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-   -   Virtual Psych ward! (https://www.recoveryourlife.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1312)

Doikers 06-11-2010 07:20 PM

*Hugs Lindsay*Hows you?

*Hugs Helen*How are you too?

*Hugs Nicole*

Thanks guys :)

nicole94 06-11-2010 07:46 PM

*hugs mark and lindsay*

one_step_closer 06-11-2010 08:01 PM

I just want to overdose. *cries*

nicole94 06-11-2010 08:19 PM

*hugs lindsay* i wish i could give you some more support, but i just had exactly the same urge. i dont wanna wait till the 24th. i wanna do it now! :Emoticon(14):

Doikers 06-11-2010 08:35 PM

*Hugs Lindsay* Please try and stay safe hun :S

*Hugs Nicole* You please be safe as well Nicole :S

I'm worried about my wardies tonight :S

Louise 06-11-2010 08:38 PM


Doikers 06-11-2010 08:57 PM

*Hugs Louise* Whats happening hun?

Louise 06-11-2010 09:02 PM

had a really hard day, get shouted at etc. how are you

Doikers 06-11-2010 09:42 PM

*Hugs Louise , I'm sorry you've been shouted at :(

I'm worried about my birthday and worried about my grandma.sorry to moan on:(

nicole94 06-11-2010 09:54 PM


Doikers 06-11-2010 10:00 PM

*wishes ward mates goodnight*

Doikers 06-11-2010 10:01 PM

*Late night squish for Nicole*:P

MammaMia 06-11-2010 10:26 PM

*cuddles ward*

So over being low although am feeling better than I have been :S

nicole94 06-11-2010 10:35 PM

i dont want to try anymore.
i dont want to get better.
but i dont want to die.
not really.
i want to hurt myself.
and keep hurting myself.
and ever..
and ever..

why do i do this to myself? :'(

Louise 06-11-2010 10:40 PM

Helen - I'm glad that you are feeling a wee bit better *hugs*

Nicole - I'm sorry that your feeling this, why do you not want to get better?

MammaMia 06-11-2010 10:42 PM

Louise - thank you *hugs*

Nicole - Why do you feel right now that you don't want to get better? Is it the fear of what will happen?? *hugs tightly*

nicole94 06-11-2010 10:51 PM

*hugs louise and helen* i dont know :'( it's just so safe here in my own little world. just me and my self harm, what will i do without it?! and also, what if i get better....and then... and then my therapist discharges me from DBT..and i have no support and i would be alone. i can't be alone, i need the support, self harm brings me help. i NEED it....

Louise 06-11-2010 10:57 PM

It is a scary feeling wondering what it is like without self harm when it comes the way of coping with things.

Kahlia1981 06-11-2010 11:00 PM

*huggles all*

I feel like I'm caught between a rock and a hard place ...

Perhaps I should explain the current situation. I'll chuck the majority behind a hide because it talks about my suicidal ideation and the way I've let myself become such a menace to myself and practically destroyed every chance I have of keeping the peace in my household.

The following content has been hidden - Reason : Talks of suicide
Logically I know that I should tell my housemate that I have all the stuff in the house for my suicide plan. I've lied to him twice in the last two days - telling him that I don't have what I need. I know that he can't help me if he doesn't know, but I'm scared he'll call an ambulance and send me to hospital. He's already said that if he calls an ambulance and I won't go with them he'll force them to take me by putting me under an EEO (Emergency Evaluation Order). The good point about that is that I'll get "priority" treatment - i.e. be seen quicker than without it, have to be seen within 6 hours, and have to be seen by a psych registrar instead of a regular psych nurse/Intake and Assessment team nurse. The other good point is that if they don't admit me they have to arrange for me to get home including providing Taxi Vouchers or whatever. The bad points are that I will be forced to attend the hospital which will further increase my anxiety and there is a chance, however slim, that I will be admitted.

