Everyone thinks i'm getting better, but i'm not *cries* i really need a hug

*Waves to everyone from quarantine*
Thanks for the hugs and get well messages guys, it really means a lot and makes me feel heaps better :)
Sorry I'm not doing individual replies, can't really manage sitting at the computer much longer, need to curl back up on the sofa. I have read everything that's been going on though and my thoughts are with you all.
I've been taking all sorts of painkillers, flu remedies and cough syrups as well as the Tamiflu and still don't really feel much better. Barely slept at all the last couple of nights because I couldn't stop coughing, and have had a pounding headache for two days straight now. It's an absolute nightmare! My dad and sister are being really helpful though. My little sister, bless her, keeps putting on a nurse costume and asking if I need anything :)
Right - Back to the sofa.
Love you all <3
xxx

Stupid random update as I might come back for a bit (it's Katrica/Eclectica).

The ****er got away with it. He. Got. Away. With. It. And there's nothing I can do. He won. As he did that night. He ****ing won.

Tonight I'm going to get REALLY really drunk and cut myself so badly and everywhere that I might pass out. Arms, legs, stomach, neck, feet. I've got it all planned out. ODs and SH. And alcohol poisoning.

:>

/Eclectica

i screw up everything that is good in my life. so sorry i dont mean 2.

>__< I'm so sorry he got away with it, but please don't hurt yourself *hugs muchly* pleaaaaaaaaaaaase try and stay as safe as possible

"You look good today"
"You seem brill recently!"

"I dont know you but get a ****ing job"
"You should get a job or go to college"
"Get a damn job! Everybody wants you to!"

. . .

I wish I had my ****ing pills to OD on. I wanna forget my life for a while. ****ing give up on everything. Suicidal AGAIN. So many images and thoughts and plans.

Just wanna... go blank. Numb.

Kat D made me numb and helped out when the ****ing police came over to tell me I lost the ****ing fight, thaat I'm DEFEATED. Yea, it didn't last long. The daggers of "YOU LOST" we're thrown too much for us. We can't handle those knives. Stab stab stab...

. . . I'm going to go inside now, let the others take over for a while. I can't cope with life right now. Better the Core abusing me and putting me in A&E than death I guess. I'm hoping it's Kat D and KJ or something though. They can help, littles can't and the ****ing core are dicks.

I want a harming session so badly I nearly die...

*big hugs*

I hope that you start feeling better soon Arwen.

Please keep yourself safe. I'm sorry that he got away with it but please don't injure yourself as that's just another win for him.

*hugs you tightly*

*hugs Dayna*

*leaves big hugs for everyone*

My physio is unhappy with the swelling and pain in my thumb after having the cast removed. She got the hand specialist to have a look at me. And he wasn't happy either. They've given me this stuff that I have to put on my thumb every day which is kind of difficult to do because it's on my dominant hand. It's supposed to help with the swelling. She said and so did the hand specialist that it could mean annother trip upstairs to fracture clinic if it doesn't settle.

*leaves more hugs for all and bit pats and so forth for Puppy SinClair*

I'm leaving this body to the others. I hope they come to terms with everything and push away the defeat.

If I'm here tomorrow, I will try my best to give up to the rest. I want peace and quiet, at least for a while, AbySS can have my body to themselves. Thirteen people can control one body while I'm gone, i hope.

And i'm not allowed to feel sad, defeated or not in the mood to talk without my BF texting my mum and scaring her.

****. It. All.

If I died it might stop the stress people feel over me!

*checks self in again*

Hey everyone. It's been a little while...

I don't think I'm safe right now...

I feel trapped at the moment.

My brother (14 years old) has been in this mental health unit for the last few weeks... he's bipolar and ADHD, or we thought so... the doctors on the coast say they don't think he is... but we know it. He's a manipulative kid and he's smart. He knows how to get what he wants. And right now he wants to be out of there. We've just been told that basically he's a "normal kid with a disability" but that's utter crap. He makes everyone in our house sick, literally. We've been told that he's coming home in two weeks... He hasn't even been taken off all his meds so they know what he's really like... It isn't fair!

My mom is super upset about it, but she's expressing it by being a bitch to me... I can't handle the stress.

I'm trying to work right now as well now, I'm going into grade 11 this year, and I don't have a math class set up because I was going to do it over the summer, and didn't end up doing it because I didn't pass the test to get into the summer course... I'm trying to work and be social with my friends and do all the housework Mom wants me to do and work through my feelings about Chase coming home and not hurt myself at the same time.

