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Scarletdreamer 30-01-2010 12:44 PM

*huggles Helen* What happened that's a "huge bloody mess"? Hope you can fix up things a bit, as upsets etc. like that are no good (I am assuming that it has to do with other people - perhaps I oughtn't assume?).

I just got friend-accepted on Facebook by Doris Smeltzer!! :D (She wrote Andrea's Voice: Silenced by Bulimia which I've read twice & is keeping me from giving in to the urges... it was about her 19 year old daughter :( so sad.) But anyway, I was really happy to get that accept!! lol. May sound silly, but oh well.

*cuddles everyone*

Kahlia1981 30-01-2010 01:12 PM

*hugs everyone and could really do with some hugs or warm wishes herself*

LauraFriend && April: I think that the idea with the pause button is, if you aren't able to pause before you get into a situation. then you can get the skills you need to cope with it

MammaMia 30-01-2010 01:31 PM

*cuddles April & Kahlia*

Wow, you lucky thing :D Although I got another authort on my facebook aha. She's written books about children in foster care. Covering a range of issues like cutting/abuse/etc :)

I'll pm about the mess thing, incase someone reads it, it wont help later..

Scarletdreamer 30-01-2010 01:31 PM

*cuddles Kahlia & sends some snuggly-warm wishes on her way!!* ♥

Ahh I see now. That makes sense. :)

Feeling **** still?

[Awakening] 30-01-2010 08:20 PM

Had a good day with Ethan, stressful, but when is life with a toddler not?

Parting tore my heart to pieces. Shattered.

Now the drink and fags come in....

I was feeling optimistic. I was hopeful. I was looking forward to the rest of the weekend. I was feeling like I could handle placement on Monday, for the week.

Now I feel ****. Now I feel broken. Now I feel hopeless.

One tiny good bye and I'm down again. Lord, help me up!

Sorry no supprt from my end, again, tonight. I love you all dearly, I hope you're not suffering too much sweeties.

*lots of cuddles to all on the ward*

feeling really shitty right now :-(

Scarletdreamer 31-01-2010 01:20 AM

*cuddles Jocelyn*

I'm glad that you got to spend time with Ethan, but I'm sorry that it was stressful. However, you're right - what time spent with a toddler isn't?!

What made/makes you feel broken & hopeless? Sorry if I missed that in your post... :-S

*more cuddles*

SoMuchMore 31-01-2010 02:16 AM

*cuddles helen, kahlia, april, and jocelyn*

hope you guys are all feeling alright.

brndedhero 31-01-2010 03:05 AM

Missed the past 2 days of posts so I'm sending out hugs to everyone in here.

I hope things get better for everyone soon.

MammaMia 31-01-2010 03:25 AM

*cuddles everyone*

Sorry I went off and didn't really explain. Sorry I didn't come back tonight like normal. Plus sorry I didn't send a pm April, probably for the best I didn't anymore. Sorted it out anyway I think :)

Tonight's been, how can I put it, really emotional. But I've realised some things tonight, thank goodness I did it now, when I can change it and if something I want happens, then it does, and not because I forced it to happed, made mistakes & got hurt along the way...

Scarletdreamer 31-01-2010 10:44 AM

*cuddles LauraStar* How're you doing, love? (and it is fine with us if you do talk about what's going on in your head/life!! ♥)

*hugs Alan* How're things going for you?

*cuddles Helen* I'm glad that things got sorted out... that's good. :) And I'm glad that you realized those things... way to go!! Sounds like if whatever it is does happen, it will be in a healthy way rather than in an unhealthy way - and that's awesome. :D

I just got up about 20 minutes ago... morning routine, lol, of RYL & WoW. It's only 5:45am here so am going to be tired tonight. Went to bed just past 9 last night. Ugh. :-/ I hate feeling sleepy.

I also hate feeling distracted & unable to concentrate!!! and that's how I've been feeling lately. :( Like, ever since I started the Depakote. So yeah. I'm blaming the Depakote... my NP said it COULD be that but "let's give it another few weeks" - AHHHH!!!!! I need - need - to be able to focus for school, especially this term, ESPECIALLY this term!!!! :ermm:

Anyway.

