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blondiebear 31-05-2008 03:27 AM

Ally, for a paper; done, in on time, and about the subject is usually enough for a passing grade.

Jess, I've had so many second-degree/blistering sunburns that I've lost track. Yes that often and that severely.

Bathe or shower in cool or lukewarm water, not cold! Cold water will make your body sicker. Then an over the counter anti-inflammatory painkiller helps. What is use is ibuprofin/advil/motrin, normal doses, normal timing. It will help with the pain and the anti-inflammatory helps. Don't know what name for ibuprofin is used in the UK. Please tell me? Once it stops hurting, then go ahead and use moisturiser to help it heal. For a minor sunburn, I use aloe vera gel, then I keep it in the fridge.

Weather getting hot. Most of the places we saw were "semi-ghost" towns, diminished but not dead. Saw some nice stuff though. One of the towns was completely ghost, had three buildings, adobe melting back to the earth, the stones not so quickly. One of the roads, gawk, when please did I become afraid of heights?

My dear sweet husband got angry this morning at someone ahead of us in the quick checkout line at Wal*Mart, the other person was buying enough stuff for his weekend picnic. Husband had a temper tantrum. Sigh. Least said, soonest mended.

Hands out gatorade to those who are drunk or getting drunk.

Hugs all around!

MammaMia 31-05-2008 03:28 AM

I love you.

Jetforce 31-05-2008 03:35 AM

*cuddles every1*

Well..i'm a nursing student and i was sitting in with my faciliator who was seeing initiate clients suffering mental health problems...so yeah, i was just sitting there listening to see wat they do :-) *pulls ally along* i think u'll like it hon

~*forever_broken*~ 31-05-2008 03:45 AM

lol you're right Jeremy, I would :-) I love that sort of thing.

Helen, I love you too sweet heart and remember... Still holding *snuggles*

*hugs* love you Blondie-Mom. And you're right... But I haven't been doing too well in these classes. I am usually a B average student without trying but now I'm really hoping to get Cs.
Are you at least having fun, dear mother?

*returns to her wine* not that y'all want to know but was sick already but thankfully I've got more alcohol so no worries

MammaMia 31-05-2008 03:57 AM

I wonder how long we've stayed holding each other? Must be coming upto two months?

blondiebear 31-05-2008 04:19 AM

Actually I am having fun. Feel like a moron though, was in a bead shop in Santa Fe last week and forgot to get a white bead for my collection. This is after I asked bestest uncle to bring one back from Italy for me.

Last night I did a poor job of reading this week's step. Still, I did a quick overview of the pertinent points. It is one of those steps in AA that we only really do once, "Admitted to God, to ourselves and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs." Once the big one is done, it is maintainence. Actually I've had to do it five times, I'm such a mess and have worn out that many sponsors in AA so the new ones have had me do the searching and fearless moral inventory each time.

Bless my husband, he is letting me sit next to the a/c in my sleepshirt and he's been going back and forth doing laundry! And got some food from the car. S'mores flavor pop tarts for dinner.

Do calories count when you've been walking around deserted buildings that are falling down. Avoiding cow plops and ant hills while doing so?

So, yeah, I am that kind of tired with bloodshot eyes and slightly sunburned skin that means that I really did have a good time today!

*hands out raspberry diet rite and s'mores pop tarts*

*drops off some gatorade powder-mix for emma and ally*

*gives a hug to everyone still awake*
*tucks covers in around everyone asleep*

MammaMia 31-05-2008 04:23 AM

*hides even more and resumes shaking*

Screw this.

~*forever_broken*~ 31-05-2008 04:36 AM

lol must be about that luv, but sometimes you just need it.

If y'all will allow me to get all religious I'll tel you what happened last night.
Before I really let my depression take control I was very involved in my churches college group. I lead worship for three years and never missed a Thursday night (which was when we got together every week) unless I was sick. But last year I wasn't able to put the time and effort into it that I know I needed to (I'm one that believes there needs to be some prayerful thought into things like leading worship... Sorry if y'all don't agree) and so I asked someone else to take over for this school year... And other than last night have only been one Thursday night.

