I'm not good. And I dont have anyone to call.

Sorry things are so rough Lillie. Do you want to say a little more about what’s going on?

I'm here if you need to talk <3

Thinking about you Lillie <3

We're here if it helps to post.

Sending love x

Theres lots and nothing going on.

I hate this house. I hate it so much. And to get out of it and go home I need to be able to work. But I cant.

I keep having panic attacks. And I hate being out of control.

I hate having no purpose.

I hate being inadequate.

I'm really sad.

I feel like I'm loosing everyone. People from plymouth because om Not starting the conversation. Other people. Family.

No one is proud of me. Friends think I need to get some perspective, grandma told me off for not wearing make up and kept insisting that I get a job. Friend and husband and his family are all doctors and scientists and solicitors. And my brothers wage and success in his chosen field is eye watering. Even when I do earn I'm on less than half of what he is.

Dad loves me but I keep having to take money off him and it's made me very uncomfortable and I dont want to see him.

I'm stuck in a horrible house. With a so called family who dont understand. A cmht that are mostly absent.

I'm scared I have a brain tumour. Which is a recognised and not rare cause of the symptoms I have that made me stop medication.

And I'm so deeply sad and worn out and fed up. And every time I think I might be able to go on the Man is outside my house or in my head and is strangling me again.

That's a lot, and a lot of judgements from yourself and other people. I wonder what it would be like if you could hold off from judging yourself so harshly. I think you are doing what you can and in the future you could do even more if you want to. Are there small steps you can take to change some of the things that are getting you down? I know it's not easy and some things can't really be changed but maybe how you manage things could at least be changed. Did you speak to your GP about your concerns about the medication? When are you next seeing someone from the CMHT?

Dont know what's going on. I should technically be referred to endocrinology. But I dont know if that's been done. Dont know if psychiatrist has written to gp to ask them to do it or if gp has done it herself. And itll be a huge wait anyway.

Supposed to be seeing a support worker and my cpn on the 2nd I think it is.

Would you ask your GP if the referral has been done? I know that a long wait can make you feel really anxious, but if you knew you were on the list it might help a bit. Do you know what you want to say to your CPN and support worker?

GP only works 2 days a week. They are bank holidays. And whilst I know reception could tell me they wont because they are idiots.

I want them to make it better or fuck off.

What does better look like to you? What do they need to be doing? Surely it's better even to have someone there for you through the hard times, I'm not sure anyone can make things completely better but it would be great if you could work with them and come up with some things that would be useful for you. Is the support worker able to do practical things with you?

Do you think your support worker/CPN could help you communicate with the GP to find out about the referral?

That what I want. To be back to normal in Plymouth. They make that happen or fuck off and let me die. I'm fed up with services doing next to nothing and claiming I'm not engaging or I've tried everything so they will just let me suffer. I want to be better and back to normal. It's their fault it's this bad so they have to fix it.

Is there a care plan or something along those lines, to help you get back to normal? What are they (e.g CMHT) saying they'll do to help you?

Care plans are stupid. Cpn told me shes doing it only because she has to. I've had no part in it nor will I. They write stuff down and then blame me for everything.

I'm doing 5 sessions of therapy at some point. Havent got a start date. Theres a support worker but what use will that be? I've sorted it out myself or friends have because when I asked for help with benefits and things it was weeks and weeks ago.

Do you know what you need in order to get back to normal in Plymouth?

Able to work. Not having melt downs and panic attacks. The whole probable benign brain tumour thing to be sorted. People to leave my job in plymouth so I can go back. Money. For moving and storing my stuff. I have someone i can stay with while i work and get the deposit and rent in advance together.

I need out of this house. It's not fit for purpose. Estate agent has once again failed to do what they promised and contact the plumber and let me know when hes coming. Not that he can do the job properly. If he had the toilet wouldnt be broken again. And it's so cold in here. It's really badly affecting my fibromyalgia. And that's making me take more and more painkillers. And I cant take the meds that help because of the stupid probable brain tumour.

It sounds like things are taking longer than they should. Care plans would be useful if they actually did them to help you and you were given the chance to be involved in your own care...

Perhaps the support worker will be able to help with some practical things. If you haven't met them yet, you could ask/they may tell you how they can help at your appointment.

I should think that a support worker would be able to liaise with estate agents on your behalf and push them to fix what needs to be fixed. Is the heating issue something they can fix, or is it a financial issue?

I'll probably try to go to meet the support worker. If it isnt sunny.

And I can push the estate agent myself.

There isnt any heating. It's not broken there just isnt any.