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Scarletdreamer 22-07-2010 01:46 AM

Lia, sweet, did you take care of the cut properly? You probably know this already but I wanted to check... *gentle hugs* It's funny, I feel so far away from SI already, and it's only been a week & a half... we'll see how this goes. :-/ I'm not so confident that I'll be able to stay away from cutting tools when Jarrod's gone back to work (next week - has been on furlough for 3 months!! so have gotten sooo used to him being around)... but we'll see. :-S Anyway, sorry for rambling.

Hels, I'm sorry that "that man" is bothering you. Is there any way you can get him to stop? block him somehow? If he knows he's upsetting/disgusting you, then he's not worth your time (which you probably already knew). Anyway... sorry my advice is stupid, it's all that I can think of though. *cuddles gently*

Crimson, hon, I'm so sorry that you went to all of that work... :( That had to be so freaking infuriating. *extra cuddles* I'm sorry I don't know anything else to say... feel so useless tonight (key word = "feel," not "am").

I tried playing WoW for a bit and managed to do so successfully... but... I don't know. It's just frustrating how my guild is so damn focused on "get to 80 get to 80 get to 80" when I'm a much slower leveler since I can't do dungeons due to anxiety. I HATE THAT. I won't leave my guild cos I love my guildies, but their play style is soo much different from mine. *sigh* Sorry, WoW-speak again... :-/

I'm so freaking warm. Maybe I'll go sit in front of a fan again... this stupid flea-ridden apartment only has 3 windows that open... and five different rooms (not counting the bathroom). :( ARGHHH... I can't wait to move out... so really pray/send good thoughts to Jarrod when he goes to MEPS (physical fitness eval before he can go to basic). I don't know when that'll be but I'll let y'all know. I just am so sick of fleas, of no a/c... arghhh!!!! :'(

*hides in a hole and cries to self*

Scarletdreamer 22-07-2010 01:47 AM

Hiya Oliver... *hugs* ...I'm sorry that you feel all those things... I wish I/we could help you feel better, in some way/shape/form. Let us know if we can? *extra special hugs*

frenchhorn 22-07-2010 01:58 AM

*hugs April* well done for lasting a week and a half, you should be really proud, I hope you can stay away from sharp things while jarrod is away because you have done so well so far. I'm sorry its so warm and humid, that is horrible. Good luck to Jarrod for his fitness assessment, hope it goes well for him, whenever it is

thanks, don't think there is anything anyone can do, guess I'll be hanging around in here a lot, I'm back home at my parents now, so missing all my friends from uni and groups and missing Alex.
plus weekend grandmas party with loads of old people, will get a mixture of names and pronouns, joy. got birthname and she all tonight while cousin and aunt and uncle here, it hurts a lot.
then off to a music course in 2 weeks, where i have to be a girl, really ****ing with my head.
plus home is just home with shouting from my father all the time.
sorry rambling on about me, shouldn't

*hides*

frenchhorn 22-07-2010 04:10 AM

updated my RV thread.

*hugs all*

SoMuchMore 22-07-2010 07:15 AM

*hugs helen* im sorry that you are being bothered by certain people and that guy. Hope that you can find a way to block him.

*hugs oliver* Its always fine to ramble about yourself in here. I'm sorry that not all of your family respects your name/treats you as you are. I bet that's really hard/frustrating... Sorry, I know I probably sound really ignorant about this type of thing. Hope things at home don't get too bad with the shouting.

*hugs crimson* sorry that you had such a frustrating day at work.

*hugs april* It sounds like you really need to move out of that apartment with the fleas and it being so hot and all *installs a free a/c unit for you* (i'm quite virtually handy lol). Hope that it at least cools off to a more reasonable level soon. Good job on over a week without cutting! You can make it through jarrod going back to work. Just keep trying to fight and move forward if you can.

*hugs lia* glad that you head has cleared up a little since earlier today. Sorry you were having such a hard time.

*hugs kahlia* sounds like you had a productive day. well done!

*cuddles for everyone that i missed* i didnt intentionally ignore anyone.

let it stop

Doikers 22-07-2010 11:13 AM

*Hugs Oliver* I'm sorry you are having a tough time with people and having to be a girl , that must be so frustrating :S

*Hugs April* A week and a half !! Thats good going , you're doing really well :)

*Hugs Laura* I would miss your posts too Laura and you have every right to receive support in here just like the rest of us:)

*Hugs Helen* Hmmm I hope you can get rid of the man who is bothering you soon .

