RecoverYourLife.com Forums

need some advice

flying rain — Sat, 17 May 2008 05:44:21 GMT

Thursday night I had the second mental breakdown of my life.

Really don't want to go into great detail about it. Basically I realized that I cling to depression and anxiety as a way of making myself feel different, special, unique, etc. Realizing that was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. It hurt. Mentally, I've not recovered from that yet.

But I obviously wasn't able to go to classes Friday morning. I didn't sleep that night, and when I did wake up I was crying and shaking and feeling generally terrible and not in a place where I could you know, go out and be a productive active member of university society. I ended up missing two pretty big pop quizzes. And I need those points.

My therapist at university said she'd write me a note, but the thing is she's still in training, and so it won't be like an official note, so to speak. And like, I still have to give my professors a reason for this. I'm not going to lie and say I was physically sick or anything, because I wasn't. I need to tell them something....I just don't know how to word it. I don't want them to know I'm mentally unstable. Can anyone give me some advice on how to be discreet but truthful about all this? I really need it. And some hugs would be greatly appreciated as well.

<3

I hate who I am

The Exile — Sat, 17 May 2008 04:29:01 GMT

I hope its alright if I post it here since it's not really suicidal, but well here goes, well I have now been given a chance to give up trying to really do anything with this one girl who my friend thought I was gonna end up dating, I mean sure it doesn't matter that she's 16 and now engaged (which I believe is stupid but, oh well her life) But I mean I guess it's just so much that I felt that she might've liked me, I dunno, I know I'm ugly, so you know I'm gonna be this way, I hate my combination of who I a, I have a great personality, butI'm ****ing hideous, I mean seriously, I ****ing hate it, if you wanna see the most recent picture of me, just look at my profile pic. If you don't agree that I am ****ing ugly, I probably wouldn't believe you. Goddamn I hate being alone!

finding my way, a poem. comments please?

emily.ily9 — Sat, 17 May 2008 03:55:35 GMT

ehh there are parts of this i like a lot and parts i hate.
i appreciate all comments, critiques, suggestions, etc.

if i've learned anything from his confession and my
progression and moving on and moving in,
if there has been any good i've gained from the
last month of tareing and teering and finding and losing,
if i've felt any change within my soul,
evidenced by the growing pains that left me gasping for breath,
a plainsclothes pneumonia patient not dying, but living wtih the disease,
it's been the revolutionary, revelationary realization that
holding tightly to myself, and relying on the essence of me,
culturing self-sufficiancy and always returning to where i come from
must be held most high, above who and whatever else i encounter,
for all of my life.

Poem..moving forward

Kae — Sat, 17 May 2008 03:15:54 GMT

The rain begins to fall around me;
Cool droplets cascading down my bare arms-
Pouring down upon my face,
Becoming one with a stream of tears
Falling from my eyes�
Being born anew from the rain-
With every drop washing away the fear,
Washing away the pain and the hurt,
And ending the uncertainty
That the sunshine will never reappear.

There are moments�
Moments when I see a glimpse of it
Behind these clouds of darkness which control my life,
And I raise my head to take in its warmth;
Fearing its power over me
But taking it in,
In these moments
When it breaks through the clouds
And holds me in its warm embrace-
Shedding golden light
Over the permanently shadowed
Recesses of my skin-
Making them whole,
Creating the person I remember
From before the storm began to brew.

I�ve awaited the rain for longer than I can remember;
For a chance to wash away that which
Has left its mark on both the surface of my body
And deep within my mind.
It falls with a soothing comfort which seeps into
Every part of me
And begins to clean it all away-
Allowing me, every so often,
A glimmer of hope
In the warm rays of sunshine across my face; warming
My back.
A hint that perhaps,
After the rain is done with me,
Once the storm has passed,
The sun which I have so long awaited will appear
From behind the clouds
And stay�

Creature feature

The Exile — Sat, 17 May 2008 03:01:29 GMT

Well here in a few days I'll begin ranting about how more people should listen to this band, it's one of my favorites, so well check them out, they are only on myspace, since they just released thier first album on october 30th of last year.
http://www.myspace.com/creaturefeaturemusic

Check em out and let me know if you like them

Stupid clinic doctors! long post...

