And I agree as well... you're not a crappy mum, Jocelyn, you just want your son not to see you when you're struggling etc, as a_m said ^^. *gentle hugs*

My stomach hurts. :( It feels like I ate too much... although I'm pretty sure that I didn't. It was really weird - we went out to lunch and I was the only girl with three guys... lots of testosterone... heh. :-/

But my personal trainer (the one my husband & I are visiting right now) said that I can lose ALL of the fat that I don't need in a few months!! without having to resort to ED'd stuff. YEY!!! I'm still kind of skeptical but I sure hope he's right... because maybe then I will actually FEEL better about my body (which I currently hate...).

*cuddles everyone*

you'll have to tell me if that works out april. i'd like to try to lose some of my extra without falling back into an ed ish pattern...

*hugs and cuddles to all*

*heads off to curl up and fall apart in the corner with my plushie*

gah, this research...

I know it's voluntary, I kknow I'm CHOOSING to write it... but it brings back memories. I can't work out if that makes me the best person to write this, or the worst

*cuddles everyone lots*

*hugs everyone*

Went to the GP this morning and filled in the blanks for him. He was asking me whether I thought the lack of sleep, vomiting and so forth were related to a gastro bug or were psychological. I told him flat out that I didn't know what had started it, but it was possible that it was triggering psych stuff and then becoming recursive. He gave me a script for an antiemetic to help me out in the short term.

Meh. I didn't talk to him about the dangerous thoughts ... I don't know why, I just didn't. They are definitely still and there and very strong right at the moment. I guess that I'm hoping they will settle, against all prior experience. *sigh*

*retreats to a dark corner to try and get some sleep*

Well done for talking to your doctor, you really should have mentioned the dangerous houghts *cuddels*

*hugs Helen* - Thanks. I know I should have talked to him about them ... I really don't know why I didn't. I see him again next week - Tuesday I think - so we'll see if I can last until then.

thanks guys. I crumbled when i left. he started crying saying he didn't want me to go, he wanted to come with me. I was strong but i crashed when i left. I'm only allowed supervised access atm, it makes me feel like a leppar, like a peado or something... and all because i couldnt hold it together when my son wasnt around. It's stings. I would never do anything to hurt him. ever.

I have to get up to see a solicitor now, i'm being taking to court on friday to get something legal saying ethan stays with his dad til im better. It's hard because i know it's what I need but they're talking about it like it's what Ethan needs - again, like he's in danger when he's alone with me.

Sorry i cant be suportive right now *hugs to everyone*

is it ok to just curl up and cry till im gone?

*hugs everyone*

Well it's after 11pm at night and I'm starting to get back into the "do I sleep, don't I sleep" pattern of thinking. Meh. I'll be okay. I'm just getting tired of not sleeping and not being able to sleep. Dangerous thoughts very active. *sigh* I'm so tired of dealing with them now. I'd dearly love a 24 hour hiatus.

*cuddles everyone then disappears into a dark corner with a teddy bear and a pillow to try and get some sleep*

*cuddles everyone*

As far as I know, you can curl up & cry, downunder, but not til you're "gone" ... what's up?

*huggles Jocelyn* That must be really tough, but at least you know that you are doing the best for your son, right? I can't imagine... but also, you know that he's safe when he's with you, it's just that you struggle to care for him (and I don't blame you - young kids are a lot of work!!).

*holds Kahlia gently* Could you phone your GP? If these thoughts are as dangerous as you think they are then you need to get help before you act on them, love. But I'm glad that you went to your GP's in the first place and got an antiemetic. :) That's good. How're you feeling this morning/night?

Helen, how're you doing? *hugs*

*cuddles Franz* How you doing?

How was everyone's New Year's Eve/New Year's? We didn't celebrate, really - instead, got up at 2:45am and were out the door by 4am to go "daown Saouth." Heh. Man, was I - and am I!! - ever tired!! >_< I've been going to bed around 11:30pm-midnight and getting up around 6:30-6:45am, so yeah. I'm used to going to bed around 7:30pm-8pm, but no go here. I don't really mind - more time with our friend. :)

*more cuddles*

Sinking and drowning. What's the point?

*hugs joc* sorry i don't have words right now just hugs but i agree with what april said...

i'm gonna go hide now...

*hugs everyone*

~overwhelmed~

i'd like to be sedated right about now....
*hugs everyone who wants a hug*

*hugs imaginary_friend*
me too... me too.

*cuddles everyone and sets out some hot chocolate*

curls into ball and hides, i hurt so much. want to dissapear please ?

no dissapearing.

*curls up in corner and sleeps*
should be happy cuz can stay but meh.

Wish I could sleep.

Sleep?? What is this sleep thing??

