I'm crazed Lindsay , the Wales and West (My landlords) Engineer just called and is coming over (To fix my toilet flush) at 4pm but I have an appointment with my nurse at 3.30pm across town 15 minutes and I've rung her offices to see if I can bring it forward to 3pm but it just rang and rang so I've left a message on her mobile , Why is EVERYTHING happeneing today? I got a volunteer shift at the cyber cafe for 11am on wednesday , today is getting on top of me a bit *Bites lower lip* I'm getting Lithium / anxiety / stress shakes

How are you Doing Lindsay? I know you have a stressful day too:S

*hugs Mark* I hope you manage to sort things out.

I've taken my car to the garage, which was scary because I never know if i'm parking in the right place. They have phoned and said I need a new radiator which will cost £69 plus VAT and work costs. They'll probably phone and tell me it's ready while i'm out with my support worker or getting my stitches taken out. My OT phoned to say that my psychiatrist has written me a letter to help with my ESA appeal and i've to go and collect it tomorrow. I briefly mentioned that I am struggling with thoughts of overdosing. I might get to talk to her more about it tomorrow if I can stay safe.

I.can't.****ing.do.this.anymore.

*Hugs April Tons* Whats up lil sister?

*Hugs Lindsay* It's good to speak to someone in person, please try and stay safe until you can talk to them tomorrow .

Well all my appointments are done with the exeption of the engineer (Who has popped out for parts for my toilet) . I showed up at my nurses office a half an hour early and she saw me after about 5 minutes which was good of her , It's good to talk to people who don't judge you for substance abuse and Mental Health issues , I'm tired and achey now I have no appointment to go to heh.

*hugs Mark* I can't stand it. Jarrod's still not back at work (starting the 3rd week that we have NO income whatsoever)... I am sick sick sick of fighting... I feel like there is no point to doing anything... I haven't seen the point in getting dressed/taking meds/eating breakfast prior to 9-10am in the past few days (when I usually get ready for the day by around 7 or 7:30am after USUALLY getting up at 6am)... I'm ****ing sick of Jarrod coming to bed hours after I do (when you are used to sleeping with someone next to you it gets really annoying when they don't come to bed at the same time you do)... I don't know. Can I please please please give up? since apparently I can't cut or starve or binge or purge or over-exercise or do anything like that?????

:crying:

April Hun , you know that those are all self destructive things to do , Could you maybe speak to Jarrod and come to a compromise about what time you BOTH go to bed together and then stick by that agreement ,like early some days and later some other days?
Also,
Can you claim any kind of benifits whilst you have no household income? you may be entitled to some money , however small , I don't know the U.S. wellfare system but just an idea.
We all care about you here in the ward , please take good care of yourself :)

*toddles into common room*

Hey there my fellow wardies, sorry I've not had a chance to go around the ward and catch up with everyone over the past 5pages or so, but my brain isn't up to it right now. Thinking of you all and wishing that there was something that I could say or do to help ease everyones struggles though.

I'm worried about tomorrow. I've got a work focused interview to do with claiming benefits here in the uk. I know I don't need to worry about being a fraud or anything, I know that with my physical illness and disabilities alone, let alone mental health, they will not try and get me back into work. But that's just the problem, going to these things makes me have to own up to how ill I am. How I've not worked for the past 4 and a bit years, how much I miss my job (drama tutor at stage school), how I feel worthless and a burden and a drain on the NHS and welfare system....it just makes me feel so so low, pathetic, waste of space. Its after things like that, that i'd usually SI. Its been 14months (with a minnor slip up at the 10month mark) now since I cut, but I haven't been through a major trigger like this in that time. So worried. Blah. Sorry for waffling on. Probably would be better if I wrote a journal entry, as I'm not really looking for advice. Just putting it out there if you know what I mean....

*toddles round giving out huggles to those who want them before heading out to the smoking shelter*

*cuddles april, mark, hayley, helen, lindsay jill, julie, felicia, RYUU, needhelp, rainbowsandbutterflies, and everyone else*

Sorry i just kind of ran off yesterday after asking for hugs. I had to leave my apartment otherwise i was going to do bad things. So i just wandered around for a little bit before heading off to work. Still feel like I want to cut this morning but i'm going to try not too, at least not until class is over this afternoon.

*huggles Laura* Sorry that your urges haven't passed yet, but you've done well and been strong so far. I'm sure you'll make it through class ok too. Just try your best and use whatever distraction techniques that you can.

My brain isn't up to doin a journal entry, I also think it may be better to not think about the situation too much now, I'll only get myself all anxious and in a tiz-woz. Best to distract myself, I think a dvd and Reggie time may be called for, and then I can use my journal to help me get out my feelings in a safe way tomorrow.

Catch up with you all then, distractions and Reginald rabbit here I come!

