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Doikers 23-04-2010 11:01 AM

*Hugs group* I'm sorry some of youare struggling so much , Hayley I hope your friend has good news and Helen remember we here care , you are a kind and caring person :).Happy Saint Georges Days to you too!

Sorry for the short post , net access is more limited here at my parents house

frenchhorn 23-04-2010 11:11 AM

*hugs helen* I'm glad your phone company have sorted it out, thats good to hear. I don't like tea or coffee either, my grandma says I'm very unsociable because of that.

*hugs hayley* I hope you get to hear from your friend soon

*hugs Mark* I hope its going ok at your parents

even though i feel like complete **** I am determined to tidy my room, go to my lecture, go to Asda and start the reading for my essay.
*off to get his morning toast and fruit juice*

MammaMia 23-04-2010 11:16 AM

*hugs everyone*

Mark, I know you guys care. Just have outbursts of paranoia & convinced everyone's pretending to care etc. I guess I am a kind & caring person. Well I know I'm caring. Don't always agree with kind hmm. Hope it's going okay at your parents

*hugs Oliver* I'm glad they've sorted it out too. Just got to take on real phone company. I.e. the one I wanted to take a phone contract out with & a second one aswell. As they need to cancel my old contract now. Wow, we're 'very unsociable' together then :P Wonder what she'd say about us drinking Hot Chocolate instead? Assuming you drink Hot Choc!! I'm sorry you're feeling complete **** too. Go you for being determined to tidy your room, go to your lecture & Asda. Aswell as reading =) Good luck with that :D Think I might attempt to tidy my room :/

frenchhorn 23-04-2010 11:24 AM

oh yes I certainly drink hot chocolate, and according to my grandma that just isn't good enough, she said you can't expect everyone to have hot chocolate in their house, she is rather strange. good luck with tidying your room too. :)

MammaMia 23-04-2010 11:30 AM

How rude, she does sound strange but in a good way :) Thanks for the good luck :D My boyfriend just extended my smile. Awww!! We've only been together just over two weeks. He makes me so happy. Anyway, he just text me to ask what got me upset last night (must have seen my pathetic status), so I told him & he was like let me come round after work & I'll chill & cheer you up =D

*grins* He really does make me happy. LOL, if I'd told my last boyfriend this, he would have been like 'oh' LOL!!! *squeals happily*

frenchhorn 23-04-2010 11:37 AM

yes she is strange, but I guess in a good way, I think one of her strangest moments was christmas day last year her first conversation was on how she wanted to die by heart attack and then went on about it for a very long time and she talks for England and at a very loud volume as well!!

I'm glad your boyfriend is being supportive, he sounds like a great guy and its good he makes you feel better.

MammaMia 23-04-2010 11:40 AM

Bless her!! If you get me going enough, I can also talk for England!!! :p I'm glad he is too :) He is a great guy. We've been friends for nearly 3 years anyway & he was there for me a lot in 2007 & 2008, we were close. Then didn't talk much for ages & last few weeks been talking much more. Now we're together lol =) But still friends tooo.

CrazyHayley 23-04-2010 11:52 AM

Long chit chat with my best mate over, it was ok, she wanted some financial advice and help with budgeting and prioritising. So that's ok, when I'm sane I have a good head for things like that. I was worried she was having relationship problems or problems with the kids that'd get me all worried or anxious. Tis ok though. *smiles*

*huggles Mark* Happy st.georges day to you too! Thanks for popping in whilst at your parents. Hope things go well for you there.

*huggles Oliver and Helen and passes them both a mug of hot chocolate*
I never used to drink tea or coffee, it was only in the summer of 2008 when staying with Eoghan's Gran whilst he was in Afghanistan that I discovered how I could cope with the taste of coffee! Gran kept taking me to pensioner coffee mornings and I felt a bit rude just eating the biscuits, so I tried coffee numerous ways until I found one that was ok and I could drink! I was also in desperate need of the caffiene and gran didn't have things like diet coke in her flat. It was also with Eoghan deploying to Afghan that I discovered camomile tea. Before that my only hot drink was hot chocolate. Though now I'm vegan, hot chocolate is a little more complicated to make!

Helen - I'm glad your new boyfriend is supportive and makes you happy, long may it continue! Oh and good luck with the other phone company now.