*hides* :o

Imaginary_friend 31-01-2010 12:16 PM

*hugs everyone*
sorry - can't do individual replies, my head is all over the place.
April - i can't concentrate either. literally, 10-15 minutes and that's it. haha. managed to write an essay though..somehow. maybe it's just how i work best. f*** knows. hmph. oh wells. at least it's done. only another....40000 words to go....:/
had a good day yesterday - avatar is officially amazing. can i go and live on pandora please? but today is gonna be weird....this guy i've been having all the dramas with is coming over later to pick up tickets for this gig we're going to and i haven't actually seen him properly since before christmas and before all this **** happened...*sighs* maybe i'll just not be in....urgh. but i wanna see him. i dunno what's going on in my head...
*hides in the corner*

MammaMia 31-01-2010 12:30 PM

*hides in the denial tent*

Strawberry.Bananas 31-01-2010 12:44 PM

I can't cope anymore. Nothing has gone right so far this year and I can't carry on like this. I went out last night to try and have a good time and get over Graeme, but I ended up missing him even more, having 50 and my phone stolen from my bag.
I want to die. I have no idea what to do anymore. I don't know how I can stay safe. The crisis team will be no use, they wont put me in hospital cause I'm not severe enough. I don't know what to do.

[Awakening] 31-01-2010 12:48 PM

Oh Vicki hon, I'm so sorry about your phone and money! Thats awful, it can make u feel really vulnerable and pointless. I'm so sorry sweetie.
Please be strong. There is a light at the end of the tunnel. I know its hard to see but its there. We all love you and want you to fight for your life, so please do sweetie!

Have you got any friends you can hang out with today?

I'm sorry the crisis team suck (i can second that!) but if u really don't feel safe and u feel u need to be admitted then u need to make that clear to them. You need to be blunt and tell them what you need hon.

Have you got anything planned for today?

Strawberry.Bananas 31-01-2010 01:13 PM

I honestly can't see that light anymore. It seems to be getting darker and darker if anything. Nothing's going right. At all.

Not really...I have my family around but I just want to...

Maybe...I had an appointment with my doctor tomorrow anyway so I'll talk to him and see what he says...I can imagine he'll just tell me to hold and see what happens though. That's what I'm always told.

My plans for today are calling the police and sorting out insurance now, yay! I might take my niece out in a bit if I find the strength...

[Awakening] 31-01-2010 01:21 PM

Thats a good idea to take you niece out. that might keep u distracted.

I'm sorry again that things are so bleak, but they will lighten, given time.

I wish I could help :( Just try to be completely honest and open with your dr and try not to entertain any negative plans sweetie.


*squishes*
x x x x

Scarletdreamer 31-01-2010 01:35 PM

*cuddles Jocelyn, Vicki, LauraFriend, & Helen*

Vicki, love, I'm so sorry that that happened to you last night, especially when you were trying to forget about Graeme. What happened was/is awful & I'm glad that you're planning on calling the police. *squish* Please try to get help as well - there IS light at the end of the tunnel, you just might not be to a place yet where you can see it... but there is, you've got to keep believing that!! ♥

Joc, how you doing, sweetie? *huggles*

Helen, what's up? *hides in the denial tent with you*

LauraFriend, I told you that Avatar was amazing!! :D I'm so glad that you liked it... I wish I could have as idyllic a life as they did on Pandora (not the humans, the aliens, forget their name!! :o). Well, not necessarily idyllic as there were enemies etc., but it sure looked lovely!! :) especially compared to being a human on that planet. >_<

Do you have any idea why your concentration is so bad? Mine is seriously awful, bugging me to no end!! *hugs*

*sigh*

[Awakening] 31-01-2010 01:47 PM

*snuggles into April* I'm alright I think. I feel a bit dead but that's better than feeling crap so... I think it was the saying bye to Ethan thing that set me off, then my ex started to have a go at me because i had E unsupervised, tis a stupid rule and i'm tlking to my solicitor about getting it dropped it just give my ex amunition against me, power over me and that isnt good for me or Ethan. He was screaming when i left him :-( and it just all set me off.