Last night was Grad night for our college group where we , 'congratulate' those who are finishing uni (I guess that's what I'd call it any way). Folks share memories about those students who are leaving, they are singled out during the end of the year slide show and receive a small gift (dollar store purches but nice none the less). At the end of the night we sang one more song and the gal who I asked to replace me said she had one more memory about me to share. The song she was about to do was one I did often when I lead worship called 'This is the Day'. The first two lines are 'There's a reason to sing today. There's a reason to thank you for my life' and I would always say something to the effect of 'You know, it doesn't matter how bad your day is, how bad you're feeling, there's always a reason to sing and praise God'. She shared that memory and I bawled the entire song. I'd forgotten, I'd forgotten that's how I felt once. And I was thinking... I don't know what that reason is... Damn depression, I really did lose everything when I gave up and gave the depression control of my life:crying:
:crying:**** me:crying:

Jetforce 31-05-2008 04:56 AM

Awww..i'm sorry hon :-( don't have much to say really

*cuddles u ally*

Pomegranate 31-05-2008 05:12 AM

Ally, I understand, more than you would think. I am supposed to be going to church group (worship, wow, prayer, discussion etc) once a week, doing Alpha course also once a week and worship once a week but I just can't right now and it is hard to see how you were compared with now. It sort of shoves how much you have lost down your throat and it is not fun. It's hard. But you could always regain that relationship with God and even if you don't feel ready right now...we can just drink more lol.

MammaMia 31-05-2008 05:16 AM

*snuggles Ally and Emma and Jermery*

I am tired and cold and hungry :( But can't sleep or eat :P

~*forever_broken*~ 31-05-2008 05:22 AM

*snuggles Helen, Emma, and Jeremy*
Love you guys.

Yeah Emma, you're right, it sucks. And I'm sorry you understand cause that's no fun. As for more drinking, I think I'm done, at least for tonight:pinch: been sick a few times already.

Ugh, I feel awful, really triggered, not safe at all...

MammaMia 31-05-2008 05:29 AM

I wish I knew what to say to you Ally after you contacting me all night <3

~*forever_broken*~ 31-05-2008 05:40 AM

*snuggles* No worries Helen luv

Jetforce 31-05-2008 06:16 AM

*cuddles ally and helen*

ty for those hugs!!

effervescence 31-05-2008 07:40 AM


Originally Posted by Pomegranate (Post 804608)
Oh and Chloe....your keeping quite quiet about how you are doing....your posting but not about you. Are you ok? Don't you see your therapist on Monday or sometime soon? (sorry quite forgetful at the moment)

hey. yeah, i saw her on thursday. we spent the whole session talking about my father (something than wasn't even on my mental list of topics) and nothing about what i really needed to talk about.

i was fine the other day, like i wasn't even having a bad day, and then suddenly i was needing 7 bandaids for one thing.....and i dont normally like to waste plasters :crying:

so yeah. i can't see her again until the 10th, and i have 2 exams before that, and 2 the 2 days afterwards, and i cant concentrate on ANYTHING.

Pomegranate 31-05-2008 01:12 PM

*holds Chloe* I'm sorry sweetie, and I'm more sorry I have no advice but please hold on.

*pokes Ally* heya....thanks for the pic lol, perhaps should have waited for the hangover to dissipate before opening it though....

*hugs Helen and anyone else that needs them*

Doing the family thing today and part of tomorrow so won't be online till tomorrow evening. Promised Dad I would go with him to a....wait for it....Bruce Springsteen concert.

MammaMia 31-05-2008 01:34 PM


Originally Posted by ~*forever_lost*~ (Post 806535)
*snuggles* No worries Helen luv

:) *snuggles* I eventually got to sleep yay.


Originally Posted by Jetforce (Post 806546)
*cuddles ally and helen*

ty for those hugs!!

*cuddles* It's no problem :)


Originally Posted by Pomegranate (Post 806999)
*hugs Helen and anyone else that needs them*

*hugs more* Thanks hun.

Wow I texted FOUR people during the night, and thats not talking about either Emma (which I did text) and woke up to four texts. Three of the people I texted responded and one of my other friends texted me bless.

Blood hell the pain is kicking in in my arm :(

I actually slept from 6am-1.20pm yay.

Bless my work friend Charl, she's just responded to what I wrote because her first text meant she didn't save my number yet lol.

Katch 31-05-2008 02:52 PM

Hey hells, glad you got some sleep - how are you doing today? I haven't slept yet - but think i wil try for an hour now - wow i felt rough this morning - actually still (no wonder when i looked at the bottle!) neat wasn't a good idea.

hugs to everyone - how are you all doing? i'm off now but will be back after evening visiting hours to check. I'm doing ok and feel i can be there for anyone who might need it - just let me know.
love Katch, xxx

dark_light 31-05-2008 03:04 PM

sorry i haven't been around
cut really bad last nite and have to go to another hospital today to see the plastic surgeon

Auburn Shadow 31-05-2008 03:54 PM

*hugs you* Sorry you're feeling bad at the moment. I'm around for a few hours if you need to talk about anything.