*Hugs Crimson*

*Hugs Lia*

*Group Hugs*

wolfos3d 22-07-2010 12:34 PM

*waves* I had my second doctors appointment today. I almost fell asleep in the waiting room, and then during my appointment. I'd had plenty of sleep too. I suppose I should have mentioned it while I was there. :/ I did a mental health plan thingy and my doctor told me that I'm currently too low to start seeing a psychologist. I have to go back again next week and I should be referred to someone in the next couple of weeks.

And I get to start playing Ice Hockey next month! It means my arms will be on show (between padding) during training and I absolutely cannot cut there EVER again. Which will be difficult because I really have no desire to cut elsewhere. It's gonna be tough. I really want to play though, I don't want to have to miss out just because of some silly problem. :(

Doikers 22-07-2010 01:16 PM

*Hugs Jessica* I hope you get referred to a psychologist you like and get on well with . :)

wolfos3d 22-07-2010 01:21 PM

Thanks Mark. *huggles* How are you doing?

MammaMia 22-07-2010 01:26 PM

Thanks everyone, he finally seems to stopped texting me again, hopefully won't hear from him again *shudders*

*cuddles all then hides*

shadowedsoul 22-07-2010 02:11 PM

Curls up in corner, trying really hard to not do anything stuiped, really want to tho. Just want next Friday to be over really don't want to wait would rather know now. =(

Scarletdreamer 22-07-2010 02:52 PM

*cuddles all* Wish I could do more... seems like a lot of us are struggling right now. :( Jess, I hope that your ice hockey goes well. I totally understand not wanting to cut anywhere but your arms, that's how I was/am. Laura, how are you doing? and Mark? Hels, glad he's stopped texting you. Jill, love, what's next Friday? Oliver, I'll try & read your r/v in a bit... sorry it's not more.

There... lol... individuals but in a very shortened manner. :-S Sorry, I really do care, it's just my head's in an odd place right now. :-/ Don't know how to explain it though.

Had more nightmares last night & am utterly exhausted because of them. :( They were truly awful. :'( But I just want to go back to bed... keep thinking that "maybe this time I won't dream/have nightmares" but that is hardly ever the case. :'(

*sigh*

*hides in the warren*

Doikers 22-07-2010 02:53 PM

*Hugs Helen * Good that the man had stopped bothering you :)

*Hugs Jill* What are you waiting for Jill ? sorry if I forgot I hope you are coping okay :)

MammaMia 22-07-2010 03:02 PM

*cuddles April tight* Nightmares are a bitch, I had one last night, really triggered me ha. Hope yours stop really soon darling.

*cuddles Mark*

Doikers 22-07-2010 03:09 PM

*Hugs April* I spot you!

I also Spot Helen and Oliver*Hugs*

I've taken the laptop into my old bedroom at my parents , hmm its still full of my stuff but I don't want to take it all to my flat as my flat is a fixed 2 years tenancy and I want to wait until I am in a "Permanent" place before I move my stuff , make sense ?, I'm really worried I won't have anywhere to go when my tenancy is up , my housing support worker seem to be slow at geting me points on the points system(that I don't understand) with the council. hmmmm :S

frenchhorn 22-07-2010 03:10 PM

*hugs April* thanks. I'm sorry you had nightmares again last night.

*hugs mark* how are you?

*hugs Jill* what is happening next friday?

*hugs Hels* I'm glad he has stopped texting you

*hugs Jess* that sounds good about doing ice hockey and maybe it will be a good insentive to start cutting less and stopping, sometimes we need something to make us do that.

*hugs laura* No you don't sound ignorant, it is really frustrating to be called the wrong name all the time. How are you today?