Oliver - good for you being determind to get on with your day. I meant to say last night when reading your post how in awe I am of your musical talent. I used to play the clarinet, I only got to grade 4 though. I still miss it sometimes, but my focus was just too split on too many things and something had to give. But for you to spend over an hour perfecting 7 bars, well thats true dedication and I always wished I had had the ability to learn peices of music from memory, but alas I never seemed to have that aptitude. Words were definately more my thing to memorise. Anyhoo, just wanted you to know that I have a little understanding of what you say and I think you're an amazing guy. Ooh whats your favourite type of music to play? I remember the first time I played in orchestra and played the star wars main theme - I thought it was sooo cool, lol.

Sorry, major music waffling then....I've been watching the tv series of fame from 1982 again! Oh how I wish I was talented like them....*daydreams of playing clarinet whilst acting and wearing leg warmers!!!!*

MammaMia 23-04-2010 12:03 PM

*big cuddles* Glad it was nothing serious & that you could help Hayley :D Yes may me & the boyfriend long continue. I think we will :D :D Fingers crossed anyway =) I've struggled having relationships in the past, but I think a lot of that was down to the person I was with last. Some of it was down to me I know that...

frenchhorn 23-04-2010 12:09 PM

*takes hot chocolate- thank you*
thanks Hayley, words were never my thing hence the essay panic, its the performing side I guess I can do, I just love performing. My favourite music to play, now thats a tough one, I love playing in orchestras, especially in a big tutti horn tune, its amazing you get such a buzz, I love playing in my wind quintet(flute, oboe, horn, bassoon, clarinet) if the music is good, although being the loudest instrument you often get told to play really, really quiet, I love wind bands if they and the music are good, hence why I like NYWO(national youth wind orchestra of GB) its amazing and being principal is fun and you get lots of lovely nice solos, then I also love playing solo music, my favourite horn solo music is classical and romantic stuff, Haydn, Beethoven, Mozart, F and R Strauss, plus I like most solo horn music, but those are my favourites. Sorry havn't really answered your question lol, I just sort of rambled but basically I like playing the horn, even if its a really dull part, like the concert I was in yesterday!!

mmm RYL is so distracting, I've been up for a couple of hours, managed to shower, get dressed and have breakfast, but havn't made a start on anything else, I guess it can all wait until after my lecture which is in 50mins.

CrazyHayley 23-04-2010 12:12 PM

Helen - you are young still and have been through so much, so relationships in the past have been a learning curve for you. I didn't find Eoghan until I was 25 and as we have looked back there were a few times in years before when we were seperated by as little as a door in a corridor! but the time wouldn't have been right and we wouldn't have been the same people that we were when we eventually met. I truely believe that everything happens for a reason and I am so pleased for you that you are with someone who has been friends with you and understands you. You deserve to be happy and safe. *extra huggles*

*huggles Oliver* I see you! lol

I'm trying to decide whether to get up or just flop on the sofa for a bit.... It's Eoghan's first public gig tonight so I need to be feeling as well as possible for that and be awake and bubbly at 9pm, not getting into my pj's! So I need to take it easy and conserve my energy and not aggrivate my pain levels. But I feel like I'm being lazy if I just loll around, damn my sanity, If I was PMDDin I wouldn't even think twice about getting up, I simply wouldn't! haha! Oh well.... I shouldn't complain, there are so so many worse things, just seems weird is all, when I want to get up, I know I shouldn't....ho hum

*finds a spot near the window so she can relax and rest and still enjoy the spring weather*

CrazyHayley 23-04-2010 12:18 PM

Ah Oliver, you posted as I was typing so I didn't see your response! Well I'm glad for you that you love so many differnet types of music and the way in which you play and contribute to the overall piece. It keeps things different and fresh and as long as your passionate and get the buzz thats the main thing. I'm sure you're much better with words than you realise. It seems that a lot of us in here don't have much self belief, we're all too hard on ourselves, over achievers and all I see are amazing, talented, intellegent people around me. Hope the lecture goes well and I'm sure you'll get done what needs to get done.

Oh and yes RYL is such a distraction, but its a good distraction, I know I wouldn't be here today to be friendly and positive if it wasn't for RYL. I think I'm going to watch some more fame actually....

*sings* "Fame! I'm gonna live forever, I'm gonna learn how to fly! High!"

frenchhorn 23-04-2010 12:25 PM

mhmm yes it is a good distraction.
have fun watching fame!
*goes out to garden to wonder around*

MammaMia 23-04-2010 12:27 PM

You're right Hayley. I'm still young still (as are you!!) & have been through so much. I agree, so relationships in the past have been a learning curve for me. Aww that's sweet about you & Eoghan. I always could (and stil can) tell that he makes you really happy :) Thank you for what you said, about being pleased for me & how I deserve to be happy & safe. *snuggles*

