Why hide, Nicole?

*im trying to hide from the suicidal thoughts. not particurly working though :(

ah....hmmm... do you like to draw? maybe that'd help some...
*cuddles*

hmm just me being stuiped again. not towards anyone on in here sorry.

hahahah, now you know what its like to feel so small to made to feel like a peace of crap. i hate you, hope you get yours i really do.and you get the same thing done to you. you got a little taster. hahahahahaha.

nah, it just makes me frustrated cause im rubbish, i suppose i should go get my brother from school....

Nah Nicole You're not Rubbish , far from it *Hugs*

thanks mark, *hugs* but i am.
my brother is home from school so i dont have to go pick him up.

it doesn't have to be "good art" to get it out of you and onto paper.

is still get annoyed. i was looking forward to picking my brother up. but hes already home :/

*hugs Nicole*

So... my friend that told me he no longer wanted me in his life? Texted me and said "sorry for this morning.. hormones... love you!" I haven't responded. I can't forgive him just like that. Am I wrong?

*hugs*
no sweetie you're not wrong, he hurt you and youre right to be upset, but i think its better for you to just forget it, otherwise your just gonna end up stressing over it.

[speaking of hormones-i feel like ive hit puberty all over again! my boobs hurt, my periods are all over the place, and my mood swings are MENTAL! gah. i hate being a woman.]

*hugs Lia* The first one. :) And it sucks how your friend tries to fix the problem, but only makes you feel worse. It's always easy to say forgive and forget... but actually doing it is another matter. If I were you, I'd just keep my distance for a few days, then try to talk it out :)

*hugs Felicia* That's hurtful... but with "friends" like that, who needs enemies? I'm sure you have lots of other people that care about you, so don't worry about him. <3

*throws motivation cookies at Laura* I can never seem to find any motivation. And although it's not a good thing to feel nothing, maybe it's better than feeling bad? That's just me though.

*hugs Jill* Feel like sharing the epic fails? I always love an epic fail story :D Well... when they're funny for everyone involved. My latest epic fail involves locking my keys in my car... for the third time now ><

*picks up Crimson and lies her on ultra comfy bed* Why so drained? Too much essaying? :P

*hugs Nicole* You're not rubbish at all hun. And Crimson had a point, sometimes even scribbling on paper helps.

*hugs Mark* How are YOU?

I'm having a good day. It's my third full day off the meds, and I'm starting to feel like me again. I'm gonna go for another few days just to prove to everyone I'm better this way, and then I'll tell them. I feel bad for lying to my parents, my doctor, my counselor... but it's like they don't listen anyway. Oh, and I got my lip pierced this morning, just for the heck of it. And I love it :) Except eating a sandwhich was an adventure. I'm leaving for camp tomorrow morning, so I probably won't be on at all over the weekend.

You'll all be in my thoughts, and I'm leaving lots and lots of good wishes and thoughts and care packages in every corner for every wardie :D

*screams and throws things around ward* I ****ING HATE THIS! i hate feeling so crap i nhate living here i hate everything! i just want to die! why was i ever stupid enough to make that first cut? why did i let my self ruin my life? i'd be better off dead.
*goes back to corner and cries*

Oooooooooo cushie! I dunno why though... just am. Not from the essays though. I had them all done lunch yesterday and haven't done a thing with them since emailing them to April once I got home yesterday.
On the upside I'm starting a garden adventure. I decided to start composting. *nods* Started last night as I cleaned up what everyone left around the kitchen (about 2 packs of ramen noodles, a coffee filter fill of grounds, napkins off the floor, egg shells, etc) while I was at work. This is also not the source of my being drained though and I didn't cook last night so that's not it... *shrugs*ah well...

Hey Taz *Hugs* I'm sure if I had a car I would lock my keys in it too :) Did the piercing hurt? I can imagine the sandwich issue Heh. You'll get used to it, re-learning eating :)

Me? I'm still numb and royally sick of it , I got out for a walk this morning , I MADE myself go , only for 30 minutes , but I just seem to stare into space epically or at a blank computer screen for 15 minutes solid and the time go's and I don't FEEL anything. I cut myself just to FEEL , right arm so left handed , was a crap attempt. Hmmmmm . I don't want to say what I'm thinking in case I end up doing it *Sigh*

you would not be better off dead. and your scars don't have to ruin your life. *cuddles*

*hugs everyone* I'm going to walk down to the park and see if I can't make lunch time decent today.

*hugs everyone*

i want to leave tonight but i have no money, i want to get out of here now. i cant handle it.

*Hugs Lindsay*

*rocks*

Sorry I have been absent for so long today... about 2 pages since I last wrote (I think - or at least, since I last got caught up), so there is no way I could (easily) do replies for everyone. Sorry. :( I feel like a bad wardie. :(

Oh & Nicole - as Crimson said, your scars don't have to ruin your life. You can stop cutting - it's hard but possible. I'm doing that right now. Quitting. For good. Because I can't have it in my life and really be happy at the same time, if that makes any sense at all. I can't have a real job if I'm still cutting, especially as I want to go into the psych field, and the stigma hurts my social life (as I'm finding out... :-X see r/v for more). So yeah. Quitting is possible. I have so far gone a week without any urges - or hardly any, at least - and it's easily been one of the most stressful weeks in my life (so far, at least). So... anyway, just wanted to offer that scrap of hope. :) *hugs*

*cuddles all the wardies*

I'm so exhausted, and I don't know why. I even took a nap... and I'm STILL tired... fail. :-X

I'm also still worried about Jarrod & the army... worried that we're "marrying the military" and that he will be so focused on his job that he won't miss me when he's at basic (which wouldn't be too bad a thing, I guess, since basic requires a lot of focus) and advanced and then when he's deployed. :-X I don't know. I don't know of anyone who's been in the military, no military spouses are on my friends list on FB - as far as I know, anyway!! - so that doesn't help matters, not being able to talk with a military spouse. :-S

Anyway.