*hugs everyone*

*cuddles ppl in the psych_ward*

to scarlett dreamer, there too much to say as to why, i just had enough.
I can't make this alone anymore, i have tried so hard and failed so often, i just can't anymore, all i want is a quiet place to curl up in where for once i can feel safe. A place with no mirrors, no nightmares, no nothing. Just a place to rest in peace

Wish me luck. Court tomorrow. Should be okay, just very scary. I feel dead. I don't want to feel anymore.

*hugs everyone*

good luck sweetie <3

Good luck sweet <3

Thanks guys, that means so much to me x

good luck, joc. i know you'll be ok :)
*hugs*

Urgh, I am in a crap position right now with a friend.

Oh well.

I really don't feel good. Mentally.

:(

*hugs april* you okay? sorry ur not feeling well.

*walks over to corner and collapses* i quit.

Hugs to Kiera.

I CAN'T F'ING STUDY. My brain won't work and the Voices are talking again....

*cuddles Laura* What's up, sweetie?

I'm home alone right now and I really want to cut & b/p. There's a ton - a TON - of food in the fridge that we made last night and they wouldn't notice if a bit was gone, would they? And there are knives in the kitchen, too, and food in our room (the one that we "borrowed" from our friend's daughter - we're still at his house). AAHHHH!!!! *wants to cry*

Last night was so tough. Vince wanted to know why I looked down and when he guessed that someone did something to me that made me hate myself so much, it all unraveled. Didn't cry but it feels like I have a PTSD hangover right now... hate the memories, hate the thoughts, hate them!!!! I want to die... I am so sick of my life right now. It's so hard to think positive thoughts, so difficult to control the urges, so so difficult!!!! :(

Hugs? support? :'(

*cuddles kiera*

*hugs steel maiden* Sorry you cant study and about the voices.

*hugs april* things sound really hard for you right now :-( I know its hard to control urges but keep fighting them. You are a great person hun. Stay strong.

I'm fine i guess... kinda numb today... Things are just getting harder and harder instead of easier.. and i'm kicking myself, b/c i was just starting to feel like i could figure things out. I can feel a relapse is on the way...

*hugs Kiera*

*hugs Olympia* (Did I get that right ??) - Voices make it so hard to study, try and be easy on yourself. And the feeling that your brain won't work ... I get that alot. Sometimes I read a passage and then have to reread it several times to make sense of it. I find it frustrating. I hope it eases up and that the voices don't get out of control.

*hugs April* I've got to echo Laura here hon. Fight those urges for as long as you can. I believe that you can beat them. I believe in you.

*hugs Laura* I wish I had some words for you Laura, just know that I'm thinking of you and hoping that you can get through this difficult time without having a relapse.

*hugs everyone*

I spent a majority of last night talking to an old high school friend. He reminded me of how much I lost through the ECT. I mean, it saved my life, but I paid an incredibly high price for it. I don't regret having it, I just wish it had left my memories alone. :( Now I feel tired and numb. I just want to disappear for awhile. I really want it all to be over. Can I get off this ride now please??

*curls up in a dark corner with a teddy bear and a pillow and tries to cry herself to sleep*

*cuddles kahlia* aw i'm sorry that the ect messed with your memories, i cant imagine how much that would suck... It would prolly bother me to no end. Don't disappear though. We would miss u.

And thanks for your kind words. I'm trying to keep distracted, but its getting harder. Hopefully things ease up when i go back to my university on monday.

*crying in corner, holding knife not know what else to do, but this.................

Keep talking to us downunder, we are here to support you.

*curls up*

Please let her be ok :'(

JESUS THIS IS SO ****ED UP!!! :(

Sorry but, I don't know what the hell to do anymore. I think I need to join a convent because I am so DONE with relationships. I don't understand. :(

*cuddles tight*

Make it stop Hels? :(

I wish I could. I wish I could make everything bad for me stop too becuase it needs to. I jsut need to die.

*cries*

*gives all in here hugs*

Gah. Just too confused right now as to what I want. i don't know what i want. Just too difficult right now. I wish it would all just go away

Screwed everything up.
Again.

*cuddles everyone*

So sorry you all are struggling... I am too. Ate a HUGE supper (okay, felt huge to me...) and now I really want to purge but can't... :( it sucks. It's been too long anyway... but that doesn't stop me from wanting to.

I hate myself... we worked out tonight & I felt better for a little while but now I feel like crrrrap and I don't know what to do about it. Thankfully I have time to get online now so can vent some but it doesn't help a great deal. :(

*needs hugs*

*hugs*

*hugs vicki, helen, yodabear, and april* I wish I had words for you guys. I'm sorry you are struggling. Hope things get better soon. Keep fighting urges and bad thoughts.

How are you laura?

Fighting some urges right now.. i'm okay at the moment tho. Dealing with 2 crappy situations with friends, but looking forward to going back to school on monday. Then at least the stress of home should lessen.

U feeling any better?