I say chill & conserve your energy for later lol. I know it must be hard at times, well I can imagine, to wanting to do things on good days but having to conserve it for particular things & stuff. *cuddles lots* I'll chill with you. I've already given up on doing anything LOL. Although I will have to try attempt to get washed & dressed if I'm going to allow my boyfriend to see me. I wasn't going to because of stuff, plus my Mum will be here. She's had the whole week off, well she would have been off today anyway. But yes, could be fun :P

Fammmmmmmmmme, I wanna live forever & I'm gonna learn how to fly (or something like that anyway!!)

xxjuliexx 23-04-2010 01:11 PM

*grumbles and kicks things then curls up in a corner and grumbles*

frenchhorn 23-04-2010 03:09 PM

*comes in finds people and hugs them all, sits in a quiet space, eating his lunch and listening to the Archers*

CrazyHayley 23-04-2010 03:20 PM

*takes fame induced leg warmers off*

*huggles Julie* whats up sweetie?

*huggles Oliver* enjoy your lunch, I've just had mine.

Think it may be time for a nap soon.

MammaMia 23-04-2010 03:34 PM

*cuddles everyone*

What's wrong Julie.

Argh my good mood is faddding. Trying to desperately hold on. Keep having attacks of dizziness, should be used to this....

frenchhorn 23-04-2010 03:36 PM

*cuddles helen* try to keep holding on, sorry your having dizzy feelings, i get them too and they are horrible.

MammaMia 23-04-2010 03:54 PM

Thanks Oliver :) *cuddles* They suck & are horrible. Passing out isn't much better. Not that I have for a little while. :) Trying to hold onm...

one_step_closer 23-04-2010 04:55 PM

Hi everyone.

MammaMia 23-04-2010 05:46 PM

Hi Lindsay. *cuddles*

Doikers 23-04-2010 06:27 PM

HI All *Group Hugs*
Spent most of the day in Hereford with my Mum , Lil Sis , Bro in law and baby neice , we saw the cathedral which was pretty spectacular and they have a cafe IN the cathedral so we lunched it up big style ( Well soup and an apple :))

Now I'm back at my parents i've taken the laptop into my room ( The room that was mine when I lived here and I'm sleeping in ) , I 'm getting more and more suicidal thoughts . I've thought how , and when(ish) and where and how to get there and about making a will and tidying my flat so it won't be to much for my parents to deal with on top of it all ,and I've thoughtabout how to say goodbye but I can't get my head round that one. I don't feel scared about it all just so so numb :/ I hope that didn't break any rules , sorry ,I just needed to get it out somewhere.

frenchhorn 23-04-2010 06:45 PM

*hugs and sits with Mark* is there anyone you can talk to about how you feel, your parents, or any family members. or can you call a help line.
please stay safe, we all care about you a lot in here and your a great guy.
*extra hugs*

PoisonedApple 23-04-2010 06:46 PM

Morning everyone. How are you all?

I had an interesting evening yesterday. Had to explain to M why it is unacceptable for J to tell my kids she doesn't like x,y and z foods and "i don't eat what i don't like" ... my kids are easily influenced by other people's opinions when it comes to food so I try not to say anything biased when I have them try new things so I get a true reaction. and my kids eat what they're given for a meal or they get in trouble... so her comments could be bad for them more than her...
Then a friend of mine that I haven't seen in at least 6 months came over. She just found out a little bit ago that she has Lupus. Interestingly enough J doesn't like her and thought that should factor in on whether or not she (A) could come over. -Well sorry there J but A is a friend of mine and practically a member of the family so if ya don't like it you can stuff it!- :D
Not sure how I'm doing yet this morning but so far it's been uneventful... might even get to relaxing and peaceful at some point before I go home and start wanting to throw people off my balcony again lol

PoisonedApple 23-04-2010 06:50 PM

K now that I finished the post I was making before I ran downstairs to open the office...


Originally Posted by frenchhorn (Post 2257589)
*hugs and sits with Mark* is there anyone you can talk to about how you feel, your parents, or any family members. or can you call a help line.
please stay safe, we all care about you a lot in here and your a great guy.
*extra hugs*

This ^^. Feel free to PM if you need. *cuddles*

*leaves everyone huggles*

MammaMia 23-04-2010 06:51 PM

*cuddles everyone*

SoMuchMore 23-04-2010 07:52 PM

*cuddles everyone* Sry about the lack of individual replies but there have been like 3 pages since i was on here last. I read them all though. I'm sorry that some of you are having such a hard time right now tho.

