*hugs claire* please try not to cut hun, im sorry your dad isnt well.
im not drinking now, i need a clear head if im ever gonna talk some sense into my friend. :'(

*huggles everyone*

Sorry I've not been about this afternoon/evening, been sleeping wayyy too much - and guess what? - I'm still tired. :( Hate this. Whatever it is. Just got back from a walk and it was freezing outside, plus it was raining... thankfully Jarrod thought to bring along his umbrella. Ugh. I hate walking in cold rain. :( It should've woken me up a bit but no go, now I just want to curl up under warm covers even more. :-/

As far as the family stuff goes... it all has to do with how I view how private family matters should be kept and how the rest of my family views that matter. I think that while there are some things that ought to be kept secret... ummm... some stuff, like my sister "leaking" the SA stuff to my parents, well, I think it's okay if I write that in my LJ. It's my space after all. And so is here. Even with a lot of people reading it that my parents don't know. But my sister/parents think that I should've kept it more "hush hush" and not given the personal details that I did (like who did it). Ugh. Family matters bite. I wrote more about it in my r/v if anyone cares to take a look. :'(

My head hurts. Jarrod thinks it's because I'm not eating near enough even though I'm on a meal plan and following it to a T. I don't know. I guess that could be it - the tiredness and the headache (almost constant). Blah. I don't know. EDs are so dumb. :'(

*hides where no one can find her and cries softly*

*throws things around the ward and screams*

IM SUCH A ****ING IDIOT, I COULDNT HELP MY FRIEND NOW SHES GONNA KILL HERSELF, AND I JUST CONSTANTLY SELF HARM, **** THIS, I GIVE UP!
*cries*

*cuddles Nicole* Shh, sweetie, calm down a bit if you can. What's exactly happened? You aren't an idiot, and you oughtn't put all of the blame on yourself for your friend's wellbeing... if she's in such a bad state she should call a helpline or go to the hospital or something like that, she oughtn't expect someone who is still recovering to know all of the "right" things to say or to be able to keep her safe. Does that make any sense? I hope so. And SI is really, really tough to be rid of. It's taken me several tries to get through to being rid of it, and I still get urges. I'm sure that Kahlia and Hels could tell you the same thing that I just did, that it's awfully hard to quit self injuring. So please, hon, try not to beat yourself up over that. I do understand how frustrating it can be to keep self injuring and not being able to stop, because I was there just a few months ago... but... please, don't be angry at yourself about it, because that anger is counterproductive. *extra special strengthening hugs*

And this is something that all of us should remember: "there's no such thing as perfect people, there's no such thing as a perfect life..." (from "Perfect People" by Natalie Grant, can look it up on YouTube if you like but it's a Christian song so I didn't want to offend anyone by posting it). It's hard for me to remember sometimes/a lot of the time, so I thought I'd remind all of us. Sorry if that is out of place or something along those lines.

*cuddles all*

*huggles april and tidies up the ward* i know i shouldnt be like that about me self harm, im so much better than i used to be and have come a long way, its just hard that i havent got it under control yet :( my friend......i dont know whats happening :( shes gone offline after saying she was going for a walk. to a bridge about 5 miles from her house, and she doesnt know if shes gonna come back...i dont know where she lives so i cant call the police, i cant help her :'(

Honey, if anything does happen to your friend - and I hope and pray that it won't - please try not to blame yourself. There's nothing really that you can do when someone's suicidal and you don't know where s/he lives or any personal details, really. I've had moments like that, and have just had to move on. I mean, the person about which I'm speaking... that was about 4-6 years ago and I'm still not sure if she's alive, but I know that I couldn't really do anything because I didn't know her last name, I didn't know really anything about her except that she struggled with a lot of the same stuff that I do... so I've just had to let that go. I don't know. Sorry to be talking about me so much. :-/

But anyway - that's the best advice I can offer. Your friend can't have truly expected you to "save her life" or anything, even if you feel like you MUST (I understand that as well, feeling so close to someone and feeling like you NEED to help them)... she should know that only professionals know what to say/do. I hope I am making sense and not sounding like I don't care about you or your friend, because I do... I am concerned about the both of you, but am trying to stress that you oughtn't blame yourself. For anything that happens. *cuddles gently*

Cuddles everbody. Nevermind

I know I'm a little late & I hope you do see this Nicole...

