs steel maiden* Sorry you cant study and about the voices.

*hugs april* things sound really hard for you right now :-( I know its hard to control urges but keep fighting them. You are a great person hun. Stay strong.

I'm fine i guess... kinda numb today... Things are just getting harder and harder instead of easier.. and i'm kicking myself, b/c i was just starting to feel like i could figure things out. I can feel a relapse is on the way...

*hugs Kiera*

*hugs Olympia* (Did I get that right ??) - Voices make it so hard to study, try and be easy on yourself. And the feeling that your brain won't work ... I get that alot. Sometimes I read a passage and then have to reread it several times to make sense of it. I find it frustrating. I hope it eases up and that the voices don't get out of control.

*hugs April* I've got to echo Laura here hon. Fight those urges for as long as you can. I believe that you can beat them. I believe in you.

*hugs Laura* I wish I had some words for you Laura, just know that I'm thinking of you and hoping that you can get through this difficult time without having a relapse.

*hugs everyone*

I spent a majority of last night talking to an old high school friend. He reminded me of how much I lost through the ECT. I mean, it saved my life, but I paid an incredibly high price for it. I don't regret having it, I just wish it had left my memories alone. :( Now I feel tired and numb. I just want to disappear for awhile. I really want it all to be over. Can I get off this ride now please??

*curls up in a dark corner with a teddy bear and a pillow and tries to cry herself to sleep*

*cuddles kahlia* aw i'm sorry that the ect messed with your memories, i cant imagine how much that would suck... It would prolly bother me to no end. Don't disappear though. We would miss u.

And thanks for your kind words. I'm trying to keep distracted, but its getting harder. Hopefully things ease up when i go back to my university on monday.

*crying in corner, holding knife not know what else to do, but this.................

Keep talking to us downunder, we are here to support you.

*curls up*

Please let her be ok :'(

JESUS THIS IS SO ****ED UP!!! :(

Sorry but, I don't know what the hell to do anymore. I think I need to join a convent because I am so DONE with relationships. I don't understand. :(

*cuddles tight*

Make it stop Hels? :(

I wish I could. I wish I could make everything bad for me stop too becuase it needs to. I jsut need to die.

*cries*

*gives all in here hugs*

Gah. Just too confused right now as to what I want. i don't know what i want. Just too difficult right now. I wish it would all just go away

Screwed everything up.
Again.

*cuddles everyone*

So sorry you all are struggling... I am too. Ate a HUGE supper (okay, felt huge to me...) and now I really want to purge but can't... :( it sucks. It's been too long anyway... but that doesn't stop me from wanting to.

I hate myself... we worked out tonight & I felt better for a little while but now I feel like crrrrap and I don't know what to do about it. Thankfully I have time to get online now so can vent some but it doesn't help a great deal. :(

*needs hugs*

*hugs*

*hugs vicki, helen, yodabear, and april* I wish I had words for you guys. I'm sorry you are struggling. Hope things get better soon. Keep fighting urges and bad thoughts.

How are you laura?

Fighting some urges right now.. i'm okay at the moment tho. Dealing with 2 crappy situations with friends, but looking forward to going back to school on monday. Then at least the stress of home should lessen.

U feeling any better?

*cuddles tight*

I'm feeling pretty ****. I should be asleep, it's just gone 6am after all :(

*cuddles* o man, 6am... its just after midnight here... hope you get some sleep hun. I hate when i don't sleep.

I think I'm numb :/
Anyway going to try sleep. :(

*gives some blankets for sleeping*
hope u fall asleep and feel better, or at least less numb, when u wake up

I fell asleep eventually. Feeling really ill today :(

Urges Urges Urges
Anxiety Anxiety Anxiety
Bolk Bolk Bolk
=[

kind of a quiet day in the ward... hope everyone is alright

helen - glad you got to sleep.. so sorry that you feel sick now. Maybe if u are able to sleep more u will feel better. Hope that you got more sleep tonight.

*hugs lovewilltearusapart* you ok? keep fighting those urges.

Packing for tomorrow.. back to my apartment :-)

Slept much better last night, well more this morning. Writing an email must have really helped and an immense amount of crying too :S Can we fast forward to when this stuipd **** goes away please? Even if it is pretty much all my fault :(

im ok, just sat holding and contemplating, just wondering why that this "thing" is so alluring, why this object takes up so much energy and life out of me. Have really struggled this last week, failed miserably so many times, need help, but not know where to go. *continues to cry in corner*

I hope you're all looking after the ward (and each other !!)

Who's still around from the old lot (AKA. When I was always in here)? I miss you all!!

Love love love love love xxxxx

I'm still here Arwen *jumps on you and gives you a huge hug* Come hid in the denial tent with me?? :)

*cuddles for everyone else*

:):) Hiiii Helen! *Massive hugs* I'll gladly hide in the denial tent with you...Denial is what I do best at the mo! I've got cookies and cocoa to keep us warm :D xxxxxx

Sounds lovely *massive hugs and chomps on a cookie*
Denial is fantastic when things are hard, even if it does make it worse in a way.
*curls up and cries*

*Offers tissues*
I'm worried I might be a bit too deep in denial. But sometimes it can help...If only for a short while.
What's the matter sweetness?
xxx

*takes tissues*
Thank you.
If you think you're too deep in denial, could you maybe try open up, even just a little bit?
So much is wrong, I just want it to stop and go away.
Or least to calm down to a tolerable level.

I should open up...But not just now. I don't think I'm ready.
If you can't make the bad things stop or go away, why don't you stop for a while and just do nice things for yourself? Just do whatever you find relaxing...that might help you calm down a bit. And then hopefully things wont seem so hard.
*More hugs* xxx

Well I definately say to do it when you're ready, hopefully that'll be soon. I know I should stop and try take care of me, but I can't. People need me. Aha :( Plus mum's is making me do chores etc whilst I have no job >_> Everything's so hard right now. Trying to look after me though. Really I am.

Arwen: *jumps up from the dark corner and gives you a big hug* Welcome back.

Helen: *hugs you tightly* Wish I had some words to offer you. I hope you got some more sleep/are getting some more sleep.

*hugs everyone*

I would really like to get off this world for a bit. I don't really care where to, I just want out. I gave my knife to my housemate the other day to hide it for me because I knew I was close to using it .... I fell asleep with it in my hand and have a couple of scratches close to my eye, at which point I realised things were going too far ... Now I want the knife back ... *sigh* Can it all end now please ??

fu*ksake why when thing are going right, it all falls apart. i give up, *curls up in corner and crys.*

**** :/

Well, I'm home now, on my familiar computer, so I can do what I want to do when I want to do it. The drive home was a nightmare, as we ran into a snowstorm halfway home and were pretty much in it for about 150-200 miles. >_< I'm sat here with my cat on my lap... he missed us so much and I missed him!! He's so cute... *wonders if anyone else wants kitty snuggles?*

Sorry to hear you all aren't doing too well... things with me are really quite UP and DOWN and UP and DOWN and DOWN and DOWN and UP... you get the picture. It's very unpleasant. :(

*cuddles everyone*

*cuddles everyoen*

*cuddles everyone*

*clings to Kahlia*