*cuddles April*

is very lonely around here today.

yeah, it is lonely in here. sorry, i've been off and on today.

so anxious right now it's not even funny. (then again, it's never funny.) just finished "alice in wonderland" (the movie) and it was okay, but still triggering... gahhh. feel awful right now, just want to sleep... so sick of life at the moment.

*cuddles crimson*

*hides in a corner and cries here because she can't cry irl*

updated r/v for anyone who cares... it's a long entry so beware, and kind of repetitive...

:'(

will try to read later april. *cuddles some more*

thanks, love. *cuddles back* how're you?

an' i spy a kahlia!! *glomps* hehe... :)

Don't know why I ****ing bother.

what's up, hels? bother with what? *cuddles tight*

i'm sorry if it's seemed like i've been ignoring you... haven't been on purpose. :(

Yeah it has felt like that actually, amongst everyone else, sorry if that upsets you (or anyone else) but it's the way I ****ing feel. I know we're all struggling, so can understand not asking me how I am, but no need to ignore my hugs/presence, surely?

I'm pissing everyone off tonight, I'm going to ****ing get offline because I'm just going to keep making it worse. Should just **** off & die, I'm a piece of worthless **** after all. Not ****ing amazing or special or anything else people say that I am.

So ****ing FED UP OF THIS ****ING ANXIETY AND LOWNESS. I RUINED IT TONIGHT. I ****ING RUINED IT BECAUSE I WAS LETTING IT HOLD ME BACK.

*hides and sobs*

hels, sweet, i'm so sorry that it's felt like that... i understand why, too, and i wish i could make it better. you are amazing and lovely, you just can't see it now where you are... i'm sorry. i wish i could make everything better for you and for everyone else in here. i did miss you whilst you were on vacation, and i'm sorry that i didn't express that sooner than now. you are not a piece of worthless ****... you may certainly feel like (i do too, guhhh) but that is not who you intrinsically are.

what do you mean, you've ruined tonight because of anxiety/lowness??

*extra special cuddles if you don't mind?*

oh and you're not pissing me off... just so you know. :)

*cuddles Helen* Sorry it's all i can muster currently...

as for how i am april...i don't know *points to vets support thread* i'm a little of everything at once I think.

I'm not amazing & lovely. Everyone can see it but won't ****ing admit it, well my friends won't anyway. I'm just going to die an old lonely woman aren't I? If I haven't committed suicide by then. I wish you could & that could make it better for everyone else too but we can't. I am a piece of worthless ****, you however, aren't. I ruined a good conversation tonight with my best friend, well more the good mood, even if it's 'fine' now, by not opening up. I was allowing my anxiety & fear of feeling worse hold me back. I did open up a little bit but it wasn't good enough on this occasion, which is understandable I guess. Thanks for the cuddles *cuddles back*

It's okay, thank you for the cuddles *cuddles back*

well, i'm going to be stubborn and stick to the truth that says you are not a piece of worthless ****. :) i'm sure that everyone in here would agree with me... whether or not you believe them/me is up to you, however, i would rather believe the good than the bad. i know that we both have masochistic tendencies and prefer to believe the worst about ourselves, but where does that get us? sorry if it seems like i'm "preaching" at you, i'm just saying what i know is true. *cuddles* i'm sorry that you ruined the mood of a conversation by being too anxious to open up, but sometimes that's how it goes... i am not by any means making light of your situation, but sometimes it's just not the right time to open up, if that makes sense.

sorry, i'm rambling now and probably making no sense at all... :(

Not safe right now... but I wanted to say:

*hugs helen* If I've ignored you at all I'm sorry. I also missed you while you were gone. You are not worthless though. People won't admit it b/c it's not true

*hugs april* i'll read your r/v in a bit

*hugs crimson* hope you are alright.

laura, love, please please please try & stay safe... *holds you gently* read my r/v whenever, it's not a priority. your staying safe is a priority.

*cuddles all*

Thanks april *cuddles* I read it, just to let you know. I don't really have any advice at the moment... my head isn't really working that well. sorry.

*cuddles to all who can accept* sorry I will catch up with replies and reading rv threads when I can.

Life atm is getting way too much, major stresses in my life, depression also getting worse, cutting a lot more again, plus my gf has been through so much.


plus with dealing with all my own stuff, but then I feel bad that I'm effected by my stuff, cos its not as bad as what has happened to her, so I feel I should just be able to dela with it and get over it and I can't and I feel like a failure, I'm sorry everyone.
Also I have to be out of my halls on sunday morning and have no where to live yet, viewing tomorrow morning though which I hope we can get, but that on top of everything else, I'm just falling apart.