The devil is getting louder i try to drown him out with music but he is louder than the music

Cuddles all, today is getting to be to much, want to hurt so much right now. Such fuc@ing muppets today and I'm not up to taking there crap. Curls up and cries.

*hugs everyone*
ergh feel like ppl was staring when was eating lunch :/ cuz am yucky and shouldnts eat nuhuh =[

*hugs everyone*

Sorry for no replies, I just feel so low. I still want to overdose and think I should just go ahead with it. (Or phone the voluntary crisis team and see if they have anything to offer.) But i'd rather just do it.

*hugs Heather* you are not yucky. You're lovely =)


I... don't even want to try anymore.

* hugs one step closer * please call the crisis team try not to OD

*Hugs Lindsay* Please please phone the crisis team , They may be helpful .

*Hugs Felicia* I know the feeling of not wanting to try anymore but you WILL get out of this funk , It gets better it really does .

Lindsay, I think you should phone the crisis team.

Mark, I hope it gets better. I'm hanging on to the idea of it can't rain forever. It's so hard though. I don't want to go to school, I don't want to go to work, I don't want to socialize. I make myself do all three though, so that must be something.

Well.....I'm bushed , to tired to cut , well I just can't face cleaning up aferwards so I won't cut tonight , not an ideal way to do it but at least .... you all know .
So it's 8pm just gone and I'm going to take my meds and off to bed , I feel like a bad ward mate leaving so early so sorry , I hope everyone feels better about themselves soon
*Hugs*

Goodnight, Mark. Have a wonderful night:)

night mark <3

*waves to everyone*

*waves at Heather*
I spy Helen *Hugs*

Wow been 3 & half pages since I last posted.

*cuddles to everybody* Please stay safe everyone or try to :)

Been a really busy day here :) Was in college from 8.45 (started at 9) til 4.15 (should finished at 4.30). Tomorrow I'm in 9-3.30 unless anything gets changed :) Loving is so far, this week is induction week :D Then starting course properly next week :D So excited!! Horrible journey home, but I eventually made it home safely. Luckily my best friend was already on the phone, so I didn't flip out TOO much.

Now I'm off to make tomorrow's lunch, sort my bag, watch bit of tv, get ready for bed & crash out. Probably won't post again til tomorrow afternoon, we'll see.

Oh & can you keep your fingers crossed that I get my bus pass tomorrow (well one bit has arrived already) so that I don't have to keep paying £3.50 for daysavers!!! Should been here by now :@ Will have to phone tomorrow if it hasn't turned up. It starts tomorrow but no good til I get the other part.

Aaaaaaaaaaargh!!!! Why the hell do I bother.

*huggles all who can accept them* - I really wish it could be more. Thinking of all of you and sorry that you are all struggling. :-(

Not everyone is struggling. But hugs for you Kahlia and everyone who wants one. Well suppose I am a tiny bit :/

*hugs helen* i'm so happy that you enjoyed the first day!!!! :-D that's great! Hope that your bus pass comes soon!

*hugs kahlia* you okay hun?

*hugs mark* hope you are sleeping well. Don't feel bad about leaving early. Stay safe.

*hugs felicia and heather* how r you two doing? how's uni going for both of you?

*hugs jill* what happened? you bother because you are good person who cares about others.

Graduate school research is terrifying me and exciting me all at the same time. I have to go ask people for letters of recommendation soon though. I don't really know how to do that or who to ask. I never really got close enough with any of my professors for them to know me, and I never really needed extra help, so I didn't meet up with them outside of class. The idea of even asking makes me crazy anxious. Stupid social anxiety disorder.. i know this shouldnt even be that big of a deal.

*hugs Laura* Thank you hun :) I just sorted out my folder (well little while ago), plus made my lunch for tomorrow (think I need to buy a new lunchbox, mine is missing), got my PJs on, packed my bag & about to brush my teeth. Then soon watching something before sleepy time!!! Good luck with stuff for grad school!! Sorry it's making you anxious though, but it's understandable...

So angry! My mum is so hypocritical. *sigh*

I guess I should be used to it but nooo. I just want some peace.

*glomps Sarah & Laura*

*tiptoes off to hide in the warren, invisible* :'(

*huggles Hels* - Sounds like you are going to have some fun with college. I'm glad you had a good first day. Sorry to make it seem like you are struggling if you aren't - I'd had to quickly read several pages of posts and get a glimpse of how everyone was doing in general. I'll try not to be so general in future. Hoping that the second day went/goes well and so does the rest of the time. There will be hard times ahead but what do we say??? It can't rain all the time!

