Things just got bad here



*clings to wardies* I feel so low. This is my fault.

I'm sorry Sarah. It isn't your fault.

I do believe I am experiancing what one may call a mental breakdown type thing. Haha, how funny. I'm feeling none of this. The Ice Queen has me now, it's not just a mask, it's becoming me. I FEEL NOTHING *Evil laugh* mwahaha!

cuddles lia, im getting worried about you.
cuddles sarah, lia's right none of this is your fault, none of it.
curls up and trys to block out the pain.

*clings to Lia* thanks

Thanks Jill *huggles*

I'm going to go to bed and get out the way, night wardies. You're all super amazing x

erm just wrote out stuff i being thinking about, but i couldnt make myself post it. damn it what im i so scared off. curls up and hides

*finds and empty corner to hide in*

*sits in corner and waves to everyone before falling asleep*
i spies kahlia :)

*Hugs Lia*

*Hugs Sarah*It's not your fault , really .

*Hugs LizLiz* Hi :)

*Hugs Heather*

*Hugs Jill*

*Hugs all my other wardies*

Huggles all. Great another day to feel utter crap, anther day were I realise that I was to scared to attempt something stuiped. Curl up and crys. Sorry none of you need this. =[

*Hugs Jill*

Well the Houseing benifit assesor lady came just now , she was here for 5 minutes Max , ask a few questions , Name , postcode , are you on income support ........ and had me sign the form and left , she seemed nice and was plaesant and came early *YEY* , So releived that it's over , she didn't even want to look at my bank statement or income support letter like the letter said to have ready . I offered her tea but she didn't want any , SO glad it's over :)

Ummm I'm at the cyber cafe "volunteering" heh , In all honesty I sat in a chair for 20 minutes before being told I can use the computers hmmm , am I volunteering ? I'm here though, I guess I just have to wait to be told what to do .......

Cuddles mark. Erm I tried to end my life a few days back, thinking about death a lot lately. Really miss someone and just want to be with them, and I know I can't and it kills me. Got stuiped thoughts running through my head, just want to try again. Damn that's so messed up.

*Cuddles Jill Tons* I'm so sorry you are feeling so awful , please try not top act on those bad thoughts , You are worth so more than this . We here would really miss you should anything happen to you :S

It's good your there, though it can be hard sitting about waiting it is still volunteering. It was could you saw someone about income support.

I am sorry your not feeling great, we are here for you. It is so hard when you miss someone. *hugs*

i have the pills next to me my husband is out and am so close to taking them
dont know what to do help

*Hugs Ryuu , Put the pills away , please do that, Then put on some music you like and try and divert your attention , Or go out for a walk or put on the T.V. or surf online ......

*hugs anyone who wants*

mark, glad the housing benefits meeting went well <3

gah its cold =[ should have breakfast... maybe.

Ha, no one cares. Lol.

It would seem that I have truly cracked...ROFL.

*Hugs Lia* I care , I really do , I've had a stressful day , kind of , I really didn't know what to say . I am a bit concerned about you , are you sort of numb ? I know that feeling . I'm sorry I didn't post earlier .

No, it's not numbness. I've never really had this before. It's kinda I really don't care about anything that happens to me and...well I guess twisted really is the word to use. It's like I'm not even me. I act the same, but feel so much differet. Perhaps I've snapped. Perhaps I've gone nuts. Wouldn't that be fun!

Has anything happened to triggered this feeling Lia?

Had another rough day. Feel so on edge and down. :(

It kinda started yesterday evening. I was talking to my friend Ellis and I went kinda weird on her. I was talking about my growing need to lose weight, despite being at a healthy size. She warned me against it and I got kinda upset and then she said 'I hate it when you're like this'. What I was 'like' is me with my mask off. Obviously I took that as her not liking me unless I was hiding behind the Ice Queen, so I promised her it wouldn't come back off and resolved it never would again.

The thought made my cry almost hysterically into my pillow, but I spoke as if everything was normal to her (we were on MSN). Only once I had stopped crying, I accused her (nicely) of hating me without my mask and she said 'hate's a strong word', so I presumed that meant I was right.

That was when the grin came up. A sort of crazed grin which blocked out the pain I should have felt then. The hurt that should have came with showing someone the real me and it being rejected. She swore she would always love me, and she will as long as I'm not myself.

My mood went kinda twisted then and I started to be very cold. Not to her, but she was getting really upset, and although I continued to reassutre her, I really didn't care. Not like I usually do. The part of me that was still human comforted her, but the other part of me was urging me to tell her where to go. It was like I was two seperate people right then with the twisted one being the most dominant.

