*also hugs everyone*

*Hugs Louise* Hows things?

*Hugs Lindsay* How are you?

I'm just back from coffee with my friend Hannah L , WE went to our usual in this town coffee shop and she said she had been to a nice cafe/bookshop so we went there for another coffee and after a little while a woman came over and told us that a local poet was going to read some of his poetry so the music got turned off and this guy started reading his poems Hehe. Hannah and I did'nt know what to do , we were the only customers in the place . It was very unexpected and bohemian :P

I have a half a bottle of Vodka in my wardrobe.
I'm feeling low.
Talking yesterday about the woman who I went to group/accupuncture dieing in group really brought it BANG!!! home that My Grandma died and I'm very sad , and triggered . How collosally stupid am I to just now realise that my Grandma Died on the 8th and I only realise it on the 25th? Hmmmmmmm.
I don't know what to do with the drink :S I'm tempted and telling myself that THIS will be the last time :S

Mark, you saw a poetry reading? That's awesome! I would've been so excited! (and my "I love poetry" rant is over.)
Also, you're not stupid for "just" realizing your grandma died. I didn't fully realize my dad was gone until 3 years after the fact. I've always thought of it as a coping mechanism. *hugs*

*Hugs Felicia* It just has come as a bit of a shock is all .

*Spots and Hugs Crimson*

*Hugs Mark*



I... may be going shopping soon. My bank account will hate me. haha.

*hugs everyone* i did all my college work :) caught up with everything, and my tutor went through my assingnment 5 for retail and said it was the best one she had ever seen :)

Yay!! Way to go Nicole :) How else are you ?

thanks mark :) i was very happy. But then my tutor told everyone that was struggling with the task that they should ask me for help :/

*hugs Mark back*
I took forever reading and rereading the pages I'd missed and it still isn't sticking in my head *puts head down* Sorry guys.
*hugs everyone*

Ohh Nicole did you cope okay ?

*Hugs Crimson* thats okay sometimes thing don't stick for me either :S

so it's 2 months and one day free today... I'm not going to lie, this hasn't been easy. At ALL. I've actually been having alot of suicidal thoughts. I'm not suicidal but I have the thoughts y'know? So remember I said that my new meds - propranolol - can slow down your pulse? I found myself researching it. To see if It was possible to die from taking them. Apparantly, you can.
But because mine are so small in dosage, I'd have to wait until they put me on the bigger dose.
So I sit here now and since Tuesday - the day I got them and wonder.
I wonder what it would be like.
How many I'd have to take until I stopped breathing.
Until my heart stopped beating.
I sit here and wonder.
Would anyone actually miss me?
I sit here and wonder. And as I'm wondering, the girl who came into my life and saved me comes into view.
How upset she'd be, how much she'd miss me, how much she's a sister in all but blood to me. Our future together: Going out, shopping, college, university, a flat. Our dreams.
And I know it'll all be okay.
I'm not suicidal but I often wonder.
Then I think of my guardian angel and the thoughts go away.

-Sorry, I had to get this out of my mind. I'm okay now. I think-

*Hugs Shad* I know how it is to have suicidal thoughts but not urges too ( and to have the urges too unfortunately ) So I can empathise :S

I just started a thread. I hope it will help. My online diary now I suppose. It's in my signature. <3

*Hugs Shad* I'm glad you found your reason :)

Nicole, I got that ALL the time in English. My teacher would always single me out, read my things to the class and use it as an example, then she would ask me if it was OK to use it in the year 11 booklet only AFTER she had put it in. One time I just answered 'what if I said no?' She didn't really have an anwer to that and just said it would be tough. It made me feel good about myself, but could get a tad embarassing.

*Hugs Mark* I never really realised it and my Nanna died over a year ago. I think I blocked the entire thing out because I don't feel like I grieved at all. It all depends on the person, and you're not wrong for realising when you did.

*Hugs Laura* I'm glad you don't think you will do anything, but I do worry. That won't stop. We're always here for you though.

*Hugs Crimson* It's alright, how are you?

*Hugs Shad*

*Hugs Laura* I'm glad ( is that the right word? no) that I'm not alone in this.

I've sunk a half bottle of vodka in just under 2 hours and I am nicely warm , I just hope I can be booze free from now until Monday so I can be back on my Antabuse. I felt nice not drinking without the drugs but it's so easy to slip up without them , I need the drugs , does that make me a failure ?

Hey guys. More family issues again. Feeling pretty low. :( *cuddles all* I'll be in and out tonight I think, hope you're all okay x

No Mark, it doesn't make you a failure.
I'm okay Lia, How're you?

*Hugs Sarah*

*Hugs Crimson*

*cuddles Mark* You're not a failure at all

*hugs Crimson*

*cuddles Lia*

*cuddles Shad* I know how that feels, I'm sorry I can't help more

*cuddles Nicole*

Not got much tonight. Sorry

I have been better :(

What's up, Louise?

