Thanks Claire :)

just life sucks, when it rains it pours. i cant handle much

I'm around for a little while if you need to talk Jill :)

*hugs mark, helen and jill*

Jill and Mark I am here if you need to talk

cheers mark, and louise, its all good, im okay.well im not really but kind of have to be. hugs you both

Thankyou Louise , I'm just FED UP , I cannot be a 30 year old injurer , it's not usual , and yet I have cut this evening . My 30th birthday has been the Date I set to stop injurering but It's dawned on me that that is SO unrealistic , but I will have been harming for 16 years soon , It's just.......Too Much :(

I've just been to a 'meeting' with my support worker and two people from the voluntary crisis team. They want me to stop calling when I feel suicidal or am going to self harm or overdose, i.e when I am in a crisis. I thought that's what they were there for! Seemingly it's just for people who want to chat about their day etc. I've to go to the gym twice a week and call them to let them know how I get on. As much as I want to move forward I feel like they're taking my coping mechanisms away from me. Nothing gets me 'out of it' like overdosing. And, I guess I am attention seeking like my medical notes say, I want the attention and care that comes with going to hospital even if it is negative attention.

*Hugs Lindsay* Thats ridicullous ! Of course you should have the crisis team to call when you are in a crisis , Geez . Is there anyone other than them that you call in a crisis ? The Samaritans might be there for you , I've never called them but I've e-mailed them and they seem to be genuinally caring people.

Mark, there's people out there who are older than you and injure. Hell, one of my best friend is 37 and until recently she was still self harming. You can reach 30 and not be cutting...

My mum is being mean to me again, telling me I'll never amount to anything. I want it to stop now :(

*hugs mark and agrees with what both claire and helen have said*

*hugs helen* im sorry about your hearing aid, that sounds incredibly frustrating. Also, hope that the bus pass shows up soon, thats ridiculous having to pay so much everyday you have college.

*hugs louise* how r u doing?

*hugs lindsay* wow im sorry that the crisis team is treating you like that. I wish I had some advice... maybe try what mark said and call the Samaritans and see if you can get support from them? Here if you need to vent.

*hugs sarah* don't listen to your mom. You can and will amount to something. I'm sorry she is saying those things to you

*hugs hayley, april, jill, oliver, and everyone else*

Its storming.. which normally i love... but its hailing and i have to walk to class in about 25 minutes and its a 1/2 mile away.. ouch :-( i hope it at least stops hailing by then.

^ I'm 40. I didn't start hurting myself until I was around 28.

why does life kick someone when there allready down. fu8ksake, sorry =[

Is there anything you want to talk about?

*huggles everyone* i hope your all ok, sorry i havent been doing much, really struggling a lot at the moment and finding college hard :(

So tense, the yelling has stopped but I know its coming back :(

*cuddles all*

Sorry I've not been posting much (again). I really need to get my head around things... only problem being, I don't know really what I mean by that. Just "life in general" I suppose. GRRRR. >_<

Am trying to be creative, more positive, and more inspirational. Thing is, I don't know if I can do it. I know I'm not making much sense, but... the creative project has has HAS to remain anonymous for now. For awhile. Probably, forever. Ugh. So... I can't really tell you what it is. Ahaha. >_<

In other news, today has been an okay day. Mailed out my job training forms and am utterly petrified about going. :( Spent some time with my dad at uni - everyone looks SO young, haha... and yes, I did think that even when I was a student there. :P It's just weird thinking that the freshmen this year were born well after I was. Heh. Anyway. I also got "pulled" in by the library and ended up checking out four books that I'll probably not read. Oops. They look really good though and I am going to TRY to read them... it's just... well, I tend to get carried away by wanting to read etc., even when I know that I don't have the concentration for it. GRRRR. I also had coffee and a healthy, nommy lunch. :)

*extra cuddles for all*

*hugs april* hope that your creative project, whatever it is, goes as you plan. Your day sounds like it was pretty good. Oh and, I always think the freshman at my uni look ridiculously young heh.

*hugs sarah* im sorry about all the yelling and that you are feeling the tension. I know that has to be horrible.

*hugs nicole* good to see you around though! I'm sorry your struggling, always here if you want to talk.