How are you doing April? You going/ been to church today? x x

Scarletdreamer 31-01-2010 01:55 PM

*snuggles Jocelyn* This is probably an insensitive question & I do apologize - you can answer in a PM or not at all, if you want - but why do you have to be supervised with Ethan? (sorry, totally don't mean it to be insensitive, am just curious as have not heard all of the backstory)

Anyway, glad you're not feeling crap but feeling dead inside a bit isn't much/any better, really, is it? *more snuggles* Hopefully as the day goes on you'll feel even more better. :)

No, not going to church... we do usually go to church but I have a lot of schoolwork to get done - if only I could ****ing concentrate!!! This is driving me absolutely insane. :crying: I hate not being able to focus or take in material!!!

*hides away forever'n'ever*

[Awakening] 31-01-2010 02:04 PM

Not insensitive at all dw April. At the end of dec while Ethan was with his dad i took some sleepers in the bath, ended up at a&e, was fine but very out of it lol and talked to some psychs. told them i wasnt trying to kill myself (the quantity wasnt enough to anyway and the bath was just because i forgot to get out!) i was wanted/needed a rest. So we decided it would be best if ethan stayed with his dad for a while because i wasn't well (depression wise)

Anywho... a doctor, dont know who, even though they agreed and it was in my notes that it clearly wasnt a sui attempt, wrote to social services stated that they werent concerned about ethan because i tried to kill myself!

Social called up my ex and told them that i should be supervised around ethan and that he should seek legal advice if he was worried. So he did.

We went to court ( i really wasnt well, in no state to look after a child and i had made this clear by asking for help, not trying to do it alone and therefore not putting ethan in any danger)

Because of what social services said, even though they never once spoke to me, the court ruled that ethan should stay with H (ex) until i'm better and that i should only be allowed supervised contact, unless H says differently. All a bit of a joke if u ask me. I'm fine with E staying with H because that makes sense, but we didnt need a court to tell us that! Im not thick, if i feel i cant look after E alone then i surround myself with people to help! I always ask for help when needed and now im penalised for it. I know theyre trying to protect E but they have never even spoken or assessed me.

Sorry rant over!

MammaMia 31-01-2010 02:07 PM

*cuddles everyone*

Keep fighting Vicki, it will get better.
April, I'm sorry you have no concentration.
Joc, sounds pretty **** hunny *cuddles*

Ugh, today is not going the way it was planned :'( One best friend is giving me all this talk of leaving etc. The other isn't answering her godamm phone so now I'm getting worried sick. When deep down I know she's probably STILL talking to her hubby or is asleep :'( But I need her. She promised me...

Imaginary_friend 31-01-2010 06:12 PM

i can't do this. i can't cope with seeing him. how pathetic. i need to grow up. and get over him. like, now. argh. i'm such a retard. i can't do this. i wanna cut :'(
*ties self to a bed and cries*

Scarletdreamer 31-01-2010 08:58 PM

*holds LauraFriend, Helen, & Jocelyn*

I'm sorry you all are feeling so down, loves... wish I could help more than I can. :(

Joc, thanks for informing me what happened without being offended. That's really rough & I can see why it would be a ranty topic to be brought up. Sorry!! :-S How are you doing now?

I have a ton of work to do & have no concentration for it... my portfolio is due this week & I have practically nothing for it. I'm really scared. I don't even have a binder for it!! or anything... I feel so stupid. :crying: I just wish I could fastforward through this term & get through it okay...

Just got back from my parents' place. It was nice but I think I ate too much, and of course wanted to purge. Didn't, of course, but still... I hate the urges. :( I am so sick of my life.

I see my therapist tomorrow morning... like that's going to make my day go well. I hope it does but I highly doubt it!!

*hides* :'(

Imaginary_friend 31-01-2010 09:28 PM

fml. really, fml. i can't do this anymore.....

[Awakening] 31-01-2010 09:32 PM

*hugs LauraFriend* thats not pathetic, its change and we humans are crap at change. Be nice to yourself. Did u manage to resist cutting? I hope ur looking after yourself and keeping safe, whatever you did or didn't do. Im sorry ur struggling with this so much :-(

Oh April Sweetie. I'm sorry u felt so crap after eating a lot, i get like that too sometimes, i love to eat and often cant stop myself and then i feel really ill and want to purge to feel better - disordered eating in my case, not an ed. I hope seeing your therapist does help hon. Dont worry too much about ur work sweetie, i always procrastic with everything, i know it can make u feel shitty but u'll get it done, i know u will. Just a couple days of hardwork, you'll get the motivation, it will come at some point. Could u let the prof know whats going on and that ur struggling? from my experience teacher/prof types love to be kept in the loop.