But everything April said I agree with. IF your friend comes to any harm, then you did everything you could. At the end of the day, it's ultimately up to the person who's suicidal whether they attempt to do something or not. It's horrible to think/say at times but it's true. There is only SO much friends/family/professionals can say.

There have been times where I've worried about Jade/Gemma going to hurt themselves seriously, more Gemma, but anyway, sometimes even when you DO know their full name/address/numbers, you can't always get them help anyway. There's been many times I've worried that Gemma was going to come to serious harm and I couldn't get her help because I didn't know where the **** she was. It's been very very distressing but I've just had to wait it out and keep trying to contact her. I've had the same with other friends and not always for suicidality. I do hope your friend comes to no harm & if she does, she recvies medical help.

You may 'constantly' self harm when you are. However, I know you've attempted giving up before & hopefully will again in the future. Nobody stops one day and never does it again. Well I'm sure there's some people who do. But I know with me, it's not worked that way. I've stopped/started for the past few years. Hopefully this recovery period won't end on this occasion but who knows. What I do know is....all the days you do go without cutting/oding/etc all still count as free. So if I ever did cut again or anything, it wouldn't take away these past six months (and a little more) where I HAVEN'T cut despite the insane amount of **** I've had thrown at me. If I were to OD/attempt suicide again, it wouldn't take the past year that I haven't done that..

Hope this helps sweetheart.

Jill, I'm sorry you had to edit your post, hope you're okay x

*hugs Nicole & hands over a soft plushie* I echo exactly what Hels & April say. Don't blame yourself if anything DOES happen <3 And admitting you've come a long way in terms of SI is definitely a step in the right direction. Hell, I'm close to reaching 1 week free for the first time in over a year. And yet, it still feels like I'm doing it constantly. So, I guess my point with that is, it's easy to get down on yourself... but keep reminding yourself of the little progress you have made <33 Stay safe.

*hugs April* Sounds like a bunch of crap at the same time :( And I wish I could do more to help. Personally, I think you should be allowed to write whatever you want on here / on LJ, without people questioning your motives and whatnot. But some people are just weird I guess... sorry I don't have much else to say :( But *extra cuddles*

*hugs Hels* How are you doing?

*hugs Jill* I hope you're alright hun <3

Just got insanely triggered by my dad. Trying to focus on not cutting. Or trying not to harm in general. GAH.

*hugs Taz* if you need to talk, my PM box is open.

So... I was gonna do another video today, just talking about stuff... then I thought I would also do a cover of one of my favorite songs... but... alas, I got sick and my voice is shot. I feel like crap. I need to go to bed soon, but I can't.

Sorry guys. Im no use tonight. Im drunk. I just fell off a chair.
Im sorry...ill just leave

*hugs Felicia* I hope you sleep well <3

*hugs Lex* Stay safe hun. Falling off chairs is never wise :)

I text my boy the other night...told him i loved him. He sent back a "sorry i didnt txt, been busy, how are you" txt.
So....How AM i? well i love you....and....im struggling because right now I dont want to eat....I dont want to sleep....I just want him back again. Im scared. Scared he'll find someone better you know? Because hell I know Im too nice...I get walked all over...but thats just who I am. I know im not the prettiest girl....Im barely average looking....and thats why Im so nice I guess....its a compensation for being...well...*looks in the mirror* but for once...I would love things to go my way. I would love someone to love me back. Maddly. Truely. Deeply. *sigh*
Im a dreamer....I promised myself Id change when I moved into this house. I promised Id stop being a dreamer. Dreams dont come true and I picked the wrong guy to fall in love with. Simple.