xsheogorathx — Sat, 17 May 2008 02:59:59 GMT

So I went to my local clinic the other day and they wanted me to see the same doctor I went to last time, even though I filed a report about him! I only went to this doctor once, and believe me once was enough. I needed him to write me a new prescription for my meds, seroquel and effexor for bipolar disorder with psychotic features. Yes, I hallucinate. But it is well controlled with these meds. I have never had a time when I was delusional, but try telling this doctor that.
The nurse seats me in an exam room and there is a cd player playing music softly on the other side of the room. I'm not joking here, the song that was playing was "sexual healing", and it WAS a cd and not on the radio. I was a little offended, although I thought maybe he thought it was just funny and I could take a joke if it was. Well in walks the doctor. I mentioned it and he looks right at me and sarcastically asks "what, you don't want sexual healing?" I just glared at him.
So he sits down, and starts going over my history. He asks if I had been suicidal, or hallucinating, etc. I said no and not recently. He looks up at me and gets a frown on his face. At first I actually thought he was looking at my boobs which is offensive enough. But he taps his little pen on his chin and motions at my chest and says "Is that what lets you see things?" he was pointing at my pentacle. By this time I just wanted the hell out of there. I said "I'm a pagan, not delusional" He just nods and writes some things down. Then hands me my scrip and leaves. When I walked out, I told the receptionist what happened, apparently they didn't do anything since he is still down as my primary doctor! I guess they figure that I was lying or something!

I'm tired of it, it doesn't help

effervescence — Sat, 17 May 2008 02:22:58 GMT

Tired of being told to hang in there.
Tired of being told it will be ok.
Tired of being told to give it time.
Tired of being told to wait 5 minutes and see if the urges have gone.
Tired of having the urges.
Tired of having to pay a psychologist to listen to me and draw diagrams of my personality and blah blah.
Tired of waking up every day unhappy.

None of it works. None of it makes it better. None of it makes it all go away. None of it changes anything. After years of this, nothing has really changed.

Triggering (SI) - Rainy Day Blues?

xsheogorathx — Sat, 17 May 2008 02:11:13 GMT

I haven't been on a site like this in over 6 years. I haven't self harmed for six months, and it has been over 4 years since I self harmed on a regular basis. I don't know why, but for the past few days I have been obsessing over cutting. Not that much is bad right now, I used to get triggered by being angry because I felt that I would hurt someone (emotionally, not physically) if I didn't cut.
But Everything is fine. I passed all my finals, although I didn't get the grades I wanted. My house is cleaner than it has been in weeks. My bf got a new job and right now I'm trying to get one myself for the summer.
Tonight I had been planning to do some laundry, although the house is pretty clean we have hardly any clean clothes. But I just can't get up the energy to do it. To do anything really. But I just keep thinking about cutting....
The only explanation I can come up with is one of two things: It has been raining and dreary for a solid two weeks. Or I need to get a new tattoo. It's been over a year since my last one, and it really seemed to help at the time....
Rei

Hello

xsheogorathx — Sat, 17 May 2008 02:00:47 GMT

Hello,
My name is Rei. I'm a 25 year old university student, I live with my BF and have two adorably devious cats, and two adorably dumb dogs.
Well thats my introduction... so um... yeah.

little kids parents reaction...

zivalover16 — Sat, 17 May 2008 01:49:27 GMT

Tonight I was helping out at the elementary school carnival. I wore short sleeves because it was hot. The scars on my arms are not too noticeable, but you can still see them. The thing I was doing was giving kids ping pong balls to try to get into baskets. I didn't think anything of it but I noticed a few of the parents staring at my arm. It kinda bothered me. The kids didn't really noticed but it was the adults. It was kind hard and when I first noticed it I felt like crying.... :crying:

Triggering (Suicide) - threw up cause i couldnt stop crying

Karly — Sat, 17 May 2008 00:55:36 GMT

Have any of you have ever gotten to the point where you physically can't stop crying? It happend to me on Wednesday. I was in councelling and I started crying and it just got worse and worse.. I couldn't stop, I was hyperventillating and then I ended up throwing up:sad:
It was horrible and so embarresing.
I dont think I felt so low in my life. Sitting in councelling I just was thinking about how shitty my life is and how im so alone . I feel like im in a dark room.
so i cried and cried, couldn't stop and then threw up.
i don't think anything could be more embarresing...
has that ever happend to any of you?