I really don't know what to do. I don't want to go to the hospital because if they do admit me my life will be in danger because of the incompetence of the nursing staff and the on-staff psychiatrists and psych registrars. However; my life is in danger now because of me and whatever the hell is going on in my brain.
I'm scared ... I really am, in fact I'm downright terrified. I also don't want my housemate to get angry at me because I lied to him. I know that he will understand my motives for doing it, but I'm so highly strung right now that it might push me further over the edge and ... I just don't know.

I'm sorry. You guys deserve better than this. I'm just so sorry. :crying:

I feel like such a bad person, a bad wardie and such a failure. I hope that you can forgive me, although it's more than I deserve.

MammaMia 06-11-2010 11:02 PM

Nicole, I know what it feels like to wonder how you'd cope without self harm. Especially when times are tough. God these last 8 months have been absolute hell at times and I've wanted to cut so badly. Hell I feel like that right now. However I just try to talk to people I trust more and find better ways of coping. It is so scary, I know. But you can do it sweetheart. You've had periods of times without it. Yes, it is easier when things aren't bad, but recovery is full of challenges. Hopefully they wouldn't discharge you unless they felt you were completely able to cope without their support and you could always go back if things were to go downhill massively again I'm sure. I know it's so scary, the unknown IS scary. But you just have to give it a go sometimes and see what happens. I'm probably talking **** now but hopefully this will help somehow. *hugs*

MammaMia 06-11-2010 11:05 PM

Oh Kahlia :( I can see how you feel stuck between a rock and a hard place. Could you not tell your psych and have them help you at home instead?? Please please please talk to your house mate. Chances are he'll know you've lied already. There's nothing to forgive sweetie. We all lie when we're suicidal and want our plans to be carried out. God knows I've lied to my family and best friends about it at times. Yes they may be angry with me to start with but they'd rather I told the truth & helped me instead of me coming to serious harm. *cuddles so tight* Please consider what I've said at least? You're not a bad wardie.. I promise xx

nicole94 06-11-2010 11:09 PM

*hugs helen and louise* i know. i know i should be trying harder, i should want to recover, but i just cant seem to feel it. self harm is all i've had for 4 years, it's been there for me whenever i needed it, it's like my best friend. how can something so evil feel so good? how has it managed to keep me alive, whilst slowly destroying my life? i love it, but i hate it, and i can't live without it.

MammaMia 06-11-2010 11:17 PM

Don't force recovery onto yourself Nicole. The feeling of wanting to recover for good. I've self harmed on/off since I was 12/13 and I'm 20 now. It's taken me til this year to REALLY want to give up. Although there's times I still wish I wasn't so I could be cutting myself to cope. Also it's understandable to not to want to recover when you've spent so long using it as a coping method and feels like your only friend. But it's not really a friend to you. You CAN live without it Nicole. You just feel that you can;t. *cuddles*

nicole94 06-11-2010 11:23 PM

*cuddles helen* i suppose. i know i need to slow down with my recovery, because even though i'm not self harming so much its not really recovery when i'm planning suicide instead is it? but i dont know how to tell my therapist that she is pushing me too hard :(

MammaMia 06-11-2010 11:26 PM

Could you write it down that you're struggling with her pushing you so hard? I'm sure she's doing it for your own good. Planning suicide isn't good but you can still be in recovery with self harm whilst doing that. Just as long as the plan isn't carried out. Please don't carry it out Nicole *hugs tight*

nicole94 06-11-2010 11:33 PM

*hugs helen* i dont know... i was thinking of speaking to shani about it (she is my care co-ordinater) but i dont really know yet. And i'm trying so hard not to carry it out helen, because i dont want to, i know i dont, i want to live, but suicide just feels like the only way out of this mess now. i've changed the date though, from 24th december to 18th january, so that hopefully it will give me more time to feel better, i was very aware that it was getting closer to christmas and i wasnt feeling any better, so i moved the date. but i dont think i can move it again though :(

