Yay, I managed to get my writing done and now I need to summon the energy to read more Wuthering Heights before my English teacher kills me.

Lindsey, you could give the clubs a try. You don't have to keep going if you don't want to, or find it too hard. *Hugs* And you're not an idiot btw. I'm a disaster even at walking, I would do no better.

You're not a disaster Lia *Hugs*

Lol, trust me, I am. I once managed to almost set fire to the school kichens, grill my cakes, stack it over thin air, write about the wrong thing in my actualy GCSE, use the wrong person to answer my essay question in theatre studies, get the social context of a play in my theatre power point wrong by a century, write '****' in my English essay instead of 'shut', fall into a guy's lap who was in a wheelchair... the list goes on. Trust me when I tell you I should come with a safety hazard warning.

isnt my sig pretty? ^.^
i love flowers peeking outta snow hehe

and err... yus i do have a sig-changing prollem :P

*hugs ward*
I'm sorry, no individuals... I can't concentrate enough to read the 3-4ish pages since I last posted.

I'm trying to do work. Trying. But for Lit Theory, I have to analyze one of my old, graded papers, and I'm staring at this paper and all the red pen marks and the horrible comments. I am a crap English major. Seriously.

*Hugs Felicia*

*Hugs Heather*

I'm sick, sick, sick, of life. Yes, it's probably just because it's the evening again and I am running out of things to do. I should really phone the voluntary crisis team before I do something stupid. I did phone last night but they were out on a visit so I hung up because I didn't want them to call me back about an hour later, I couldn't stay sane that long, and I just went to my bed. I don't know what to do. I need to get washed but i'm not going to because I can't be bothered. I hate me.

When I was talking to my OT today we discussed how I feel like I need someone to take care of me and how, at the age of 23 (almost 24), I should be taking care of myself. She said that the only way i'll be taken care of is if I find myself a nice husband. How am I supposed to do that when I can hardly interact with people? I hate me times two. Times a million. :(

*Huge Hugs Lindsay* Please phone the crisis team Hun , they're there to help you and they might not be out on a call tonight .

*hugs everyone who wants/can accept*
felicia- you're not a horrible english major <3

*hugs everyone thats been in since i left earlier.*

*Hugs Nicole* How are you feeling now?

*Spots and Hugs Crimson* How are you today ?

*hugs mark* I'm.....I dunno. Wanting to purge again. :( Yeah. I am stupid. I know. I also want to binge. eugh. you?

I'm feeling .... well, low and numb to be honest , I'm sorry you are wanting to do those things :( *Hugs Nicole Tons*

*hugs mark tight* I just want christmas to be over now. The thought of all the food at christmas is scaring me, and my suicide plan was for christmas eve....i dunno how I'm gonna get through that....
Sorry you're feeling low and numb. Is there anything you can do to help you feel better?

*Hugs Nicole and Mark* It's us three again guys. I'm sorry both of you are feeling that way. I feel sick, but other than that, OK.

Nicole, you know how easily something can become a habit, please try and resist this urge. I would hate for you to become addicted.

Is there anything that's making you feel this way Mark?

*Hugs Nicole*
My Suicide plan was the 9th of November so I know that feeling :S . You can always come on here on Christmas Eve , we will help you through . I found you guys all so understanding and helpful . Please get in touch with You Psych Dr / Therapist / Counsellor , whomever to work out a plan if you can ? Just so there would be someone there for you IRL on the 24th

*Hugs Lia* I don't know why I'm low , touch of depression this evening I think , it's chemical ....and chronic *Sigh* Being on Lithium makes me Numb I'm 90% at least sure of it , But I guess it beats full on Suicidal Depression , I woulld settle for being ....well happy would be nice .
The Song "Lithium" By Evanescence has the line " Don't wanna forget what it's like without Lithium " and I relate , It's cosumming. It makes you NUMB and you forget happieness :(

*hugs mark and lia*
lia-I'm trying really hard. Fortunatey i can't purge now because everyone would hear it. I'm trying hard not to become addicted, but i feel like already i am starting to need it...I think i started something :( Do you know why you feel sick lia? :/
mark-thanks. I think i will be using the ward a lot over christmas, and i am seeing Julie (my therapist) on tuesday, so i will talk to her about it then.

Can you talk to your therapist about this too Nicole? I would really hate for you to become addicted and have an ED on top of everything else. I'm glad you can't do it now, but do you think you would be able to resist if you wouldn't be heard? That's what worries me, that people hearing is the only thing stopping you.

Mark, do you ever have happy moods? I don't mean that in an accusing way, I am just curious. It would be nice if you did, I would hate to think that you are always unhappy. I am happy sometimes, I have good moods and good times, it's just a matter of whether they out weight the bad.