I'm feeling really wound up, i dont know why but i'm a ball of stress atm! I need a release, all i can think of is the warm feeling of cutting but i know that wont help. I just want a release. I've tried throwing things and destroying things. When i was driving all i wanted to do was slam my foot on the peddle and speed. Eek! It doesnt feel like its my own emotion, it doesn't feel like an emotion. I dont know what this is, i dont know why im feeling it.

hope everyones ok x x

Imaginary_friend 31-01-2010 09:35 PM

i dont think he gets how much he's ****ing around with my head. i can't deal with this. i really really can't do this anymore. if he wanted me or didn't want me, i could deal with it. but this ****ing around i can't deal with.
i want to vanish
x

SoMuchMore 31-01-2010 11:15 PM

*huggles everyone* sorry no individual responses.. there have been so many since i was last on.

hm.. going to dinner w/ my bf and that other girl.. should be interesting... and prolly awkward.
On a different note.. i was actually able to write something. I love writing but the muse hasn't hit me in awhile. Was nice.

brndedhero 01-02-2010 12:03 AM

Feeling really lonely right now, kind of want to destroy something

Kahlia1981 01-02-2010 12:19 AM

*cuddles everyone*

Sorry no individual replies .... I don't want to forget anyone.

I just got back from a visit with my new private pdoc. I'm seeing him at his private clinic but the government is paying for it. It went okay.

He has upped my seroquel to 1000mgs and is talking about adding an anti-depressant that has no serotonin in it - because I can't handle AD's with serotonin and they want to stay away from the tri- and tetra- cyclics. Purely conjecture at this stage.

He told me that because he was seeing me privately it was still my responsibility to call the crisis line or go to the hospital if I was in a crisis. Not that either the crisis line or the hospital would actually do anything useful. I think that they would be unable to find their arse (should they have an arse) with both hands (should they have hands). They are completely incompetent. A good nuking would improve the stock 10000000 fold

Meh.

Scarletdreamer 01-02-2010 12:21 AM

Sorry, am not in a place for many individual responses but wanted to say, Alan, I know kind of how you're feeling right now. Please take care of yourself the best you can...

Just posted in my venting spot, didn't want to flood this thread so you can read it if you want to. No pressure.

:(

MammaMia 01-02-2010 12:57 AM

*cuddles all*

SoMuchMore 01-02-2010 02:44 AM

*hugs alan* im sorry you feel lonely. Be careful if u are feeling destructive. As april said, take care of yourself.

*hugs april* good luck with ur therapist tomorrow. Maybe you should talk to her about how u've been feeling about her... Hope you are less anxious soon.

*hugs kahlia* glad things went ok with ur new pdoc. Im sorry that the hospitals aren't helpful out there :-( that really sucks.

*cuddles helen*

*hugs everyone else*

Ugh.. class tomorrow.. Im tired of this semester already.. time for new classes.

Kahlia1981 01-02-2010 03:01 AM

*cuddles everyone*

I'm starting to feel that I don't fit in anywhere. This depressed mood has been going on so long now and I can't see an end in sight. I just want to run away. I keep feeling it would be better for everyone if I was dead, but I don't want to hurt people the same way that I was heart when Jem suicided. I'm scared that I'm seriously going to hurt myself.

Maybe I should just give in, or sit in a dark corner until I disappear.

I'm sorry for being such a gloomy bitch.

[Awakening] 01-02-2010 10:28 AM

Kahlia, Keira and LauraFriend, be strong. You're worth more than these feelings and thoughts that are consuming you. Hold on to life, even be it seems to be the only thing that doesnt make sense. Hold on loves. *cudles to you all* I know how you are feeling, stay strong with me, I cant do it on my own x x x

*Hugs Alan* Dont think we've properly met, i'm Jocelyn welcome to the ward :-) I know the feeling of wanting to destroy something. Did u manage to get it out? were u safe? I hope today goes better for u x

*Cuddles Helen* How are you feeling hon?

*Squishes LauraStar* I hope you have a good day at uni. What are u studying? Are you coping ok with it?