My parents are thinking that when Chase gets home they're basically going to send him into foster care if he can't get along with everyone. And I'm going to lose my baby brother.

I'm just sitting here crying my eyes out trying so hard to keep myself here and not go cut again. I've been free for almost 3 months, I don't want to mess up now and prove that I am a failure.

My supposed best friend can't help me because she's got her own stuff to deal with, and I think I'm losing her as a friend anyway, because I'm growing up so quickly, and she's not growing up at all...

This week alone I've thought about suicide at least once a day...

I need help and safety...

*hugs Ashley* That sounds terrible hun. Feel free to cry in here there's always someone around to pass out the tissues.

Thanks Kahlia.
I really need some support right now...
*cries, trying to hold self together*

*hugs Ashley tightly* *passes over a box of tissues*

*offers cuddles* That's so sad, I hope something can be done to help real soon :(

Kahlia, how you doing sweetie?

*takes tissue box and accepts cuddles*
Thank you so much.

That's okay Ashley. I hope the hugs help. *hugs Ashley again*

Helen ~ I'm surviving. Still in pain and still fighting because come hell or high water I'm going to make it to the 25th of August and 1 year SI free. *hugs you*

Wooooooooow :D I know you can make it sweetie, am sooooooooooo proud of you ^_^ I'm nearly two weeks free lol. Hope the pain is better soon :(

Thanks Helen. I'm proud of myself, I never thought I could give SI up. Congratulations on being nearly two weeks free. I hope the pain improves soon too ... It sucks being in pain all the time.

*runs around the ward hugging people at random and waves to Arwen in quarantine*

*hugs everyone (as much for their comfort as for my own)*
I just realised I havent taken my meds. Im waiting for the crash back down to rock bottom. Oh well.

Stupid. Stupid. Stupid.

*hugs Alexx*

thankyou :'(

No worries Alexx - would you like the tissues ? *hugs you tightly*

*sniffle* thankyouuu.
I dont even know whats wrong with me. I have a fake smile pinned to my face because my grandparents are here

*hugs Kahalia back* thank you everyone is down at the moment it seems not just me, which sadly makes me feel less alone *hugs to all on the ward, even zowie in quarantine*

ahh crap, im not doing good again. everthing has truned to ****. just want to hide untill it goes away. crys hits back of head hard againts wall. ****

New medication and I'm happy i'm on it. But until it starts to work; if it DOES, i'm feeling ****. Happy i've changed medi, **** cause I feel ****. The good thing is this medi hasn't made me ill in the two days i've taken it. One medi I had made me ill on the first day. This one isn't giving me nightmares either. I'm feeling nothing from it so far. So waiting until it kicks in.

I'm feeling so close to the others right now. Wanna go to bed and talk to them, even though I can't... Sad I can't. I wanna talk to them so badly.

And i'm stupidly happy I walked away from the kitchen without any food.

*offers hugs to all even Arwen in quarantine*

*sits in window sill looking outside at the night*

I am feeling slightly more numb than yesterday, but hopefully things will be getting better soon. It wasn't as much of a struggle to fight the urges to cut again today as it was yesterday, so that's a good sign...

*presses forehead against the glass*

I'm tired, so I think I'll go to sleep soon.

*hugs Ashley*

infection is spreading fast, organs are beginning to malfunction and shut down. not sure how long i've got.

i love you all, and if i'm not back, thank you all for your love and support. you've made the past while a lot easier.

hugs and love

Shayne ~ I'm sorry to hear that *hugs you*

My mood has dropped and is still dropping. TsvTux has been helpful in helping me to take care of myself because he realises how much I've been fighting. I just hope the mood stops dropping soon.

*leaves hugs for all*

*Massive hugs to Shayne* I'm so sorry to hear about this.

&& *Hugsss* to Kahlia too! I hope your moood picks up again soon :)

*hugs Miss_Angelus back*

I feel down like I've hit rock bottom but I'm still falling. Just got to waiting for the landing. At least I don't feel anxious about it now though.

*hugs Shayne* i'm so sorry to hear that *cuddles*

*hugs Kahalia* i'll see you at rock bottom!

*Massive hugs all aroundd!*

Kahlia && shadowedseraph I hope you don't hit rock bottom. Reach out, grab hold, and claw yourself back up back to the good feelings :)

*hugs Miss Angelus* thanks for the encouragement :) i'm trying to stop the slide but it aint easy

I know it's not but I'm sure you can do it!!!
Pm if you need anything!
xoxo

*Holds Kat tight* Just because he's won legally, doesn't mean he has won overall. He will only win if you let him make you feel the way you did in your first post since you came back. Try to overcome this and remind yourself that you are still here, you have survived it, and you will keep on surviving.
I hope the new medication helps, and that you remember we're here if you need us.