Lia, I rarely am happy , sometimes I'm "not unhappy" But I mean the Lithium is doing the whole anti-suicidal job (Touch wood) But it just causes such Numbness/apathy *Sigh*

EDIT:-Lol I actually went and touched wood :P

*hugs lia* I know........and you're right, i would be doing it if there wasnt anyone else round :( and i don't know wether i could tell Julie.....i mean, she gets annoyed when i self harm, i don't think i could take another thing to make her dissapointed :(

Nicole , you know your counsellor best but I think it's important you talk to someone hun *Is concerned for you*

That's what she's there for Nicole, you don't have to feel as if you're disappointing her. She's probably just worried about you as we are. I just don't want this to get out of hand and become something uncontroable.

I'm sorry to hear that Mark, I wish you could be happier :/ I hate it that so many in here suffer every day, it makes me feel quite lucky though because I am happy some of the time and I have wonderful friends (apart from when they're all turning around and calling me a bitch, but in fairness, I started it, I just wasn't expecting them to agree with me). And lol at you actually touching wood :)

Lia ! Look at your avatar! Lol :P

*hugs mark and lia*
Julies actually a bit of a bitch. I'm better off not telling her.
I love you guys. I think we should just all buy a house and live together :P
On another note-has anyone heard how April is latley?

I caught April breifly a few days ago Nicole on FB , she has a new job so has less time to come in here , A few weeks back I got her on FB and suggested she pop in but I'm not sure if she did, She may not have had the time but from her Livejournal I think she still has issues but is getting on okay at her new job as a peer counsellor , I bet she is great as a peer counsellor , she was always good with me , listening and talking :) Thats all I know though , I do wish she would stick her head into the ward sometimes too , I miss her :S

Thanks mark :) i know she has been busy, i was just wondering if she was ok. Can you let her know I am thinking of her and miss her please?

I'll post a message to her on FB now Nicole :)

Right I'm bushed
*Night Night Ward mates all but especially Lia and Nicole for being about with me today*

Thanks mark :) *night time hugs mark*

Night night Mark, *HUgs* I miss her too, I dropped her a PM, but I don't think she's read it yet. And I know right, isn't it great?! (my avatar that is).

Hmm...well is there anyone else you can tell Nicole? Anyone nice?

I don't know lia......maybe my tutor? I will think about it over the weekend.......

I'm such a hard faced bitch.

You are not, Lia. I love you *hugs*

*Spots Ian* *Hugs*

I'm... not well, at all. This sucks. I'm sick of dealing with voices, and panic, and SI. I want so badly to be well, but I'm afraid of people leaving me once I am well. Make sense?

Hey everyone *hugs for all* how you all doing? Sorry your not good Kitty.

Yeah Felcia, it does. No one will leave you, we'll still be here, either if you want to support others, if you ever need help again yourself, or if you just fancy a chat. Friends don't desert each other. Ever. And we're just basically one messed up, dysfunctional, diverse, geogrpahically challenged friendship group.

Thanks :) It's just I had a fight with my friend and she played the guilt card and instead of backing down and reassuring her I basically just told her where to go. I really can be a cow in arguments because that's when I go into total 'I'm not going to let you hurt me' mode. It's not what I say, more my tone and refusal to show I care at all which tends to lead people to think I don't care about the friendship. Oh, and I love you too :)

*Hugs Ian* Other than that, which I am actually loling over now, I'm alright. You?

*Hugs Lia* I'm ok thanks. Thanks for the hugs :)

*Hugs Felicia*

*Hugs Nicole*

*Hugs Mark*

*hugs wardies*

I spoke to April the other day, she said she was going to pop in. I just know she's busy busy busy!!

*Hugs Helen* How are you?

*Spots and hugs Crimson* You alright?

Heya Helen :) *Hugs Helen* You ok Helen?

Lol, overuse of Helen's name there Ian :)

*Hugs Helen*

*Hugs Nicole*

*Hugs Lia*

*Hugs Felicia*

*Hugs Ian*

*hugs everyone*

I phoned the voluntary crisis team last night but as soon as someone answered they seemed to want to hang up as quickly as possible. They just told me to go and do a jigsaw which wasn't very helpful. I don't know who to turn to for help.

Oh Lindsay *Hugs* I guess they were just trying to get you to focus on something else but a jigsaw sounds pretty ridiculous when you feel like you do. Could you call someone in your support team? Social Worker , professional Crisis team , Therapist ? Etc . I'l always listen if you just want to talk on here it's fine too :)

Lia & Ian - sorry I never replied, fell asleep after posting lol. I'm ill and absolutely exhausted, I ache everywhere >.<

*hugs everyone*

*Hugs Helen* are you okay? other than your aches I mean .

Yeah, just feel so ill and yuck.

Awh I'm sorry Helen :( *Hugs*

*hugs everyone*