*Attacks April with squashy cuddles* I havent read your rant thread yet, i'll go and have a little looksies now. I hope you're alright sweetie. How's your work load going hon? x x x

I dont really know what im feeling, still feeling like i need a release, but not as intense as last night. I have a long day at the hospital today, my first back at work since i've not been v well. little bit scary. but i need to go and get some camouflage stuff tonight for my arms. eek i'm really very nervous!

[Awakening] 01-02-2010 10:35 AM

April, hold on sweetie! Jarrod loves you, all of you. You are not the burden that u are feeling like atm. Life wont always seem this bleak love. I'm so sorry you are feeling like this. I love you so much April, you are such a valuable part of our family here, we need you and love you and want the best for you. Stay strong sweetie, ride out the storm x x x x

Scarletdreamer 01-02-2010 12:03 PM

Good morning everyone... time for replies. :)

*cuddles Kahlia* You're not a "gloomy bitch," sweetie. You're simply ("simply") struggling with a lot of feelings & thoughts right now that in a perfect world just would not exist. We're here to support you - don't worry about individual replies right now unless you feel up to it - that's fine. Feel free to keep posting though because we care about you & want to make sure that you're still hanging in there. *more cuddles* ♥

*huggles Kiera* What's up, hon? what's "making" you feel this way - anything external to yourself?

*cuddles Helen* How're you doing, love?

*huggles LauraFriend* Maybe have a talk with him to let him know your feelings on the matter? (about not being able to take him "****ing around")... because that would probably be the best thing I can think of. But sweetie, I'm really sorry that you're feeling so rubbish. :( Is there anything that I can do to help??

*cuddles LauraStar* I understand totally about the uni stuff!! Holy ****, do I understand... :( Wish I didn't though... I wish I could resign up for a new term with different classes (that still filled my requirements for graduation)... so yeh. YUCK. I wish that you felt better about your classes too. ♥

*tackle-squishes Jocelyn* :) Thanks for the support, & for taking the time to read my venting spot. Not a lot of people do, or at least give me feedback - which is fine, I know that journals are more meant for that - but I don't want to fill up my journal with rantings!! lol. Anyway... I know that Jarrod loves me, but it feels - and I know that feelings can't really be trusted - like I'm a burden, just baggage. :(

Good luck at the hospital today!! I hope that it goes splendiforously. *cuddles*

I'm really tired... forced myself to get up at 6:30am even though I could've slept in until seven. My mum's picking me up in a bit to go to my therapist's as my car isn't working still (she - the car - is going to be fixed tonight, well, dropping her off tonight to be fixed tomorrow morning). So I have to be ready for that... & I wanted to get on WoW for a bit too... ugh. I feel so stupid. I am so slow... I really need to get this portfolio for uni ready but it's taking me forever as I have hardly anything for it... it feels like I am sinking, drowning in the waters of uni. Hopefully it's not due today!!!! *cowers*

*hides*

:crying:

Kahlia1981 01-02-2010 12:04 PM

*hugs everyone then curls up in a corner crying*

Scarletdreamer 01-02-2010 12:46 PM

Awh Kahlia, love, is there anything I can do to help? *holds you gently as you cry*

I'm beginning to feel like crap myself. :( Dunno why, guess dreading the appt with my therapist?

:ermm:

MammaMia 01-02-2010 02:59 PM

*cuddles everyone, try stay safe guys, please* Kahlia, I would hate for you to commit suicide :( I've known you for what over a year now, maybe closer to two, not sure. But you've come through so much - you can do this babe.

For those who asked how I am, I feel really awful. My chest is really really hurting. Has been on/off past couple days (flashbacks triggered it I think) but today is the worst =( Normally doctors put it down to anxiety/stress, not sure if it is just that, because I am really stressed or something else :( Making me feel like I can't breathe, thus trying to make me panic, thus panic attack. Having a bit of a bad day, didn't sleep for ages, woke up at 10am, rang my best friend and didn't want to face the world, so went back to sleep and slept til 2pm (now 3pm ha). Attempting to tidy my room today :/ or least make a start on it. Just want to curl up and die for a while, too much pain. Plus scared that if I cry, that I'll start off a breakdown of sorts like I had last year, I don't want to go through that agin, don't want to put my best friends through that, I never want to self harm (ha will probably happen), od or attempt suicide again. :'(

I have to be strong for everyone right now. One of my best friends says I don't with her, but deep down, I do have to really, although she's on her way back up :) 3 weeks til I go see her woop.