*hides*

*hugs all and waves at those who can't accept hugs*
*leaves special hugs for Helen and all those who are struggling right now*

sorry for the lack of individual replies.

i just want to say to oliver - i've been on the other side of the fence (situation with your gf) and it's no easier for her. maybe talk to her about what you can do? i don't know, maybe just being there will be enough, letting her know that you will be there and you won't "run away". try and keep the lines of communication open. but remember to take some time for you, as it is/and will be really hard on both of you. i just want to send you some special "virtual hugs" in this troubling time.

sorry, not really feeling up to much at the moment. i'm living on xanax. i had been trying to keep off them as much as possible so that i could move to a pain patch and reduce the amount of pain meds i was on but with the anxiety basically keeping me in the house it's no longer an option.

i don't know what's wrong with me. i'm scared to walk out onto my balcony. my muscles tense into the "flight or fight" response just by walking down the stairs. i had to go to the docs today and they pushed my appointment forward because i told them about my anxiety.

i feel incompetent. like a massive waste of space. like nothing is worth it anymore.

sorry. i'm just wasting your time. sorry to the one or two of you that read this. i'll just go back into hibernation.

Kahlia, you're not wasting our time sweetie *cuddles tight*

Oliver, if it helps, I have a very close best friend who was attacked in the same way on the same date. So last year when it came round, we just tried to do our normal activities which was watching X Factor & talking on MSN. I think it helped distract her, but she knew I was there if she wanted to talk about it or anything. Don't know if that helps at all??

Laura, I hope you kept safe sweetie.

April *cuddles tight*

Sorry for last night.

*hugs oliver* I think that kahlia and helen both make good suggestions. I wish i had more advice. Sorry. But I am thinking of you

*hugs kahlia* i always read hun, and you are definitely not a waste of space. Sorry your anxiety is so bad. Glad that you have a doctors appointment soon.

*hugs helen* No need to be sorry hun. Its hard when you are feeling invisible. How r u doing today?

It's 3:30am. I should sleep. Stupid me. My friend did come over for a few minutes, but it was very short so i didn't get to talk about much. I put a little bit in my r/v if anyone is interested, but its really not much. Still not really safe, even after a SI-ing a little bit. Hoping if I can get to sleep it'll pass maybe. At least for a few hours anyway.

I'll go read your R/V thread in a minute, need to catch up with a couple anyway. *cuddles tight* Look after your wound sweetie. I'm feeling pretty **** :/ Hope you get some sleep soon x

*Hugs April* Internship over , woo hoo !!!

*Hugs Helen*

*Hugs Laura*

*Hugs Louise*

*Hugs Kahlia*

*Hugs Oliver*

*Hugs Crimson*

Sorry no words I am trying to get out of bed but feel so low I think I'll just crawl back into bed until midday then force myself up . I'm so pathetic , I don't even know why I'm so low , Brain chemistry I guess. At least in bed I can't harm , not that I have the focus to do even that ! :S

I'm just gone 11am and I'm up , I don't know if thats a good thing , at least I'm trying I guess

Sorry feeling very unsafe.

*Hugs Jill* No need to be sorry , anything I can do ? I'm sorry you are feeling unsafe :(

Hmm thanks mark, holding me and not letting go, really want to do something stupid, had enough, sorry for being needy.

*HUGE Holding hugs for Jill*
Please try and be safe not not do anything "stupid"

*pops in and whizzes around ward to see all her fellow wardies, being careful to not disturb those sleeping in different time zones!*

hey guys... I would ask how you're all doing, but its a bit of a silly question when we hang out in here....so I'll ask everyone..."whats your favourite sound?!"

Sorry I've not been in much, to be honest I've needed to come in here and update my journal as things have been crazy and wierd recently but I was scared that I relied on RYL too much and now that I'm 'sane' that i shouldn't need it. But hey ho, I think I've got through the blip, well I'm telling myself that...oh I'm going to shut up as I don't want to start thinking again...

Anyhoo, I've had my hair chopped off and lightened up a bit ready for summer. Eoghan wasn't too pleased, haha!! Reggie is still being an adorable nightmare and chewing all the things that he's not meant to and ignoring all his toys!

I think of you all lots and wish I could do more for you all. Sending love and positivity your way in HUGE amounts!!