*hugs all other ward mates*

nicole94 22-07-2010 04:28 PM

am so nervous about next week :/

Doikers 22-07-2010 04:30 PM

*Hugs Nicole* Whats happening next week Nicole ?

nicole94 22-07-2010 04:47 PM

*hugs mark.* im going to this adventure place in swindon for 3 days with group :/

Doikers 22-07-2010 05:36 PM

Well that sounds like it could be fun Nicole ! but I understand being nervous about being stuck in a group for 3 days *Hug*

nicole94 22-07-2010 05:39 PM

*hugs* im exited, but very nervous, and also, although pretty much every one of us self harms or have self harmed in the past. for some reason im nervous about them seeing my scars :/

FlyingNy 22-07-2010 06:31 PM

Random, but does everyone else's family know, or at least have known in the past, about their mental health troubles? Because none of mine have any idea. Some of my friends know parts, but no one knows everything and the fam have no idea about anything. I've just considered the fact that might not be normal and is taking the mask a step too far.

How's everyone else?

Nicole, I hope you have a good time on the trip, I'm going camping with my senior section for a week on Saturday. I understand showing your scars must be nerve racking, but remember no one there is going to judge you, they've all been there themselves and this may help you.

x

SoMuchMore 22-07-2010 06:42 PM

*hugs nicole* i hope that you have a good time at the camp. I would be nervous too i think, but ultimately it could be a great time... just keep an open mind.

*hugs lia* to answer your question, yes my parents know about my mh stuff and i think my sister does too.... they found out after they raided my room a few years ago and found some writing that i had done (I was less than pleased that they did this... to put it lightly). If you want to tell your family, i think you should. Sometimes i think it can be very helpful for family to know.

*hugs mark* yea that makes sense about moving. Hoping all that housing stuff gets sorted out for you.

*hugs helen* i'm glad that he stopped texting for now. Hope you are feeling at least a little bit better.

*hugs april* sorry about your nightmares. I really hate dreaming. I've been having some strange ones lately, not nightmares per say.. just strange dreams.

*hugs jess, jill, and oliver*

I'm beyond anxious right now. Going to go exercise with a friend and just realized that my shorts dont exactly cover all my new SI stuff... and its like 90 out so wearing pants is going to look stupid.
What a screw up I am. I almost pride myself on how well i can hide things and I can't even get that right at the moment. hah.

PoisonedApple 22-07-2010 06:52 PM

Quote:

Random, but does everyone else's family know, or at least have known in the past, about their mental health troubles? Because none of mine have any idea. Some of my friends know parts, but no one knows everything and the fam have no idea about anything. I've just considered the fact that might not be normal and is taking the mask a step too far.
To answer Lia, a friend knows most but not all, my other friends know little to nothing and my husband knows little (i warned him I was broken going into the relationship but he thinks I'm all better now...) My other family knows nothing at all.

PoisonedApple 22-07-2010 06:52 PM

I spy Laura! *pounce huggles*

FlyingNy 22-07-2010 06:53 PM

Laura- Heck no I don't want to tell them! They would think I was pathetic and stupid. They would never understand and call me all sorts of things. I would rather die than tell them. *Hugs* You're not stupid, it's the short's fault, not yours :) But knee length ones? Or crops. I wear crops a lot. Leggings and a long top? Or a dress? You're not a screw up, and being able to hide things isn't always a good thing, as I have long since discovered.

xx

misskitty112 22-07-2010 07:10 PM

*hugs everyone*

Our first performance is tonight... I'm so nervous.

FlyingNy 22-07-2010 07:31 PM

Good luck Felica! I know about performance nerves! The first night's always the worst though, and it's only the first few minutes. Once you get into it, they all just fall away and it'll be fine. Thinking of you!

Just before I go on, I always hum to myself, quietly mind, or imagine the audience in their jammies, or dressed as marshmallows. Not naked mind, I always find I am just too disturbed to perform when I do that!

xx

Doikers 22-07-2010 07:37 PM

Hmmm well my Parents know and my sister knows some but I'm not sure they know I still S.I. but they know about my depression but thats it , I certanly don't discuss it with them and I don't really intend too.

And.....

Break a leg Felicia !!!:)

PoisonedApple 22-07-2010 07:49 PM

Good luck Felicia, have fun. :)

So your family basically thinks you're all better too, eh Mark?

PoisonedApple 22-07-2010 07:49 PM

*peeks at the bottom*
I spy Helen and Mark! *surprise attack huggles*

shadowedsoul 22-07-2010 08:30 PM

Hmm thanks guys for the hugs, okay what's happening next fri.well I could be looseing my job,and that means so much crap I really hate myself right now. Sorry I know it's not that big a deal. (shrugs shoulders) it's just another kick when I'm down.