MammaMia 07-11-2010 12:13 AM

Honey, suicide is NOT the only way out of this mess. It's the worst way to end this mess. You need to stay strong because all the bad stuff WILL end & you will eventually recover. You just need to have faith and patience. I know it's hard. I know you want to live, you've said you don't want to do it. Would you rather give the chance for the pain to go away or pass the pain to everyone else who will never stop feeling it? People you don't believe would be affected, will be. *hugs tight* Sorry I know it may sound like I don't believe you or that I'm against you/having a go, I'm not. I just want to help *cuddles tight*

nicole94 07-11-2010 12:19 AM

*cuddles helen* i know all this stuff, i know you arent having a go at me, i am being stupid and selfish and i know that. but sometimes its just easier to give up. i am trying, i am working hard to make sure i sort this mess. but well, i need the plan, just in case. if it doesnt stop, if there is no hope, then i still have a back-up plan, because i cant stay hurting like this forever, it has to stop, one way or another :(

MammaMia 07-11-2010 12:22 AM

*hugs Nicole tight* I'm glad you know that. But you are NOT being stupid or selfish. I'm glad you've been honest & told us about your plan. Although I had seen it in your rant thread already. I know it sometimes feels easier to give up, but it won't make things any better. It won't make them go away. Trying is all ANYONE can ask of you. I know sometimes just having a plan makes it easier but just don't act upon it. The hurting won't last forever Nicole. I promise. I know how it feels. I sometimes feel like the pain will never ever end but it always does. Just some pain take longer than others. It's true what they say about time being a great healer. As much as I hate that phrase, it's the truth..

nicole94 07-11-2010 12:32 AM

*hugs helen tight*i know that you had seen it in my R/V thread, i was trying to tell you guys how much i was struggling but i just couldnt get it out because everyone else was struggling so much i didnt wanna put all my problems on you aswell, so i put it in there in the hope that someone might read it, that way it was up to them if they wanted to say anything, i noticed you posted in here a couple of days back telling me not to do it. i didnt feel like i could reply, but it really helped me knowing you cared enough to read it and comment on here <3

MammaMia 07-11-2010 12:46 AM

*hugs Nicole tight* I'm sorry you were struggling to tell, sometimes it can be hard. Particularly if everyone else is struggling too. But you can ALWAYS post about any problems in here, no matter how much people might be struggling. There's always usually someone who will post a reply, even if it's just a hug. You wouldn't have been putting your problems on us. We all care. I'm glad you saw my reply & that it really helped *cuddles tight*

nicole94 07-11-2010 12:56 AM

*cuddles tight* helen, i love you, y'know that? (not in a creepy way or anything) thank you so much, god knows what i would've done tonight if you hadn't been here, thankyou so much <3 it means a lot it really does, and i havent even asked you how you are. are you ok?

MammaMia 07-11-2010 01:05 AM

*cuddles tight some more* I love you too Nicole :) I know you didn't mean it in a creepy way :D You're very welcome. I'm glad I've helped you. I'm always here for you sweetheart.

Me? I'm low but I'm getting better. I feel really powerful right now. I feel like I really am moving on from my ex best friend. I knew I didn't need her and all that crap straight from the start of finding out about her lies/coming to terms with it. But obviously I've been filled with a lot of emotions & was beginning to feel trapped. Right now I just feel so good? Feel like I'm moving on.

nicole94 07-11-2010 01:10 AM

*carrys on cuddling tight*<<at this rate we will be glued together!
i'm glad you're feeling like you're moving on, its a nice feeling to know that you are making positive changes, you feel in control, i mean, lets face it, things like SI might make you feel in control, but you're not, but you are being amazing! and i admire you, you're so strong! well done for managing to move on. sometimes friendships arent as good as they appear to be, but you've just gotta do what you're doing and get rid of them.
(sorry if i am rambling here, starting to get a bit sleepy lol.)