I stayed in bed forever this morning. Kept telling myself that i was getting up but then would fall back asleep. Lazy. But i had strange dreams... Some of them were hilarious though b/c i was dreaming that i was going on vacation to england, so it made me think of all of you guys that are from there :-)
The swimming didn't go badly yesterday. Either my friend that i went with either didn't notice(which is kinda unlikely... they are kinda obvious right now) or just didn't comment.. which was good b/c i was in no mood to talk about them.
Hopefully I can get some uni work done today. I sometimes get in this cycle of freaking out where i just sit and think about getting things done rather than actually doing them. I should prolly get ready for the day tho.. i mean after all it is already 1pm here.

Doikers 23-04-2010 08:57 PM

Thanks for the hugs and words of support guys , I don't feel like I can tell my parents or my sister and my great friend Hannah has problems of her own so I don't want to dump it all on her . I have lyrics from this song going around my head all day .


I'm sad right now , at least it's an emotion , a break from the numbness.

I'm sorry I don't know how to hide the video , I hope the trigger warning is ample

PoisonedApple 23-04-2010 09:07 PM

Mark~ I had never heard that song before or seen the video. Thank you for sharing but might I ask that you add graphic to your warning? Trigger warning can just have to do with the song itself but part of the video startled me I guess is the best way to put it... I'm ok though no worries :)
If you can't talk to family or friend what about a crisis line? *huggles you and wishes I could make it all better*

Doikers 23-04-2010 09:13 PM

Crimson , I've put *Graphic* in the trigger warning , sorry I left it out , my mind is so preoccupied , Man! I'm so selfish

PoisonedApple 23-04-2010 09:16 PM

:) not selfish just preoccupied. No harm no foul. Just was unexpected. Thanks.

MammaMia 23-04-2010 09:31 PM

*curls up and rocks*

PoisonedApple 23-04-2010 09:36 PM

*sits n cuddles Helen* Do you wanna talk about it?

MammaMia 23-04-2010 09:44 PM


Really struggling. Trying to keep safe. Can't type much at the moment. Got start of my migraine, but I get visual distubances, so can't see too well even more until they'bve passed :( Bleh.

katnovia 23-04-2010 10:46 PM

* shuffles in * can I check in for a bit? not feeling quite the way i'd like to, feeling like it's all gonna cave in around me fairly soon. *finds a spare patch of wall and sits propped up against it hugging her knees*

Kahlia1981 23-04-2010 11:01 PM

*huggles everyone*

Sorry I'm really not doing too well at the moment and am not keeping up with everyone all that well.

I just wanted to say:

Mark: Thanks for sharing that music video. It was really moving. Suicidal thoughts, and especially if you have a plan, can be really dangerous, so please try to talk to someone IRL if you can. I know it can be pretty hard. *hugs you*

Helen: Sorry to hear you still are feeling pretty crap hun, although I'm glad you had a bit of a reprieve yesterday (um, not quite sure when it was with the time-zone's -talking about with your boyfriend). I really hope things start to pick up. *hugs you and sits with you*

Crimson: Wow, that did sound like an interesting evening. I hope you didn't want to start throwing people off the balcony ... although I must confess to having those feelings at times ... *hugs you*

Laura: I'm glad the swimming went well, and you weren't asked questions that you weren't in the mood to answer. Don't fash (stress) yourself about a "lazy" morning. You must have needed the rest. I hope you managed to get yourself up and ready and sailing into the day. *big hugs*

*hugs Oliver, April, JK, Jenny ... anyone I've missed*

Katnovia (or do you prefer Manda Jane?): Welcome to the ward. Feel free to come in whenever you like. If you aren't feeling quite right just jump in and have a chat and we'll see if we can help. If nothing else we can be another set of ears to listen and a shoulder to cry on. Is there anything we can do to help at the moment?

PoisonedApple 23-04-2010 11:10 PM

No. Not really off the balcony but I almost threw the 16 yr old sister in law out the front door to sleep in her mother's car. She thinks because she's 16 acting her age means throw a fit, refuse to do anything or clean up after herself and argue with everyone no matter what. Since I work full time, home school my 7 yr old and do school of my own I figure I shouldn't have to clean up after and argue with someone else's teen aged brat. Realistically that's all she's being is a brat. And my kids (3,5 and 7) know to clean up after themselves. I told her yesterday that I shouldn't have to spend all day working and all night cleaning up after her while I cook dinner and that she needs to grow the **** up. Her response was to refuse to talk to anyone or leave the kids room. She even ignored G (my 7 yr old) when she went to ask if she was gonna eat... So we didn't bother to feed her cuz I wasn't gonna spend another hour of my time arguing with her. In the end M got so tired of it she cleaned up after her (M is her sister that's 2 yrs older).

