Today at uni I started to freak out a bit from stress and I haven't been able to deal with physical contact today. Told everyone I've been around that I don't want touching (e-hugs are cool though) and everyones been okay with it, even strangers on the bus

Went asda with my fiance to try to calm down, managed to walk around with him holding me until I paniced because I forgot what was on my list and I froze and he tried to pull me along and I completely freaked, now he's mad at me and I feel awful and I just want to give up on people

*curls up under her duvet and cries* I just want it over.

I'm still feeling really low. But have calmed down a little and improved. Going to bed shortly. So emotionally & physically worn out right now. Hoping college will help me cope with everything =/

cuddles all.
lia: i would never say that to you, and yes helen is bang on, i do need to see someone. the thing is i allready did a while back, and everytime i went in to see him, i would leave worse off. also i told him i wanted to kill myself,okay i didnt say how i would do it. he just did a 4 weeks with me and just said i have taken you as far a i can. problem was i still felt the same way. so im a little reluclent(sp) to go back as it didnt do an good the first time round.

*Hugs everyone* I'll be back with more advice tomorrow, but I am currently too tired to make sense. Want you all to know i'm thinking of you though, and someone cares about you :)

*Hugs Nicole* You are inspiring because you went 8 days without harming and you didn't take a tool with you yesterday . Thats inspiring to me :)

*Hugs Lia*

*Hugs Crimson*

*Hugs Sarah*

*Hugs Kat*

*Hugs Jill*

*Hugs Helen*

Ugh , I really struggled to get out of bed late again , I wake up more tired than when I went to bed recently, Depression eh?

****sake this afternoon is going to suck. Argh

*hugs Mark*
*hugs Jill*
I'm so tired. And I'm not going to creative writing so I can catch up on my other work.... whooo... I just have to make it to Saturday.

I'm feeling bit better today. Cried in college and had to get taken out of class but I'm hanging in there. Have cheered up bit more, just trying to cling onto it!

*hugs ward*

*hugs everyone*

*hugs Lindsay* How you doing?

*hugs everyone* the ward is moved much faster again after a slow weekend :-)

*hugs helen* glad you are feeling a bit better! and yes you should try to cling to that better feeling.

*hugs felicia* sorry to hear that you have so much work. you can get it done though! I know it! Just stay focused and prioritize.

*hugs mark* I always wake up more tired then when i go to sleep... i think it is a depression thing... I am able to wake up more later in the day though. I hope that you do too.

*hugs lindsay* how r u?

*hugs jill* why is this afternoon going to suck? Hope that it doesn't.

*hugs lia, nicole, sarah, kahlia, kat, crimson, and everyone else*
I only did individuals for people that posted today as there have been 3 pages since i last signed in and didn't want to forget anyone. Don't think i left you out if i didnt reply, i did read everything.

I'm far too busy right now. People are telling me that i am stretching myself out too far and they are right... but what else am I supposed to do? I have to get uni work done, I have to cover for people at work b/c i feel bad leaving the paper lacking in designers, I have to finish these 20 essays for graduate school, and I have to work on the websites I am in charge of. There isnt anything I can drop really.

I may not be around much for the next day or two because I have several uni tests and papers due... just thought i'd let you guys know in case anyone worries if i don't really post.

*Hugs Jill*Whats the matter hun?

*Hugs Helen*

*Hugs Felicia*

*Hugs Laura* GOOD LUCK with your papers and tests :(

*Hugs Lindsay*How are you ?

*hugs Laura* I'm sorry you have so much going on right now. Hope it settles down real soon.

Laura, I hope things calm down for you soon.

I'm ok, cold.

How are you, Mark?

I'm tired with no good reason , but the depression doesn't help and I am getting over a cold so that doesn't help me in the mornings plus the sedative effect of meds I take at night still sedate my a bit in the mornings , so yeah , a bit tired but trying to focus on every little step , like right now I'm thinking about my dinner then I'll focus on something else , I just can't deal with the "BIG picture" right now :S

Lindsay, it's cold here too brr!!! *hugs you and Mark*

I'm sorry I gave you my cold over the internet, Mark. I didn't mean too! :S
Taking things bit by bit is good, I think.

I am anxiety filled today, and I really don't know why.

I've been like this today & it sucks. Been actual shaking for most of it. Being so cold here hasn't really helped that either!!!

Aww Felicia I'm sure it wasn't your cold :P Internet colds are the worst though :)
^^^^ Yep I hope so :)

I don't think I can deal with life any more.

*Hugs Lindsay* You can deal with whatever life throws at you , you are really strong , If you need to talk I'm about .

curls up and hides

*Finds Jill and Hugs*

*hugs everybody*

I got some good news. Made me happy & excited aha. Just wish I could shake the rest of this lowness off now.

thanks mark, just had a really heartbreaking and upseting kind of day. =[

*Hugs Helen* Yey for good news !:)

*Hugs Jill*

erm thanks mark. cuddles helen. goes back into hiding place

Yay for good news, Helen! *hugs*
*hugs Jill*
*hugs Mark*

so... a guy on youtube commented on one of my videos and said that I was fat. I'm highly upset by this and feel really stupid for feeling like this. Maybe I should just take all my videos down and such?