Supossed to be seeing my boyfriend in 3 days. We have a long distance relationship. It sucks. We haven't seen each other since last March (when we were first together). Bit nervous about it, espically as he's probably stopping over....

Scarletdreamer 01-02-2010 04:28 PM

*cuddles Helen* Sounds like you've been going through an awful lot, love. Wish I could help more than I can. :( I'm sorry about your chest hurting leading to a panic attack; been there done that before.

"Shouldn't" you be more excited about seeing your boyfriend? Long-distance relationships do suck; my husband & I were 1200 miles away from each other from 2006-2007 (although long-distance friends from 2004), which was awful... especially as in December 2006 I got engaged. So yeah. It was pretty icky... I missed him sooo much. But what's making you nervous, Helen? other than the "haven't seen him in almost a year" thing? *hugs* In any case, I hope that it goes well for you. Have you been in touch a lot since last March?

Sending chocolates (calorie-free of course!! :D), love, & hugs to all of you... ♥

SoMuchMore 01-02-2010 06:33 PM

*hugs jocelyn* hope you have an okay day at work. I am studying journalism (with a focus in web design) and psychology... I usually cope with school fine but this semester really sucks. I have tons and tons of work. I think what is worse to is that I thought this would be a more "fun" semester, but my classes didn't turn out that way at all.

*hugs april* Maybe our classes will get easier as time goes on (but i kinda doubt it... heh, wishful thinking..) Hope you are feeling better. Let us know how the therapist goes.

*cuddles kahlia* please don't give in! Hang in there hun.

*hugs helen* sorry about the chest pain leading to panic attacks.. That sounds like it sucks really bad. Try to keep busy/distracted so that you don't breakdown (i know that's easier said then done..) Long distance relationships can be really hard... although mine was only long distance for like 3 months... but still...

Way way way overslept today. Good thing i don't have class until this afternoon but i was hoping to get some stuff done. Guess not..
Trying to fight some pretty bad urges. I feel like every little stress is triggering my bad thinking, which is quite ridiculous.. I feel stupid.

MammaMia 01-02-2010 06:50 PM

*cuddles April and Laura*

Have been really busy this afternoon. New month, new motivation? :P Have cleaned the living/dining room (wasn't that messy), tided, cleaned & hoovered the kitchen, tided & hoovered the hall & stairs, started tidying my room, done a load of wash and another one waiting to start, oh and cooked me and my mum dinner =D Well my family say how I rarely do anything without being asked, never cook for me and mum etc :p So yeah, finally listening :P

I have to say April, that I have been going through an awful lot. Some of which I haven't posted about, partly because of people it concerns are on here and I could get done for flaming (Y) You do help, believe me. Chest hurting and panic attacks suck. I should be more excited, I think I'm still in the mindset of not beliving it til I see it. I am a little excited. Ouch 1200 miles apart suck, luckily ours is less than 100 (well I think, may be more). Not suprised you missed him so much.

The following content has been hidden - Reason : adult/could be triggering for sa
I think I'm nervous of how things might turn out *whistles* I don't know? I haven't..you know..since that word nearly 6 years ago. Haven't really had any good relationships or even long ones til this one. Haven't even wanted to. I'm trying not to think about what may/may not happen or I'll put far too much pressure on myself :/ Which I have been doing..Argh this so embrassing haha!! *hugs both of you*


Thank you, I'm sure it will go well :) We've been in & out of contact since last March. We broke up, got back together, broke up for a second time, didn't really talk, started being friends, tried for a 3rd time, I panicked and ditched him, we didn't then really talk much til Sept/Oct, and then we got back for a 4th time in November. Haven't split up since, we've had our arguments/troubles but we're trying to make more of an effort and stuff =( But I've been refusing to go see him til he visits me. It's not fair on me. So been waiting for him to visit since Apirl (he nearly made it up in April & June, but we split before he could come haha).