It's not as bad as it was yesterday, but it's still there and it's starting to scare me. Sorry about the long post. Feel free to ignore me.

*Hugs Sarah* I hope you're OK.

*Hugs Sarah*

*Hugs Lia* I know you have your mask but it's scary (To me) that it's taking over , I'm worried about you hun :S

I am going for a early night lie down , put some music on and try to think non-triggering thoughts.

Hugs Mark* I hope you're OK. Sorry for my rant.

*cuddles Lia* I really hope you're okay, I'm worried for you x

*snuggles Mark* Nighty night *tucks in*

*HUGS Lia* i @m just triggered . not your doing . just AM . It'sperfectly okay to rant here Lia , Don't be sorry :)

*Hugs Sarah , Am back up :P.

Not coping so well the devil keeps telling me to OD

*hugs Mark* my friends don't want to talk to me and my Fiance is ill and in bed, so I'm all lonely here. As I signed into MSN everyone changed their status and 3 people went offline. I think its because I had such a rough time recently its become a burden more than anything. They all have their own worries, they don't need mine too. Even my fiance is getting fed up of how down I am all the time, I mean I can't help it and I'm trying to make it go away but it won't. My mood won't lift and he's annoyed that there's something wrong every day. Real life sucks.

*hugs RYUU* Please don't listen. You shouldn't OD, you're strong, you can beat it. Is there anywhere you can go to be away from the pills?

*Hugs Ryuu* Please try not to OD , Can you talk to your hubby? Or Music , Music is so good for diverting attention .

*Hugs Sarah*I'm sorry you're lonely , I know its not the same as IRL friends / Fiance but I'll listen to you :) I'll be on here for about an hour

Thanks Mark :) you're amazing, I love it in here. I feel safe and calm and like everyone cares. Feels lovely.

Edit: He just said its too difficult to have fun around me now because of how I'm down all the time. Feels like that was a bit harsh. I mean I've been a pain because I've not been happy and I've attempted to OD a few times. I've been really bad and this isn't helping. :(

It's okay Sarah , that's what's so great about this place , everyone cares :) Thanks for calling me amazing , Made me smile :-)

Thanks Mark. Just so fed up. I don't know what to do. I've tried, I'm heavily medicated and I'm seeing people and keeping a diary and talking to anyone who will listen and asking for advice... I just feel lost. :(

I know the feeling of being heavily medicated up and talking to pretty much anyone , you're not alone . I'm sorry you feel lost , could you talk to a Dr perhaps about changing your meds , they clearly don't seem to be working out for you .

I have an appointment Friday. I feel so terrible. Its just not fair.

*Cuddles Sarah* It isn't fair no but it WILL get better for you , ask your Dr to switch you onto a different med/s

I will do, thanks Mark *cuddles*

Been so rough recently, I'm not sure if its because things are getting worse or if its the meds...

So run down too, bones are achy and stiff :(

Could you look up the side effects of the meds on the leaflet that came with them? , Aches and stiffness could be in the list.

Is alas from my previous joint problems, they just act up even more when I'm miserable

I have a feeling I've asked this before but can you take any pain meds for the pain? sorry If you've already told me that.

Yeah, paracetamol. Been applying heat on the sore bits too. Got an appointment with rheumatology in 2 weeks time for a review.

Okay good , I mean it's good that you have an appointment .

It is. I feel really isolated tonight. I hate times like this, regardless of who and what I surround myself with I still feel alone. I don't like it :(

*Hugs Sarah* Sorry you feel so lonely. I know the feeling, and no one seems to accept and understand me either. Like Mark said, I know it's not the same but you'll always have us.

*Hugs Mark* How are the urges? And thanks for earlier :)

*Hugs Lia* Don't worry about earlier , I hope I helped a little bit . The Urges are there still but I'm tired and I am going to bed once it hits 9pm and I don't want the hassle of clearing up the mess hmmm thats a reason to not injure right? I feel so motivationless in general , hate those urges:S

*hugs Mark*
Guess what? I still don't know how to not push my limits, so I'm throwing myself into helping for homecoming for the next two weeks, fun. haha. Oh well, I can do this, yes?

Oh... and I have an ear infection, on top of another sinus infection, and strep... My immune system doesn't do ****.

Since I can't make a coherent thought anymore, something tells me I may have taken on too much.

*Hugs Felicia* You are pushing yourself hard hun , please take care of yourself . I'm sorry you're sick too that really doesen't help matters.