MammaMia 07-11-2010 01:19 AM

*carries on cuddling tight* Glued together sounds like fun haha. I am making so many positive changes Nicole. That has been my one goal all year to make changes & that's what I have been doing :D As you already know I haven't cut in over 8 months & haven't overdosed or attempted suicide in over 14 :D I don't let people **** me over anymore. Granted I don't always realise but once I do, they soon know about it!!! SI can make you feel in control but technically you're not. I've always said, even though it is an unhealthy coping method, least you're attempting to cope. To be honest I don't feel like I'm being amazing but thank you Nicole :) Thanks for the admiration too. I don't feel like I'm that strong but I suposse I am, not that I want to play my own violin or anything...but I've gone through so much in the last few years and at times, I thought I was going to ****ing die. But somehow my strength and friends (and myself?) have got me to here :) You're certainly right about how sometimes friendships aren't as good as they appear to be. But the best thing usually is to get rid of it.

Sleepiness is good. My sleeping patterns are all over the place. I got really good and then kept it most of the time whilst I was at my bestie's but going away to Lanzrote and since I've come back has ****ed it up. Hoping it'll settle down. Plus I'm due to start placement on Thursday (whether or not it happens is another matter) so that'll hopefully help.

nicole94 07-11-2010 01:27 AM

*still cuddles tight* you are DEFINATLEY amazing helen, and i'm so proud of you for how many positive changes you have made! and yes, you have got you to here, you're friends havent, they may have supported you, but lets face it, if you werent trying there is really nothing they could've done to help! just gonna butt in here and point out my little acheivment, i havent OD'd/made a suicide attempt in 8 months :D its not as good as yours, but thought it was worth mentioning :P
and yes, sleepiness is good, my sleeping pattern is also allover the place :/ i'm sleepy, but not tired (if that makes sense?) i wouldnt be able to fall asleep for a while yet :(

MammaMia 07-11-2010 01:34 AM

*still cuddling tight* Thank you Nicole. My best friend keeps telling me I'm amazing lol. Most days I accept it, but sometimes I really don't. Thank you for being proud, means a lot. I suppose you're right, I have got myself to here. They sure have supported me. Particularly my best friend. I couldn't have done it without her. I'd be dead to be quite honest. I know I've done it all myself, but not without her continuing faith & support in me. YAY for your achievement. That has made my day. Really really proud of you Nicole. It IS good though. It may not be as long as mine but you can reach it too. It does make sense & that really sucks. I get like that. I hope you do fall asleep soon though :(

nicole94 07-11-2010 01:41 AM

*still still cuddling tight*<<siamese twins lol.
:D thanks for being proud of me, although its not much of an acheivment when you look at yours, but i will get there! friends are amazing, only true friends would support us through all this crap! and i know what you mean about not being able to accept that you are amazing, at my CPA on thursday they were all saying how well i was doing and i was just sat there squirming because it was so hard to accept that i've done well :/

MammaMia 07-11-2010 01:47 AM

*cuddles tight some more*

It IS much of an achievement. You've gone 8 months without doing that despite all the **** that's been thrown at you during those months. You will get there sweetheart. Keep it up :) Friends can be so amazing I agree :D But I have to agree that only true friends would support us through all the crap. Awww I'm glad they are recognising how well you're doing even though you find it hard to accept that for yourself. Hopefully in time you can too :) *squishes*

nicole94 07-11-2010 01:55 AM

*is still cuddling helen tight* thankyou hun :D
yeah, i love my friends! i have been so lucky in the fact that i went to college and made new friends and they just accepted my self harm, just like that, they are pretty amazing. i mean i know they struggle with knowing that i hurt myself, but they support me and are there for me, and i love them for that. <3 i also love you wardies though, can't forget you lot, you've all helped me so much! i suppose i am really lucky. no matter how much i moan about my life :/

MammaMia 07-11-2010 02:01 AM

*still cuddling tight*

You're very welcome honey. I'm glad you love your friends & that your college friends have accepted your self harm. Some people will struggle knowing you hurt yourself but it's only because they care about you :) I'm happy they support you and are there for you though. Us wardies love you too :D We're always here to help you sweetheart. We are very lucky despite all our issues, yes we have tough **** thrown at us, but least we have homes/education/clean water/food etc??

