I'll sit with ya Sis.

iloveyouguys

Don't know if you were referring to me since we don't know each other, but it still made me smile. Thanks!

*Hugs Kahlia*
*Hugs Nicole*
*Hugs Lia*
*Hugs Jill*
*Hugs Solo*
*Hugs Crimson*You are justified it seems to me hun . ...Way to go on almost 7 years that's truly inspiring :)
*Hugs Ian*
*Hugs Felicia*
*Hugs Anarchymummy if okay* Hi I'm Mark :)
*Hugs Kelly*
*Hugs Heather* I love you too :)

Hi Everyone and thanks,
Hugs are always ok Mark :)

How is everyone? Sorry for sort of throwing myself in here last night but thank you for being there xx

Hi Claire *Hugs* I Am feeling okay , apprehensive though , later on at 3pm I have my firsy volunteer shift at the cyber cafe :S since it was was a few months ago and I only had a few shifts before , like 4,5,6 shifts so I'm going to be a bit lost . I hope it's not too busy on my first day . just so I can relax in the atmosphere and feel comfortable there.
How are you Claire ? You spell your name like my Sister :)

*Hugs everyone*
*Curls up in the denial tent*

*Squishes Nicole* You okay hun?

*Cuddles Mark*
I dunno..I suppose so, just getting a bit fed up of all this. I'm not sure if what I'm feeling is 'normal' or not...
How are you?

*hugs everyone*

*Hugs Nicole* Anxiety today :S

*Hugs Lindsay* How are you hun?

*Hugs Mark* That sucks :( I know the feeling...
*Hugs Lindsay* How are you?

I just want to die. I can't go on with this life for much longer.

*Squishes Lindsay Tons*

*Cuddles Lindsay* Sorry, I really don't have much advice, but i'm thinking of you, please try and stay safe hun.

cuddles all. curls up in corner

~Hugs Mark back~Hope your first day in the cafe rocks!
~Hugs for all my other wardies too~
Claire hun, you throw yourself in here any time!

*Hugs Nicole*

*Hugs Jill*

*Hugs Solo*

Cyber cafe , well I went in on time , a guy named Josh tried to talk computer with me all mother boards ,proccesors , RAM ..... I didn't have a clue but to his credit he took the side of a computer off to show me . But that was the only halfway okay thing . AJ the manager who has been sacked showed up for his stuff , threatend to bill them for some lost stuff . But they really didn't need me I sat there trying not to get too emmbarrased by the conversation , Social anxiety , and did nothing but stare into space before telling Tom the highest guy there that I was off as I wasn't needed . *Sigh* I'm trying to socialise and make friends and all that **** but I think I'm better off with Hannah L and my online friends . I ran into Hannah L on the wat to my other appointment which was nice to talk for5 minutes before we coffee tomorrow :)

Thanks for the hug Mark! I'm sorry it didn't rock, but it coulda been worse. Hey where are these pictures I've been hearin about?

What Pictures Solo? Sorry you've lost me , (Not hard to do)

hmm doesn't matter. its all good

My GP referred me to the psych team today. I'm scared of going to it. I'm scared of what they'll want to do.

~Mark~ you, Lia n Nicole were talkin a couple days ago about it bein weird talkin on here now that you know what each other looks like.

Solo (re yesterday's post) yours is a big accomplishment and comparing to others only gets us in trouble i've found... :) at any rate I'm proud of you anyhow.

Thanks Mark! I got yesterday all sorted and even whined till dh agreed we should have chili for dinner ( i was really craving chili last night for dinner...)

*holds Sarah's hand and offers a teddy bear*

Good Morning everyone! *hugs all around*

*spots Oliver and tackle hugs*

Oh Solo , we were commenting on each others Facbook photos , If you want to look at mine I'll PM you the Link.

