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Hello my fellow inmates! *hugest loving supportive group huggles!!!*
I made it out to Spritiualist Church for the first time this year, so I'm feeling rahter wiped out but pleased that I made it and could send out healing prayers to a lot of people, it makes me feel that at least I'm trying to do something positive. I need to update my journal but I'm too shattered to do it now, but it's because of a phonecall I had with my father yesterday and what I've posted him today. The truth of the past 12years will finally be out in the open. I hope that I've done the right thing. I guess I'll know from my father & co's reaction in a few days. If not...**** 'em...right?! I wish I'd been able to get online yesterday though after speaking to him, I was having a fag and really missing you guys. Eoghan was doing his best to comfort me, but I don't know....he sympathises with me, understands to an extent, but sometimes I don't need words, but I just need to know that someone out there knows EXACTLY how I'm feeling, won't try to fix me, but will just hug me, even if its just a virtual hug. Does that make sense?! Sorry for no individual replies but it was a busy day that I missed and I'm far too wiped out to go through them all, but I did read all of your posts and am thinking of you all and wishing everyone peaceful dreams and safe days whatever time zone you happen to be in! *goes out to smoking shelter before toddling off to bed* |
hey guys, *hugs* hope your all feeling as ok as possible? ive had a good weekend :D but not im feeling......bleurgh. i wanna cut. but i know i shouldnt....
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*cuddles everyone*
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*cuddles all*
I'm not feeling great. Really anxious. :( Jarrod's car's battery went low, for no apparent reason. My dad had to come & jumpstart it... don't know if it will start tomorrow to get him to work, and if not, then I'll have to arrange for my dad to pick me up on his way in to campus (he teaches where I go) so Jarrod can drive my car. It's so... anxiety provoking, and I don't know why. :'( I feel like such a ****ing wimp. I want to cut, too. And I know it would be deep, and bad. I see the social worker tomorrow and I'm scared... don't want to be honest with her. And a friend of mine thinks that my old therapist, the one that hasn't contacted me in nearly 2, or a little over 2, months (forget now how long it's been), gave up on me - even though she said she wouldn't. :crying: That hurts to even think about... I don't want to be considered "chronic" and a "failure of a client" ... *hides in the dark with Puppy Sinclair* |
*cuddles April*
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*cuddles everyone* sorry no individual responses right now.. there have been like 3 pages since i last posted... but i read all and have been thinking of you guys.
Confronted my ex about the cheating... He said he didnt tell me b/c he was trying to protect me... I dont really think thats a good excuse though.. Anyway, i wasnt overly hostile or anything. The only thing that i said that could be construed as mean was that i dont like this girl and that i didnt think that the both of them cheating was a healthy way to start out a relationship. I know that i didnt do anything wrong... but i just keep asking myself, what makes her so much better than me. Thats stupid tho, i know thats a dumb question to ask but the answer is probably nothing. *sigh* I'm just angry and confused. Ive been friends with him for 7 years, we dated for 4... idk how to not be friends with him... but i hate him... I can't wait to get out of this town. 1 year. |
*cuddles Laura*
A thread's really got on my nerves. So quick to judge. Sure people would be the same with me if I hadn't lost her. Despite it being through -thatword- :/ *sit and rocks* |
*hugs everyone*
I got back to sleep and woke up about 5 minutes before my alarm went off this morning. Made it to my pdoc appointment. He was running late so I managed to get in a quick fag before seeing him. He's upped my topiramate. He agreed with my logic and could see that I was better - and hear it in my speech. Then walked to the bus stop - missed the first bus home so waited for the next one. Got off across the road from the pharmacy. And walked home. We just had a friend over for a while which was good. We also walked up to a shoe store and I managed to find a nice pair of sandals for $75. In this shop that's cheap. But I do have very unusual feel and, because of my allergies, have to be very careful. Anyway, I've pretty much done everything that I had to do today. I'm still feeling kinda blah. Perhaps a bit meh ... I actually had to walk away from my friend and housemate before. They were talking about rape and I started to get a flashback so I just walked away. Thankfully I was in the kind of place where I could do that. I really don't feel all that crash hot right at the moment. But hopefully things will start to settle shortly. *cuddles everyone then disappears into a dark corner* |
Laura , not telling you because he was "protecting" you is a lousy excuse , I'm sorry .*Hugs*