The girls in my college course are lovely. They all seem to say hello to me and each other which I find sweet, not to mention the fact it's polite. There's two that have been really supportive to me and it means so much. One of them knows I've self harmed in the past so about the cutting, overdosing & suicide attempts and still seems to like me :) Granted she doesn't know everything about me. But what she does know hasn't seemed to freak her out. Heh. I don't intend on telling the whole class about all that and my past. That's something I'd prefer to keep to myself. I suspect those two girls may find more stuff out, but we shall see :)

nicole94 07-11-2010 02:08 AM

*still cuddles tight*
i'm glad everyone in your course is so nice too! and i'm glad those 2 girls have been supportive and not said anything to anyone else! and its up to you wether you want to tell them or not! i am telling my friends about my past because well...i still have really low days, and i dont wanna freak them out when i'm like that, so its easier if they just know, as for everyone else on my course...i suppose they will know about my SI at somepoint, because unless i have fresh cuts i dont intend on constantly covering my arm, especially in the summer, but they wont know the details.

MammaMia 07-11-2010 02:16 AM

*cuddles tightly some more*

I'm glad they've been supportive and not told other people. I really believe they're not the type. I was worried about how we would all interact. God this will could sound racist and I really don't mean it too. But me & one girl are white and the rest are mostly Muslims if not all. I could be mistaken on that. But we all mix really well. Good for you choosing to tell them. I'm glad they've been great about it. If you feel comfortable in doing so, you shouldn't cover up scars, particularly in the summer. I've had my scars on show a few times and nobody's uttered a word about it :) The friend I told about it had assumed it was that but didn't want to say anything about it. Sorry I keep rambling don't I? :P

nicole94 07-11-2010 02:25 AM

*is still cuddling tightly*
lol helen, no that doesnt sound racist. although everyone on my course is white apart from one boy who is half caste. glad you all mix really well though, its the same on my course, i was expecting it to be like school with the bullys and stuff but its SO not, i mean we have our seperate social groups and stuff, but everyone gets along and socialises. and we even get along with the teachers, like the other day our tutor was telling us about the strip show her and 2 other teachers from our department went to during the half term (random conversation for a childcare lesson i know :/) but like at school the teachers wouldve never talked about that, college is such a different atmosphere to school, i feel safe there :D
and if anyones rambling here its me XD i dont even have any idea what i'm going on about so if you can then its a miricale!

MammaMia 07-11-2010 02:37 AM

I'm really glad it doesn't sound racist. Obviously I have mixed with people from different cultures before, particularly when I was at sixth form college. However it was more of a balance really. Rather than just two white people in the class. Glad it's the same for both of our classes :) We seem to all have our small social groups but we all get on with one another aswell. Again, everyone gets on with our class tutors. Some of the girls did Level 2 so they already know them and some of the girls in there :) You do find teachers, particularly at college anyway are more open at college. I think it's because there's safeguarding issues and lessons are more 'relaxed'. Does that make sense? Like you said college is a different atmosphere. I loved it at sixth form :( Would love to go back but I love the college I'm at lol. Even if it does stress me out badly sometimes. God that makes me feel old, god knows why. I think I'm in a random mood, well it is nearly 3am after all lol. I'm glad you feel safe at college. I suposse I do to an extent because I found it's the first time education can COMPLETELY distract me all day from ****. So even when I'm low & don't really want to go anywhere, I still manage to so far :) Another improvement/change I've made lol. I think we're both rambling to an extent. But it's good to have conversations that aren't about our issues or have them included but other stuff, like happier stuff. I know what you're on about...? LOL xx

nicole94 07-11-2010 02:45 AM

lol helen, y'know i really feel sorry for anyone tomorrow who tries to catch up on everything and has to read through all our ramblings XD we seem to have taken over the ward!
but yeah, college is amazing, and the tutors are so supportive aswell. i suppose thats a positive change that i've made too :D and yeah, a lot of the people on my course did step 6 last year, so they already knew all the tutors, in fact, im the youngest in my friend group :/

MammaMia 07-11-2010 02:53 AM

I was just thinking that myself Nicole lol. Let's hope it's not too boring for them ;) Least it makes the ward look busier though. It keeps going dead in here. But if you go back to this time last year it kept going dead. I reckon it's do with half term, school/college/uni/work keeping people busy and then it's Christmas & New Year. Maybe I'm wrong. God I'm rambling & going off on a tangent.