Doikers 22-07-2010 08:53 PM

Quote:

So your family basically thinks you're all better too, eh Mark?
Well they know I have depression . But I don't fill them in on the details especially since I moved out . But only my Parents ( and my sister to some extent ) know . No-one else in my family know.

*Hugs Jill*

FlyingNy 22-07-2010 09:10 PM

I hate this, I hate this I hate this! It's too confusing, too scary. Bloody hell why can't I just know?! I quiet, seculded place where I could scream as long and loud as I want would be lovely right now. I can't take this.

Scarletdreamer 22-07-2010 09:22 PM

What's up, Lia, love? *gentle hugs*

Oh and to answer your question, yes, my parents found out about my SI in 2005 (I started in 2004) and were PISSED. I was planning to tell them actually, because I didn't want it to get as out of control as it had gotten at that point, but... they found out first. :-X A friend I knew from online had called them, actually, and told them... I forgot about that... :-S

But I keep them up to date on most of how I've been doing, minus the psychotic stuff, because that just worried them (the 'rents) too much. I think. I don't really know. Anyway... :-/ Hope that all made sense.

Sorry I haven't been posting much today, went over to my parents' because our power went out for an inexplicable reason (? no idea ?), spent most of the day there, just got back. The power is (obviously) back on... but I feel crappy, warm, icky, cramps, guhhhh. :'(

Oh & I took a nap at my parents' and had a lotttt of weird/strange dreams. :(

*hides in the warren*

FlyingNy 22-07-2010 09:37 PM

Nothing, don't worry about it. I'm bang-tidy.

Sorry you're still having the dreams. I'm not sure what to suggest. Maybe you should toast marshmallows on candles at 3am if you wake up from a nightmare. It's fun. *Climbs in warren with you* You can throw me out if you want, but the company's there if you need it. Perhaps you should get sleeping pills or something. Lol, which reminds me, on the side of a box of sleeping pills once, it said 'side effects may include drowsiness' surely that's the idea? Mind, apparently a side effect of tablets for bipolar disorder is mood swings, which makes them a bit pointless if you ask me.

x

katnovia 22-07-2010 09:49 PM

*hides in the warren still shaking* I've been diagnosed with anxiety, depression, PTSD and a form of personality disorder. Dr says I dissociate, and that i've split off personalities due to past abuse. :( ...I'm awaiting the offical letter that he's sending the psychologist.

MammaMia 22-07-2010 09:53 PM

*cuddles everyone*

Doikers 22-07-2010 09:54 PM

Ha! Lia *Hugs* Side effects of my anti-depressants include depression , and the side effects of another med I'm on is " Sudden unexplained death" Hmmm

*HUGS Kat*

Scarletdreamer 22-07-2010 09:54 PM

*cuddles Kat & Lia* No, Lia, love, I don't mind the company... Kat, you can join us in the warren if you'd like. :)

Lia, that's funny about the sleeping tablets' warning... lol... :P But I've been given all of the prescription sleep meds that exist, I think, and they didn't do anything. Except perhaps make me more awake. The problem's not that I'm having trouble getting to sleep, or even staying asleep, it's just that I have awful dreams when I do sleep. :( I think it's the Tegretol if you ask me, but meh, my NP didn't seem to believe that, so maybe not. I don't know. And I'm still struggling with the side effects from the lowered Abilify. :( *gentle hugs* Oh, & you didn't sound bang-tidy when you typed your last post... just wanted you to know that I'm here for you if & when you need to talk. *extra special hugs*

*cuddles Kat* I have anxiety, PTSD, and PDNOS (personality disorder not otherwise specified)... so I can kind of feel your pain. I don't have split personalities, so to speak, either, but I can also relate to that (although not to the extent with which you struggle with them - if that made any sense at all!!). *extra special hugs to you too* Is there any news on Hazel? and how have you been lately?

Scarletdreamer 22-07-2010 09:55 PM

aHA, Mark & Hels!! *glomps the both of you* :P How are you doing today/tonight??

