Hey all who have joined since I went to make tea.

That does sound sweet Nicole. My English teacher was lovely like that. When I told her I was being bullied, she goes 'I'm going to sort this out, I'm not having you being bullied.' I was like 'Aww, bless you'. I miss her. I'm trying to shut that out thought just as I shut out everything else.

I want to say something, but I really don't know if I can.

it was sweet. and we had a copy of our work that we did in a group, and everyone needed a copy so she said we all had to copy it out, then she said to the class 'and im gonna give the original copy to nicole cause im being nice to her today' so i didnt have to do any work lol.
lia-what do you want to say sweetie, you can say it to us.

Sorry you woke up so early. Yay for 25th in Aussie :D Will be the 25th here in less than 4 hours.

Ah I see *cuddles* Hopefully it'll go well.

Should do, I mean I'm being irrational, it needs doing so I can eat again properly, but still, the thought of things poking around inside me terrifies me. :(

*hugs all* sorry for my lack of individuals, I just feel terrible and my memory is horrific right now

I don't know if it's time or if I will regret it only if I keep it in much longer, I will bottle it. And now I feel I'm being utterly stupid.

lia-we cant force you into telling us, but i'm sure you will feel a lot better when you have, and you shouldnt bottle things up, its not good for you. but you're not being stupid hun.

Wow, the ward IS moving quite quickly at the moment, hasn't been like this for awhile - you're right, Hels. :)

Oh & Kahlia & Hels - I've been counting weeks and it was 12 weeks for me on Wednesday so now I'm confused... lol... because I know that we were synced up at some point, so how could it go wrong? I've been going by counting weeks with each Wednesday... ahhh, brain totally NOT WORKING. :( But congrats to you anyway!!! XD *cuddles*

Sarah, I'm sure the surgery won't be that bad, and you'll feel tons better after it's done (well, not immediately after, but you know what I mean :P)... but that being said, I don't blame you for being panicky. *cuddles*

Sorry not more individuals, Jarrod ought to be home shortly... :)

*glomps Sarah, Lia, Hels, and Mark, as I spy you all!!* :D

Er okay this half an hour should be interesting. Erm

*cuddles tight* What terrifies you about it? Feel free to PM if you want it to be kept private x

You know you can tell us, but we won't push or force you. Be kind to yourself, especially if you feel able to tell. Do you know what's stopping you?

*agrees*

Well...I think me & Kahlia count by months so like everytime it's the 25th in Australia/England we are another month free?? Every time I've give up, I've counted the first four weeks, then one month, two, etc!!! Does that make sense???

What do you mean?

*Draws deep breath.* While I am utterly disconnected from my emotions I will get this over with.

I don't even know how to start as there's nothing really to tell. I'm just scared there might be. Right, well I guess here goes.

Damn, I'm sorry I can't figure out how to hide this so I'll just warn you now this contains SA.

I'm worried I have repressed memories of sexual assult. There, said it now. Might as well finish.

I have reasons for thinking this...I think the best way of going about it is making a list, but that just seems stupid. Oh I don't even know and I'm meant to be good with words. This is stupid anyway. I'm stupid. I just don't know how to do this. There are no rules and this isn't one of my fictions. It is very, very real.

I hate physical contact. But not all. I just don't like intimate physical contact, including hugs (although cyber hugs are fine). I have a friend who wants to 'cure' me of this and keeps putting her arm around my waist and I just want to shove her off me each time. It makes me feel uncomfortable and weird.

I also dislike men. They make me feel uncomfortable too, although the ones in my theatre class are growing on me. Girls are my preferred company.

I know there's more, but I can't even think now.

Oh yes. My other fear is public toilets. Not as in 'argh! It's a toilet!' But I hate being in them alone. I get all paranoid and it freaks me out.

I'm also just a generally jumpy and fidgety person. I can't sit still and jump every time my phone goes off or the toast pops out of the toaster. I get moods where being around people is just awful and I develop a random fear of everyone around me.

There's also the 'badness'. The worthlessness I feel, so deeply that I want to kill myself sometimes just because it's the only way to be away from me. I feel dirty, disgusting. I hate myself so much, I can't even put it into words. I don't even know why, there's just a badness somewhere there.

What started this off is an episode of EastEnders of all things. For those of you who aren't in the UK, it's a soap opera. Basically, there was this SA storyline, and I was like 'oh that's pleasant' but I watched it anyway and just totally freaked. I was shaking afterwards and panicking and I had no idea what was wrong with me. It was weird, but since then, this is all I've thought about.

I also seem to 'know' the topic more than I should. If the topic comes up (which is a surprising amount), I can say things and people will just be like 'how the hell would you know that?' I know what it feels like and I shouldn't. ANd that's when I try to restrict what I say so people don't give me odd looks.