Sorry for rambling on... I'm just scared. :(

SO ****ing pissed off, upset, disgusted & hurt.
ARRRRRRRRRRGH.

ok so lunch started good and ended in an epic fail... to avoid climbing the hill that kills my bad knee I went a different way and came across some stairs behind/ beside a building thats across the street from my work and didn't look like they went into the building and since I couldn;t see the top clearly I thought it connected to street level... Well 3 flights of stairs later I get to the top and it's 10 feet from the road. with a steeply inclined hill. since I couldn't be back to work late I climbed over the rail and held on to things (pipes, trees, etc) to aid me in climbing the hill (and hoping I wasn't going to fall and kill myself trying to get back to work). I got here on time but with a bit of a limp... To think I thought the other hill was bad... **Epic Fail**
But I love the smell of the beach after a good rain and swinging was awesome and best yet since it rained yesterday (all day) the park wasn't very full at all. Most of the time I had the swings all to myself.

*hugs everyone* sorry for my little outburst earlier, had a bad day and was very low, just did some ice diving and am feeling WAY better

*Hugs Nicole* Glad you're feeling better sweeite, and you wouldn't be better off dead.

*Hugs Helen* What's the matter honey?

xx

*hugs helen* whats wrong hun? (i know im really late in asking.. but here if you need)

*hugs april, nicole, and crimson*

Sorry about the lack of many individuals... just.. sorry.

*hugs lia and laura*
thanks, its nice to be feeling better, im glad i talked to sofi.

Updated my r/v... again... sorry. :-S

Also, I spy Lia!! *glomps* Hehe... and just 'cause I spy you doesn't mean you have to do replies of epic proportions, love. :) Just thought I'd point that out, 'cause I know how much effort replies like that take.

And now I spy a Laura, a Nicole, and a Crimson!! *glomps* :)

*glares at april* OI that hurt!
only joking. *hugs* you okay?

Lia, Laura, may I take this to PM on this occasion?? Laura - it's something we've discussed before so you shall know why I'm pm'ing it, if it's okay.

*cuddles you all so much*

*cuddles helen lots* remember im always here aswell if you wanna talk, hope you feel better soon.

Helen - of course you can PM me whenever hun. Hope your alright.

*is glomped by april* lol
*hugs lia and nicole*

Thanks darling, but you have so much on your plate. Well everyone does. Will send you the PM too if you're okay to cope with it?
Laura - Off to PM you =]

of course im okay with it sweetie, im feeling better now, dont worry, i like to try and help, it gives me a distraction

I might be a bit late, but yes, you can pm me if you want to. My mail box is always open. :)

Sometimes it would be so much easier to just be able to run away .... but then I remember that I would still be there

I'm so sorry. I'm sorry for being selfish, but it's hit. It's finally sinking in and I just can't...oh no. No. *Begins to cry, softly.*

What's the matter Kahlia? It would be a very good thing for you to still be here, we would all miss you loads here on the ward. You deserve to be here (ward, life, Earth) as much as anyone. *Hugs*

Lia, Laura & Nicole, you should have a PM off me. Thank you & sorry.
Kahlia, sorry you want to run away =[ Please don't. It won't solve this.

*hugs all who want hugs*

not up for replies, been a lot going on since I was last in here.

*hides in corner out of people way*

I'm alone in here. Alone and scared and...oh what's the actual point. I want to scream and trash my room right about now. At the same time, I don't care. I have no energy. It's real. It's so very real and I can't deal with that.

You alright Oliver? *Leaves jar of hugs if you want them*
x

*hugs Oliver*

Lia, thank you for your PM sweetheart, struggled but managed to formulate a reply back :)

Lia, Hels: I'm sorry. I just can't keep doing this. It feels like I'm getting nowhere. The anxiety just keeps getting worse. I haven't heard back from the psychiatrist - and I know that means that he is either not where he has email access or that he is trying to work out what to do - but it means that I am lost. I'd like to "outrun my skin and just be pure wind". I'd like to leave my body, mind and soul behind. I am so sick of fighting to do my daily ADLs. To just sit and type, to just complete each simple task. It just makes me feel so useless. Like running away is the only option .... but you can't run away from yourself. . .

Kahlia. Darling. I know things are REALLY REALLY REALLY bad right now and you're struggling. Please don't kill yourself or run away. It won't fix this. You will get better, I promise. Just keep reaching out. Hell, go inpatient if it'll keep you safe. I know you hate it but we can't lose you. You won't always feel this bad.

Sorry, useless words I know. But I love & care about you a lot xxx

Kahlia- I second what Helen said. You have held on this long for a reason, and I know you want to run. I know you want to run fast and far enough so you can escape yourself, but wherever you go you just drag yourself and your problems right along with you and at the end of the day, running is going to do no good. You've resisted urges for this long, and it was a huge step you made to go to the shopping centre without freaking out too much, so really well done on that. Focus on things like that, good things that are a step forward in your recovery. You can beat this, don't give up yet, you're stronger than that. *Huge Hugs*

xxx

*hugs all*
feeling depressed, trying to cheer myself up by organising and looking at clothes for manchester pride, theme is through the ages and going as a victorian gentleman.

*hugs Kahlia* I know things are hard, but like the other 2 have said please don't run away or kill yourself, we would miss you greatly in here.

*hugs Hels*

*hugs Lia*

I feel like giving up too lol :(