*hugs jill* what happened? Hope you are staying safe

*hugs claire and mark*

I dont know what to say about myself so i'll leave it at that. *hides*

hugs everbody. im okayish just have shed loads going on right now, just seams to be one thing after another right now. =[

Hey all. Wondering if anyone has any comments on the poem I just wrote for English. I'm kinda edgy about the class reading it, but it's annonymous, so that makes it a little better. Actually, it makes it much better. Anyway, the topic was 'home'...I hope it's ok.


Home To Me


In the depths
Of the dark in my mind
There's a world there
A world of my kind.


Where hope lingers
And pain is gone
There is no one to tell me
What I am is wrong.


Life is precious
But time is so short
I am soon pulled back
To a world of this sort.


I'm not missed
I soon return
To a world I love
This is what I learn:


Strength is unbreakable
I can survive
I learn what it feels like
To exist whilst alive.


I fall away now
As I sit and see
The world that is
A Home to me.

I like it very much Lia.
*goes back to hiding in my invisibility shroud*

Thanks Crimson. How are you tonight? If you feel like talking, you never can tell with invisible people.

:) I' m ok... trying to get caught up at work, prepping for a possible phone interview, trying not to get too excited about being totally debt free in 2 weeks, drooling over the outfit I might be able to get soon (mind you I never spend any where near the amount on clothes normally... this skirt, this shirt, this coat, these boots, and these earrings :D)... REALLY hoping I get this job.
And last but not least trying not to kill my in-laws for screwing up my clean apartment in less than a week after I scrubbed it (literally right down to the walls, scrubbed it) spotless which took me 2.5 days.

*hugs everyone and runs off for more work :(*

*hugs crimson* oo a shopping spree!!! lol, i especially love those earrings and boots. Good luck with the phone interview! i hope that you get the job! I'm sorry that your in-laws messed up your apartment though.. that has got to be annoying.

*hugs lia* i like the poem. It has a good flow and tone to it.

EDIT: not important

Cuddles all. loved the poem lia. Erm feeling iky morning being feeling it all night. Don't want to do today please make it disappear. Curls up and crys

*Hugs Sarah*

*Hugs Laura* I hope you didn't get hailed on :)

*Hugs Katie* Thanks for telling me, it's nice to know I'm not alone , Not "Nice" but you know what I mean :)

*Hugs Helen*The same as I said to Katie :)

*Hugs Jill*

*Hugs Crimson*Nice Earings!

*Hugs Lia* Thats a very good poem .

*Hugs Nicole*

*Hugs Claire*

*Hugs April*

*Hugs the rest of the ward*

Erm having a panic attack, got way to much stuff running through my head. Can't handle much more. Allready dodged two bullets not sure I be lucky the next time. Ha

*Hugs Jill*

evening all

Hi Julie *Hugs*

*hugs everyone* i'm still at college but everyone else has gone home. just spoke to my course manager about everything thats going on at the moment and she let me stay cause i wasnt feeling very safe going home. feeling a lot better now i've got it all out though.

*Hugs Nicole* It helps to get it all out doesn't it :) It was nice of her to let you stay too .

Glad she let you stay and that you spoke to her Nicole :) *cuddles tight*

*hugs ward*

My bus pass is now finally sorted, YIPPIE, no more bus fares!

Aaaaaaaaargh!!!!!!! This is to much, way too much. Why give someone more power, complete muppets. Curls up and hides.

*Yey!! Helen Hugs*

I picked up my Meds today. Piss taking Dr Prescribed me 8 Diazapam for the WHOLE Month , It says " take one twice a week" well it should be 20 a month and they didn't give me any last month and gave me 60 extra 400mg Lithium tablets . I can't regulate when I'm going to need a Diaz because of anxiety and stress but My Pysch Dr Gave me 20 a month for a reason , Luckily I have a pysch appointment next Thursday so I'll ask him for some more but I am ANXIOUS now , I've had to take a Diaz because my Dr is messing with me AAAARRRRGGGG!

*Hugs Jill*
Whats up hun?