I know right?! I have already hurt my shoulder from falling down the stairs and it made work really difficult....and i went to lean back in my chair and then i saw the ceiling and was like "woah..."

Sometimes I wonder if it will ever end ...

I'm feeling really quite low and flat this morning , I was awake for a while before I finally forced myself out of bed at 10.40am , I really didn't want to get up. I have no motivation and I have to go out to pay my bill and grocery shop today :( I haven't felt so crappy for a little while , I hate it . Sorry.

*Hugs Ward*

Oh and thankyou to everyone who has said they are proud of me , It means tons :)

I'm invisible .... or maybe i'm a ghost

*cuddles all*

Mark, sorry you're feeling so low, is there anything that I/we can do?? and do you know if there is any reason that you are so low? :( I'm sorry, again. Extra hugs coming your way!!

Lex, you are of use, but being drunk perhaps isn't the best idea. Seems like a lot of people are either struggling with that or doing that - getting drunk I mean... it's interesting to see how the ward kinda flows. I don't know if that even makes sense. Anyway. Sending extra hugs out to you too.

Taz, hon, I hope you made it through the night okay. <3 I'm sorry your dad triggered you... that really sucks. Especially when you can't really get away from it. Ugh. PM box is open whenever/if you need/want to talk to someone. <3

Kahlia, are you okay? *concerned* Sending you extra hugs too!!! (maybe I'll just send EVERYONE extra hugs, since it seems like they all need them)

Jill, what's up, sweetie?? *is also concerned*

Felicia, sorry you're ill, that sucks too. :( Wish I could make you feel better. Are you taking anything for the cough? Hope you managed to get some sleep last night...

Hels, I hope you are doing okay. Thanks for the post. :) I'm glad I wasn't just spouting off a lot of crap. I really do feel/think the stuff that I type though... (not that anyone said otherwise :P)

And Nicole, same to you - hope that you're doing okay. :( I'm worried about a lot of you in the ward...

There, think I got everyone that posted since the last time I did, and if I didn't, many apologies. :-/

Oh and Taz, thanks for the response to my r/v and/or what I said in here. :) Much appreciated.

Afternoon ward :D

I'm nearly almost all better, just need to shake off feeling sick, improve eating (still struggling a little) and the exhaustion off, which I am slowly and I'll be just fine :)

*cuddles ward*

I just woke up depressed April , it happens , I just hope it isn't the beginning of a long term slump :S *Hugs*

*Hugs Kahlia * You're not invisible .

*hugs Helen* I am glad you are feeling a bit better :)

*hugs everyone*

*Hugs Claire* How are you feeling this lunch time ?

I'm still not too good. Hardly slept last night, still have a headache, and I just want to disappear :(

*hugs* I'm sorry you woke up depressed, can you do anything to lift your mood any?

Well I'm listening to fairly upbeat music , I just about managed to go out and pay my bills get my food shopping but I started shaking in the supermarket , it was so busy :S I don't know what else to do , I might call my parents after I think they might have finished their lunch. I REALLY need something/someone to "Pep" me up hmmm

I don't really like supermarkets, especially when they are busy. I usually have to leave.

What would pep you up?

I don't know Claire, if I did I'd do it , it would be frustrating if I could feel that today but the depression and meds numb me a lot

I sorry you aren't feeling the best either :( *Hugs*

Yeah, I know the feeling *hugs* Sorry I can't help.

I think I'm gonna lay down for a bit.......:S

*hugs* I hope you feel a bit better, take care of yourself.

Ccuddles all .
April not sure I jan answear that truthfully right now. Hmm so far I have had no breakfast bread was mouldy so couldnt have it. hmm done 20mins on a cross trainer. Was getting pissed at people saying I should go on it. And saying I put on a bit of weight. =(

*hugs Jill* People should keep stupid comments like that to themselves. I hope you have something to eat and take care of yourself <3

*hugs Claire* I hope your headache goes away soon. And sorry you're not feeling the greatest :(

*hugs Mark* Have a good nap, and I get the feeling about supermarkets. Mind you, I have to work at one so I've grown kind of immune to the crowds =/ But it IS frustrating to have so many people there. Sorry you woke up depressed *extra cuddles*

*hugs April* Thanks... and you're welcome :) How are you doing today?