MammaMia 31-05-2008 05:49 PM


Originally Posted by Katch (Post 807168)
Hey hells, glad you got some sleep - how are you doing today? I haven't slept yet - but think i wil try for an hour now - wow i felt rough this morning - actually still (no wonder when i looked at the bottle!) neat wasn't a good idea.

Thanks for last night hun, I really appericate it :) Wow you must be so tired lol, I hope you had some water or something before you drove to the hospital :thumbup:I'm in a lot of pain today and feeling a lot of emotions. :notsure:


Originally Posted by dark_light (Post 807195)
sorry i haven't been around
cut really bad last nite and have to go to another hospital today to see the plastic surgeon

*snuggles* Replied in your thread if you wanna talk sis :)

~*forever_broken*~ 31-05-2008 06:09 PM

Chloe luv, I'm sorry you're having such a hard time luv, I wish I could help.

Emma, lol, oh, sorry, didn't think of that. Ugh, I'm hungover too, my heads killing me lol *settles in to her corner and invites Emma to join her* can be the hangover corner right now lol

Yay for sleep, Helen! :-) Feeling better today hun?

Katch, how are you luv? How's your mom? *snuggles*

*cuddles Jo*
Oh sweetie, I'm so sorry you're doing so bad right now hunni. What did they say after you cut? I'm sorry you had to go there, to cut, but I understand, at least as much as one SIer understands another. *snuggles*

Hey Hana, how goes it sweetie?
Ugh, I've got a massive headache (yay hangovers!), I'm exhausted, I've got studying for next weeks exams and packing and cleaning to do... And I'm feeling rather out of sorts... Maybe closer to lousy, not sure *rolls eyes at herself* I know, 'out of sorts', 'lousy', 'awful', and 'beyond awful', what's that right? Silly but I don't like to talk about my depression as depression... So those, which are varying degrees of depression as I experience it, come from a time when I couldn't call it depression (only then it was just one general term, 'in a funk'). lol so now y'all know how weird I am :-)
Hmmm, yes, today is definitely lousy I think.

*curls up in her corner and takes a nap*

MammaMia 31-05-2008 06:41 PM

*snuggles Ally*

I don't feel better. I feel worse. I think the shock & scaredness has really set in now. Cus I feel so bloody numb except for the pain out of my arm heh.

I'm wondering far too much about negative ****.

~*forever_broken*~ 31-05-2008 08:16 PM

*cuddles Helen*
I'm sorry luv
What's wrong with your arm?

MammaMia 31-05-2008 08:19 PM

The cuts :(
I keep having visions because of youknowwho
Plus flashbacks.
I feel godamm awful.
Gonna be another tough night.

Auburn Shadow 31-05-2008 08:19 PM

*hugs hells and everyone who wants/needs*

I'm not feeling too bad today. Ish. Just a bit devastated that I had to leave because of those ****ers. Huh. Never did mention that part to anyone, did I? Bugger it. They're still scaring the **** out of me when I'm 4 hours drive away from me and I can't deal with it.

dark_light 31-05-2008 08:42 PM

they say they can't see me til monday :(
nurses were not happy when i cut, searched my room was horrible
sorry i'm pretty uselss atm
*hugs everyone lot*

MammaMia 31-05-2008 08:44 PM

All I want to know....is
why people keep hurting me, both emotionally & physically.
when is this **** going to stop?

I'm having visons of her carrying it out.
Nasty :'(
I'm in so much pain, I think it's psychological pain.
I feel him
He's not here.
He can't hurt me now.

I can't cope.


I'm sat waiting for that email to come.
Why hasn't she emailed?
Is it over?
Or is she torturing me some more?


Auburn Shadow 31-05-2008 09:03 PM

Sorry helen, I have no words tonight. I wish I could tell you when it was going to stop, but I can't. Just... know I'm around if you wanna talk. PM me if you need to.

Those ****ers made me leave my home, where I was perfectly happy and everything, so now I'm back with my parents. Which I would have been eventually, but not for a few weeks.
Moving from one death threat to another, what's the sense in that???
I'll explain if people want, but you've all got too much **** going on.