April, did you get to meet your social worker today ? how did it go ? I hope it went /will go well for you.*Hugs* *Hugs Kahlia and Helen* I'm triggered , it's frustrating because I felt kinda ok last night . I've tried Music , going for a walk being online and I end up still being triggered ugh .sorry . perhaps I'll have a bath that might help. Oh OHHH! April My new Superchick album arrived today ,I really like it :) |
*GROUP HUGGLE!!*
I've slept lots but as it is when my M.E is bad, sleep does not refresh or restore me and the fatigue I feel craves my body to rest more. I'm used to it and I know why I have my bad times, its just bloody annoying that I feel ill on my sane days. I don't have many sane days in a month, it would be rather nice if I could make the most of them. I'm not even much use to you all in here at the moment as my brainfog gets in the way of doing individual replies. I plan on resting more, perhaps dying my hair if I feel up to it, its about 2weeks overdue and looking a state, but if I'm too poorly to go out - what does it matter? Maybe I'll feel more with it this evening, M.E symptoms can change as quickly as the weather so I've learnt to take things hour by hour. 'til later then my lovely chaps and chappesses! *toddles off to smoking shelter to look at the beautiful spring flowers blooming...oh and to have a fag or two of course!* |
*cuddles everyone*
Sounds like a mixture of good & bad Kahlia. Doikers, try keep fighting the urges *big squishes for Hayley* Hope your ME settles down soon sweetheart. |
What does ME stand for? *is confused*
*cuddles all* My SW appt went okay... no hospital for now, although she seemed concerned when I said that I was a cutter... and I am planning on cutting ASAP because I really wanted to this morning but couldn't (didn't tell her that bit though). It was a bit weird though as she didn't even make me contract to be safe until our next appt (next Monday). So yeah. :-/ I'm really exhausted. Just want to feel better, or die. I want to be elsewhere. But I did get some uni work done, which is good... *hides in the dark* :crying: |
The following content has been hidden - Reason : What is ME...
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Thanks Hels. *cuddles*
I spy a Mark!! :) I just cut... and not in a good place. :-/ It's fine, but I'm a little worried what my NP is going to say about it tomorrow. Oh well. :-S *hides* |
*cuddles April* Please look after you & your cuts :( *cuddles some more*
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I don't want to look after me and my cuts... :( R/v thread updated. I'll try to take care of me etc. though... at least for now. :(
How're you, Helen? *cuddles up next to* |
*hugs April* Are your wounds gonna be ok? please be careful and keep it clean , I know you know that already
Whats an NP? sorry to be dense Sorry we must have been typing together * Edit* |
I wish that I was back in hospital, life is too hard.
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*hugs one step closer *
I think that sometimes , I just want to be in hospital again sometimes .Just to let you know you're are not alone :) |
*cuddles April tight* Please try? For me? :) I'm hanging in there, somehow. Been a better day I guess. Been distracted :)
*cuddles Mark & Lindsay* |
I spy Mark! lol *hugs*
*hugs april* im sorry that you cut :-( And please take care of yourself like everyone has said. *more cuddles* *hugs helen* Glad that today hasn't been so bad and that u've been distracted. *hugs lindsay* hang in there hun. I know its hard. *cuddles hayley and kahlia* Trying to get myself to leave my apartment... Its hard today. I feel like I am falling apart. Life is trying to break me.. |
Never felt so alone in my life
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*cuddles helen so maybe she feels a bit less lonely*
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*huggles everyone*
Tdoc appointment today ... blech. Got to catch a bus in less than two hours and then walk the rest of the way there. *sigh* Time to start getting up-and-at-'em I suppose. *huggles everyone then ducks out into the smoking shelter for a quick drag* |
*cuddles everyone and hides in denial tent*
Can't cope with this on my own. |
I bandaged the cut... it's in a bad place and I'm scared that people will get angry with/concerned about me if they find out... especially my parents as they have no idea that anything "bad" is going on right now.
Am so ****ing anxious... hate it. *cuddles LauraStar* What's up, sweetie? *cuddles Hels* Maybe that makes you feel not quite so alone? ♥ I spy you!!! :D |
We must have been typing at the same time
*cuddles* Glad you've bandaged it up sweetheart. People being concerned is just them caring about you sweetie? *snuggles* |
I don't want people to be concerned about me... at least, not my parents... but at the same time, I do. I know I don't make any sense... :(
How are you, love? *snuggles* The SW I saw today thinks that maybe being so active online is detrimental to my socializing IRL. I don't know. She thinks that I need to seek out, as I put it, "real people" (lol, sorry for that) and hang out with them... not that she doesn't think that it's good I'm getting support from you all. So I don't know what to think about that. :-/ |
Oh and Mark, NP = nurse practitioner. She gives me my meds. (BWAHAHA!!!)