FlyingNy 22-07-2010 10:02 PM

Kat- I've never been diagnosed with anything because I've never been to a doctor, so I won't say I know what you're feeling because I don't, but I guess now you know. It can be a comfort to have a medical term put on something. Plus, hopefullly you can get appropriate help now. And yes, do join the warren mandem. :)

Thanks April. I'm not, you know my version of 'bang-tidy', but hey, what can I say. It's me, I'm not gonna go pouring my heart out any time soon. Mainly because I've forgotten how to. I'm too scared. Anywho, hmm...I don't know what other advice to give then. Maybe you'll become immune. I've had so many nightmares now they don't bother me like they used to. I'm just relieved when I wake up. *Hugs*.

Doikers 22-07-2010 10:03 PM

Room for me in the Warren?......

Scarletdreamer 22-07-2010 10:12 PM

Of course, Mark. :D *group hug*

There's also room for you, Crimson, if you care to join us. :) How are you doing, btw?

And yeah, Lia, I'm hoping that either 1) they [the nightmares] will go away soon, or 2) I'll get immune to them. But at the same time, I don't really want to get immune to them... I want to be able to FEEL and feeling the pain/fear from the nightmares is all part of human expression. If that makes any sense at all I will be astonished. Hah.

*sigh*

katnovia 22-07-2010 10:17 PM

*cuddles helen* how are you?

*big hugs for mark* how's it going? I've read your last few posts, and I'm proud of you for telling your SW. *special cuddles*

*Crawls to where april and lia are in the warren and cuddles april* Hazel is stil at home with me, and i'm still on 24/7 supervision with her. I have a care conference on the 27th where an independent chair is going to help decide what is going to happen. I'm terrified. Everyone says i'm not going to loose her, but i'm still afraid. I've just been put on antidepressants, but i can't remember what they are. I'm feeling overwhelmed because CX means it's not so easy for me to sweep in under the carpet and pretend it's not there and that i'm just making it up and it'll go away. Infact, now i've had it diagnosed Im certian he's wrong, or at least part of me is.. i'm so confused.*extra special hugs* How are you doing hun? Been praying for you.

FlyingNy 22-07-2010 10:24 PM

I don't like to feel, but at the same time I do. I once went into what I call 'complete ice queen mode' I literally had no emotions. I seperated myself from them completly during an argument and was so cold. I was just feeling nothing and shut down totally. It was kind of scary knowing nothing could break that barrier.

And sure Mark, join us (that didn't sound creepy at all...).

xx

Doikers 22-07-2010 10:24 PM

*Hugs Kat* Thankyou :) I'll keep you in my thoughts for your case conference :)

Wriggles down into the Warren to join everyone for the night.

katnovia 22-07-2010 10:31 PM

*hugs lia* spaced out there and didn't read everything i'd written until posted. i didn't mean to miss you out! I just re-read.

Scarletdreamer 22-07-2010 10:43 PM

Lia, I shut down like that sometimes too... and it is weird, feeling that way. I used to do it a lot more frequently than I do now... but now that I'm, well, healing I guess? (that feels SO WEIRD to type out!!) I want to be able to feel. Even the bad feelings. That's why I've been crying so damn much lately. Because I've finally been feeling everything I've never let myself feel before, if that makes sense. *gentle hugs* I hope & pray that someday you'll get to that point yourself.

*gently cuddles Kat* I will be praying for you too, sweetie. Thanks for asking - I've been alright, gave up my blades in case you missed that bit, so I've not been cutting for nearly 2 weeks. Feels like longer than that, lol. But I'm not planning on ever going back to that lifestyle, and hopefully won't "need" to... but with Jarrod potentially going into the army... :-S I'm scared. Anyway, overall, I'm doing okayish. I guess. There have been bad bits and good bits. But thank you so much for the prayers; they are definitely appreciated!! :) *extra hugs*

Take care, Mark... how have you been doing, btw? you haven't updated us, I mean really updated us, in a bit. At least, I don't think you have. Unless I missed it. :-X How's the time at your parents' going?? *cuddles & tucks up in warren bed in case you are going to bed now* Sleep well & SWEET dreams... :)

I'm so freaking tired... argh. :( It royally sucks.

*hums along to Delain and decides to journal or read a bit*

frenchhorn 22-07-2010 10:45 PM

*lies on the floor of the warren* I has a bad back, so I have to lie on the floor


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