MammaMia 31-05-2008 09:41 PM

You can tell us hun.
It might help to write about it.
It just might be some of us won't know what to say :(

Auburn Shadow 31-05-2008 09:49 PM

Helen - You're gonna regret saying that, you know.
I just... people suck, you know. Like, there's this group of people where I used to be at uni (don't even know if I can go back there yet) and they want to kill my mate, and everyone who associates with her. Seeing as I let her stay at mine on the night they were looking for her and would have killed her had we not been inside and one of the security guards been warned about her. I can't see any more people die, you know? My cousin already killed herself, I'd destroy myself if anyone else went through that, I really would.
I dunno, maybe I should make a thread about it, but even though I'm nowhere near them. I'm ****ing terrified of them being out there when I go out, so I just can't go out.

Stupid problem, much?

MammaMia 31-05-2008 09:51 PM

It's far from a stuipd problem.
Believe me.
I know how scared you are right now.
Have you told someone about this?

Auburn Shadow 31-05-2008 09:55 PM

The police back there know, but they're absolutely useless. I mean, there was a time when my mate had been stabbed by these cunts and the police turned up 5 hours later.
Uni knows, but the only thing they're going to offer me is extra credit in the exams I've failed already regardless, so what's the point??

Auburn Shadow 31-05-2008 09:59 PM

gods, I'm freaking out about posting this on here, and this is the one place I feel safe. How can I survive if I'm not safe anywhere I try and open up???

Sorry, I'm freaking out majorly right now.

MammaMia 31-05-2008 10:02 PM

I hope they will take it seriously this time.
It's okay to feel freaked out x

Auburn Shadow 31-05-2008 10:07 PM

They haven't. They won't. Last time they were outside MY window, eating doughnuts and drinking coffee. I didn't go and say anything because I assumed there was another unit at my mate's house.
But, if they don't respond when she's been stabbed, what are they going to respond to???

And I probably lost 2 bracelets in the process, cause they were being sent to the adress I got forced out of. damn it. >.<


MammaMia 31-05-2008 10:08 PM

It's fine hun.

The police are so DAMM sucky at times.

This makes me dread contacting them anytime soon :S

Sorry I'm not saying that much.

Auburn Shadow 31-05-2008 10:12 PM

Don't worry about it sweetie. You've got your own stuff to deal with.
Gods though, sent an email to my tutor just now, me being slightly drunk, not a good idea. *sigh* ah well. Police, and people trying to kill me will be fine though, they're apparently on the case.

MammaMia 31-05-2008 10:13 PM

Maybe your tutor can support you or get you support hun
Be carefulw ith alcohol xxx

Auburn Shadow 31-05-2008 10:18 PM

Wouldn't have touched the stuff because I've had issues with it recently, but my parents made me. Got all my issues out in the open with my tutor though.

All I want to do now is feel something, cut. But I'm so close to 3 months, I can't. Can I??

MammaMia 31-05-2008 10:21 PM

Glad you spoke to your tutor and got it out.
Hun it's your decision.
I know how hard it is deciding when you're doing so well xx

Auburn Shadow 31-05-2008 10:27 PM

I know, I know it's my decision. But, I was supposed to be going to the US in July, and I can't because of my SI. I haven't told my tutor WHY I can't go yet, and I'm dreading it more than anything I've dreaded in my life before.
Even when he made me talk in front of people and I almost passed out. I almost managed a year without him knowing. I wish I could say more here, but it's the VPW, I can't say what I want.

Katch 31-05-2008 10:35 PM


Originally Posted by Hells (Post 807512)
Thanks for last night hun, I really appericate it :) Wow you must be so tired lol, I hope you had some water or something before you drove to the hospital :thumbup:I'm in a lot of pain today and feeling a lot of emotions. :notsure:

No worries Hells - anytime - yep I am pretty tired - managed to get about 40 mins this afternoon though so thats cool - drank loads of water and feel ok now. I'm not surprised you feel the way you do hun, but i dont want to say anything on here - you know I am thinking fo you though.


Originally Posted by ~*forever_lost*~ (Post 807557)
Katch, how are you luv? How's your mom? *snuggles*

She's doing ok - they haven;'t mentioned letting her out at all yet, but she seemed a bit more with it today and actually spoke a bit which was good.
sorry about your hangover- hows the studying going? your'e not wierd - you're wonderful - take care xxx


Originally Posted by Auburn Shadow (Post 807932)
*hugs hells and everyone who wants/needs*

I'll have a hug and send one to you to. Sounds like you are having a rough time - i think it's good that you e-mailed your tutor - the more people you have looking out for you the better. If i can ever help with anything - even just listening please let me know.