I'm really happy your college tutors are supportive too. Mine have been, particularly when I've cried on two separate occasions in classes. Both times I got taken out of class for 5 minutes & given tissues lol. Even got told to have water once. Yay for positive changes for both of us (and the rest of the ward of course) Awww that's cute. I'm either the 2nd or 3rd oldest in my class. Bit odd lol. Going to be 21 next March =/ However I'm the baby of my parents children. Well they had 6 children before meeting & having me :P But I consider my Mum's children my real brother & sisters. They've ALWAYS been here for me & everything. Pfft to the other sister & brother of mine who act like I don't even ****ing exist. I've tried inviting them back into my life but they couldn't care less >_>

nicole94 07-11-2010 03:00 AM

lol aaw. and i wasnt here this time last year! i only joined RYL febuary/march this year lol. but it's nice to have some positive posts in the ward for once, away from all the negative stuff.
and i'm glad your tutors are being supportive too, i know what its like, at college on friday i was really struggling and we were supposed to be doing independant study in the library but had a time to go back to class, and i was nearly crying i was so stressed, so i went to see the student support worker christine and we had a long chat and then she printed off some information for me to do with the work i was supposed to of been doing and took me back to my tutor and explained that i had been really upset so couldnt do the work, and my tutor had a chat with me about what had triggerd it and asked me if i wanted to go back into the lesson or not.

MammaMia 07-11-2010 03:03 AM

Aww. I wasn't posting much this time last year due to various things heh >_< Cute that you've been here less than a year. I've been here 3 years + now :| The ironic thing is, it was just when everything started falling apart even more. Oh dear >.> Things are better these days. Yeah there's still really **** times but as I've already said, I'm in a different place now. I agree it's nice to have positive posts, particularly when there has been 'negative' ones. Feel mean for calling them that :S People can't help being low etc.

I'm glad that person was so supportive when you were stressed out on Friday. Sorry this is a short reply, am getting tired now lol. Plus I keep going off the point. I can't think of the correct phrase lol.

TheDreamingTree 07-11-2010 03:10 AM

I guess this is a lost post, I don't know whether/where to create a thread for it, but I guess I just need to tell someone, y'know?

So, basically, over the last week I have had 3 separate suggestions from people that maybe I should get checked out for bipolar. My aunt, who's a clinical psychologist, suggested it yesterday and I supposed it set me off to find out if I am or not. I did a bipolar self-test through The Black Dog Institute website (a well-regarded Aussie mental health org.) and came out with a score of 35 - 22 being the suggested score to think about talking to a professional.
I spoke about it with my mum this morning, and she had apparently read up on it when this all began (I was around 14; so about 9 years ago now) and thought that I might have been. However, our public mental health service REFUSED to test me for it, and just diagnosed me with BPD.
Now, over the last couple of months, I have become more aware of the differences between my moods, and having researched the ever-loving crap out of bipolar over the last 24hrs, I'm pretty sure I am - and have been for quite some time. I'm going to make an appointment to see my GP this week, as soon as I get paid, and sort this out once and for all. If it turns out that I am bipolar, it would explain a hell of a lot - for example, I think I would now say that my recent tattoo was a result of a manic episode...
I guess I'm scared, and confused, and kind of angry that this could have been undiagnosed for years - even with my parents requesting that I be tested for more than just BPD. Has anyone else been in this situation? How did you handle it; and what do you wish you'd done differently.

I'm really glad that I married the person I did, now - his stepmum has bipolar disorder I; so he knows how to support me, and look after his own emotions at the same time.
Arghhhh, now the pleasure of waiting a week for a formal diagnosis :(

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