How's everyone tonight?? |
It made sense sweetheart. I get like that...*cuddles*
I'm not good. I'm really tired, so tired that my body is tired & aching. But alas, I cannot get back to sleep. I fell asleep watching tv.... Plus a load more **** has hit the fan. I can't cope as it is, without anymore. ****ing hell man. Can I just die now pls? :/ |
*huggles Helen* I'm sorry about the more **** hitting the fan... I understand... don't know exactly what's going on with you but I understand the feelings at least. I'm exhausted... time for bed soon but not yet as we just ate supper & I get panicky if I lie down with a full stomach when I'm like this. I HATE ME... and a friend told me that I DON'T have a plan to kill myself, which made me feel kind of like I'm not really being taken seriously. If that makes sense. I'm sorry, my thoughts are all disjointed tonight... :( |
curls up in corner under a blanket hides form the world.
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Barlowgirl <3 I love their mirror song :D
*cuddles everyone* |
*hugs kahlia* hope ur tdoc appointment went okay.
*cuddles april* im sry if u feel that ur friends arent taking you seriously. If it helps at all, we take u seriously here, and it only really matters whether u think u need to be taken seriously or not. Just b/c ur friend cant see it doesnt mean its not true (ok i dont mean to sound like u should be not okay.. just that dont let ppl invalidate ur feelings) Anyway, i'm glad u bandaged ur cut.. keep taking good care of it. *cuddles helen* im sry things took a bad turn today... its hard when it feels like **** is hitting the fan... *hugs jill* I would do almost anything to escape from life right now. I dont understand... I keep trying to figure out what to do.. and i cant concentrate. |
*cuddles LauraStar* I can't concentrate either, and I really want to "escape from life" too... it's all too much right now... even getting up & staying out of bed for a long period of time is difficult. (I don't have any difficulty getting up, but staying up is hard!!) I'm sorry that you feel that way too :( it sucks. Oh, and the stuff with your ex, him saying that he didn't tell you because he was "protecting you" - that's bullshit, pardon my language, but it is. *holds you gently*
It's a certain friend that I feel doesn't take me seriously... I don't know. I mean, I said that I thought I had a suicide plan just because I knew what I was going to do (which technically IS a plan), but she said no, I don't have a plan unless I know exactly when/where/how I'm going to do it and am determined to do it. And she was a psychology major, so she knows what she's talking about. I feel really stupid. :( *hides* |
*hugs all*
tdoc appointment today was seriously a waste of time. He spent the entire session writing data into the computer ... asked me a total of 5 questions. Seriously, I might as well have not even have been there ... Meh ... Not in a good place right now. Really strong urges towards su. Like really, really, really strong. Have promised my housemate I'll tell him before I do something though. *hugs everyone then slips into a dark corner, sits down, rocks back and forth, starts crying and hopes that she'll just disappear and everyone will forget about her* |
*holds Kahlia and rocks with her* Hon, I'm so sorry you're feeling this way... and that the tdoc appt was such a waste of time. That really sucks. Is there anything you can do right now to get your mind off of the suicidal urges? *gentle cuddles*
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*cuddles into April* I'm trying everything I can think of. I've taken 1 mg of Xanax so hopefully it'll put me to sleep. I think that's probably the best for me at the moment. My housemate's going to keep a close eye on me for a while. Just so over all this.:crying:
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Awh... I understand, I am "over all of this" too... but sadly that doesn't make it go away. :( I wish that it did...
I am at my parents' house right now and have to keep my hoodie on so they don't see the bandage on my wrist. :-S I am a little worried about them finding out... no, make that a LOT worried. :( I don't want to worry them or make them think that I need to go into hospital. My NP will probably already think that. Mmmm old jellybeans... they are sticky but still yummilicious. :) I probably shouldn't be having candy but it was only a few. Heh. I feel really dumb. :crying: |
*Hugs April ,Kahlia ,Laura and people I'm sure I've missed :(*
I am anxious , off to my parents for the week this afternoon , will be hard to find the space to S.I. , I am fighting the urges right now . Can I join the group that are over this? I've had way more than enough of my depression....... |
*curls up next to Mark* Sure, join the group... heh. Not sure it will do any of us much good but at least we can be tired of feeling like **** together... :P
Just updated my r/v thread. Hope the time with your parents goes well, Mark. Will you be able to get online whilst you're there? If not, we'll miss you :( and if so, yey, maybe you can keep yourself from SI'ing. Please take care of the wounds if you do end up SI'ing though, 'kay? (I know you know this, just reminding you) *cuddles* I'm so sick of life. Honestly. I just want it to be over. :crying: |
*cuddles everyone and then hides in denial tent*
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*hugs april* oh i know what u mean about the whole getting out of bed thing... It is so much easier to be asleep sometimes. And you are not stupid or dumb at all. Hope that u are doing alright.