Originally Posted by dark_light (Post 808003)
they say they can't see me til monday :(
nurses were not happy when i cut, searched my room was horrible
sorry i'm pretty uselss atm
*hugs everyone lot*

Huggles to you - they wouldn't be happy as it is their job to keep you safe - Monday might seem like a long wait - but it will come quickly - I'm hoping you meet someone there that you really feel you can connect with and confide in - I'll be thinking of you.

Hugs to everyone else that pops in - I'm thinking of you all. xxx

MammaMia 31-05-2008 11:01 PM

*needs to be dead already*

blondiebear 01-06-2008 02:50 AM

Uh Oh. I kinda feel bad cause I'm feeling good. Don't stone me please?

I'm a bit sunburned. My hands are actually dry enough that I'm using lotion on them. That happens to me like maybe 4 times a year. Found a great fabric for the quilt for my house! Indian petroglyph's/pictographs tan on a sand background. Should go well with my dusty blue and dusty green bandanna fabrics.

Three sets of ruins from the 1600's, churches from when the Franciscans helped Spain colonize the area, aka convert the heathens and have them build a big church as part of civilizing them. One of the rock walls was 5.5 feet thick best as I can figure!

Holed up in our motel room in a suburb of Albuquerque, with the air conditioning on!

MammaMia 01-06-2008 03:30 AM

I won't stone u hun.

Sounds like you're having a good time :)

*hides again*

~*forever_broken*~ 01-06-2008 08:02 AM

I am glad you're having a good time Blondie-Mom. There is nothing wrong with that at all.

*snuggles Helen*
Sweetie, I don't want you dead, please:crying: I am so sorry you're feeling so awful, physically, emotionally, and psychologically... Please try and get some help, some advice, with all of it... And not just from us because while we care we can't do a whole lot. *cuddles*
Ugh I feel crap. Was just thinking I don't want to go to therapy on Monday. I don't want to go because of last time. He made me feel bad (which I know wasn't his intent). I want to tell him that. I want to tell him that it seemed to me he had taken what I said personally, and he shouldn't have. I want to tell him that I had really needed to go in that day and talk about the session before and instead we spent most of the time trying to fix that... That I felt like I was trying to make sure he understood, that there wasn't anything personal about what I said, and wanted to make sure I hadn't hurt his feelings, that he was ok. And that I went home afterwards (though I only had an hour before work and shouldn't have wasted the gas) and cut, deeply, and faster than I ever have... I mean, it usually takes me a couple goes to get that deep... I want to just go and throw a fit for a bit... It isn't my job to make sure I didn't hurt his feelings... And while I know that wasn't what he wanted, I thought he knew me well enough to know that's what I'd do... That's what I would focus on, was making sure the misunderstanding got cleared up and that he understood... And what I really needed that Friday was to talk about Mondays session four days before. I was a complete mess, suicidal, feeling like I might need to be in hospital but SO not wanting it... And I feel like I spent a good thirty minutes trying to defuse a misunderstanding that he took personally.
But... I don't want to tell him all this. I'm a psychology student, I've taken some counselling methods classes... And I know that, should they decide that they're not a good fit that they'll just drop you or refer you... I don't think that's a case, I think we've done well together for the past 8 1/2 months... I just think this is a bump... But maybe he won't feel that way if I tell him all this... Maybe he'll dump me or refer me... I don't like new people, I want to put that off... I'm comfortable with him, he may not believe it but he's SO good at getting stuff out of me I don't want to tell... So safe I go in determined not to discuss something and then find myself in the middle of it..

I'm sorry, I'm rambling now... I just feel awful and thinking of this coming Mondays session hasn't helped... Massively triggered and I also need to go to bed as I am exhausted.

I'm sorry, I know you all have your own stuff and this is all very stupid...:crying:

*returns to her corner and, curling up as tightly as she can, cries herself to sleep*

Please... Make it stop...:crying:

Jetforce 01-06-2008 09:14 AM

*jumps onto ally and cuddles her*

Sounds like u need some tlc...:P so *jems gives u some tlc* hehe

Hang in there!! Things will improve, just a bad patch i guess....:) tc there..i hope we speak despite the time

zowie 01-06-2008 12:47 PM

*Hugs everyone*

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