But I'm being dumb and I doubt anyone will bother to read this and I am so so sorry because I know there are people that really have been through it and then there's me who can't even remember and I'm so sorry if I offend anyone and you have every right to call me any name you want. Throw me off the ward, call me the pathetic, dirty cow that I am. I'm so sorry.

*cuddles Helen* I'm just scared of the pain afterwards, I'm such a wuss :( though I wish I could eat without feeling sick. Also I know mum will make my recovery awkward, she's been mean to the dog after his surgery. I worry too much.

*hugs Lia* We'll never throw you off the ward for something like that, we're all here for you. Wish I could do more to help you :(

*hugs lia* sweetie, we arent gonna throw you off the ward, call you nasty names or do anything nasty towards you, well, i know i'm not, and i'm sure noone else will. you're not being stupid at all, a lot of people block out memories of SA because it's just so much easier for them. and even if nothing happend, that doesnt mean these feelings arent valid, everyone deserves to feel safe, and if you dont then you need to do something, is there anyone you can tell about these feelings? well done for telling us though hun. x

*Hugs Lia* You're NOT Dirty or pathetic , we wouldn't want you to leave the ward . I'm sorry you feel so freaked out , I think I would be freaked out too in your shoes *Extra hugs*

*Hugs the ward* , I'm gonna log off for the night , I will be at my parents until Sunday so sorry in advance if I can't keep up in the ward .

Don't be nice to me please. I appreciate it, but I don't deserve it. It's alright, you can be honest. I don't expect people to believe me.

I'm off to hide somewhere in a hole.

*hugs mark* night night.x
*hugs lia* sweetie, you do deserve it, and we all beleive you, please stay safe hun.x

I'm glad it's the weekend. I don't think I could of handled everything going on at school for another day. I really don't wanna go back there on monday. So I'm just going to catch up on my sleep - I have purple bags under my eyes - and rest for once. Give my cuts from yesterday time to heal - no signs of infection, incase you're worried - and forget everything that's happened even if only for a short time, it would still be utter bliss. xx

Lia, hon, we're not lying to you. You know us better than that (I hope). We're being nice because it's honestly how we feel about you. You're not all the things you think you are - pathetic, dirty, useless, etc., etc. I'm not trying to invalidate those feelings because sadly they are very very real, but you AREN'T all those bad things. *gentle hugs* Proud of you for telling people here... and I don't know about you, but in a way, I think that those who think something may've happened but can't remember are worse off than those that know something has. I mean, I say this without being in the shoes of someone who HAS known that something has happened without it coming back in bits & pieces (that's me, repressed memories & all) and I am also NOT invalidating those who've experienced it and remembered it (SA, I mean), because either way it is AWFUL and should NEVER EVER BE. But... I mean, knowing for sure that it happened, SA or whatever experience have you, or being hazy on the details? I would prefer knowing that it happened, whether it's just everyday life or SA stuff. But sadly mine is all haphazard and broken up into bits. And it's not easier that way. May've been for a bunch of years ("my" SA stuff happened between the ages of 14 and 17) but then BAM a memory hits you and you can't stop thinking about it, it dominates your life and sometimes sends you in a tailspin (like me recently with the ED crap). But anyway, sorry, enough about me - I was just trying to explain what I meant before I offended anyone. :-S Hopefully I didn't, definitely didn't mean to!!! :-/

But yes, Lia, well done for telling the ward. :) *more hugs*

'Kay, now I'm gonna shut up before I seriously make someone angry... :-S

the devil telling me i must die i cant fight him

Don't give in, don't give up Ryuu. Your stronger than this, we'll help you through it! Please...Don't give in.

And Lia, Well done for telling us. I may be young but I know that must have taken alot for you to write. I'm proud of you. You're not stupid or disgusting. If anyone on here thought that about you then they are. We all love you honey, don't give up, it'll be okay, it'll be okay.

Oh Lia. We could never throw you off the ward sweetheart. I don't want to invalidate your feelings either, but you're not disgusting or pathetic. No matter how much you feel like that. From what you said, you very well could be repressing memories. I did that for well over four years and even now some memories are still hazy. It's really **** thing to deal with. Sorry, I have stuff I want to stay that I think would help but struggling to get it out. But you're not alone in this darling. I promise you.


You're not a wuss sweetheart. It's understandable that you're scared about the pain. I'm sure they'll give you painkillers or something to help you cope. *cuddles lots*

okay, ummm help? The place I cut on my arm yesterday hurts everytime I move it. is this because the plaster is pulling at it or because i'm stretching the skin? I know this is a medical question but I'd prefer to ask it here cuz i know all of you. :( help? xx

Could be to do with the plaster. Is it showing signs of infection??