*Hugs Cheryl* What do you feel you've screwed up?

*Hugs Kahlia* I hope your thumb's okay hun. And I know you can make it to a year free, I have absolute faith in you!

*Hugs Ashley* That sounds hard sweetie, but please don't take it out on yourself - You've done so well to make it to three months! I know what it's like when it feels like you're growing up faster than your friends. I went through it in high school too, but eventually things do settle down (most of the time), hopefully that will happen for you.

*Waves to Helen* Well done for going two weeks chick, try to keep going :)

*Hugs Alexx* How do you feel now hun?

*Hugs Seraph* We're all here for you, if you keep sliding we'll be there to catch you at the bottom.

*Hugs shadowedsoul* You can hide in here, hopefully you'll start feeling better soon.

*Hugs Shayne tight* I'm so sorry to hear that sweetie, we all love you too.

-----

I'm starting to feel better (hooray!) Still coughing loads, feel muggy and have a headache; but nowhere near as ill as I was at the beginning of the week. I've had a few cigarettes, something I've gone without during the flu, and am no longer spending the days curled up on the sofa feeling miserable.
Just sitting on the sofa feeling a bit glum XD
Sorry to see many of you have been having a tough time, and sorry I haven't been around much to help any of you. I'll try to get on whenever I get these little moments of energy :)
Thanks to the people who waved to/hugged me while I was in quarantine...I don't think I'm contagious anymore so I'll venture out and play with Puppy Sinclair.

Love and hugs to all
xxx

*grooooooooup hug*

*givves Shayne lots of hugs* I'm so sorry you're gettng worse, we love having you here, trust me on that

*cuddles Kahlia* I'm sorry your mood crashing, it sucks doesn't it?

*cuddles Arwen* Glad you're getting better honey

*cuddles everyone else*

Not doing so well this weekend. My phone's died. :'( I had an accident on a bus yesterday and paying for it today :'( I keep missing my best friend online, she's struggling SOOOOOOOO much so I'm luckily she's trying hard to come online to keep me updated and to check on me. So ****ed off today more than usual that I missed her as she's ill on top of everything else. Haven't seen my other best friend online yet today. Can't even text either of them :'( Am sat on msn all alone, and feeling **** **** **** :D

Blah. I sound pathetic.

*hugs to all, especially those struggling*

Really sorry, had a really busy day today...went to support a family friend who was truck racing. Was so much fun, but I've eaten way too much. Ah well

Urghhh been doing so well all day. Been giving support distrating myself...but the shakes have kicked in...and I can feel too much :/ It's so hardd to stay strongg when it gets like this.

Heyyyyy Zowie. Glad to hear your feeling better :) *hugs*
I feel abit...bleh...but it'll be reet.
*hugs to EVERYONEEEEEEE*
Hope you're all okay

*hugs all*

My laptop arrived back today with the same problem it was sent away to be fixed from. If I wasn't so far down I'd be ropeable. That laptop is my key study computer. Grrrrrr.

That is SOOOOOOO annoying Kahlia :/

I actually managed to get a decent amount of sleep last night! :D

just a quick pop in

*cuddles shayne* sooo sorry to hear that.. thinking of you =[

and im ok.. spose.. meeh. will get there one day..will be back in a few days properly when the internet is faster and its not a certain someones bday >_> please let tonight go fast.

Just writing a quick note to let everyone know I won't be around much until my laptop gets fixed. I'll be thinking of you all though.

*hugs all in the ward*

*squishes Katie and Kahlia lots*

Hey guys, just to let you know I've been thinking of you all. My M.E symptoms are starting to settle down to what I call my version of normal, which is good, cos I'm travelling down to my mum's for a few days and she's going to colour and cut my hair for me! Yay! I've not done anything to it in nearly 10months, so its in desperate need of some tlc. So top half black, bottom half pillar box red, with long layers and half black.half red fringe!!! My partner will get a shock when he comes back from his blokes holiday, haha!!!
Hopefully I'll be back online a bit more in a few days when I return and can do individual replies then. Kinda pointless now as I've missed 5days, I've read through though so I am updated....how much information though my brain retains is anyones guess! *great big huggles to all*

*goes out to smoking shelter hoping a fag will delay dinner for a bit*