Huggles all round!!!!

*Huggles Hayley*

Thanks mark, I'm trying to it's really hard I know what I want to do. And if I did I wouldn't chicken out like last time. Had enough really have feel very unsafe. Curls up

*hugs everyone and hides in the hardest to find place in the garden*
Hayley I must see the new hair cut! I demand before and after pictures! And you don't have to only be here when you're feeling "crazy".

Sorry everyone no real advice in me today but thinking of you all.

*hugs helen* I'm sorry you are feeling badly still.

*hugs mark* It is good that you are trying, that is very important!

*hugs hayley* its good to hear from you! And like Crimson said, you don't have to stay away b/c you are 'sane' unless you need to stay away to keep sane, then we understand.

*hugs jill* please try to stay safe.

*finds crimson hiding the garden and hugs her* Don't hide, we'd miss you.

So... I got a call earlier this morning from a friend (S) who said that she needed to talk. The problem is that she lives with the girl my ex cheated on me with and is now dating (T)... but S said she couldn't leave her apartment so I went over there b/c that is what I do... I'll drop anything for anyone. Luckily, when I got there only S was there. Unfortunately, after about 15 minutes my friends got sick and was in the bathroom, i was waiting in her room when T came home. VERY awkward situation as T doesn't like me in their apartment and S wasn't there to defend anything. My friend came out after a few minutes and said sorry that I had to walk over to their place only to have to go home after a few minutes. I'm home now, but I feel so Weird. Awkward. Bad. Angry at T again. Unsafe.

Sorry, i needed to vent.

*hugs laura* <3
that sounds awkward :(

i gotta go for a bit but try and take care all of you :) <3

Sooooooooo anxious, been hanging round for days on/off :'(

i'm anxious too, hels. it really sucks. especially as i've already had all of my meds that i usually take. and i really don't want to take another klonopin as i'm running out - need to reorder. gahhh. :'(

it's been kinda quiet in here today, don't know why. or maybe not, maybe just my imagination. dunno.

feel really out of it at the moment. so tired. have spent most of the day on wow, which has been nice, but my eyes are tired of looking at wow-screen, hah. my druid on silvermoon is now nearly level 47 though, and my priest on silvermoon just dinged 63 a bit ago. dungeon-running for the win... heh. surprisingly i wasn't too anxious to do it today, either, with two of the guildies i met irl in january.

*cuddles everyone* sorry not many individual replies... i feel really selfish for not but i feel quite like **** at the moment... sometimes more than others. thinking of you all though.

I can't cope :'(
Another night gone wrong, neither to blame on this occasion.
My ex boyfriend (sorta dumped him, but he doesn't know) is being a PRICK.
You wouldn't believe that spending time with my sister stopped the anxiety & suicide stuff temporarily.
ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRGH just least take my anxiety away :'(

*cuddles everyone* sorry for lack of individual replies.

*goes away*

*cuddles Laura*

Sorry for my lack of them too.

*huge huggles for everyone who wants them and a big plate of freshly home baked sundried tomato and olive bread*

I really wish I had more to offer, but its quarter past midnight and I should have given in and gone to bed hours ago. I'm so gonna regret this in the morning. Especially as I have to make decisions and I dont want to, I just ant to spend time with Jack and not worry about visiting other people and work and sh*t.

New alters again. tiring of this now. oh and infection in surgical wound for operation that doesn't seem to have worked.. sucks.

*huge hugs for Kat* If it's okay. Hope you get some much needed sleep soon sweetheart.

You okay Amy?

It's okay to not exercise every single day. So you shouldn't feel bad about not doing some. Can you have some more sleep if you're so tired?

i cant go back to bed i spent half of yesterday in bed:plain: not good *rubs forehead* i think i need some water

*gives water*
eat something?
<3

i think i need to be in a psych ward - in a safe place. but there isn't one - not in this town. i don't know where else to turn. i'm freaking out at everything - the smallest sound, people walking down the street, sitting on the balcony when the door is open, sitting on the balcony when the door is closed, people making noise in the stairwell.

i am such a freaking failure.

i can't do this anymore.

i'm so sorry. :crying:

you're NOT a failure kahlia, i dunno what to suggest unfortuantely but you're definitely not a failure <3
here if wanna chat x

*cuddles for everyone*

Morning.
You're not a failure Kahlia , not at all.*Hugs*
Sorry for the lack of replies , I JUST got up and haven't had my first coffee yet

*Group Hugs*