Unoriginal but - hello

nicnic — Sat, 17 May 2008 00:55:31 GMT

Hi there,

Just wanted to introduce myself. I'm just sitting here at near 2am, upset as anything and wondering what I could do to make it better. Considering the fact that my mind is wandering to self harm, I thought I'd sign up here. It looks friendly, positive etc and I need that in my life right now.

I'm Nicola, 27 and not a regular self harmer, but an occasional one, this may seem that I'm not right for this forum, but I hope people won't mind me joining. Just because I don't do it often doesn't mean it's not on my mind a lot.

I don't know what to tell you about myself, I'm rather dull. Anyway, I live alone in the North-East of England, work in education, am currently in a rather insecure relationship that I want to work so desperately. I'm battling with my depression and anxiety too.

And I feel down on the floor and beaten to death by it.

Triggering (SI/OD) - Suicidal; being hated.

worthless x — Sat, 17 May 2008 00:51:27 GMT

I'm on new medication. I'v been taking more than I should but its ok because it makes me feel hyper and really happy...so atleast its working.

Theres this girl who doesn't like me. At first none of her family did apart from her Dad. But then her big sister started talking to me and liking me, and it was all good...the rest of her family started liking me ect well I dont think the big sisters bf did but ohwell.

Then a few weeks ago I think it was this girls bigger,bigger sister who answered the phone and she HATES me.

Then me and the big sister stopped talking a while back once on msn we said like 2 words to eachother but apart from that its been like over a month :| I think shes disliking me again. I was worried if shes ok or not but her Dad says shes fine so ohwell.

On the 25th a girl texted me...(the first girl im talking about) and said "leave us alone" so i take it she meant her her sister and family.

Then she phoned me the other night but i didnt answer.

then tonight she phoned just to say "shut up" :S and then started texting me saying..."your a weirdo" "im scared of you, i dont know what you'd do to me if im nasty to you" "i dont like you" she phoned me again but I didnt aswer because its 1.47am and most of my family are in bed and I'd feel the need to shout at her...so then i'd wake them up (N)

so anyway shes so 2 faced to me and about me, its so un-bloody beleiveable. :|

On the 25th when i cut myself, tried to kill myself, and took an overdose and landed in hospital for a week it was all because of i thought this family hated me it was when the youngest girl sent me that texting saying leave us alone...

and now tongiht i feel even worse.

I JUST WANT TO F**CKING DIE. ITS THE ONLY WAY I CAN GET HER AND HER FAMILY OUT OF MY HEAD &; LIFE.

I CANT BE BOTHERED WITH THIS **** ANYMORE. SHE KNOWS WHAT I FU**ING GO THROUGH BUT YET JUST FEELS THE NEED TO GIVE ME A HARD TIME ANYWAY.

I JSUT WANT TO GO AND CUT MY F*CKING SELF.

I JUST WANT IT TO STOP.

MY BIGGEST FEAR IN THE WORLD IN BEING REJECTED; PEOPLE DISLIKING ME.

AND IT HURTS ME MORE BECAUSE THEY WERE ALL FRIENDS WITH ME NOW THEY ALL HATE ME EXCEPT FROM THERE DAD.

I JUST DONT SEE THE POINT IN LYING, USING ME AND BEING 2 FACED!!!

I JUST WISHED WE COULD BE FRIENDS. I HONESTLY DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO ANYMORE.

i wrote this all out bloody perfect then f**king accidently deleted it all.

how to pay for things in the shop...

Fading Heart — Sat, 17 May 2008 00:13:08 GMT

i am too stupid to understand what the shop is telling me...
but what ways can you pay for things from the shop?
thankies...
(please don't shout at me if this was a stupid question >.<)

Triggering (ED) - Help, please =[[

[pretty on the inside] — Fri, 16 May 2008 23:50:53 GMT

My dad is on the phone to the hospital now because I passed out at my prom and apparently refuse to admit it, but i swear i didn't!! Help [p;ease, I don't know what to do... My parents have ruined tonight. Everyone else is having fun and guess who isn't. I'm scared in case I get sectioned. I won't cooperate, but tey're on the ohoe now.... Help, please... xx