*glomps* - I'm ... starting to improve in regards to my physical health and the chest infection. My mental health is still ... not crash hot. I'm sorry to hear that graduate school is giving you problems. Is there any way you can sort of take it away from yourself? Like think of the professors as numbers on a card. "I just need to ask number x if he/she will give me the letter of recommendation, if not than number y" and so on. I don't know ... just a weird idea. I guess it comes from the weird ideas I've had people try and give me when it comes to stage performances with musical instruments, speech and drama, singing, musicals and dance. *shrugs*

*cuddles Sarah*

*finds April with her April-invisibility-detector and gently cuddles her and offers tissues*

*glomps April*

So frustrated with everything today :( could do with a punchbag to vent my anger with. *hides away*

Edit *cuddles Kahlia* we posted around the same time I think :p

*cuddles Sarah* - Yeah, it happens alot here. lol

I can't do this anymore. I can't hold on. I can't keep on being strong. Yet I don't want to slip back into SI, and can't really do ED behaviors without it "wrecking" Jarrod's life as well.

How I wish I could just die. Why is it that we wish this so much?

*gently cuddles April* - I don't know sweetpea. I wish I did. :-(

Cuddles all, lol it's totally not worth it. Lol it really isn't. so screw it I'm not even going to try anymore. Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha

I managed to turn around a really **** day and made it productive.
I just couldnt find the energy to get out of bed and despite waking up at 12:30 in the afternoon...I lay in bed until 04:15....and then i got up and after moping around for an hour decided to try and clean the house.
So....when I started going I cleaned the kitchen, the living room, the hallway, did the pots, did my washing and started to clean my room before I burnt out and had to stop.
Im proud...and disappointed all at once

Just dropping in to give anyone who wants one a *cuddle*

Alex: I'm proud of you for managing to get that much cleaning done by the way hun, you must have really been able to motivate yourself. Please try not to beat yourself up about what you might not have done but to think of what you did do.

Jill: *cuddles you*

*sends hugs to everyone* I'm so sorry I haven't been around.. really struggling ed wise.. got the ed people worried about me and *sigh* just all so overwhelming etc. I don't know. I'm just sorry I haven't been around <3

*hugs Katie* - Sorry to hear things haven't been great. Sending you my caring, warm thoughts. <3

*Hugs The Ward*

I didn't sleep for over an hour last night , my mind kept thinking horrid things but I was so tired I must have fallen asleep between 9pm and 9.30pm . I seriously considered getting up and S.I.ing but I didn't .

Helen I hope your bus pass comes today and am happy you are enjoying induction week :)

Sorry for the lack of individuals , I just feel a bit numb and need coffee

*hugs Kahlia* Thank you hun, how are you going tonight?

*hugs Mark* Glad you didn't get up to SI. *sends you a coffee* got any plans for the day? Look after yourself.

Gosh, don't even know what to say hey, cept I'm pretty scared about my next appointment on friday, I need to try not to lose weight before then coz I don't know what she will do if I have.. then again I'm tempted to just keep going just to see what will happen.. oh what a sick sick mind i have, stupid effing ed >.<

*Hugs Kaytee* I have a ear accupucture appointment at 2pm and then I am going to talk to the volunteer buero lady , . The accupuncture is very relaxing and Kat , who does it , is very nice and so is Anne at the volunteer buero .

I'm sorry you are struggling with your ED , try not to lose weight just to see what happens , Friday is 3 and a half days away , I know that can seem like a long time but if you take it a little chunk at a time it might fly by .

*Waves too Owen* Why don't you want to sleep?

Am home alone again feel unsafe the devil keeps telling me to kill myself and my husband didnt lock the pills away today

I cannot do this anymore. Can't. Just can't.

Yet I have to. Go figure. I HAVE to keep on going or else... well, I don't know what would happen. The earth would cave in or something interesting like that. ;)

Jarrod & I just had an argument. Over how I'm not following my meal plan. WTF?! I've BEEN following it... but apparently he expects me to follow it without me complaining about it. Well, Mr Perfect, I CAN'T EAT THE SAME ****ING THING DAY AFTER DAY WITHOUT IT GETTING TIRESOME.

:crying:

But he can (eat the same thing day after day without it getting tiresome) so of course he doesn't understand. But he doesn't seem to appreciate that we are different.

Oh and Mark, I dreamt that you and I were out to eat in London somewhere (some posh restaurant) and then my best friend's family came trooping on in to sit at the table behind us. Hahaha. It was an interesting dream. ;)

*hugs everyone who wants them*

I didn't phone the crisis team last night, I just went to hide in my bed and stayed there until about 11am when I had to get up to see my OT. I can't deal with this "life" any more.

*Hugs Ryuu*

*Hugs Lindsay*

*Hugs April* I'm sorry you fought with Jarrod :(
Why wasn't I invited to your dream dinner? hehe
I had weird dreams last night , not good weird either:S

No sign of the bus pass, boo!!

Tirrrrrrred.

Cuddles all. Erm being thinking off walking away again, not sure tho my heads so messed up right now. curls up