Thank you Laura for yourp ost aswell :) *cuddles* Don't feel stuipd btw x

Kahlia1981 01-02-2010 07:27 PM

*hugs everyone*

April: I don't think so I'm afraid. I'm going to ask to try Topomax as a new mood-stabilizer when I next see my pdoc - which will be sometime in March. And I'm really worried because I see my new tdoc on Thursday and I think they are going to charge me $160.00 which is going to mean I can only see them infrequently ... even with my mental health plan which is supposed to give me free sessions.

I just don't know what to do.

*continues crying*

SoMuchMore 01-02-2010 08:45 PM

*cuddles helen* wow you seem to have a ton on ur mind. Try not to put pressure on yourself. Just make sure you stay within what your comfortable with.. which u prolly don't even know yet since u haven't seen him.. play it by ear i guess. Seems like you guys have had an up and down relationship, its good that you are getting to see him. I think i would be really nervous too if i was in ur position.

p.s. when u were talking about tidying up your place and you said that you "hoovered" i laughed b/c my boyfriends last name is hoover.. and we call it vacuuming.. so whenever i hear someone call vacuuming hoovering i think its hilarious.. sorry u prolly had no desire to know that but o well lol.

*cuddles kahlia* sorry things are so hard and that you still are not getting as much help as it seems that you need. Its good that you are still trying though with seeing new doctors and all...

Stay safe everyone.

Imaginary_friend 01-02-2010 10:12 PM

*hugs everyone*
i want to get out of my head. *bangs head against the wall*
and i don't want to sleep. i had some really horrible dreams/thoughts when i was trying to sleep last night and they freaked me out...
and my counsellor was not much help today. she told me i have issues with alcohol. talk about stating the f***ing obvious....
ARGH *bangs head on table*

~*Rainbow*~ 01-02-2010 10:58 PM

*hugs Imaginary* Do you want to talk about it darlin??

*hugs Kahlia* dont cry sweetheart - would you like some cookies and warm milk?? and maybe a hug from Mr Monkey??

just realised that thanks to here im a year and a half clear - but the triggers and urges wont go away

[Awakening] 01-02-2010 11:19 PM

*creeps in and hides in the corner*

I'm dreading tomorrow. I have make up for my v visible scars incase they wont let me wear any sleeves or my tubi grip. I'm gonna be on my feet from 7.30am to 8pm and right now my energy levels are so low that i really cant envisage how i will manage..... lots of caffeine me thinks, coffee and pro plus all day long :-/ eek!

Sorry I may try and catch up in a couple days but i have 2 long shifts in a row so i prob wont be around for the next couple days.

Love you all, beautiful people. Keep fighting these shitty illnesses and keep holding on to loved ones and things.

*attempts to start a group hug*

((I've come over all emotional now, i want to cry. bloody depression!))

Scarletdreamer 01-02-2010 11:59 PM

Lots of posts... :) That's a good thing but I wish you all weren't struggling so much!! *cuddles everyone*

One of our pipes burst (in the ceiling, we're on the bottom floor & this is a 3-story build - WTF?!?) so the kitchen got DRENCHED. I had to interrupt soc class to leave to talk with my husband about it as he discovered it when he got home. :( Some of my books, school papers, and papers for my NP's new office got drenched... yuckie. I hate that!! A bad ending to a crappy day. :(

*hides in a corner*

Kahlia1981 02-02-2010 02:41 AM

*cuddles everyone*

Is it bad when even your physio thinks that you should be in the psych ward?

*disappears into a dark corner to cry*

Imaginary_friend 02-02-2010 10:02 AM

rainbow - that's fab :) yay *hugs* its annoying you still get urges though. stay strong :)

Joc - when you read this, i hope you've had a good day or two and that it wasn't as bad as you thought :) *hugs*

April - that really sucks. hope you manage to get it sorted asap! *hugs*

Kahlia - just....*hugs* we're all thinking of you. can i do anything?

i'm just.....in a weird place at the moment and i can't seem to get out of it. but, on the plus side (?!) i haven't been drunk in 5 days. which is quite impressive. i haven't even had 1 drink. hmph. i want one now though and it's like 10am...haha. i won't don't worry.
i feel so on edge all the time. like all this self destructive behaviour is, at some point, just gonna get out of control and something's gonna happen. i don't know what and i don't even want to think about it. i'm avoiding thinking about a lot of things at the moment......
*hides in a corner*


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