MammaMia 23-04-2010 11:58 PM

It was today, well here anyway...*cuddles Kahlia* He never did make it round :(

Kahlia1981 23-04-2010 11:59 PM

Crimson: Geez, I can understand how irritating and frustrating that would have been. I think I probably would have thrown her out of the house and into the car! Although off the balcony does have it's merits ... :p (just kidding) Sorry you had to have that aggravation.

PoisonedApple 24-04-2010 12:19 AM

Oh with her it's a regular thing. She's lived with me 3 times and her aunt once in the last 2 years. She's was kicked out of here twice so far and out of her aunt's house. She was such a rotten brat there that she was told she wasn't welcome back. She can visit for an hour but only if her mother is there and when her mom leaves so does she. And her aunt has 4 of her own kids, 2 of them older than the brat so it's not like she isn't capable of handling teens just the behavior issues are too much. Personally I'd send her to boot camp if it was my kid but then the local military academy will only take kids that volunteer to go and if they get out of hand they get thrown out... The wilderness therapy places and boarding schools cost up to 10,000/mo.... dealing with her I think I'd get better responces if I were talking to a brick wall most days.

Kahlia1981 24-04-2010 12:25 AM

Hels: Sorry that he never made it round. *big hugs*

Crimson: Sounds like some major behavioural issues. I hope you can manage to get some respite from her though.

frenchhorn 24-04-2010 12:28 AM

I'm sorry, I cut and quite badly, I'm sorry for no individuals replies, sorry I'm so useless, I had a v bad night, stood in front of the mirror for ages calling myself a freak and telling myself I was going to kill myself.

now I'm really confused, the boy who I was on about a while ago, who said he didn't want a relationship due to health problems is talking to me again online and I'm really confused about whats going on.

MammaMia 24-04-2010 12:29 AM

*big hugs for all*

Kahlia, it does indeed!! Mehhh :(

Oliver, PLEASE look after your wounds, go to hospital if necessary *cuddles gently* I'm sorry you've had a bad night.


PoisonedApple 24-04-2010 12:29 AM

Yeah... when people in my house drive me bonkers too much I tell D I'm gonna stay with a friend for the weekend. Either I get to go away for a while or he deals with the issue and I have some peace... win win guilt trip. lol

PoisonedApple 24-04-2010 12:31 AM

*cuddles Oliver*
Hun, you are not a freak. Please look after your cut. Have you tried explaining to him why you're confused and see what he says?

frenchhorn 24-04-2010 12:36 AM

we're talking on msn now, I'm stressing I've never been in a relationship before and he has and I'm stressing over everything, arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

frenchhorn 24-04-2010 12:43 AM

ok, he said he likes me and wants to be with me, but is scared cos the last person left him cos of his epilepsy, I'm going over to his house tomorrow night and staying over so we can chat about stuff.

PoisonedApple 24-04-2010 12:49 AM

*huggles Oliver* yay! *crosses fingers* hope it goes well :D

Scarletdreamer 24-04-2010 01:57 AM

I'm sorry guys, I tried to catch up on posts but I just can't, not right now. I'll try tomorrow morning though, or later tonight. I am so ****ing anxious right now... I am so stupid... and mean-hearted on top of that!!

I got a 70% (C) on my exam... the lowest grade I've ever gotten since I switched majors (2007). That makes my class grade a C+ ... which is NOT ACCEPTABLE!!!! And this is a ****ing intro level class (1000 level, and I'm taking all other 3000 and 4000 level courses [1000 = freshman, 2000 = sophomore, 3000 = junior, 4000 = senior level courses])... and this class is the one I'm doing the worst in. :crying: I AM SO DUMB!!!! :crying: I still have a final paper and the final exam to pull up my grade... so I've got to really study for those so I can at least manage a B in the course... :'(

And then I got on WoW tonight and decided to level a little toon, and got challenged to a duel by another player who was 2 levels higher than I was, and he challenged me about 6 times with me declining each time. I don't do PvP (player vs. player) and with the logistics of the classes of the toons at those levels (lvl 6 [me] and lvl 8 [him]) I wouldn't've stood a chance at winning. And so I got called a wimp, then I said: "so you have to resort to calling people names to feel good about yourself? nice..." then quickly logged off, all in a tizzy.

So, I'm mean. :'( Never should've let my temper get the better of me...

I just feel like ****. I want to die... I want to cut. But I can't, **** it all, because Jarrod's at home... well, he's out getting supper now, but... no time to really "do it properly" and be all bandaged etc. So can't. Damn it... :crying:

Sorry for the rant, just had to get it out and didn't mean for it to be here. :'(

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