Thanks guys. I was so scared that you wouldn't believe me and I'm sorry for thinking any of you could be like that. It wasn't you, more me. I can't see why anyone should or would believe me. But thank you for your support. I guess you're right in a way April. It's awful not knowing, I can't even let myself get properly upset because it's like I don't deserve to since I don't even know what I'm meant to be upset over and it might be nothing and then what does that make me? Gah, stupid.

hugs lia.
sorry ingoure what i posted. not important. sorry curls up.

Oh darling, I can understand why you thought we wouldn't believe you *cuddles tight* I know I'm not April, but what you said makes total sense. You're not stupid though.

Thanks Helen, don't know what I'd have done without you tonight *cuddes*

*Hugs all* I've never met any of you, but in some ways you're the best friends I could ever ask for.

These two had me crying happy tears *cuddles you both tightly* You're both very welcome x

*cuddles Helen and Mia and everyone else* You guys are amazing, thank you for everything x

Well it's true. I trusted you enough to tell you all of that and not one of you judged or didn't believe me. I can't even begin to tell you what that means.

We all love ya lia!

and nope, no signs of infection. I'll clean them incase and put a new plaster on...Kinda worried now...

O...M...G...
*lies down on the cold floor*
been working too hard and trying to do everything and have it all done at once... now I feel like I've been run over by a bus. :( but my office is looking better and better... that's good right?

*cuddles Sarah* You're very welcome sweetie. We are an amazing bunch really. I'm very proud to be part of this ward.

We wouldn't do that, but I think you know that now :) I can imagine it means an awful awful lot.

*cuddles tight* Yes that is good, always better to look at the positives rather than the negatives. Make sure you look after yourself aswell Crimson x

Heh, it's the 25th here now, so not only is finally single days in my countdown to seeing my best friend, I'm also 7 months fee of cutting.

*sigh* now that I'm not as overheated and exhausted I have to go cover the front desk and do the court run...
I meant to do individuals before that but no time to get everyone... sorry.
so to not forget anyone i'll just send hugs n cuddles to everyone and say I did read all the posts for today and am thinking of you all *huggles*

what are the first signs of infection anyway? I have a slight idea but I may be wrong..... :(

huggles all. curls up and hides

ok, about 50 pages since ive last been on, so will have to read through in bits.

well, a bit of an update,
- i started college and am loving it, and i seem to be a bit of a teachers pet :)
- i found out i have arthiritis in my spine, and they want me to have cortizone injections :/ apparently they hurt like hell...
- i went for an interview today for a flat in supported lovong, and i got it!!! move in 4 weeks on monday :)
- have started going out with friends a lot more, so i now have a social life :D
- have done well with the si, and have stayed on my mediation.

so all in all life isnt too bad atm. hope everyone else is ok, and i will at some point get round o reading all the posts, will just take me some time, especially as my dongle has broke and i have sent it away to be repaired, but will try and get on a computer whenever i can.

*cuddles all*
xxx

Congrats Hels. It's my 25 months SI free :-)

*leaves extra hugs for lia* <3
*leaves teddies and hugs and care packages for everyone and yawns*
hopefully will be on tomorrow

*Hugs Crimson*

*Hugs Heather*

*Hugs Steph*Thats great news all round:-) And good news with your injections

*Hugs Kahlia* 25 months is HUGE !! Congratulations you :-)

*Hugs Jill*

*Hugs Shad* The first sign of infection is it feeling really hot and going red , then maybe a discharge later I think.

*Hugs Helen*

*Hugs Lia*

*Hugs April*

*Hugs Sarah*

Thanks Mark. :-)

*throws confetti for herself and Helen and anyone else who wants some because she is in the mood for confetti*
*offers hugs to all wardies*

How are you tonight Kahlia ?

Yeah, not too bad Mark. In a lot of pain in my R arm but otherwise not too bad. How are you?

I'm anxious at my parents but it's only for one more night , I want to injure perhaps because I can't whilst I'm here but I'm not massivly depressed just quite anxious heh . Still worried quite a lot about my friend but she texted me this morning , still concerned though . Hmm can you take pain meds for your arm ?

Thanks Kahlia, was really honoured that you'd remembered when it turned 25th in Aus, because obviously we hadn't quite got there yet here in the UK :p But we have now (obviously).

Steph, good to hear all your good news :)

*hugs ward*

Aaaaaaaargh!!!!! Someone please make this stop please.=(

*Hugs Jill* Whats happening ? are you okay?

Talk to us, Jill. We're here for you.

The devil is strong i am weak cant fight it anymore
not safe