*Hugs Felicia* Ignore him Felicia , There are some people online who have nothing better to do than make petty snide comments , They are best ignored , You are not Fat at all , you are very pretty :D
EDIT:- Sorry interupted by the phone , I personally think that you should leave your videos up on youtube , don't give this ******** get you down . What do you talk about on your videos ?

Mark, indeed, seeing my bestie again, obviously not for a while yet but least it's set now yay :D

Felicia, yay indeed. I'm sorry someone called you fat. I think you should leave your videos up and ignore the comment. *cuddles tight*

*hugs Jill*

cuddles everyone. erm really hate me right now. argh!!!!!! jill no one like whats going on, but do you see other people getting upset about it, no. jill you have got keep strong for there sake, even if you dont feel it. sorry kind of a rant, not being the best of days today. sorry

It's okay to rant Jill , we will listen ,even though you don't like yourself right now I like you *Hugs*

*Hugs Jill* Everything effects differnet people in different ways and there's no right or wrong way to react. It doesn't make you pathetic or weak, something that's trivial to you may be a huge deal for someone else. I hope you're alright.

*Hugs Felicia* That's actually made me proper angry now, so much so, that I just used 'proper' as an ajective. People have no right to say those things, you're not fat and it wouldn't matter in the slightest bit if you were, no one cares except narrow minded people with nothing better to do in their sad little lives but make others feel bad about theirs. You shouldn't take your videos down because of one person, ignore them. They aboviosly have no life. You're beautiful. :)

*Hugs Helen* Really good about seeing your friend again :) At least you have that to look forward to now to help with missing her.

*Hugs Mark* Hey, how are you?

*Hugs Lindsey* You CAN do this, you've proved it so many times before. We're all here for you to help you with this :)

*Hugs Lia* How are you tonight?
I'm drained , But it's good to talk to people I trust which I did today .
My Auricular Accupuncture helps me sleep so hopefully I'll get some good quality sleep and wake up less tired and be able to pull myself out of bed at a reasonable time tomorrow morning :)

I'm glad you feel able to talk to people Mark.

Well, I was about to say I was alright, but the thought of that just filled me with lonliness and dread, so let's try a different appraoch. I'm not sure how I am. I've been up and down today and currently I'm kinda down, but not triggered. It doesn't help that it's freezing in my room. I just feel...I dunno, sad I guess, but for no apparent reason.

thanks mark and lia. erm okay whats got me upset and why this day was heartbreaking. my gran has altzemers(sp) sorry my spelling sucks. anyway we went to vist my gran today in the hospital type place she is in. she has had 2 mini strokes can speak but its sometime hard to understand. today she got all upset because she was told she moving into a home soon. when she found out she wanted her coat, and to go home to her house. she was getting all upset. i ended up getting upset, and crying, got told by my mum to stop as it wasnt helping, and it not all about me. this has upset me, and now i just want to cut. this sucks this isnt gran. i guess my mum is right and i should stop being a selfish bitch. sorry that is long

*huggles everyone* sorry about last night guys, had a bit of a bad day at college. feeling better today though :D how is everyone?

^^^^I know the feeling , so you're not alone Lia if that helps any?*Huggles*

Jill, I am sorry to hear about your Gran *Huggles*

I'm going to bed now , I'm nice and relaxed for a change , I ccould use a GOOD nights sleep.*Hugs the ward* *Spots and Hugs Nicole*

*hugs mark* night night.

Feel triggered want to cut sorry

*hugs RYUU* don't be sorry hun, is there anything you can use to distract you right now?

*hugs lia cause i spies her*

am trying to do things like being online and listening to music
my husband said i should go to bed early but am not feeling tired

How about lying in bed with your eyes closed listening to some nice music, calms me sometimes.

Had a rough day today but feeling on top of the world now, everything is sorted out and I'm elated. *cuddles wardies tightly* I love you guys

Good Sarah, I'm glad, but it is a genuine good mood heopfully, and not induced by anything.

*Hugs Nicole* Glad you had a better day, and thank-you for making me feel noticed.

*Hugs Jill* You're not a selfish bitch, I can understand your upset. My nan had dementia, and well...yeah. It was horrible to watch. But it probably is best to put on a brave face around them, but that doesn't mean you don't have the right to be upset and you can always let it out as soon as you're alone, or no longer with them. On no account am I agreeing with your mum.

*Hugs RYUU* Sorry I don't really know what to say that hasn't already been said. Just stay safe.

Oh wow, I thought I had sent this ages ago.

*hugs everyone*
*hopes everyone's doing a bit better now (been a while since anyone posted)*

*sneaks in and hugs all who want/can accept hugs*

Feeling like I've been hit by a bus. Was up coughing last night for quite a while and it's left me quite drained and achey. Have the GP tomorrow ... hopefully something can be done. Until then I'll be relying on my puffer and hoping it'll be enough.

So.damn.over.this.

Sorry for being rude and not replying to you all. I am thinking of you, just not thinking straight enough to reply in a meaningful way. :-(

*huggles Kahlia and wishes her better*