*hugs Hels* YAY :D Glad you're feeling better!

*hugs Kahlia* What's up hun?

*hugs Lex* I wish I could say something helpful... but nothing comes to mind =/ If you need to vent or whatever, you can always PM me <3

Made it through the night. Ended up cutting, feel really miserable because of it... more details in my r/v, but don't read it unless you're safe... it's kind of triggering =/

*extra huggles for all*

*hugs Kristyn* I'm sorry that you self harmed, remember that you can get back up from this fall. We are all behind you.

*Hugs Jill*

*Hugs Taz* I read your R/V thread , just so you know .

*Hugs Lindsay*

Hi guys, checking in seen as I'm back with family again. Not hungry but got a huge Sunday roast coming my way. Not been able to eat much with the stress and my meds and my gallbladder, and I can gaurantee a row over how little I eat again *sigh*

Glad I've got somewhere nice and safe. Last night was nice but couldn't lift my mood at all, had a bit of a misunderstanding over my mood this morning and things got a bit frosty but sorted now, thankfully.

*hugs Taz* I'll read your r/v when I'm feeling a little safer.
*hugs Lindsay*
*hugs Mark* are you feeling any better, dear?
*hugs Sarah* I'm glad you're somewhere safe. I hope you can lift your mood soon.

So.. I'm still sick and my nose hurts. lovely. I think it's a sinus infection. And I feel like crap, and I'm just generally triggery. It doesn't help that I got my hair cut yesterday and have just now decided I don't like it. I'll post pictures so ya'll can see. I'll put it in a hide box so it won't take up so much room.


So.. yeah, there you have it.

*Hugs Sarah*

Your new haircut looks very nice Felicia :) I like it *Hugs*

Thanks, Mark *hugs*

I'm debating going back to bed or not... My head feels like it's full of pressure.

My depression seems to have shifted into a general NUMBness Felicia , with a hint of depression lurking . Hmmm Your head feeling like it's full of pressure , is it mental pressure or like your sinus's ?

Lovely hair.

And thanks for being here guys, feel all nice and safe when I'm posting in here, even if I'm being yelled at. *hugs all*

Sarah , It's good that you feel nice and safe here :), It's kind of one of the points of the ward .

Mark, I'm sorry, I think I prefer straight depression over numbness with a hint of depression. That sucks *hugs*
and, it's both kind of pressure, my sinuses are giving me hell, but I have all sorts of crazy mental things going on too.

*hugs Sarah* I'm glad we make you feel safe.

*hugs Felicia and Mark* Its nice and calm here, I like it *snuggles up in blanket*

I don't know what I prefer *sigh* I spent 3 or 4 hours on my bed but didn't SLEEP sleep . I'm triggered and I'm trying to distract myself , my stew is almost ready maybe if I eat I'll feel better... *Hugs Back*

Yeah the numb feeling is terrible. Been like that a lot myself recently, straight depression is so much easier for me to deal with than feeling numb.

I hope you're okay, and that you enjoy your stew, stew is tasty :)

*cuddles everyone* Sorry we're all struggling so much....

*Hugs Sarah*

*Hugs Helen*

*Hugs Jill* I spot you :)

I gave in and S.I.'d just feel so ...... well my face is warm , flushed sort of . I don't know how I feel , or at least I don't know how to verbalise it :S

Cuddles all. Hmm had a little bit to eat, not much but but hey. Did another 20mins on the cross trainer. Hmm seams that all I want to do today is excersise. Meh.

*hugs everyone*

I am *this* close to giving in. I wish people wouldn't blame me for everything.