*Hugs Crimson*

*Hugs Sarah* Don't be too worried about meeting the psych team hun , I've done it for YEARS I'm sure you won't have problams , the first meeting is usually a "Get to know each other" thang:)

*Hugs Jill* *Worries*

*Hugs everyone*

*Squishes Nicole*

*Cuddles Mark*

*huggles Nicole*

*Huggles Crimson* How are you?

*Hugs Crimson* How are you?

*cuddles Crimson* thanks hun

*cuddles Mark* thanks for letting me know, its scary not knowing what to expect

*cuddles Nicole*

My alarm clock is going off for some strange reason :/

*Cuddles Sarah*

I had this really weird/scary dream last night and it has extremely freaked me out, now you all know I haven't cut in.... 4 months now and one day now. And the dream was so vivid.... Here it is:

It was dark and the darkness was filled with screaming... Terror-filled, non-human screams of pain. Suddenly, there was a flash of white and my arm rose. I could see it. My left arm covered in blood, dripping down my forearm from my wrist and hand. My right hand was clutched in a tight fist, a shard of glass piercing the fingers. I lifted my left arm, twirling it round in something akin to fascination, fingers and hand twisting, fingers covered in blood. The lights flashed and dimmed and a three figures appeared.
It was my three saviour angels (as I have dubbed them)... Standing, looking at me with such sorrow it made my heart burn. I remember whispering something 'I'm sorry' before the light flashed again.
My eyes opened again, I was still in the dream, my face was wet - tears - I looked at my hand again, my arm was covered in a black sleeve. The skin was covered in healing wounds, a huge one was spread across the centre of my palm, cuts laced my fingers. I pulled my sleeve down, criss-crossed cuts covered my wrist below the veins...
I remember dropping to the floor after backing myself into a wall, sitting in the corner, I fell to the floor and curled up, holding my arm to myself. Screams came again, as they always do and the blackness followed. I woke up.

I'm so scared guys. If I can't sleep due to insomnia or I'm not having anxiety attacks, I'm dreaming of darkness and screaming - my screams. But this... This was the worse it's been in months. And lately all I can think of is counting the days and things triggering me to cut and the urges growing stronger. I haven't cried in weeks and I'm falling to sleep when I get home. I'm so tired. So very tired.

*Hugs everyone*

It does matter Jill. If it's bothering you, it matters.

Good luck Sarah, I hope it goes well for you :/

*cuddles Nicole*

I just want it to stop now, just feel like other people feel. Be able to feel normal, but this is normal, for me. So ehh.

*Hugs Shad* I'm sorry you're struggling so much my dear. Are you on any meds or anything for it all?

nope, I'm on propranolol for my migrains but this is unknown to anyone but my angels and my wardies :)

Why do people like me? What have I done to make them think i'm a good person? I don't get it...I'm not a good person...I'm really not.

*Hugs Shad* That sounds terrifying , I'll post about my dream in my next post but off topic, Could you see a counsellor?

byt that's not what we think of you. I think you're an awesome person. When I first joined RYL and found the ward, you were the first person who talked to me and offered to talk to me anytime. :')

and I'm supposed to be getting one soon. I've got like an assesment or something on feb 3rd - I think it's to see if i really need one or not but it's for my stress and being a victim of bullying. Am i allowed to bring other things - like this - up?

On dreams
I dreamt last night that my neighbour , ( Who has olny one arm ) Was way back in the day and injured himself all up his missing ( now) arm and then went to play Rugby and tackled someone and his cut just split all the way up his arm very very deep and ripped muscles and he had to have his arm amputated because of that and I woke and for 15-20 seconds beleived this as fact . Woke up triggered no surprise :S

Shad Please bring this stuff up , they can only help when you are honest.
Were you talking about me? 3 posts up?

I'd like that Mark.

~Crimson~ I'm not sure what you mean by, comparing to others?

I've drawn the lines of my veins on my arm with biro , so I miss them , not hit them , sorry

solo- the length of time was what i meant by comparing... it always caused me more troubles with my own thinking/self... i'm not communicating very well today i don't think..
*huggles mark*

*Sits in denial tent*