dark faery.....i sent my son away 8 years ago to live with my aunt and uncle due to the extreme dissociations i was having. he was only 5 at the time, and i was terrified of what could happened to him being unsupervised and all. when i dissociate, i lose all time. anyhow thats why. i should probably copy and paste this somewhere as i get asked all the time, lol. j/k
im bum fucked right now. all down the drain..for nothing. just to release myself. im burning and will continue. kelly will wake and be upset with me..oh well. i couldnt fight it any longer. i should have at least fought it until i saw my new therapist tomorrow!! she'll think im a nut at first sight :(
i hate myself for harming. but i would hate myself more for drinking, plus i always harm if i drink. so here i sit...just pondering on what extremem i want to go to....blah blah...
im panicking...kelly may yell at me, which i cannot handle right now. i have to do this.
i took a few anti anti anxiety's but theyre not helping. i could take a sleeping pill and go back to bed but its afternoon and kelly would expect me to get up and help with kaleb.
im getting more and more scared of this new therapist. ive never met her.
my gut is wrenching because i cant talk to my son. i still have legal custody of him and could actually go get him if i wanted. but that would be such an ordeal....and i only meant to keep him a few days. it would be too hard on him. im listening to "50 ways to leave your lover" love it!!!
reckon i should take some more pills? i have a way high tolerance. but they say my liver is "just fine" lol.
wtf is wrong with me??? why cant i just SAY it??? is it ALL about Keith?? is it something else also?? shit..i dont know. i just know i hate this. and hating this makes me hate myself.
i called a few places to see if they were hiring the other day. no one was, but how stupid am i??? do i really think i can work. im losing it again. i know myself THIS way. i scare myself THIS way. out of control, careless, throw caution to the wind. fuck consequences...
ok...therapy is in 2 hours. i have my clothes prepared but im NOT prepared.
i feel so silly. it's only a new therapist. the only difference is that she is a specialist in PTSD which ive been looking for for years!!! i am happy that i have found someone like this. but damn, the first "interview" is always bvackground info etc. i really dont want to do that :(
BUT, im going to. as klong as ive looked for this, id hate myself if i didnt go. besides im a bit upset with kelly because she rescheduled her therapy yesterday!!! she does this all the time and im afraid they are going to drop her. they even told her so. we need each other and we need each other to be healthy damnti!!
oh, and about the burning. i stopped. didnt even leave a scar. but isooo tempted right now!!! but Kaleb will be getting up soon. i have already told kelly that she will have to tend to him because i dont need any distractions right now. i dont want to freak out and not go. AND IM NOT GOING TO FREAK OUT!!! *ahem*
someone just talk to me please?
doesnt have to be advice, just anything will do :)
do you think a peanut would win in a fight with an egg?
Double cream oor Whipped Cream?
Do you know what jelly is in the UK?
^^ that random enough for you?
Oh i just wanted to say this: A PTSD specialist will(should) be more aware of the possible trauma of recapping all your past than any other after all its her specialisation. So im pretty damn sure that this will be done gently and delicately.
Just dont forget to put the clothes on before you leave the house and have the whole thing turn into one of those horrid dreams where you arive for work naked :P
good luck!
Love Matthew xxx
~Phoenix~ is my Little Sister of Awesomeness and Self-Delusion :P Bitter Angel is my Mitten Animad is my Top Trump All Im Living For - Is my beautiful and special daughter who isnt called Kim but will moan if i dont add her :P
lol..hehe..and all the other computer terms for laughter....
i dont like sausages...
peanut would would win, egg would crack, lol
Whipped!!!
hellif i know...everything seems to be a bit diff there. our jelly is made of any type berries and ummm stuff, lmao!!!
youre right she should be delicate since she is a specialist. i should calm down.
i am a bit miffed at kelly right now because she TOLD me she would tend to Kaleb. but did she? NO. she asked if she could go back to bed until i had to leave. im no where near up for an argument so i said "sure". grrrr
and I can't believe anyone would choose whipped over double....
thank you. i chose whipped because im not sure what double is except 2 whips,lol!!!!
it went ok. i had to sign a safety contract which i have NEVER seen the point of that. she got some background info....not near all of it because there wasnt enough time. i was really nervous..and about 45 min into it, i asked if i could leave. she told me that would be fine. and she told me that if at anytime im feeling a strong enough urge to leave the next time, she will help me through it.
~Phoenix~ is my Little Sister of Awesomeness and Self-Delusion :P Bitter Angel is my Mitten Animad is my Top Trump All Im Living For - Is my beautiful and special daughter who isnt called Kim but will moan if i dont add her :P
my son is back in therapy because of me. last time he was in therapy, he was 6!!! and that was because of him leaving a dn all.
my aunt found him having a breakdown in his room the other day and has scheduled an appointment.
i dont think i am going to see him anymore. i think i may make this decision. its too much. IM too much. im no good for him and we all know it.
i need to fucking harm. my tool is gone and kelly wont give it back. she knows way too little of my abilities to "home make".
burning is always there....i just really really really DONT care anymore...
just thought i'd let all of you guys who are my friends know what a rotten, slefish, pathetic bitch i am that puts her son in therapy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
You know I love you... but you're being a complete idiot. If I was there I would smack you on the back of the head! You didn't put your son in therapy Rach. And by deciding to never see him... how is that going to FIX anything! You want to kill yourself? Make it better for him? I know you know that the chances of a child killing themselves when they've lost a parent to suicide is MUCH higher. It's good that your aunt and uncle are getting him therapy if he needs it. It is a difficult time for ALL of you. And your son is now 13. It's harder cause his body is changing. But things are always hard when you're 13! I know i'm not being soft and comforting but I honestly think you really need to wake up. I know you're not doing very well but you can't let the pain make you do something you're going to regret. I'll tell you what my mum told me.
"You're feeling awful and wanting to end everything. Wait until you're not feeling so bad and then think about this"
The point is... when you feel better, you keep going on. You've been doing very well Rachy dearest. Think about that! This is a set back but it's not the end of the world. Deciding not to see your son anymore becasue you think you're awful is not a sound decision. If you can make that same decision when you're feeling better and calmer that you can talk to Keith about it. Becasue you do owe it to your son. You tell him you're not going to talk to him again and that it's your choice. Not becasue of him. Becasue if you cut him out of your life now? He'll think it's because of him.
I love you rachy. but you're not thinking clearly. If you didn't care, you wouldn't even have bothered coming on here and posting. You do care. And you wish you didn't. So how about instead of thinking about what you can do to hurt yourslef, you think about what steps you have to take to get to the point where you can see Keith and keep it together.
"Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."
Mumu