*hugs kahlia* im sry ur appt. was sucky. Hang in there. I hope that u fell asleep so that some of those thoughts went away. *hugs mark* good luck at ur parents. Maybe you wont have to SI. Keep fighting those urges. *hugs helen* I know what my ex said about protecting me was bullshit.... but i am still having a hard time dealing with it. I feel like he broke me. Not b/c we arent together but b/c he cheated and lied, and that goes back on every promise he has ever made to me. And another bad thing is that while I am having trouble holding thoughts/emotions in.. they are not reflected in my affect.. which makes me think that ppl are not going to take me seriously b/c i will smile or have no emotion at all while talking about things... except when im talking to my ex... hes the only person that I dont hide with... or... idk, maybe its not hiding, b/c its not like i am doing it on purpose. *sigh* ppl always leave.. Slept very badly... i might go back to bed after my 1st class for awhile before my looong evening of classes... yuck. |
Such a failure :(
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*cuddles LauraStar* I'm sorry that you still feel like **** over your ex... it'll take awhile to get used to the thought that he "used" you, I guess... never been in that situation so if my advice is crap please ignore it!! :-/ But I do understand what you're saying. *more cuddles* How are you doing otherwise? When you say that you are having trouble holding thoughts/feelings in, you mean that you ARE holding them in and that's the problem? And yeh, a nap sounds lovely!! Just got up from one myself, actually. :P
*cuddles Helen* You're not a failure, love. What's up?? I best get on with schoolwork... will have to leave for campus in a bit, and I just remembered that I forgot to grab "New Moon" to return to my friend, and I don't want to go back to the apartment with our landlord fixing the ceiling in the kitchen (you open the front door and walk into the kitchen, basically, so yeah). ARGH. Oh well, I'll see her on Thursday too, can return it then. *hides* :( |
I feel like a total utter failure.
Really worried about someone, hopefully they'll be ok :/ :( |
*cuddles helen* u are not a failure. I hope that whoever u r worried about is alright, and that u are okay as well.
*hugs april* At least ur ceiling is getting fixed, thats good! And i agree.. naps are great. imma go take on in a few minutes. And yea, sometimes i have problems with holding things in... but lately, its more that i have been talking a little, which i guess could be seen as a good thing, but when i talk I dont come off like i care... or like I am talking about something that isnt at all serious to me. I guess it's prolly from years of hiding what im feeling... but for example, with the situation with my ex, ppl expect me to be outwardly upset... but its all inward for me except for the shaking.. i always shake when im upset, but nobody really notices b/c i try to keep it under control. Oh, i dont know, i shouldn't have brought this up maybe.. its not like there is advice for it... it just bugs me i guess that how i sound and act is not always consistent with the words that come out of my mouth. |
*Hugs everyone*
I hope I'll get online while I'm at my parents although it will be more sporadic probably . I'm so tired of this......... Sorry I've no useful advice atm , parents house in so crowded 5 adults 1 baby and a dog . I'm not used to it . It's really warm too ..... |
*hugs everyone*
Laura, I've heard from the person, things got worse, but the situation is being sorted now. Hopefully will speak to her when she's home or later tonight. The following content has been hidden - Reason : Don't want to trigger anyone or myself in future...-mentions r word-
Sorry :| |
*sigh* I made so much progress this weekend at decluttering... and today my house gets even more crowded anyways... another adult and a baby moving in... (That makes 5 adults and 4 children under 8 yo in a 2 bedroom apartment...)
But I know J has no where else to go and I won't put a 3 mo old out on the street. *shakes head* J was staying with her mother in law and when her husband and her fought and decided to split up his mother told her "pack your **** and get out". What kind of person does that to a mother of a newborn? She got clean and sober and got medical for herself and her daughter, got some public assistance and is looking for a job... so it's not like she was being a bad parent or going off and being reckless... *Grrr* I just don't see how anyone could think that's ok to do. I hate humans. /rant Aside from trying to make too many people fit in too small a place life isn't too bad right now. I got parts of my house clean that I didn't think could come clean at this point. The more clutter I get rid of and parts of the house I get clean the better I feel these days. I don't know if it's that I have something else to focus on or if the extra unused crap in my house was pushing me more into my depression or what but I don't care why if it's helping. And flylady is teaching me to do babysteps instead of jumping in head first and getting burnt out lol. Oh and routines! Aside from got to work at x time I never really used a routine before... still working on this part but going for "progress not perfection". *nods and walks off mumbling to self* |
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