*glomps Mark & Lia*

How are you two doing? (besides the diaz, Mark, I mean *extra hugs* Sorry to hear about that, that sucks quite awfully)

New&shiny is making me happy. :) *random* Ummm... cancelled my nutritionist appt for today and rescheduled it for Monday as I've also a NP appt today and that is a HELL of a lot of driving to do. :( Sooo... I just have to drive myself to my NP appt (and parallel park which I ABHOR!!!!) tonight... while Jarrod does laundry. Grrrrr. That means I'm going to have to take the four-lane (highway-soon-to-be-interstate) which I hate hate hate... but... NEW&SHINY IS MAKING ME HAPPY so that's what I'm going to think about now. :D

In other news... got two new sweaters at the Goodwill store... beautiful Woolrich ones (that will have to be hand-washed, grrr) but that I can wear as business casual. Well, one of them anyway. The other is too warm for October (wool). Wheeee... :) And, umm, that's really about it. BUT TODAY marks 12 weeks SI free. :D

*cuddles all* Sorry it's not more...

*HUGE HUGS APRIL* 12 weeks is Massive !!!! *Happy dances with April* :-)

GO APRIL!!!!!!!!

*hugs april* nice job on the 12 weeks!! and yay for new clothes!

*hugs mark* im sorry about the diaz situation. Hopefully it gets worked out at your appointment on thursday.

*hugs jill and julie*

*hugs helen* im glad that your bus pass is finally there!

*hugs nicole* that was very nice of her to let you stay. i'm glad that you are feeling better after getting everything out.

I havent felt safe for 2 days... I don't want to keep going like this. Can I give up now? please? i have nobody to talk to. nobody even wants me around... or well, no thats not exactly right, people don't even give me enough thought to not want me around, i'm just invisible.

In other news, i got the web editor position. Now i have to tell my other work that I have meetings on sunday so I won't be able to work for them that night. They are going to be so mad... i'm anxious.

no giving up laura :(
*hug* good luck with the work sit

*will be proper on later... class*

*Hugs Laura* You're not invisible to us Laura :) You can talk here maybe?

Congratulations on getting the web editor job !! Good luck telling your other work about Sundays .

*Hugs Heather*

No giving up Laura. We want you. I deffo do *cuddles tightly*

*hugs everyone*

Today was a bit sucky. Had all my lecturers, 4 out of 6 suck. Great. I went to do maths for a mental challenge, not to be spoonfed answers and work. *sigh*

Just tense and stressed today, not gotten over mum thretaning violence and theft last night

*Hugs Sarah* You don't deserve to be threatened , are you safe at home now?

Yeah its calm here now. Stuck here though. Got stuck on a bus for 2h today in traffic and missed half my lecture today :(

Sucks to be me really.

I know there hasn't been that many posts since my last but it feels like there were *shrug*
Thanks all for the luck and sweet comments on my new outfit :) I'll totally post pictures after it comes in :D
Grats April! That's awesome!
Mark is there anyone you can talk to to get your med issues cleared up for good? They seem to do this to you FAR too often. :(
Yay for your pass Hels! Hope your hearing aid is fixed up quickly/soon.
Laura you are not invisible and we like having you around. Congrats on the editor job. They probably won't be too mad since it's just one day, you aren't totally quitting.
Glad your doing better Sarah, was the lecture important? Can anyone give you notes?
*huggles everyone*
*waves at Owen if he's in*

Hmmm first proper reply in ages... Feels good :)

I'm so excited to be totally debt free by the 10th of next month :D My ex can't ruin things for me anymore *cheers*
Ok that's enough rambling for me I'm off to do more file pulling *sings along to the music that's playing*

*hugs all*
I harmed today. Found out my roomie has been spreading lies about me to the people in BCM (Christian group on campus that I'm the secretary of) because I "spend too much time with them and care too much about them and that's not healthy". So.. maybe I won't go to the camp out so no one in BCM will know I harmed.

On a positive note, this week is Jesus Week and last night we had a campfire and concert and video screening. And the praise band I'm in did a few songs and I got complimented on my voice! Eeep! Also, someone said I had an interesting accent, but I don't think that's a compliment =/

*Hugs Crimson* I have spoken to my Psychiatrist more than once about it and he has written letters to my GP saying I need 20 a month but my GP just keeps doing this to me . I would have thought a GP would HAVE to follow a Consulant Psychiatrists instructions don't you think ?
Just wears me down *sigh*

EDIT: Oh thats Freaking wonderful , I was just organising tonights meds and realised that my "Dr" has only given me 2 weeks supply of Lithium!! instead of a months supply . I can't beleive it , it's Ridiculous , Its a good job he gave me so many more last month than was prescribed , at least I have a few back-up tablet even if I do have to cut them in half myself :S ARG!