*huggles everyone*
yeah, i was ok, cause only 2 people asked me :) (mainly cause i went up and hid in a computer room with my friends)

Glad you were alright Nicole.

*Hugs Louise* What's the matter Louise?

*Hugs Louise* Whats up hun?

*Squishes Lia*

*Cuddles Nicole*

*Glomps Lindsay*

*Huggles Sarah*

*cuddles mark and lia*
*hides*

*Hugs Mark and Nicole.*

What's wrong Nicole?

*hugs lia*
i'm just fed up of all of this now :( i'm sat in the sitting room cause its the only place i can get internet, i'm sat by the window, but then my brother, sister and mum, are sat on the sofas the other side of the room, slagging me off. i mean, they are right in front of me, and they are talking about how lazy i am, and how much they hate me!!!! and theres so much noise in here. i hate noise! :(

Oh Nicole Hun *Hugs* I'm sorry you're having such a rough time , could you get the net upstairs , your room maybe ? I'm sorry if that a lame bit of advice :S

Put in loud music if you want to keep the internet? I know how you feel and it sucks. My family often sit around the dinner table insutling me. I've learnt to just ignore it and block them out, not let it hurt me just as I have blocked off so many other emotions. Anyway, rambling sorry.

its not lame advice mark *hugs* it was rational, but unfortunatley our wireless is pretty crappy, and only works downstairs :( i just wish they would all leave me alone.
i love them but sometimes i wanna kill them
*hugs lia* i left my heeadphones at college :( and they would have a go at me if i put it on loud. my sister just started having a go at me aswell :(

Oh Nicole I know the feeling. Its terrible *hugs* I often take to going to bed early, like really early, to just hide :( I wish I could help more :(

*cuddles wardies*

*hugs ribenalion* (sorry, your names just completley gone outta my head, theres so much in there atm.) i think i might go to bed soon actually, just to get away from them all.
how are you?

*cuddles everyone lots and lots*

*Hugs Helen*

*Hugs Nicole*

*Hugs Sarah*

*Hugs Lia*

I'm off to bed now , Night Night :) (Is it anoying that I say goodnight so often?)

*hugs helen lots and lots*
*hugs mark goodnight*

*hugs all* sorry I haven't been around lately. Didn't feel up to it.

Not at all Mark. Night night *hugs*

How are you Lore?

I really want to cry. Like, really cry. The sort where you can't stop for ages and ages and your eyes hurt. But I can't.

*hugs lia tight* whats up sweetie?
I WANT SNOW! i am literally sat here wishing for it XD

*hugs lia* you can't cry? want to trade? I'm about to cry a lot lately..

Nicole: we got snow today and I'm hating it. Just come ver to south west Germany...

I came to realize that living with my family is not good for me, because I am always trying to please everybody around me. Then I tend to forget the things that are really important in life. Like applying to university and finding a job. It is not a pleasant thing to realize that my family is not good for me. It sucks. Life sucks.
I have no money, so can't mve out, so I'm stuck here with my family.
Sorry for the rant.

What in the world is wrong with me? I am sat here, crying at last, hands gripping at my hair and trying not to scream, but I'm not even feeling. The reaction to the emotions is there, but the feelings aren't. Has the Ice Queen become me? Do I really no longer have emotions?

Lore, I just couldn't. And I'm sorry about your family. Maybe you should think about yourself more. As I am sure you have learnt, you can't please everyone at once. *Hugs*

I think you do have emotions. Maybe you are not aware of them, but you wouldn't cry if there weren't emotions.
*hugs you tight* hope you are better soon

*hugs lia* you are NOT an ice queen, i know that because you care, an ice queen wouldnt care. do you know whats started this off?
and ooh, laura, can you teleport me there? we were forecasted snow from wednesday to saturday, and we still have nothing :(

Nicole: I'd love to!

*runs off to look for teleporter*

I want snow too :(

Yes, I do. I was listening to Christmas music and one song came on that reminded me of her and I realised she's gone. And burst into tears. Over The First Noel.

I can teleport you too lia. I'd love to have someone here... we could build a giant snowman in my frontyart :)

I just can't find my damn teleporter.

*hugs lia* i'm sorry hun, theres not really much i can say. but it will get better hun *squishes*
:'( my cousin just text me. she miscarried. my little godchild. :(

*Hugs* I'm sorry Nicole. I don't really know what to say :(

Lore, you could always use the TARDIS or we could apperate. Blast! No we can't, we're under 17.

your not an ice queen, it is good that you are crying you must be feeling some emotion it can be weird though. maybe go somewhere quiet where no one will here you and scream it might help.

I so sorry about your cousin nicole *hugs*

*holds Lia*

*cuddles Nicole* Aww poor dear, is she okay? Are you okay?

*hugs Lore* Lot of families seem to be causing issues recently, I hope you're okay hun

*snuggles Mark* Nighty night x

Edit : *hugs Louise* how you feeling?